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Radical French invention offers supporters chance to get their Arsenal back.

By Professeur Jacques Liaison, Inventeur

Bonjour mes chers Gooners.  Allow me to introduce myself and an invention of mine that will change history once and for all.

Let me first tell you what the invention is about. For those who have been married or in a long term relationship they will have found out that their partner can come up with statements such as, “On Friday 5 July you said…”  and tell you about something you absolutely can’t remember but which apparently involved you in promising to do something you now haven’t done.

This is how the brains of a long term partner works.  They remember every little detail and remember what you said it in order to confront you with it when they feel the time is right. Mostly I have found the time is not right at all. As I have found out with my wife and with my various mistresses. (After all, I am French you know).

Bon, so I started to research the hearing system of people who do this “last year you said you would” thing. And as a result of this I invented a machine that I called the “passé auditeur”.  In plain and translated English I will call it the “Past Hearer”. Copyright © and trade mark (™) reserved.

After many trials and tribulations I found my machine could indeed hear the sound of voices that had been spoken in the past! Just as one of my mistresses reminded me the other day that I had promised to leave my wife on April 1st 2012, I could even hear myself saying just that it, when I programmed the machine to scan our bedroom for that day!   Needless to say, this invention will change the world.

Bon, I can hear you think, but what has this got to do with Arsenal? A very good question. Well, the thing is that to make a commercial version of my machine I had to get some extra funding.

Now I had heard about some people who wanted to buy Arsenal shares but for some unknown reason couldn’t get their hands on any. So I contacted their leader (Monsieur Tom Payerunetonne and suggested he put his money into my invention instead of putting it in a football club. La stupidité!

In return I promised that I would use my machine for M Tom and his colleagues whenever they wanted. And what follows now is très confidential mes amis. You must promise me to not pass this conversation any further. Let us keep it amongst ourselves.

What I did was contact Monsieur Du Bois who runs this blog and he offered to make my invention known to the public. Je vous remercie du fond de mon cœur. Pardon my French.

My French shareholders ordered me to find out the plans of the Arsenal board. Thanks to Nicky’s gran who cleans at the Emirates we sneaked in to the board room from Arsenal. Mr. Payerunetonne, told me to scan the room for past conversations between a person called Silence Stan and Arsène Wenger, who is also French. So that made it easier as I could use my new app in the machine which scans for accents. So I had to scan for an American accent and a French accent.

Bon. My machine did what it had to do. And I will bring you a short summary of some of the past conversations I could overhear with my machine.

I can’t give you the accent as in writing this is trop difficile if not impossible but you have to think it in your head. SS stands for Stan Silence as Mr. Payerunetonne called him and AW stands for Arsène Wenger. (At first I thought that he his name was Wenger Out as that is what my shareholders called him all the time but this turns out not to be the case).

SS: Arsène, what is this all about? Those protesting fans outside the stadium. All 200 of them. What are they shouting about wanting their Arsenal back?

AW: Stan, well you know everyone is entitled to their opinions and has the right to express them.

SS: Why are they unhappy?

AW: Well Stan you know whenever we don’t win a match they want my head on a plate. Yes I want to win every match myself so I feel miserable when we don’t win but they feel entitled to win every match.

SS: (long silence and a big sigh with an American accent)

AW: As much as I want we can’t win every match. No team can.

SS: But we must keep our fans happy. What Arsenal do they want back?

AW:. They want their Arsenal back. As I am their target I think they want the Arsenal back before I came here.

SS: Can you do this?

AW: Let us see I will take my computer for a moment. [Some noises of opening a valise, sorry suitcase and a computer starting up.]

SS: What was Arsenal before you came Arsène?

AW: Well Stan according to my computer Arsenal finished in their history at position 7 on average.

SS: And since you came here?

[More clicking on keyboards were recorded at this point.]

AW: since then we finished on average in position 2.6 to be precise.

SS: So that is on average 5 places better than in the past?

AW: Yes thereabouts.

SS: So by wanting their Arsenal back they want to finish on average in 7th position?

AW: It looks that way.

SS: Doesn’t that sounds stupid?

AW: eeuh [French “er” – note from Professeur Jacques Liaison]. It does sound stupid but they are the fans and they have every right to ask this of course. They pay for the tickets.

SS: So basically they want us to finish in 7th place?  Can you make them happy?

