By Sir Hardly Anyone
One of the great twists of the Football Fake News creators is that they not only create fake news day by day, but that they then attribute the “story” to another source – in which the story didn’t appear in the first place. So not only is the news fake but also so is the source of the news.
Sometimes just out of interest, and to make it look as if I have a real job, I do go back and check, but not always. But since the story isn’t true anyway, it hardly matters. Anyway, here are today’s fakes. The real stories are at the end.
1. Arsenal are out of phase with football in holding onto Mr Wenger
Over 90 per cent of clubs in the first divisions in Turkey, Romania, Albania and Macedonia got rid of their manager in 2014/15. This shows how far Arsenal have fallen behind with modern footballing trends.
I’m sorry to say I can’t remember where I read that, as I was laughing so much at the time I spilled my coffee over me and the newspaper.
2. Arsenal must buy NOW because players are planning to leave wholesale.
This is a re-run of last summer’s story and is basically being used as a way in to explain why we are going to buy SC Freiburg forward Maximilian Philipp. That’s according to Bild, according to someone who claims to have read the paper, but already Bayer Leverkusen and Borussia Dortmund are in there making sure Arsenal don’t get their man.
Apparently Philipp joined Freiburg from Energie Cottbus in 2013
3. Crystal palace to permanently sign Jenkinson
There used to be a rule in English prohibiting split infinitives, but apparently that doesn’t apply anymore. Anyway, Fat Sam knew Jenks during their mutual time at West Ham.
4. World Exclusive
Tutto Mercato says that Arsenal are in the market to sign Schalke left-back Sead Kolasinac. Or alternatively Sead Kolasinac says Arsenal are in the market to sign Tutto Mercato.
5. Arsenal swoop for 23-year-old to solve problem position
If it is a swoop it must be real. But oh, what’s this “Arsenal could turn to Sead Kolasinac to solve their problem left-back position. According to a report in Metro. Well it must be true then.
The outcast in question is Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. And this one comes from TalkSPORT who are quoting Bild who say Jurgen Klopp is active.
Does no one think it is funny that we learn such a story involving an English player and two English clubs from a discredited English commercial radio station quoting a German newspaper without any reference to where it got the story from.
7: The apparent giant shadow hanging over Arsenal’s Sanchez talks
The shadow is that of Paris St Germain. And this is revealed to us by The Daily Mail no less.
8: Both Ozil and Alexis to leave
The wonderful Daily Star made this one us, telling us neither of the players will sign new contracts unless Mr Wenger makes a major new signing. And of course he won’t because he never does, so they are off.
9. Arsenal midfielder Ismael Bennacer has been called up to Algeria’s squad for the Africa Cup of Nations.
That’s not a transfer story of course but I just happened to find it while flipping through the pages. And of course it has a NEGATIVE because this is Arsenal and all stories must, under legislation passed by the government of Ted Heath during the Middle Ages, have a negative side. It is
“Bennacer, who only made his senior debut for Algeria in September, will miss key fixtures for Arsenal’s under-23 side over the next month, including matches against Southampton and Chelsea.”
10: More negatives: Arsenal may still miss out on Aubameyang despite Real Madrid boost
That is from Calciomercato although we are also told Real Madrid are pulling out of the deal.
“The Borussia Dormund player has made no secret of the fact he wants to play for the Spanish side, but should they not come calling, the Premier League would certainly be the next best option.
“Should Wenger manage to land the forward, that would be a huge coup for him, and certainly get some the haters off his back – to land a coveted player is one thing, but to land a world class forward that fans have been crying out for is another altogether.“
That could in turn convince Alexis Sanchez and Mesut Ozil to remain at the club, and would certainly make the north London side serious title contenders next term.”Except – I think we have quite a few forwards already don’t we? And they score lots of goals too.
Oh but it doesn’t matter, because PSG are keen, and they always beat Arsenal to everything.
11: Arsenal are planning to buy a player that the club doesn’t need
According to “Soccer SMA” and allegedly coming from the Sun and before them Corriere della Sera (see what I mean about sources) Arsenal are ready to launch the assault and sign Kostas Manolas next summer and Manchester United are planning to do the same.
