by Matthew Hopkins.
The Daily Star is currently running the headline “Arsenal fans call for Arsene Wenger to be sacked”
The opening line of their story is “ARSENAL fans have called on Arsene Wenger to be sacked,” just in case you didn’t get it in the headline.
There is then a headline under the pic of Mr Wenger saying, again, in case you didn’t catch it first time,”WENGER OUT: Fans have called for the Arsenal boss to go.”
Now “Arsenal fans” is of course different from “some Arsenal fans” and “one or two so-called Arsenal fans,” but in essence without any evidence they cite five tweets (which could of course come from the same person) claiming that “if you were #Ozil & #Sanchez why bothered signing a new contract under a clueless money grabbing clown #wengerOut.”
OK the grammar is a bit wonky but you get the idea.
“I hope @MesutOzil1088 @Alexis_Sanchez reject contract and request summer transfer! Too good to be playing for @Arsenal #WengerOut #PSGvAFC.”
Now this repetition of aaa propaganda is of course just the cheapest form of newspaper journalism, but I thought after years of putting up with the Daily Star it might be time to take some action.
Of course I can’t advocate anything illegal like an attack on the Daily Star offices which would be utterly against the law and highly reprehensible – and of course no one would believe me if I said it, given the long association with non-violence that this website has had. Indeed even if I wanted to advocate the burning down of the Daily Star offices I couldn’t because if you visit http://www.dailystar.co.uk/contact you find that it just takes you around in a circle and doesn’t give the address. Why is that I wonder. Has someone put a hex on them?
But since the Witchfinder General is no longer with us in the flesh but guides us in spirit, and since witchcraft is no longer illegal I think I can offer a thought or two. The 1736 act which imposed fines and imprisonment on people who claimed to be witches has long since gone. The 1951 Fraudulent Mediums Act was repealed in 2008.
So basically putting a curse on the Daily Star #CurseTheStar and on the “author” (I use the word in its vaguest sense, if in fact any sense at all) #CurseJackWilson is not illegal.
Now putting a curse on people really isn’t that hard. You don’t need any toads or newts of anything like that. You just make up some mumbo jumbo and decide what you want to happen to these people. Then you post it on Twatter with the #CurseTheStar and #CurseJackWilson at the end of you are done.
Will it have any effect?
Well, 27 years ago someone said, “enough of this truth malarkey let’s just make it all up as we go along” and out of that the Daily Star was born. Which just shows you how powerful witchcraft can be.
However within this we need to understand that the Star (#CurseTheStar and #CurseJackWilson) claimed that the anti-Wengerian twats were trending after the game. Which raises the question, what exactly does trending mean.
The problem we have here is that there are hundreds of sites that give a definition of trending and all of them have different definitions. Here, for what it is worth, is mine.
Trending means popular – but that popularity is related to sites that you look at. To show how this works, if I look at a particular web site to find a hotel somewhere, and then go on Untold Arsenal, I will see in the advert sections adverts for hotels. This is because the robots pick up my web searches and then feed back results from people who are in the network Untold’s ad agency is signed up with.
This doesn’t mean everyone else gets the same adverts, anymore than everyone sees the same Twats as trending on Twatter. It all depends on the robots.
So those five twats about Wenger Out were probably all picked up by Jack Wilson (#CurseTheStar and #CurseJackWilson) because he had been scrabbling around in the dirt looking for Twats showing the Wenger out.
But now, you are asking, how do I curse The Star and how do I curse Jack Wilson?
Well famed sorcerer and occult author Damien Mulkrin, say you have to
1. Rise from your bed at midnight. Sit cross-legged on the floor in a dark, empty room and whisper the words: “Evil, live, live, evil” over and over for one minute. In your mind’s eye, picture the person or entity you want to curse. There is a picture of the Daily Star building (which although they try and hide the fact is at The Northern & Shell Building, Number 10 Lower Thames Street, London, EC3R 6EN.
2. As the image of the person or the building gets stronger to you, visualize great harm coming to him or her or the building. For example, you might watch with delight as a the building implodes.
3. Savour the agony of the owners of this “newspaper” – but don’t forget: the misfortune you visualize is the misfortune your victim will suffer in real life. If you visualize anyone getting hurt in the collapse of the building that could happen. That’s not very nice so much better to have the building fall down with no one inside and the victim Jack Wilson (#CurseTheStar and #CurseJackWilson) should lose his job. Don’t try and kill anyone as they might come back and have a pop at you.
Now this is easier than you might think since the Daily Star (#CurseTheStar) doesn’t employ any journalists but has its stories made up by a bunch of down and outs living on the Isle of Wight (#CurseJackWilson)
4. As you continue to revel in the imaginary evil you have brought to your enemy, whisper: “Powers of darkness, make this so.” Contemplate your actions for a minute or so and then, says Mulkrin, “your work is done.”
Now the key points in all this is Witchcraft is not illegal in the UK therefore if you follow what is written above (rather nasty though it is) and awful things happen to The Star #CurseTheStar and Jack Wilson #CurseJackWilson you can’t be done for it, unless you were at the scene or directing others to take physical action. And besides witchcraft if nonsense so if the building were to fall down it still wouldn’t be your fault because witchcraft doesn’t work.
