Arsenal v Arsenal. Welcome to the Witchfinder Stadium.

Posted on by Tony Attwood

By Bulldog Drummond

I recall a time when (I think I must have been around 13) I learned about Matthew Hopkins.  He was originally from Great Wenham in Suffolk, but moved on to Norfolk spending a fair amount of time in Norwich during the Civil War.  He was responsible for the deaths of over 200 women during the course of two years.  That’s NFN*.

Hopkins proclaimed himself Witchfinder General and oversaw more trials of witches in two years than in the other 300 years that the government of England believed in witches.  After his death New England took up his “good work.” Makes you wonder.

Hopkins had an infallible test for finding a witch – he would have the suspected woman bound up with ropes onto which large stones were attached.  The woman was then thrown into one of the numerous rivers that flow across the flatlands and into the Wash.

If the woman rose up she was a witch and needed to be burned.  If she sank she was not a witch, but was of course, unfortunately, dead.

I don’t think they have much witch hunting in Norfolk these days – it’s all moved to north London, although as we saw in the game at Carrow Road this season they do have the most dangerous pitch in the Premier League with TV cameras planted on concrete circles so close to the action that serious injury can be caused.

But worry not for now of course we have a new Witchfinder General in Piers Morgan, who like Hopkins before him lives on and for the publicity surrounding his position and seriously believes in everything he says.  The journalists don’t even have to look for any news, they don’t have to attend any press conferences, they don’t have to do anything.  It is all there for them.  Money for old rope as we used to say (and perhaps some people still do).  Witchfinder Morgan.

Do the players of Arsenal stand much chance today?  I doubt it.   They will have read about the activities of Witchfinder Morgan and his baying hounds, and know that they probably only have about 3 minutes to prove themselves on the pitch.   It won’t be a toxic atmosphere it will be far worse than that; it will be witch hunting.

Despite it all Mr Wenger turned up to the press conference yesterday and was his usual peaceful self.  He made one interesting revelation, saying, “When we built the stadium the banks demanded I signed for five years.”   Probably the only club ever to have had such a stipulation put on it when asking for a loan.  He rejected approaches from Real Madrid, Barcelona and Manchester City over that time.

So for today, with the Witchfinder General looking on I think we might see…

Cech

Bellerin Mert Kos Monreal

Coquelin Wilshere

Alexis Ozil Iwobi

Welbeck

I’ve put Jack in, although obviously I don’t know how fit he really is.  If not Jack then Mo.

That leaves ten on the beach and the local council only allow seven…

Ospina, Chambers, Gabriel, Ramsey, Gibbs, Elneny, Cazorla, Campbell, Walcott, Giroud.

I suspect Santi Caz may miss out plus maybe Walcott or Giroud, plus Gibbs or Campbell, but really I am not too sure at this point.

The unavailable one is the Ox; all appear to be non-injured, but he has just not had enough training time to be ready for a full-on game.

Arsenal’s record in the last six is awful, terrible, the stuff of relegation, at least according to the Witchfinder General and his merry band: LLLLLL.   But according to my stats it is WWDDWD.  Not perfect, but not so awful after all.  Norwich have won two, lost three and drawn one in the last six.

Oh yes and we can prove once again another constant theme from the media, Arsenal are top of the injury table and it is all Wenger’s fault.  Do you remember those days when that was the story?  Indeed if you ever want an example of how the media make it all up, you just have to trace the injury tale.   We were the worst, it was all Wenger’s fault.   But…

# TEAM TOTAL INJURIES
1 Stoke Violence 8
2 Liverpool!!! 7
3 Newcastle United 7
4 Bournemouth 5
5 West Bromwich Dirty 5
6 Aston Villa 4
7 Chelsea Oooops 4
8 Crystal Palace 4
9 Everton 4
10 Manchester United 4
11 Manchester City 3
12 Norwich City 3
13 Southampton 2
14 Swansea City 2
15 Tiny totts 2
16 Leicester City 1
17 Sunderland 1
18 Watford 1
19 State Aid United 1
20 Arsenal 0

Sorry, we are top if you hold the table upside down, but since that is what most of football supporting is about these days, I think we can fairly say Arsenal are indeed top of the injury list.

