To all Arsenal fans: your club urgently needs your help. Now.

By Sir Hardly Anyone,

As you will know we have discovered to our alarm that the invention of new Arsenal rumours has ground to a halt, with all the people who normally make up new rumours each day simply re-cycling old rumours.

We desperately need new rumours to feed into the machine, otherwise the machine might actually… stop!  And when that happens we could all fall off the edge and have to wait for it to come around next time!!!

And where will that leave us?

So what we need is for you to make things up, just like regular journalists do, and suggest a transfer.  Remember it doesn’t matter in the slightest if the whole thing is preposterous – for example if the transfer is of a player who plays in a position where the club is already highly represented and has no need of a player, that’s fine.  In fact the more you treat your audience like a bunch of morons, the better.

In fact the most important thing of all is that you should not let reality interfere, not for a second.

So here’s what you should look out for

1:  A headline.  

For example today on FaceofFootball (a blogetta) we have the headline

Riyad Mahrez confirms Arsenal transfer

and the article begins

Leicester City star Riayad Mahrez remains a possible transfer target for Arsenal, according to reports from Get Football News France.

In other words the headline must be utterly and totally contradicted by the opening part of the report.

If all else fails try something like this (it is from Squawka – honest)

Borussia Dortmund star Henrikh Mkhitaryan’s sister follows Arsenal on Linkedin amid transfer links

2:  A source.  

We’re a bit fed up with hearing about the Daily Mail and the Metro, so something a little different, and more stupid.  Although since the Times did publish full details of Arsenal’s new totally mythical under 21 recruit, you can site the Times if you want.  But otherwise, get a bloggetta name.  Like Dilapidated Punctures.  Or insidefootballoutside. 

3:  A player.  

He could be famous, infamous, or unknown.  A 12 year old Bolivian will do, providing you can offer up a realistic Bolivian name.  Like Papas Rellenas.  The fact that this means “Stuffed Potatoes” is neither here, there nor in South America.  Or Señor Apenas Nadie.

4:  The club he plays for.  

Something like Punta Tombo Reserves in Argentina.

5:  A price preferably in a currency unfamiliar to most Arsenal fans.  

Here the Albanian Lek should do it.

6:  A made up quote

This can come from either Arsenal, or the player’s club, or the player’s agent, or the player’s girfriend, or the man who runs the breakfast TV show in his home town which suggests that a move might be on.  Or it could be the trainer of his llama.

7:  A reason for the transfer taking place 

For example the fact that Wenger is an admirer, the player has fallen out with his manager, his club is bust, the player’s wife wants to move to London, the player likes the idea of leaving the European Union, the player likes English beer, the player’s daughter is under the mistaken belief that Mickey Mouse lives in Islington.

Now the more outrageous and unbelievable all this is the better, because that will make it more believable to the people who follow all this nonsense.  

But what you have to do is add something that gives us a spot of verisimilitude; that bit of unusual insight which makes people think hell this might just be true.  Something that will appeal to the aaa, such as the fact that Arsenal bid for the player last year, but he said he would only go to England if it were Man U or Chelsea bidding.  Chelsea made a bid, but were not impressed by the trial, so didn’t take up their option.

That makes it sound as if Arsenal are taking second best, which the aaa love.  If you can add a bit to the effect that “with Arsenal suffering yet another disappointing season without silverware the manager knows that another poor start to the season is liable to lead to his execution at Tyburn.”    That should do it.

Just send them in as comments and if we get more than a trickle I’ll pick out the best ones and make them into official rumours.  Indeed we could even give them a listing of their own, and watch everyone else pick them up.

And do remember, if you get it right, you could be putting some poor hack out of a job.   That ought to get the creative juices flowing.

Recent Posts

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24 Replies to “To all Arsenal fans: your club urgently needs your help. Now.”

  1. Arsen to move upstairs as Director of Football and Bergkamp to become Arsensal’s new manager with Tony Adams as assistant Coach!