AW: But Stan with all respect I don’t want to finish in 7th place at all. I never finished below 4th place in the PL.

SS: Now look Arsène, I am the boss. But I also want to keep the fans happy.  We have to find a solution to keep the fans on board.

AW: Do you want me to quit?

SS: NO! I want you to make them happy. Can you imagine me sitting here talking with that awful Mourinho? He would be moaning for more money every minute of every [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep – American swear words] day. And we know he will not get it from me. I don’t want his sort around here. I can’t stand the guy.

AW: So you want me to stay but you want to keep the fans happy also at the same time?

SS: Yes, it is rather simple you know. I want you to be the manager. They want their Arsenal back from before you.  So there you have it: you sign the new contract but under the strict condition that you must finish in 7th place. And everybody is happy.

AW: But I don’t want to finish in 7th place!

SS: Arsène, I order you now to first sign the new contract that will keep you here for the next two years and then make the fans happy by finishing 7th.

AW: (A deep French sigh). Ah merde. This is difficult you know Stan.

SS: Arsène, this is how it will be. I’m sick of those fighting inside and outside the stadium and those banner boys. Give them their Arsenal back and finish 7th.

AW: Can I at least try to win the FA cup?

SS: Will that make them happy?

AW: Probably not as they think it is not a trophy.

SS: Is it one?

AW: Of course it is.

SS: Okay you have my permission to try and win it but make sure you make them happy.

AW: Bon, let me sign this paper now (noise of a pen on paper)

SS: Thank you Arsène and now I can go back to the States knowing that from now on the fans will be happy again.

AW: [sound of French teeth gnashing, chairs moving, people walking, a door opening and closing]

Unfortunately when I presented it to  my new shareholders and certainly Mr. Payerunetonne and they could hear this conversation they turned a bit pale. And some even got angry. And started swearing at Mr. Payerunetonne.

“Now look what you have done,” one said. “With all our protests they now want to finish 7th! And that French bloke will still be here.  Mr. Payerunetonne said that this wasn’t what he wanted to happen.”

At that time the meeting got a bit heated. So I took my passé auditeur with me as quickly as I could before the fighting started. I work in a science lab and fist fights are not really my environment and my favourite passe temps. Sorry, “hobby”.

I quickly shouted at Mr. Payerunetonne that he could call me any time when he needed me to pick up on some conversations from the past and left the room before the first fist hit the first nose.

But I must say it all looked a bit strange to me. They wanted something back and when they got it back, they still were unhappy and misérable.  But I’m not that familiar with football and as they wanted to fight I’m no longer sure I want their money to help me develop my invention. Sacré  cœur, before I know it they might try to punch me in the face.  I don’t think my mistress would like this to happen….nor do I. Nor, come to think of it, would my wife.  Non, non et encore non.

Au revoir, Jacques.

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17 comments to Radical French invention offers supporters chance to get their Arsenal back.

  • para

    We want Arsenal back! 🙂
    The Arsenal that plays with spirit, determination and hunger every game regardless the opposition, and build up the Arsenal fear factor again. That’s not too much to ask.

  • Jimbo

    Some of our so called fans will never be happy,I remember many of them calling for Wengers head during the invincible season after a few drawn games.Most of these fools don’t even understand what they’re protesting about and the really sad thing is the whole Arsenal fanbase seem to be caricatured by a few hundred of these daft no reasoning folk.I really have had enough of these embarrassing halfwits..

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Sacré bloody bleu ! Brilliant ! And as her majesty said of the masses before she lost her head , Let ‘them’ eat cake !”

    Many would fondly remember the good old days of Tony Adams trying vainly to stand upright ; or Paul Merson sniffing and snorting everything and talking rubbish ( probably not a good example as he is still at it !)

    George Graham still to become the Leeds Utd or Spuds manager. The memories of those painful 1-0 wins .Oh unbridled joy !

    As the wiseass said , ” Nostalgia is not what it used to be !”

  • Brickfields Gunners

    A survey found that 98% of men want to have sex at least 7 times a week .
    The percentage dropped to 8% , when the pollsters added the words , ‘With own wife !”

    I’m sure that this was NOT in France !