And the Fair Play League?  Yep we are top of that too.

# Team Games Cautions  Dismissals   Points
1 Watford 40 75 4 346
2 West Bromwich Albion 42 75 3 334
3 Aston Villa 41 78 2 334
4 Norwich City 38 65 3 292
5 Liverpool!!! 44 68 2 292
6 Crystal Palace 43 67 2 290
7 Chelsea 40 59 5 286
8 Newcastle United 38 61 4 286
9 State Aid United 41 62 6 282
10 Manchester United 42 66 1 274
11 Manchester City 44 68 0 272
12 Stoke City 43 56 5 268
13 Southampton 39 53 6 264
14 Everton 45 50 6 264
15 Tiny Totts 40 65 0 260
16 Sunderland 37 59 2 256
17 Leicester City 40 57 2 248
18 Swansea City 38 62 1 248
19 AFC Bournemouth 41 58 1 242
20 Arsenal 42 49 4 226
  • Caution 4 pts
  • Denial of a goal scoring opportunity or dismissal for 2 cautions 10 pts
  • Violent conduct, serious foul play, spitting or offensive and abusive language 12 pts

Actually we are top in terms of Fair Play – the FA always print this with the naughtiest clubs at the top.

As for the match facts and the like, the SAM (Sports Analytics Machine) super-computer created by Professor Ian McHale at the University of Salford to predict outcomes has the score 2-0 – which won’t please the Witchfinder General and his hangers on at all.  The chance of an away win is 7%, but I am not sure that they have realised that Arsenal will be playing underwater, with ropes tied around them.

This is the first game at the Witchfinder Stadium for Alex Neil and I bet he can’t believe his luck, with the way the cards are stacked.    Norwich won at Very Old Trafford, and drew away to Liverpool!!! and at State Aid’s ground.

But they haven’t won at Arsenal since 15 August 1992 – the very first day of the very first Premier League season.   24030 were in the crowd that day (due to ground rebuilding).  Bould and Campbell got Arsenal’s goals in a season we scored four goals in 14 consecutive league games.  Not sure what the Witchfinders would make of that.  Especially as we have scored 19 goals in the last five home games against Norwich.  But there are a lot of people who think Graham’s style of management was the best so I’ll leave that point.

Norwich haven’t won any of the last six games at the Witchfinder Stadium, and Arsenal are unbeaten in the last seven games.  It is Arsene Wenger’s 750th Premier League match as a manager – only Sir Alex Ferguson (810) had more.

As for Norwich they have won two of their last 14 games and lost ten of those and failed to win 25 of their last 28 away games.   Arsenal on the other hand have scored at least three in the last four home games against Norwich, who have failed to score in five of their last six away games.

And let us consider one other club – Chelsea.  Held up as the model for Arsenal to follow by some Witchfinder Serjeants who moaned like hell about us not buying back Cesc, they are ninth in the league.  A bit of a shame that.

* Normal for Norfolk

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Insult of the Day for the Witchfinder General:

Away you whoreson upright rabbit, away

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66 Replies to “Arsenal v Arsenal. Welcome to the Witchfinder Stadium.”

  1. I like the witchfinder name, it will work for when children are present as at the moment I tend to use a 4 letter word beginning with P and ending in S for this all knowing, all vitriolic person. It is a shame that his opinions are given credence which give the person delusions of celebrity. If only the club could sack their unwanted fans.

  3. not a arsene lover but an ARSENAL lover,wenger is right if we had won the title this year,the biased mrdia would have said we won the weakest premier league,some fans are being whipped up against the board/wenger for an agenda not sure what

  4. Dear Bulldog ,

    Enjoyed that piece of history . Damned if your are and dead if you are not!

    Do hope that you could pass this inspirational message from Gandhi on to AW and the boys before the game .

    Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.
    Keep your words positive, because your words become your behavior.
    Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior become your habits.
    Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.
    Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.