The Sun allegedly says AS Roma rated the “center half” (I love that, I think we stopped calling them “centre” (in English) halves about 30 years ago) around £52million. Soccer SMA says, “this means that the Gunners will have to break their transfer record to hire the services of the 25-year-old Greek defender. The question is, do Arsenal need him?”
12: New manager to replace Wenger
442 tell us that Massimiliano Allegri has been touted as a potential successor to Arsene Wenger but Juventus chief executive says he will not be leaving the Italian champions. Bit of a non-story then.
13. Let’s use the same story for every club as it is bound to be right somewhere.
If you think the above two stories are a bit silly, being in essence about the non-movement of a player and a manager, how about this from Football Tavern.
On one page they are running“Arsenal would be silly to axe these two players Agreed?”
It is a bit of an unexciting headline and not one that I would normally bother with, but then I happened to notice that they are also running on another page
“Everton would be silly to axe these two players Agreed?”
and then on another
“Rangers would be silly to axe these two players Agreed?”
Of course it is all a bit weak and feeble, but since bloggettas like this are the source of stories for some newspapers (which then attribute them to Spanish newspapers you have never heard of) it seems that maybe everyone is just running out of stories.
14. Wenger wants Mertesacker to leave Emirates this January – Reports
The writer of this little invention quotes the Times, but since the Times has a paywall on its website and my local newsagent doesn’t stock it because “there is no call for it around these parts”, I have not read this in person, but apparently Per isn’t leaving definitively, but rather is going out on loan.
The story as re-told is that Mertesacker’s “future at Arsenal is now in doubt and the club is considering sending him out on loan.”
15: Wojciech Szczesny up for sale
Another clickbaiter tells us that “According to the Sun, Wojciech Szczesny is another player that could be set for a departure – with a sale to Roma reportedly on the cards.”
16: Ozil is staying
This is in the Express: he has “dropped a clear hint he will sign a new Arsenal deal.” I think we can call that “boring” since we had that last week, and the week before, and the week… Apparently Ozil has won the Germany “Player of the Year” award for 2016, winning 54.5% of the total votes.Which is interesting because…
17: Arsenal must get rid of Ramsey, Mert and Debuchy
Such has been the outing of fake news reporters some bloggettas have started to put out opinion pieces which are just given as straight opinions. They are fairly boring, because there is no evidence around the opinion, but one such is that we need a big clear out as above. That is interesting, because previously all we ever got was the thought that what we needed was more and more incomers, with no thought of getting rid of players to make room in the “25”.
So where has the realisation that the “25” rule is real come from. They couldn’t be reading Untold could they?
18: Giroud is injured
Oh no he’s not. Oh yet he is. Mostly the thought is that he is.
19: Ozil has another feather to boast of, in his cap, with the player having been adjudged Germany’s Player of the Year for 2016, winning 54.5% of the total votes. OK that’s not a transfer story, but I thought I would put it in anyway.
20: Gnabry to return“Werder Bremen winger Serge Gnabry is open to a return to Arsenal just six months after he left the club….
“While speaking to German daily BILD, the youngster admitted that he would consider a potential return to England with Chelsea and former side Arsenal among his preferred destinations.And why? Well, we are not told. But it is in both the Standard and the Metro so we should take it seriously. Or not as the case may be.
Anyway, just in case you are interested here are the actual transfers involving Arsenal this January.
- Cohen Bramall to Arsenal from Hednesford Town for 40k
- Jon Toral back to Arsenal from his loan spell, and now off to Rangers
- Dan Crowley to Go Ahead Eagles on loan.
Simple when you just tell the truth.
Untold Arsenal and the Arsenal History Society… recent stories
Simple answers and the rejection of experts: the need for multiple scorers
Alexis’ ego: where will it take him next?
Swansea – Arsenal : 0-4 Iwobi pulls us over the line
Santi update, team v Swansea, more from Özil and Torino story is fake news.
Swansea v Arsenal: the prelims and early team news
Latest addition to the Arsenal History Society website:
The Index of major articles about Arsenal players
.
There never was a rule stating that it was wrong to split an infinitive. Please check via Fowler’s “The King’s English”.
