By Sir Hardly Anyone,
As you will know we have discovered to our alarm that the invention of new Arsenal rumours has ground to a halt, with all the people who normally make up new rumours each day simply re-cycling old rumours.
We desperately need new rumours to feed into the machine, otherwise the machine might actually… stop! And when that happens we could all fall off the edge and have to wait for it to come around next time!!!
And where will that leave us?
So what we need is for you to make things up, just like regular journalists do, and suggest a transfer. Remember it doesn’t matter in the slightest if the whole thing is preposterous – for example if the transfer is of a player who plays in a position where the club is already highly represented and has no need of a player, that’s fine. In fact the more you treat your audience like a bunch of morons, the better.
In fact the most important thing of all is that you should not let reality interfere, not for a second.
So here’s what you should look out for
1: A headline.
For example today on FaceofFootball (a blogetta) we have the headline
Riyad Mahrez confirms Arsenal transfer
and the article begins
Leicester City star Riayad Mahrez remains a possible transfer target for Arsenal, according to reports from Get Football News France.
In other words the headline must be utterly and totally contradicted by the opening part of the report.
If all else fails try something like this (it is from Squawka – honest)
Borussia Dortmund star Henrikh Mkhitaryan’s sister follows Arsenal on Linkedin amid transfer links
2: A source.
We’re a bit fed up with hearing about the Daily Mail and the Metro, so something a little different, and more stupid. Although since the Times did publish full details of Arsenal’s new totally mythical under 21 recruit, you can site the Times if you want. But otherwise, get a bloggetta name. Like Dilapidated Punctures. Or insidefootballoutside.
3: A player.
He could be famous, infamous, or unknown. A 12 year old Bolivian will do, providing you can offer up a realistic Bolivian name. Like Papas Rellenas. The fact that this means “Stuffed Potatoes” is neither here, there nor in South America. Or Señor Apenas Nadie.
4: The club he plays for.
Something like Punta Tombo Reserves in Argentina.
5: A price preferably in a currency unfamiliar to most Arsenal fans.
Here the Albanian Lek should do it.
6: A made up quote
This can come from either Arsenal, or the player’s club, or the player’s agent, or the player’s girfriend, or the man who runs the breakfast TV show in his home town which suggests that a move might be on. Or it could be the trainer of his llama.
7: A reason for the transfer taking place
For example the fact that Wenger is an admirer, the player has fallen out with his manager, his club is bust, the player’s wife wants to move to London, the player likes the idea of leaving the European Union, the player likes English beer, the player’s daughter is under the mistaken belief that Mickey Mouse lives in Islington.
Now the more outrageous and unbelievable all this is the better, because that will make it more believable to the people who follow all this nonsense.
But what you have to do is add something that gives us a spot of verisimilitude; that bit of unusual insight which makes people think hell this might just be true. Something that will appeal to the aaa, such as the fact that Arsenal bid for the player last year, but he said he would only go to England if it were Man U or Chelsea bidding. Chelsea made a bid, but were not impressed by the trial, so didn’t take up their option.
That makes it sound as if Arsenal are taking second best, which the aaa love. If you can add a bit to the effect that “with Arsenal suffering yet another disappointing season without silverware the manager knows that another poor start to the season is liable to lead to his execution at Tyburn.” That should do it.
Just send them in as comments and if we get more than a trickle I’ll pick out the best ones and make them into official rumours. Indeed we could even give them a listing of their own, and watch everyone else pick them up.
And do remember, if you get it right, you could be putting some poor hack out of a job. That ought to get the creative juices flowing.
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