    And DO ask him to play this little gem at the team talk , and also to all those faithful assembled at the stadium . This should get them all fired up !

    Never Quit! An Uplifting Speech Featuring Walter Bond –
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DM2-No-Nv-A

    UP THE GUNNERS !

    Thanks.
    BG .

  5. From the BBC.com/football

    Gallows humour from some of the travelling Villa fans at Vicarage Road.

    “We fancied a change, we fancied a chaaaaange, just for one season, we fancied a change!” reads a banner in the away end.

    A season-long holiday (at the very least) in the Champo awaits.

  6. According to the twit feed, the Gunners have arrived at the stadium (5 minutes ago).

    The Ladies play Birmingham tomorrow.

    And maybe Piers Mrgan gets run over by a double decker bus.

    COYG!

  7. 10 out of 11 for Bulldog.

    From the twit feed:

    XI: Cech, Bellerin, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Monreal, Elneny, Ramsey, Iwobi, Snachez, Ozil, Giroud
    Beach: Ospina, Gabriel, Coquelin, Wilshere, Cazorla, Walcott, Welbeck

    COYG!

  8. Let’s send the canaries down, I have not liked them ever since that cowardly shove on Sanchez by Bennett. They don’t deserve to be in this league. Scumbags. COYG!!!

  13. I’ve got better things to do, than tune into a TV coverage with bonehead commentators and TV cameras constantly showing protest signs.

    COYG!

  14. We were being told the demos would be after the match, but they’re doing these 12 minutes into the match. These are either very thick individuals or not Arsenal fans. Idiots.

  20. Sports Mole just had to continue putting up protest pictures in their commentary. Good Bye Jerks!

    COYG!

  21. These refs, foul against Elneny for someone running into his leg….
    Giroud clattered and no talking to to the offender.

  22. Very predictive game. Why are we playing so much through the middle? Any chance of playing the game wide? They are already looking dangerous with 3 very decent attempts. If they score, it could be mighty difficult way things are going on.

  23. I am at the match

    There were 300 protest banners held up at most. A tiny fraction of the crowd

    This shows the clear lack of suport for the ‘change’ lobby

  25. The game is being shown live where I live.

    This means I see the game from a stream with commentary in English and I get the local commentary. The local commentators are commentating on the game.

    The stream ones are commentating on the protests and how important it is to keep the fans ‘on board’.

    Am I surprised at this? Nope.

  31. How to go Welbeck! How to go Arsenal13!

    Did someone “help” Mertesacker tweek his hamstring?

    COYG!

  37. We need second goal until the end of the game.

    I wish if all these butchers such as Sunderland, Norwich, WBA et al could get relegated at once.

    Perhaps reducing Premiership to 18 clubs wouldn’t be a bad idea?

  38. I’m pretty sure anything deemed to be 50-50 has gone against us so far. Always the same with the pgmob.

  45. It’s apparent this f*cking ref wants to screw us, no doubt galvanised by the boo idiots

  46. Ozil gets booked?

    Well, all 3 of my commentaries got their tabs killed for being obnoxious. Daily Mail came out supporting the protesting now. Is there a good source of commentary any more?

    COYG!

  49. it goes to show, u don’t need to wait for the 70th min to make the changes. if you want to influence the game, you can do that anytime. good result and on to the next game.

  51. Good to see the alternative banners that nobody has so far mentioned.
    Have I missed something here? Of course I haven’t, this is Untold Arsenal.

  52. Danny Welbeck! What a fuckin’ star. MOTM and well deserved. Sorry Giroud lovers, he’s got to go (and will).

  53. Serge
    Who did you delegate to report when an alternative banner is displayed, that didn’t do their job? Why didnt you make that post yourself? It’s as if you expect someone to post a comment highlighting that, and if that’s not done then we risk upsetting you. It’s ridiculous that you see that banner, come here and blame everyone for not mentioning it. It would be absurd for me to come and pick on Walter or someone else for not mentioning that there was a positive banner at the ems. If I see one I will just report on it, end of. Anyway I’m pretty sure this was going to be mentioned, but for you to come and make an issue of it even before the managers have come out for their interviews suggests you have an axe to grind.