JUST FUCK EM
So, Mesut ‘nicking a living’ Ozil wins another award in Germany? 5 year in a row!!! Wonder how he dupes those germans…
20 fake news stories created by UK’s media plus three Arsenal transfer stories that are actually real.
By Sir Hardly Anyone
One of the great twists of the Football Fake News creators is that they not only create fake news day by day, but that they then attribute the “story” to another source – in which the story didn’t appear in the first place. So not only is the news fake but also so is the source of the news.
Sometimes just out of interest, and to make it look as if I have a real job, I do go back and check, but not always. But since the story isn’t true anyway, it hardly matters. Anyway, here are today’s fakes. The real stories are at the end.
1. Arsenal are out of phase with football in holding onto Mr Wenger
Over 90 per cent of clubs in the first divisions in Turkey, Romania, Albania and Macedonia got rid of their manager in 2014/15. This shows how far Arsenal have fallen behind with modern footballing trends.
I’m sorry to say I can’t remember where I read that, as I was laughing so much at the time I spilled my coffee over me and the newspaper.
2. Arsenal must buy NOW because players are planning to leave wholesale.
This is a re-run of last summer’s story and is basically being used as a way in to explain why we are going to buy SC Freiburg forward Maximilian Philipp. That’s according to Bild, according to someone who claims to have read the paper, but already Bayer Leverkusen and Borussia Dortmund are in there making sure Arsenal don’t get their man.
Apparently Philipp joined Freiburg from Energie Cottbus in 2013
3. Crystal palace to permanently sign Jenkinson
There used to be a rule in English prohibiting split infinitives, but apparently that doesn’t apply anymore. Anyway, Fat Sam knew Jenks during their mutual time at West Ham.
4. World Exclusive
Tutto Mercato says that Arsenal are in the market to sign Schalke left-back Sead Kolasinac. Or alternatively Sead Kolasinac says Arsenal are in the market to sign Tutto Mercato.
5. Arsenal swoop for 23-year-old to solve problem position
If it is a swoop it must be real. But oh, what’s this “Arsenal could turn to Sead Kolasinac to solve their problem left-back position. According to a report in Metro. Well it must be true then.
6: Liverpool set to make a move for Arsenal outcast
The outcast in question is Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. And this one comes from TalkSPORT who are quoting Bild who say Jurgen Klopp is active.
Does no one think it is funny that we learn such a story involving an English player and two English clubs from a discredited English commercial radio station quoting a German newspaper without any reference to where it got the story from.
7: The apparent giant shadow hanging over Arsenal’s Sanchez talks
The shadow is that of Paris St Germain. And this is revealed to us by The Daily Mail no less.
8: Both Ozil and Alexis to leave
The wonderful Daily Star made this one us, telling us neither of the players will sign new contracts unless Mr Wenger makes a major new signing. And of course he won’t because he never does, so they are off.
9. Arsenal midfielder Ismael Bennacer has been called up to Algeria’s squad for the Africa Cup of Nations.
That’s not a transfer story of course but I just happened to find it while flipping through the pages. And of course it has a NEGATIVE because this is Arsenal and all stories must, under legislation passed by the government of Ted Heath during the Middle Ages, have a negative side. It is
“Bennacer, who only made his senior debut for Algeria in September, will miss key fixtures for Arsenal’s under-23 side over the next month, including matches against Southampton and Chelsea.”
10: More negatives: Arsenal may still miss out on Aubameyang despite Real Madrid boost
That is from Calciomercato although we are also told Real Madrid are pulling out of the deal.
“The Borussia Dormund player has made no secret of the fact he wants to play for the Spanish side, but should they not come calling, the Premier League would certainly be the next best option.
“Should Wenger manage to land the forward, that would be a huge coup for him, and certainly get some the haters off his back – to land a coveted player is one thing, but to land a world class forward that fans have been crying out for is another altogether.“
That could in turn convince Alexis Sanchez and Mesut Ozil to remain at the club, and would certainly make the north London side serious title contenders next term.”Except – I think we have quite a few forwards already don’t we? And they score lots of goals too.
Oh but it doesn’t matter, because PSG are keen, and they always beat Arsenal to everything.