  2. Bergkamp to take over from Wenger in shock managerial shakeup
    David Dein to buy out Kronke and Tony Adams to be Bergkamp’s number one


    Arsenal are said to be in the processes of making a audacious ‘ smash and grab ‘ raid on Southampton football club . The prized booty ? The unhappy Saints players who are already in open rebellion against the club for allowing Ronald Koeman to leave for Everton. Not ever since the Pilgrim Fathers departure to the New World in 1620, will this port city see such an exodus .

    This was disclosed to the noninfluential , nonsensical and nonexistent The Brickfields Gunners Blog by unhappy , striking BREXIT port and dockworkers , who sadly see similarities in their present situation of that of a season of hope turning to despair; very much to that of the sailing ( and aftermath ) of the Titanic in 1912 .

    Arsenal and Arsene Wenger were blasted by the media and their own fans for not buying an outfield during the last close season . By the time Alneny was brought in , the season was effectively over with , even the Saints running riot over Arsenal with a 4-0 thumping .

    Amongst the players that are interesting Arsenal is the WORLD CLASS STRIKER ,Italian Graziano Pellè , who Arsene Wenger is at present running the rule over at the EUROS 2016 in France .While he has another 2 years to his Saints contract, it is thought that an offer upwards of 25 Million Pounds and a year’s worth of free pizzas and the finest Chianti should clinch the deal .

    The other player that would be in Arsene Wenger’s ‘need to buy ‘ list would be the Kenyan captain , Victor Mugubi Wanyama , who Arsenal missed signing from Celtic 3 years ago due to the club’s usual and well known propensity to dither .This signing if done , will finally get Arsenal a true MONSTER DM , that every Tom , Dickhead and ‘arry has been calling out for. It has been an open secret that Wanyama is being privately tutored in Cockney for the last year or so , innit ?

    The present owners have been quoted to have said that they will not stand in the way of the unhappy players . And having done excellent business with Arsenal in the past with the selling of their former young England stars like , Calum Chambers , Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain , Theo Walcott and Steve Williams .

    With the city in the grip of dread with the coming of BREXIT and the possible loss of many jobs , the club too has no choice but to sell off their high wage earners to balance their books . But the club’s fans are looking forward to the new manager bringing in a new generation of young players from their renowned Academy .

    Come what may, they say , ‘ The Saints will go marching on ‘ !

  4. Sorry for all the mistakes , its 3 AM here . Will respond to your numerous comments later.
    Goodnight !

  5. Three priests hold a meeting to discuss where life begins.

    The evangelical priest says, “No question about it, life begins when the child is born.”

    “No, no,” says the Catholic priest, “it all starts when the sperm meets the egg.”

    “You’re both wrong,” says the Rabbi. “Life begins when the children have left home and the dog is dead.”

  6. I believe Arsenal will be signing a little known Spanish player. I asked a man in the know who it was and he said Fuktifarno.

    My Gran (who cleans at the Ems) says she recently met Mrs Vardy near the Stadium, on her way to yet another TV interview.
    My Gran enquired whether Mr Y would be signing for Arsenal so that she could tell Mr Wenger and put an end to his worry.
    Mrs Y replied ” No idea if he will join me or not but I am moving to London to become a TV star. Peers Morgan says I could make it and he should know”.

  8. Juan Mata and Daley Blind to join Arsenal after Mourinho cleans house. Gibbs to Westham. Giroud to Inter Milan. Chamberlain swap for Vardy + 3.2456 million pounds.


    With Giroud grossly disappointing season after season and Walcott showing he is not cut out to be a striker, Wenger has finally reached out to signing the next Thierry Henry.

    17 year old Abdul Buba Madibo who plays for Lens feeder team scored 36 goals for the academy last season and is ready to step into the main team.

    Born in France to Senegalese parents, Abdul has EU passport and his uncle who also serves as his agent says playing in the premier league is his target.

    Abdul has devastating pace and is tutored to have tailored his style of play like that of his idol Thierry Henry. With Wenger willing to meet his buy out clause of $10m, it will be no time before he wears the number 9 jersey at the Emirates.

