By Billy the Dog McGraw
According to reports in some of the wackier parts or the media. Jack Wilshere has been to the estate agents, and so is undoubtedly leaving Arsenal this summer.
Now most of us sell our houses after we’ve got an offer of a new job, but apparently the wild and wobbly media types like to assume it is all the other way round. Sell your house first, and then get a transfer to a club elsewhere.
Thus the tale is that Jack Wilshere has “fuelled exit talk by putting his £3.7m Hertfordshire mansion up for sale.” So you can see it is all Jack’s fault. He’s put his house up for sale, so of course everyone assumes he’s off. And those self-deluded wakoes at The Sun report that Wilshere, “who has been constantly linked with a move to Manchester City”, is not seeking a new property in area.
And how do we know this? Is it because the Sun has been round every agent in the area and asked if they have had that Jack Wilshere in? Have they broken into every solicitor’s office to see if anyone using an online site has made an offer in the name of Jack? Actually, forget that last one because this is a Murdoch paper so breaking into solicitors’ offices at Sue Grabbit and Runne is entry level stuff for their journalists.
Next up the Sun will be interviewing the assistant driver of the removal company that Jack’s nominee has hired to remove his property to whatever house he ain’t bought yet because of the transfer he ain’t done yet. And don’t forget folks, we have the new headline
Aaron Ramsey spotted in the Estate Agents.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang was not spotted in the Borussia Dortmund training ground sparking discussion that he must be in the estate agents, negotiating to buy Jack’s house via Bodgit, Flogit and Shift (estate agents to yer class footballer, MD: by good friend and brother Honest Ron McGraw. Apparently he failed to return from his winter break holidays.
Our own chum “R.E. Ports” says Arsenal are negotiating a £42million deal. “Reports” inside Untold Arsenal’s sheltered housing suggest someone at the Metro has been hitting the shoe polish again.
So who next? Why its Mars Bender [I think that should be Lars – Tony] the midfielder, a snip at £25million who can also slip in at right back and is known to be quite nifty at lifting pianos down the stairs as a house is cleared.
He has not played outside Germany so far, so he might well need the new estate agent hysteria explained to him, otherwise he might turn up at the airport and find that hiding under a blanket is not required. Airport spotting is so last year.
Meanwhile Watford’s captain Troy Deeney is also coming to Arsenal, but that has thrown the building trade into disrepair as he is thinking of commuting from his existing house. £20m will buy us another six goals, that being is sum total in his 19 league games and you all know how much we need a striker, what with us only have Alexis, and Giroud and Theo.
But the Daily Star says it is true. And they have a direct line to the great transfer god in the sky who gets a 10% commission from the estate agent.
But everywhere there are signs that Untold is having an influence. I mean, two years ago you would not have seen the headline in the Telegraph or anywhere else…Winter warnings: 20 summer buys that should give clubs the chills in January window.
Next on the house buying circuit is Bayer Leverkusen’s Javier Hernandez in line for a shock return to the Premier League?
The Daily Star (again) have reported that Arsenal are “weighing up making a move”. So that’s the thinking about the thinking about the prelims then. At least he can score a few more than the man from Watford: 19 goals in 22 games.
Louis van Gaal sold him last summer for £7m after getting 37 goals in 103 for the rather eccentric Manchester Untidy.
Also on the list are Aleksandr Kokorin (D Moscow), Lucas Perez (Deportivo), Victor Osimhen (Ultimate Strikers Academy) Granit Xhaka (Borussia Monchengladbach), Ruben Neves and William Carvalho also on radar, or depending on which fish and chip wrapping you read “also on the radar”.
Arsenal watched 18-year-old Polish goalkeeper Bartlomej Dragowski of Jagiellonia Białystok. Tony Attwood also watched Endevour on ITV and thought that was very good.
And too young to be allowed in the estate agent, but going to be VERY BIG is Reiss Nelson who plays for Arsenal’s Under-19’s.
And then we have Riyad Mahrez of Leicester who is involved in talks with Bodgit etc.
And that’s not all because also listed as being seen in the estate agent’s office are Havard Nordtveit, Aleksandr Kokorin (Dynamo Moscow), Lucas Perez (Deportivo), Victor Osimhen (Ultimate Strikers Academy – a Ugandan outfit). Havard is an interesting inclusion on the list. After leaving Arsenal he signed for Borussia Mönchengladbach and has played over 130 league games for them. Do we really want him back?
Meanwhile Serge Gnabry is back, but won’t be staying. He’s somewhere that doesn’t have any connection with the highly dubious Pulissia Mafiosa – the well known extortion and terror outfit of the English midlands.
Pulissia said Gnabry was not “at that level to play games” and locked him up in a shed at the bottom of his garden to prove it, but Serge broke out and made his way back to London. He’s just popping down to the estate agents.
Insult of the day
Doubt not her care should be to comb your noddle with a three-legg’d stool, and paint your face and use you like a fool. (Taming of the Shrew) (“Your noddle” actually is your head, but if you want it to mean anything else that is up to you.)
Anniversaries
6 January 1934 – Herbert Chapman died of pneumonia aged 55 at his home in Hendon. He had won the league twice with Arsenal and the FA Cup once, but more than that he set up the regime that would run Arsenal until 1953. After lobbying by the Arsenal history society a statue was erected to him at the Emirates in 2012.