    Secondly, if you so much expect a type of reporting you don’t agree with why Jeep visiting Untold? Are you hoping to change everyone’s thinking here. I don’t like the way the sun sensationalise everything so I don’t read them. I’d urge you to do likewise; just skip those sites that don’t see things from your view.

  54. Serge
    Just as I said, if you read Walter’s report he mentions the pro Wenger banners in his opening paragraphs. So of course you were right: this is Untold Arsenal.

  55. Al

    As usual I haven’t got a clue what you’re rambling on about. I saw at least two and possibly three pro Arsenal (alternative) banners at the game today. One of the wielders even got a pat on the back from another nearby supporter and they were worth a mention on this blog so how come they were ignored?

  56. We’re they ignored? Did you read Walter’s match report?

    Anyway forget Walter’s report, when were they ignored, and by who exactly?

  57. Your ‘as usual’ comment followed by your ‘accusations’ that three of so pro banners have been ignored on this site, when they have been clearly mentioned, says a lot about you serge, than this site. You see what you want to see. My post was very clear, no ramblings about that. And the banners were mentioned near the very top of the match report.

  59. Al

    Stop clutching at staws.There were absolutely no mentions of the pro banners on THIS THREAD. Good for Walter if he mentioned it in his after match report (which I’ve still yet to read), but why did nobody have a thought to bring it up in the live match report here? They were only focussed on the anti Wenger stuff . Sad fucks that they are!

  60. Serge
    Youre a very funny individual, so I’m clutching at straws now? Who exactly did you expect to mention that, whose job was it. If you look at the thread there was only a handful of people commenting mostly on what was going on the pitch. None of these individuals are Untold moderators, they come on here just like you. So you’re just as guilt as them for not mentioning them when you saw them.

    If you did see the banners, why didn’t you mention it? I think i know why, you were waiting with bated breath to pick UA on it and you then made a fool of yourself as Walter was way ahead of you. To make such a post like yours so soon after the final whistle, even before anyone has had the chance to express their views in the post match analysis, is premature to say the least, and shows someone with an agenda and supports my views above. If your comment had come 24 hrs later it might have carried some weight, but to make it hot on the heels of the final whistle just shows you had some preconceived ideas. The second telling thing is Walters report had been published by 7:43pm, and your post was made nearly 10 minutes later, and yet you still accused noone of mentioning those banners, when they were already mentioned in the report. Why don’t you assume that others may have seen the report in the preceding 10 minutes before your post, and decided it wasn’t necessary to repeat sighting the pro banners as they had already been mentioned in the report?

    Anyway, I don’t think anyone owes you anything here serge, so why should you come here, throwing a strop, demanding that someone should have mentioned the pro banners during the live commentary? It’s weird to say the least. I also saw someone who I thought looked like Vieira in the stands, why did noone here mention that during the game!!!! Weird, don’t you think.

  61. Al

    The reason I didn’t mention it during the game was because I was watching it at the pub and I don’t take a phone or ipad for texting purposes..
    My post was appx 20 mins after the match ( I live nearby) and before I’d seem Walters report. But that doesn’t matter, because the myopics (two including you) who mentioned the anti banners selectively ignored the pro ones.

  62. Al

    And now that I’ve had some coffee and can consider it, I can see that you’re attempting to spin this. It makes no difference where or when I saw the game or where or when I saw Walters report on the match or how long after the match I commented. My original comment still stands. Nobody on Untold could be bothered to mention the pro banners during the live feed. Typical negative Untold reaction to a positive supporter led reaction.
    And so far only Walter has mentioned it. As I said: sad fucks.

  66. What a sad lonely man you really are.
    Serge for a man of your age to come on a Pro Wenger Pro Arsenal site just to get your jollies and resorts to calling people on here sad f***s is sad.
    Life is to short to be bitter and twisted and I hope Tony finally bans you from this site.

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