  10. Rumours are growing with the leak that Arsenal are to resign Kim Kallstrom although they might have to wait until the xmas transfer window as at the moment he is totally fit.

  11. Sir Hardly Anyone, good evening to you Sir. You’ve made me to laugh a lot as I was reading through your posting. And I thank you for amusing me.

    Anyway, I don’t want to get involved in this Arsenal fantasy transfer rumours of a thing meant mainly for the Arsenal fans. Which has started to gain acceptance by some Gooners as they’ve started to respond to your call by posting in their comments already. My reason being I don’t want to punish myself exercising my brain on an issue I know is futile. No disrespect.

    On the contrary and on a serious note, I’ve given a thorough thought to why Vardy has not yet make up his mind to say, Yes, to Arsenal so that he can complete his transfer deal with them. I think Vardy wants more money before he’ll say that Yes.

    Vardy must have considered the wages being paid to Walcott vis a vis his lackluster performance for Arsenal last season as he did not make a double figure goals scoring returns for Arsenal. And yet his getting a purported 140k/w. And him Vardy, who got 24 goals for Leicester to help them clinched the title last season and could potentially repeat same for Arsenal, is being offered 100k/w.

    However, I want to appeal to Vardy to be patient and he should realise that it took Walcott 10 years of service at Arsenal before he got to the 140k a week earnings. And he Vardy can get there too and even could pass it even quicker than Walcott got there, if he Vardy performed incredible well for Arsenal when he comes.

    Therefore, if it’s more higher pay than his been offered that’s making Vardy to be delaying his propose transfer deal to Arsenal, let him register his demands with the Boss so that the issue can be ironed out sooner than to be waiting.

  12. @Sir Hardly,
    My Gran has ordered two corrections to my 8.26.
    1. References to Mrs Varder should be abbreviated to Mrs V.
    2.Delete the last sentence and substitute “I have no real talent but I could still become a celebrity. Peers Morgan has told me this and he should know.”

  13. Typo; pls substitute the word credibly for incredible in my 5th paragraph.

    Sources behind the vacuum cleaner in our cupboard under the stairs are reporting that Arsene Wenger has signed the infamous (though yet unborn, though yet un-conceived, though utterly preposterous) love child and Manchester Legendary Youth Player, Jose Fergusson.

    The sporn of legendary Manchester Managers Jose Mourinho and Alex Furgusson, the star leftbackrightwingdefendergoaliestriker’s first word is reported to be,
    “Goo!” clearly indicating his intention to sign.

    We are hearing that the French manager is deperate to sign the foetus before Barcelona can conduct a DNA test.


    The always unreliable Spanish-American journalist senor Jésus Kristos Ressucitados Del Mierda has been reported as saying that the brillant Majorican striker U.R.Tontos, who scored 133 goals last season in La Liga del putana, half of them being own goals, is set to sign a long term contract with someone in Islington, a certain Mr. I.A.M Incognito.
    Sources at the Islington fish wrapper Times have confirmed that his agents and solicitors Doo, Screwum & Howe are currently negotiating for a 100,000 sterling/day package which will include season tickets to every Tottenham game at the Emirates, a private bus to ferry his 240 relatives across London and a lucrative modeling contract with an unnamed agency called the FA! The writer has been lead to believe that Tontos will soon join his new teammates in a horrendous drunk in honour of his family’s imminent release from prison in Madrid, due to a change of heart from the Spanish Revenue agency.
    It has been revealed that Arsenal never made a bid for him and that Wenger’s usual indecisiveness and indecision, while sunning himself in the TV5 studios during the Europe 2016 competition, means that once again, the North London team, whose disastrous season ended with a depressing second place finish, will miss out on this magnificent opportunity. Plus ca change plus ca reste la meme!!!


    Tottenham Hotspur’s plans for the redevelopment of their ground has hit a Snag. For decades it was thought by scientist that Snags were extinct. Apparently not , as a live, albeit badly injured specimen is now in the intensive care unit of The Lesser Seven Sister Road Veterinary Hospital .