  • MickHazel

    Para
    It takes spirit, determination and hunger to twice come back from a goal down against a team of Man City’s quality, and it’s not the first time this season we have redeemed a losing situation late in the game.
    You are basically accusing the team of not trying which is insulting.
    What the team is lacking is self confidence and a bit of good luck.
    Of course the lack of confidence is made a lot worse by the negative attitude of a large number of supporters such as yourself. So my advice to you would be to get behind the team and show some spirit, determination and hunger in your support and then you can at least say you have done your bit in helping the team get back to winning ways.

  • haahahaa manure finished in a certain position and we heard no comments from any whorelist.They take a mug& its silver ware we take the FA Trophy n its no big deal.Me thinks those so called arsenal tv pricks derseve more choclates more than wot they got.Westham next keep the fire burning.

  • Menace

    MickHazel – I totally agree.

  • Menace

    KampalaBanduki Habari ya Uganda?

  • Goonermikey

    I agree with Mick Hazel too…..and Jimbo

  • Leon

    I can’t honestly say that “I want my Arsenal back” because for me it never went anywhere.
    I have never had any particular aspirations so when we do achieve I’m ecstatic and when we tread water I have no issues. I think we’re currently in a cycle of underachievement for a so called elite club, but a few changes here & there and we’ll be back to winning ways, but if not it won’t make ant difference to my life one bit.

  • Leon

    Any differences to my life

  • Brickfields Gunners

    I have heard in mentioned on the grape vine that in the close season , Stan is going to let the fans decide who Arsenal’s manage for next season will be . But in true American style he going to make it into pay for vote reality tv .

    Every fan wanting to participate will have to pay 10 Pounds for that pleasure . It is to be somewhat a combination of ‘ The Bachelor’ , ‘Jeopardy’ and ‘ Who wants to a Millionaire? ‘, and it involves football quizzes – both international and English;history and general knowledge, some trivial pursuits; economics and finance ; stadia and church buildings and architecture ; humour ; classic literature and music ; the Renaissance ; Medical knowledge and of course ,the arts and sciences .

    While is more than obvious that most fans would have some difficulty in the above subjects , they only get to vote when there is a tie or in awarding bonus points to their respective favourite candidates .

    They can also be chosen in as experts ( stop laughing , its very distracting !) when the candidate is stuck , and either directly calls ‘them’ or gets ‘them’ to help him select the right answer .

    AKBs get 10 points for every vote in appreciation of their selfless dedication to the club .You know , very much like how certain anointed clubs are given bonus points and penalties each season . And not given any yellow and red cards for fouls.

    The early news is that no English , or UK manager has shown any interest. Wonder why?

    Arsene Wenger is tipped by the bookmakers to make it at least to the round of 16 !

    Let the games begin …

  • Brickfields Gunners

    And this new technology will not only be great news for FIFA and the upcoming WC in Russia and Qatar , but also London – No more fogs , and less hot air emanating from parliament !

    Bye bye to the greenhouse gases from cows in New Zealand. And to much mirth in the USA as the president tries to hold on to his ….well what ever it is that covers his scalp !

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAwL0O5nXe0

  • blacksheep

    apparently a few of the chosen-ones-that-speak-for-all-of-us have been to London Colney to protest. They dressed up and donned masks and wrote banners in almost joined up writing – bless em. Well it is the school holidays after all. To be honest, if you associate yourself with that element of the WOB then you’d be better off at Colney Hatch than London Colney…

  • Moment

    Why so scared of change? Get rid of Wenger and half the team and enjoy the ride. To many fans seem to blindly support the club and find it easier to attack fellow supporters. Arsenal need to change and sooner than later. Success brings more fans and more money.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Apparently the United Associations & Societies of Sadomasochists, better known to many by their acronym , UASS , have advised their members against applying for the post of Arsenal manager.

    They deemed the job to be too demeaning and demanding with no chance of achieving any climaxic satisfaction or a happy orgasmic ending.Even they consider the job to be more than cruel, unusual and unjust punishment .

    To suppress these sudden and unnatural urges to ‘just go for it’, they recommend rather that they kick themselves or each other in the nuts with Dr.Martins’ new spiked and studded shoes.

    Listen to UASS , they have you in mind !

  • I think that there is a significant difference between being scared of change and planning change properly – especially when all the analysis suggests that the majority of changes of management in football clubs actually leave clubs either no better off or worse off.