6 January 1971: Yeovil 0 Arsenal 3. FA Cup 3rd round in the first Double season. The Yeovil chairman was reported in the papers saying, “McLintock’s too old and Wilson’s too slow”.
More stories past and present on the home page.
We had a couple of technical problems this morning – apologies if this article changed part way through your reading of it.
And.
Ah and to think I was planning to sit on the airport for the rest of the month… 🙂
Next up will be stalking the milkman to see if they have cancelled their orders from February on?
Tony, who’s Mars Lars?
I vaguely recall something about a player not being able to be registered with more than 2 clubs in one season (please correct me if I’m wrong!).
So as Javier Hernandez played a few games for un-united and played more for Leverkusen, would he actually be able to play for another club this season?
Victor Osimhen (Ultimate Strikers Academy – a Ugandan outfit)
Correction Billy, that academy is based in Nigeria. Victor was the captain of the Nigeria U17 team that won the FIFA U17 World Cup last year. He was the MVP at the tournament.
Except said as part of Untold Humor, neither Victor Osimhen nor Ultimate Strikers Academy is Ugandan…try Kanu Nwankwo’s Nigeria.
@billy victor osimehen wasn’t d captain bt d highest goal scorer and MVP of d tournament…..and the arsenal will b Lucky 2 have him.. He is a stronger and faster version of Kanu..
Nonny,
Correction of correction 🙂
Victor Osimhen was NOT the captain of the Nigerian U-17 team to the 2015 world cup and neither was he the MVP at the tournament. Both of these attributes belong to Kelechi Nwakali – the captain and the MVP.
Osimhen is the Golden boot winner and U-17 world cup record highest goal score with 10 goals. He was also awarded the silver ball as the 2nd MVP of the tournament.
Osimhen’s composure in front of goal and ability to hold up play is remarkably good. He is my personal MVP of the tournament but Nwakali’s leadership and playmaking skills made his choice easier to swallow. He will be a great acquisition for Arsenal, if there is any truth in the story.
Andy,
I remember something about that rule saying that a player can only play for 2 clubs at the most in one season. But hey… the rules might have changed but not that I know… and let that not stop the rumour inventors from linking players to us…
Trivia
The (sweet) FA has finally published the referee appointments for the next round of games, starting in about 2 days and about 6 hours.
We still have Atkinson.
Error Booteemee
Victor was the Top scorer with 10 goals. Kelechi was MVP and Captain
Maybe we haven’t completed the Elneny signing because he can’t find a house?
He probably can’t afford Jack’s pad, but maybe he could move into MD’s as apparently, he’s off to Villa!
My take on the UK press is that we should ignore them, and rely on “official” statements from Arsenal Football Club.
Finally, apparently, the self styled “journalist” who coined the phrase “nicking a living” had Bells Palsey!
Hmm
The BBC thinks differently though as they just appointed Piers Morgan as co-presenter with Ian Wright for the 606 phone-in program on Arsenal FA Cup game. Talk about flagrant picking on the nerves.
I went looking for 606 at the BBC. It would seem that the BBC thinks it is important that 606 has recognizable and memorable URLs for Facebook, Twitter and possibly others. But in so far as the general Internet is concerned, the URL for the “home” of 606 appears to be:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0070hz6
There is a contact page
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0070hz6/contact
Which lists a telephone number, a SMS (phone text message), email, Facebook and Twitter contacts.
Perhaps Arsenal fans can write in to the powers that are responsible for 606 at the BBC, and give them our views as to whether piers morgan horse is an Arsenal fan, or if she should be co-hoisting a session.
And I believe all the “mistakes” above are done on purpose.
Gord
606 is part of the 5 live platform. You can actually get it live ( to watch ) on iplayerRadio. I regularly enjoy Wrighty on match days.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/5live
Okay.
I knew it was part of something. I dug up the info, so that if people were so inclined, they might want to give their opinion of the piers being part of the FA Cup coverage on the weekend.
In terms of 606, MOTD or scads of other things; I am a Canadian who does not have a smart phone, any computers running Apple, any computers running Microsoft or any computers running Flash.
Gord
I see your problem. .
I agree about Morgan and don’t see how he will gel with Wright.
Booteemee…
Spot on re Osimhen…you sound like a Nigerian. Greetings.
Is it me or that URL spells a bit like “booze”?
Regarding Jack, I think it is fairly well known that he has split up with his girlfriend (and mother of his two kids) who live in Hertfordshire, previously with him. I’m not quite sure where his new girlfriend is from but they have been spotted out and about in London.
Therefore it is probably not that surprising that he has sold his house in Hertfordshire… I hope the ex and kids have somewhere decent to move to.
One of his neighbours is a mate of mine… albeit a Totts fan. I will make enquiries next time I see him.
Tai,
Yes I am a Nigerian. I also happen to like factual accuracy. That’s why I hate the the transfer speculation game more than anything else about football.
@ Tony – The only player that I can think of that she could ..’ comb (his) noddle with a three-legg’d stool, ‘ , would be Marouane Fellaini ! And then having just done that , inverting it and leaving it there in place would make a fine 3 pointed hat .
And probably ,of course, Medusa . But then you would have to do it with eyes closed and to deal with all those vile , hissy , slimy asps .
– Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
And some choice selections about ‘them’ –
Those who laugh last think slowest.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot…
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.
Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong, but knowing me, we’d both be right to be wrong.