11: Arsenal are planning to buy a player that the club doesn’t need
According to “Soccer SMA” and allegedly coming from the Sun and before them Corriere della Sera (see what I mean about sources) Arsenal are ready to launch the assault and sign Kostas Manolas next summer and Manchester United are planning to do the same.
The Sun allegedly says AS Roma rated the “center half” (I love that, I think we stopped calling them “centre” (in English) halves about 30 years ago) around £52million. Soccer SMA says, “this means that the Gunners will have to break their transfer record to hire the services of the 25-year-old Greek defender. The question is, do Arsenal need him?”
12: New manager to replace Wenger
442 tell us that Massimiliano Allegri has been touted as a potential successor to Arsene Wenger but Juventus chief executive says he will not be leaving the Italian champions. Bit of a non-story then.
13. Let’s use the same story for every club as it is bound to be right somewhere.
If you think the above two stories are a bit silly, being in essence about the non-movement of a player and a manager, how about this from Football Tavern.
On one page they are running“Arsenal would be silly to axe these two players Agreed?”
It is a bit of an unexciting headline and not one that I would normally bother with, but then I happened to notice that they are also running on another page
“Everton would be silly to axe these two players Agreed?”
and then on another
“Rangers would be silly to axe these two players Agreed?”
Of course it is all a bit weak and feeble, but since bloggettas like this are the source of stories for some newspapers (which then attribute them to Spanish newspapers you have never heard of) it seems that maybe everyone is just running out of stories.
14. Wenger wants Mertesacker to leave Emirates this January – Reports
The writer of this little invention quotes the Times, but since the Times has a paywall on its website and my local newsagent doesn’t stock it because “there is no call for it around these parts”, I have not read this in person, but apparently Per isn’t leaving definitively, but rather is going out on loan.
The story as re-told is that Mertesacker’s “future at Arsenal is now in doubt and the club is considering sending him out on loan.”
15: Wojciech Szczesny up for sale
Another clickbaiter tells us that “According to the Sun, Wojciech Szczesny is another player that could be set for a departure – with a sale to Roma reportedly on the cards.”
16: Ozil is staying
This is in the Express: he has “dropped a clear hint he will sign a new Arsenal deal.” I think we can call that “boring” since we had that last week, and the week before, and the week… Apparently Ozil has won the Germany “Player of the Year” award for 2016, winning 54.5% of the total votes.Which is interesting because…
17: Arsenal must get rid of Ramsey, Mert and Debuchy
Such has been the outing of fake news reporters some bloggettas have started to put out opinion pieces which are just given as straight opinions. They are fairly boring, because there is no evidence around the opinion, but one such is that we need a big clear out as above. That is interesting, because previously all we ever got was the thought that what we needed was more and more incomers, with no thought of getting rid of players to make room in the “25”.
So where has the realisation that the “25” rule is real come from. They couldn’t be reading Untold could they?
18: Giroud is injured
Oh no he’s not. Oh yet he is. Mostly the thought is that he is.
19: Ozil has another feather to boast of, in his cap, with the player having been adjudged Germany’s Player of the Year for 2016, winning 54.5% of the total votes. OK that’s not a transfer story, but I thought I would put it in anyway.
20: Gnabry to return“Werder Bremen winger Serge Gnabry is open to a return to Arsenal just six months after he left the club….
“While speaking to German daily BILD, the youngster admitted that he would consider a potential return to England with Chelsea and former side Arsenal among his preferred destinations.And why? Well, we are not told. But it is in both the Standard and the Metro so we should take it seriously. Or not as the case may be.
________________________________
So what.
Dominic
I used to really believe in the split infinitive rule, but now I’m more relaxed about grammar and although I try to consciously get it right, don’t worry when it becomes difficult to sensibly write in a meaningful manner
Brilliant piece attached which analyses the Arsenal West Brom match in December. Just take a look at the amount of time the ball was out of play for the 90 minutes and how that was split between the two teams. Why this is not more widely commented on…. we probably all know the answer!!!
https://chanceanalytics.com/2017/01/15/are-we-calculating-possession-all-wrong/
Thanks Jaroda2, a good link showing how much money is wasted by all of us… and that nothing is said or done about it. Oh yeah, that’s right a 87th minute yellow card at the most….
I keep reading in the press and hearing on television and radio critical appraisals of how poor Arsenal are, and conversely how brilliant Spurs and Liverpool with their dynamic young managers are.
