By Professeur Jacques Liaison, Inventeur
Bonjour mes chers Gooners. Allow me to introduce myself and an invention of mine that will change history once and for all.
Let me first tell you what the invention is about. For those who have been married or in a long term relationship they will have found out that their partner can come up with statements such as, “On Friday 5 July you said…” and tell you about something you absolutely can’t remember but which apparently involved you in promising to do something you now haven’t done.
This is how the brains of a long term partner works. They remember every little detail and remember what you said it in order to confront you with it when they feel the time is right. Mostly I have found the time is not right at all. As I have found out with my wife and with my various mistresses. (After all, I am French you know).
Bon, so I started to research the hearing system of people who do this “last year you said you would” thing. And as a result of this I invented a machine that I called the “passé auditeur”. In plain and translated English I will call it the “Past Hearer”. Copyright © and trade mark (™) reserved.
After many trials and tribulations I found my machine could indeed hear the sound of voices that had been spoken in the past! Just as one of my mistresses reminded me the other day that I had promised to leave my wife on April 1st 2012, I could even hear myself saying just that it, when I programmed the machine to scan our bedroom for that day! Needless to say, this invention will change the world.
Bon, I can hear you think, but what has this got to do with Arsenal? A very good question. Well, the thing is that to make a commercial version of my machine I had to get some extra funding.
Now I had heard about some people who wanted to buy Arsenal shares but for some unknown reason couldn’t get their hands on any. So I contacted their leader (Monsieur Tom Payerunetonne and suggested he put his money into my invention instead of putting it in a football club. La stupidité!
In return I promised that I would use my machine for M Tom and his colleagues whenever they wanted. And what follows now is très confidential mes amis. You must promise me to not pass this conversation any further. Let us keep it amongst ourselves.
What I did was contact Monsieur Du Bois who runs this blog and he offered to make my invention known to the public. Je vous remercie du fond de mon cœur. Pardon my French.
My French shareholders ordered me to find out the plans of the Arsenal board. Thanks to Nicky’s gran who cleans at the Emirates we sneaked in to the board room from Arsenal. Mr. Payerunetonne, told me to scan the room for past conversations between a person called Silence Stan and Arsène Wenger, who is also French. So that made it easier as I could use my new app in the machine which scans for accents. So I had to scan for an American accent and a French accent.
Bon. My machine did what it had to do. And I will bring you a short summary of some of the past conversations I could overhear with my machine.
I can’t give you the accent as in writing this is trop difficile if not impossible but you have to think it in your head. SS stands for Stan Silence as Mr. Payerunetonne called him and AW stands for Arsène Wenger. (At first I thought that he his name was Wenger Out as that is what my shareholders called him all the time but this turns out not to be the case).
SS: Arsène, what is this all about? Those protesting fans outside the stadium. All 200 of them. What are they shouting about wanting their Arsenal back?
AW: Stan, well you know everyone is entitled to their opinions and has the right to express them.
SS: Why are they unhappy?
AW: Well Stan you know whenever we don’t win a match they want my head on a plate. Yes I want to win every match myself so I feel miserable when we don’t win but they feel entitled to win every match.
SS: (long silence and a big sigh with an American accent)
AW: As much as I want we can’t win every match. No team can.
SS: But we must keep our fans happy. What Arsenal do they want back?
AW:. They want their Arsenal back. As I am their target I think they want the Arsenal back before I came here.
SS: Can you do this?
AW: Let us see I will take my computer for a moment. [Some noises of opening a valise, sorry suitcase and a computer starting up.]
SS: What was Arsenal before you came Arsène?
AW: Well Stan according to my computer Arsenal finished in their history at position 7 on average.
SS: And since you came here?
[More clicking on keyboards were recorded at this point.]
AW: since then we finished on average in position 2.6 to be precise.
SS: So that is on average 5 places better than in the past?
AW: Yes thereabouts.
SS: So by wanting their Arsenal back they want to finish on average in 7th position?
AW: It looks that way.
SS: Doesn’t that sounds stupid?
AW: eeuh [French “er” – note from Professeur Jacques Liaison]. It does sound stupid but they are the fans and they have every right to ask this of course. They pay for the tickets.
SS: So basically they want us to finish in 7th place? Can you make them happy?
AW: But Stan with all respect I don’t want to finish in 7th place at all. I never finished below 4th place in the PL.
SS: Now look Arsène, I am the boss. But I also want to keep the fans happy. We have to find a solution to keep the fans on board.
AW: Do you want me to quit?
SS: NO! I want you to make them happy. Can you imagine me sitting here talking with that awful Mourinho? He would be moaning for more money every minute of every [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep – American swear words] day. And we know he will not get it from me. I don’t want his sort around here. I can’t stand the guy.
AW: So you want me to stay but you want to keep the fans happy also at the same time?
SS: Yes, it is rather simple you know. I want you to be the manager. They want their Arsenal back from before you. So there you have it: you sign the new contract but under the strict condition that you must finish in 7th place. And everybody is happy.
AW: But I don’t want to finish in 7th place!
SS: Arsène, I order you now to first sign the new contract that will keep you here for the next two years and then make the fans happy by finishing 7th.
AW: (A deep French sigh). Ah merde. This is difficult you know Stan.
SS: Arsène, this is how it will be. I’m sick of those fighting inside and outside the stadium and those banner boys. Give them their Arsenal back and finish 7th.
AW: Can I at least try to win the FA cup?
SS: Will that make them happy?
AW: Probably not as they think it is not a trophy.
SS: Is it one?
AW: Of course it is.
SS: Okay you have my permission to try and win it but make sure you make them happy.
AW: Bon, let me sign this paper now (noise of a pen on paper)
SS: Thank you Arsène and now I can go back to the States knowing that from now on the fans will be happy again.
AW: [sound of French teeth gnashing, chairs moving, people walking, a door opening and closing]
Unfortunately when I presented it to my new shareholders and certainly Mr. Payerunetonne and they could hear this conversation they turned a bit pale. And some even got angry. And started swearing at Mr. Payerunetonne.
“Now look what you have done,” one said. “With all our protests they now want to finish 7th! And that French bloke will still be here. Mr. Payerunetonne said that this wasn’t what he wanted to happen.”
At that time the meeting got a bit heated. So I took my passé auditeur with me as quickly as I could before the fighting started. I work in a science lab and fist fights are not really my environment and my favourite passe temps. Sorry, “hobby”.
I quickly shouted at Mr. Payerunetonne that he could call me any time when he needed me to pick up on some conversations from the past and left the room before the first fist hit the first nose.
But I must say it all looked a bit strange to me. They wanted something back and when they got it back, they still were unhappy and misérable. But I’m not that familiar with football and as they wanted to fight I’m no longer sure I want their money to help me develop my invention. Sacré cœur, before I know it they might try to punch me in the face. I don’t think my mistress would like this to happen….nor do I. Nor, come to think of it, would my wife. Non, non et encore non.
Au revoir, Jacques.
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