By Billy the Dog McGraw
According to reports in some of the wackier parts or the media. Jack Wilshere has been to the estate agents, and so is undoubtedly leaving Arsenal this summer.
Now most of us sell our houses after we’ve got an offer of a new job, but apparently the wild and wobbly media types like to assume it is all the other way round. Sell your house first, and then get a transfer to a club elsewhere.
Thus the tale is that Jack Wilshere has “fuelled exit talk by putting his £3.7m Hertfordshire mansion up for sale.” So you can see it is all Jack’s fault. He’s put his house up for sale, so of course everyone assumes he’s off. And those self-deluded wakoes at The Sun report that Wilshere, “who has been constantly linked with a move to Manchester City”, is not seeking a new property in area.
And how do we know this? Is it because the Sun has been round every agent in the area and asked if they have had that Jack Wilshere in? Have they broken into every solicitor’s office to see if anyone using an online site has made an offer in the name of Jack? Actually, forget that last one because this is a Murdoch paper so breaking into solicitors’ offices at Sue Grabbit and Runne is entry level stuff for their journalists.
Next up the Sun will be interviewing the assistant driver of the removal company that Jack’s nominee has hired to remove his property to whatever house he ain’t bought yet because of the transfer he ain’t done yet. And don’t forget folks, we have the new headline
Aaron Ramsey spotted in the Estate Agents.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang was not spotted in the Borussia Dortmund training ground sparking discussion that he must be in the estate agents, negotiating to buy Jack’s house via Bodgit, Flogit and Shift (estate agents to yer class footballer, MD: by good friend and brother Honest Ron McGraw. Apparently he failed to return from his winter break holidays.
Our own chum “R.E. Ports” says Arsenal are negotiating a £42million deal. “Reports” inside Untold Arsenal’s sheltered housing suggest someone at the Metro has been hitting the shoe polish again.
So who next? Why its Mars Bender [I think that should be Lars – Tony] the midfielder, a snip at £25million who can also slip in at right back and is known to be quite nifty at lifting pianos down the stairs as a house is cleared.
He has not played outside Germany so far, so he might well need the new estate agent hysteria explained to him, otherwise he might turn up at the airport and find that hiding under a blanket is not required. Airport spotting is so last year.
Meanwhile Watford’s captain Troy Deeney is also coming to Arsenal, but that has thrown the building trade into disrepair as he is thinking of commuting from his existing house. £20m will buy us another six goals, that being is sum total in his 19 league games and you all know how much we need a striker, what with us only have Alexis, and Giroud and Theo.
But the Daily Star says it is true. And they have a direct line to the great transfer god in the sky who gets a 10% commission from the estate agent.
But everywhere there are signs that Untold is having an influence. I mean, two years ago you would not have seen the headline in the Telegraph or anywhere else…Winter warnings: 20 summer buys that should give clubs the chills in January window.
Next on the house buying circuit is Bayer Leverkusen’s Javier Hernandez in line for a shock return to the Premier League?
The Daily Star (again) have reported that Arsenal are “weighing up making a move”. So that’s the thinking about the thinking about the prelims then. At least he can score a few more than the man from Watford: 19 goals in 22 games.
Louis van Gaal sold him last summer for £7m after getting 37 goals in 103 for the rather eccentric Manchester Untidy.
Also on the list are Aleksandr Kokorin (D Moscow), Lucas Perez (Deportivo), Victor Osimhen (Ultimate Strikers Academy) Granit Xhaka (Borussia Monchengladbach), Ruben Neves and William Carvalho also on radar, or depending on which fish and chip wrapping you read “also on the radar”.
Arsenal watched 18-year-old Polish goalkeeper Bartlomej Dragowski of Jagiellonia Białystok. Tony Attwood also watched Endevour on ITV and thought that was very good.
And too young to be allowed in the estate agent, but going to be VERY BIG is Reiss Nelson who plays for Arsenal’s Under-19’s.
And then we have Riyad Mahrez of Leicester who is involved in talks with Bodgit etc.
And that’s not all because also listed as being seen in the estate agent’s office are Havard Nordtveit, Aleksandr Kokorin (Dynamo Moscow), Lucas Perez (Deportivo), Victor Osimhen (Ultimate Strikers Academy – a Ugandan outfit). Havard is an interesting inclusion on the list. After leaving Arsenal he signed for Borussia Mönchengladbach and has played over 130 league games for them. Do we really want him back?
Meanwhile Serge Gnabry is back, but won’t be staying. He’s somewhere that doesn’t have any connection with the highly dubious Pulissia Mafiosa – the well known extortion and terror outfit of the English midlands.
Pulissia said Gnabry was not “at that level to play games” and locked him up in a shed at the bottom of his garden to prove it, but Serge broke out and made his way back to London. He’s just popping down to the estate agents.
Insult of the day
Doubt not her care should be to comb your noddle with a three-legg’d stool, and paint your face and use you like a fool. (Taming of the Shrew) (“Your noddle” actually is your head, but if you want it to mean anything else that is up to you.)
6 January 1934 – Herbert Chapman died of pneumonia aged 55 at his home in Hendon. He had won the league twice with Arsenal and the FA Cup once, but more than that he set up the regime that would run Arsenal until 1953. After lobbying by the Arsenal history society a statue was erected to him at the Emirates in 2012.
6 January 1971: Yeovil 0 Arsenal 3. FA Cup 3rd round in the first Double season. The Yeovil chairman was reported in the papers saying, “McLintock’s too old and Wilson’s too slow”.
More stories past and present on the home page.
We had a couple of technical problems this morning – apologies if this article changed part way through your reading of it.