    Snags were brought in to the then Albion shores as stowaways on Norse ships . They are a shy , half blind , burrowing animal belonging to the Marsupial family . They are almost exclusively nocturnal ,and feed on roots , shoots , spuds and the occasional hapless chicken that happens to fall into its burrow. .

    In the early years , they were hunted extensively for their pelts and meat by the local populace , while their claws and teeth were made into dentures . Their deep but well organised system of burrows were often turned into latrines. These were London’s first sewage system .

    The pelts were fashioned into stylish Davy Crockett like head gear .The problem was that it made their head smart , so the elders banned its use. Smart heads were always considered a problem for them , as they are still now .

    While their meat was quite agreeable to the palate , the downside was it was considered very ‘heaty ‘and caused delusions and the production of a lot of hot air . A problem that continues to afflict their descendants even now !

    The practice of using their burrowing incisors and claws as dentures is thought to be from where the term Snaggletooth arose . This should not be mistaken for the term Snagglepuss , which was an old wife’s tale of that time , where mothers would frighten their young sons to remain chaste and not be led astray by telling them that some ‘bad’ women had teeth ‘down there ‘ !

    Many believe that their numbers dwindled over the years due to the unsustainable practice of slash and burn – first to plant spuds and then later to build their stadium . The WW2 bombs too also took a deadly toll on their habitat .

    This rediscovery of a surviving Snag has the scientific community and environmental groups pleasantly surprised and overjoyed . They have obtained a stop work order against the club to prevent any further destruction , and until they make a full study as to weather any more Snags are present . This should take at least five years .

    In the meantime the club will have to move out and play their games elsewhere.Or until Boris Johnson hands them a free new stadium that may be have to be built IF England hosts the 2018 or the 2022 World Cup.

    With the Russians misbehaving at the EUROS 2016 and the very low oil prices set to continue ,security concerns in the Gulf and global warming , it may yet come to pass !

    Don’t you just love Snags ?

  17. According to the Belgian Newspaper “Het Verzonnen Nieuws” the 18 year old high rated German talent Klaus Balzack, already dubbed the new Gerd Muller because he scored 58 goals in 38 matches, might go to the Emirates next season.
    He might be very cheap as the claim is that it would only cost 47.00 old BEF and 2 knots and in these days that is as good as giving him away.
    For the moment he is playing for SV Ausgefunden06 in the 2nd tier of Bayern amateur football league but he has spent most of his youth around the corner of the Bayern Munich academy. His best spells always coincided in the month of October.
    His sister has been quoted saying that he has already made contact with Arsenal on a possible stay in the Emirates next season. With the paperwork almost done the only thing he needed to do was to wait for his red membership card to arrive. Once that is done nothing can come between him and coming to the Emirates.
    Wenger is said to be a lifelong admirer of Klaus Balzack and said he was a top top top player in the youth academy and couldn’t understand why Guardiola didn’t pick him up last season.
    Arsenal fans all over the world will be excited about the prospect of having a real Balzack in the place of the mostly useless Giroud who has been booed by all and sundry during every match he even came close to an Arsenal shirt.
    Balzack who is 2m tall and stumbles over his feet on every occasion will be a big success amongst Arsenal fans and insiders believe that because of his diving and tumbling technique he might win Arsenal at least 20 penalties next season.

  18. @ Tony Attwood -June 15, 2016 at 7:59 am – It did seem rather apt at 2.30 AM in the morning !

  19. Mkhitaryan’s sister was on Reddit yesterday someone on twitter posted a short video of her profile.
    I have checked her profile and she is following Arsenal. She works for UEFA. Surprised the metro did not pick up on it as they take news from imgur and reddit to fill the pages.

  20. dats

    “You mean Mickey Mouse doesn’t live in Islington?!!”

    I don’t know about that, but rumour has it he did in fact ‘grew up a cow’ so it seems unlikely !

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