You would think we were way behind the pair of them points wise but in fact we are just one behind.
Funny how the media work.
Cynics die wit their cynism , just as fake news pedlers die wit their fake news;all dis negatives about Arsenal has got me wondering wat Citey fans nd other Club fans do to unsettle their players nd managers whilst expecting them to win tittles;I commemd Arsene nd his players for their commitment inspite of d foul atmosphere surrounding their daily operations they must hve special immunity against all these negatives we read about daily; my concern for d rest of d season is how d team will remain focused nd win all remaining matches,especially d matches against chelsea, liverpool,city nd spurds,if this can be achieved we hve a gud chance of taking d tittle bcos am optimistic 2017 is Arsenal year, we will suprise ourselves, dat am sure of come May. Shalom!!!
It look like Carl Jenkinson is heading to Crystal Palace, Sam sort of confirmed it. Sad news though, I was hoping for him to get more game time at Arsenal but it’s understandable that he wants to play regularly. Good luck to him wherever he go.
Nice read. Actually all those transfer news are becoming stale..but these papers won’t stop because they need a piece of shit with a headline to run their advertisement pages.
21. Arsenal’s shareholders and management to give serious consideration to the opinions of ‘them’ by giving their elective representative a place on the board. That is once they have come to a common consensus as to what is the right direction to go.
Their presence there is expected inject much needed humour amongst those old fuddy–duddies on the board , what with their simple minded slogans and solutions ; as well as ‘them’ being the general sounding board of stupidity and imbecility .
This unprecedented epoch in Arsenal’s history was to have been the sole exclusivity of The Brickfields Gunners Blog to reveal yesterday , but he had to leave early after pissing himself silly and having had pulled his groin in ROTF LOL .
Watch out for further developments .
Someone has written these words of wisdom ( ?) about management laws –
WARNING – NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN !
3 Fucking Laws of Management
– If you learn them, no one can beat you in Corporate Management, but unfortunately even Harvard Business School does not teach them.
1.Fucking Law of Delivery Time.
– No matter how hard and fast you fuck, the child comes after 9 months.
Moral – Pressurizing does not alter delivery period.
2. Fucking Law of Direction.
– Even though both holes are nearby, if by a wrong shot, you enter the wrong hole, no matter how hard you fuck, you never get a child.
Moral – Right direction is very important to get the results, even few centimeters away from right direction, even if it gives satisfaction, cannot lead to results.
3. Fucking Law of Human Resources-
– By appointing 4 men to fuck 1 woman, you cannot get 4 children, but if you appoint one man and 4 women, you can get 4 children.
Moral – Appoint the right person at the right position. Otherwise you would keep on wondering, why you are not getting the results even after appointing more men.*
Forward to all Hard working employees.
End of management lecture .
Could it be possible that the British media, pundits , experts and fans are just plainly being misunderstood because the rest of the world don’t get it ?
Confusing ? Not half !
61 British Sentences That Will Confuse The Fuck Out Of Everyone Else.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/hilarywardle/british-sentences-that-will-confuse-the-fuck-out-of-everybod?utm_term=.ivQ4lkY667#.ygOavyA443
My favourites –
4. “They’re fine once you get to know them.” – They’re arseholes.
( You know they are !)
16. “You look like you had fun last night!” – You look like you slept in a bin.
( Or Arsenal must have won , again !)
32. “With the greatest respect…” – I think you’re an idiot.
( We all have the greatest respects !)
34. “Maybe I’m not explaining it properly.” – I am explaining it properly, you’re just dim.
( Sounds a lot like Tony on UA !)
37. “Very interesting.” – You’re talking bollocks.
( I’ll second that !)
Jaroda2 Nice, I noted this from before, nice to see something more substantial to add.
I think Morata is viable, but Real don’t have the cash so may stick with him and Benzema or offload the latter. Rierre is the absolute reincarnation of Henry in terms of character, he adds dimensions to our game as well. Draxler was not wroth the £40m PSG paid, but no doubting his quality, Ligue 1 debut, winning goal, first appearance, game ends 7-0.
I wouldn’t have paid that much, so let PSg waste their funds,