#CurseTheStar and #CurseJackWilson
Right, I’m going to start a counter ‘trend’
I think Ozil, Alexis and Wenger should all sign 5 year contract extensions.
All we need now is one more fan to agree and that constitutes Arsenal ‘fans’ doesn’t it ?
On the basis of that I can just see it blazoned across the back of the STAR tomorrow:
ARSENAL FANS CALL FOR OZIL, ALEXIS AND WENGER TO SIGN 5 YEAR DEALS
Simple.
Count me in, I have always regarded myself as ‘trendy’.
Alexis is looking for a get out clause so perhaps you need a little wooden doll of The Independent editor. Hard to know what Mesut is thinking as he seems to be half asleep this season.
I think we should all return to the terra cotta, support the team and Arsene Wenger 100% until the season’s end.
And THEN have a good old post mortem. 😉
Oga Tony, please I don’t get it. I mean I don’t know who is Jack Wilson. I search google but that name is associated with base ball and not football as far as sports is concerned with that name.
But I read Jonathan Wilson’s article that was published some 6 hours ago on B/R. Jonathan in his article had lambasted Arsenal failure to beat PSG last Tueday at Parc des Princes in France in a match day no.1 of this season’s Ucl competition. And he went on to likened Le Prof to the fear ofJonah who had initially disobeyed the commandment of God to go to the City of Nineveh to predict the consummation of that City.
What is this guy talking about? Is he saying Le Prof had in the last 12 years been afraid to take the bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground, slay it to recapture the PL and win the CL or what? I think he is trying to say the Gunners had gone complacent and won’t go through the extra tough 1 mile to 1st breast the tape ahead of their rival competitors for the PL &:CL titles. Will that be true? I don’t think so. I think what had been largely responsible for our failure to recapture the PL and at least won the CL 3 times in the last 10 years was Le Prof had not been able to refurbish his squad to the high standard level obtained by the invisible team of Patrick Viera era. And unfortunately, the PL & CL squad he has had in the last 5 seasons had suffered chronic injuries to some top 1st team players which had led to Arsenal falling off the track to top the table before or on the final day of the PL completion.
However, it has appeared Le Prof has now blocked the leakages this season which had been leaking in his senior squad for some past seasons as he has brought in 3 new senior players to bolster his 1st team squad for this season’s campaign. All that will be required now is for Arsenal to try by all means to tie down Mesut Ozil and Alexis Sanchez to a longer contract deals. In this wise, I am appealing to Sanchez to drop his insistence of having a release clause fee inserted into his extended contract deal.But if he insist, both Ozil and him can have £120m and £100m inserted into their extended new deals as their release clauses by Arsenal despite that will lead to break away from Arsenal policy of not inserting release clause into the contract of any Gunner at Arsenal.
And above all, Le Prof should please always when possible make the very correct starts and bench for all Arsenal games. Every game has it’s own complexion and it’s correct starts and bench as the application for the game. On this point, Le Prof should please bear it in his thoughts that the complextion of his starts and bench should be superior tactically & technically to that which his opponent manager has offer in any Arsenal match. Its by doing this that the Gunners can infest the game application of of their opponent team with Trojans and render their game application into obsolete state.
Don’t worry yourself, The Star only has a readership of 3 and none of those have an IQ higher, What the Star prints gets less recognition than Twitter and there definitely are some on there with an over exaggerated opinion of there worth!!
Or leave a comment under the article…
At a previous place of employment online surfing of the star was barred as pornography. About right
Jambug,
Count me in too.
On the other hand, you’d wish that guy’s parents used the condom for once.
You forgot number 5:
5: Any curse you send out will probably be returned right back at you. 🙂
//
Nicky:
The season is too long to do it all at the end. By the time we get to the end, the first games will have been mostly forgotten, any anger gone( that is, if Arsenal is doing real good).
Better to deal with it then and move on.
@ Jambug – September 15, 2016 at 6:02 pm – Count me in two, or should it be three ?
I too want to be trendy !
@ Matthew Hopkins – I think that many future generations of toads and newts will thank you for getting them off that prerequisite list of ‘must haves ‘ !
And that horrendous building – it looks like something that Gunner6 ‘s son would have conjured with his lego set !
Or we could collectively click our heels ( or our fingers ?) and sent that lot to Kansas while saying , ” There is no place like home !” , or hell !
When you foolishly attempt to fling shit , oftentimes much of it will stick !
The President Elect(PE) and the Incumbent President(IP)somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had the PE in his chair, reached for the aftershave.
The PE was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.’
The second barber turned to the IP and said, ‘How about you?’
The IP replied, ‘Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
@Para,
But what’s the alternative? 😉
Awww BG, square blocks are still the norm for lego bricks…
CROAK !
A frog asked an astrologer : ” Can please tell me my future?”
Astrologer: ” A young cute girl will touch and hold you .”
Frog: ” Wow, great! When and where? ”
Astrologer: ” Next semester,in biology lab…. “