By Sir Hardly Anyone
The Great Transfer Index is a listing of all the players that the English media suggest that Arsenal are about to sign. The great joke is that last summer it only had an accuracy rating of under three percent. In short around 107 players nominated to be coming to Arsenal last summer didn’t arrive!
Most people who committed so a complete balls up in terms of their professional credibility would now be out of a job, and their superiors put on the scrap heap. But this is football journalism so wouldn’t you know it, they are laughing in our faces once again knowing the bloggettas with their six word paragraphs will just take every story and circulate it again.
Here are the players we’ve noted thus far, and since it is a favourite theme of the media, we are also listing all the managers who are about to take over at Arsenal.
Part 1: REPLACING THE MANAGER
The current news is Mr Wenger had not signed new contract. (101, Metro, Express, Star) So the hunt for a new man continues. On the starting blocks we have four hopefuls.
| Manager | Current club | Notes | |
| 1 | Ernesto Valverde | Athletic Bilbao | Also going to Barcelona |
| 2 | Diego Simeone | Atletico Madrid | Defensively minded |
| 3 | Thomas Tuchel | Borussia Dortmund | Attack minded |
| 4 | Massimiliano Allegri | Juventus | Also won the league with Milan |
Next, in a new element we now also apparently need a new…
Part 2: Goalkeeping coach
Chelsea’s goalkeeping coach Christophe Lollichon is “set to” follow Cech to Arsenal (Daily Express).
Next is the big one
Part 3: Players coming in
| No | Player | Club | Position | Notes |
| 1 | Marcelo Allende | Deportes Santa Cruz | Attack m’f | Had 3 trials, training with first team. Signing today!!!! |
| 2 | Karim Benzema | Real Mad | F’wd | Definitely going to either AFC or Chelsea |
| 3 | Andrea Belotti | Juventus | F’wd | Sadly he has just signed a new contract |
| 4 | Iker Casillas | Porto | Goal | To solve our goalkeeping “crisis” |
| 5 | Kingsley Coman | Juventus | Wing | On loan with Bayern this season |
| 6 | Ederson | Benfica | Goal | 23 year old to replace Cech |
| 7 | Jose Luis Gaya | Valencia | LB | Man City winning the race |
| 8 | Ben Gibson | Middlesbrough | Centre back | £30m. Tottenham want him. |
| 9 | Leon Goretzka | Shalke | M’fld | £21m, 1 yr left on contract. Wanted to replace Ozil (Most quoted story by far) |
| 10 | Lorenzo Insigne | Napoli | F’wd | Liverpool! are on alert! |
| 11 | Jakub Jankto | Udinese | M’fld | To play alongside Xhaka |
| 12 | Lorenzo Insigne | Schalke | M’fld | |
| 13 | Sead Kolašinac | Schalke | Defender | Signed as his contract runs out in June |
| 14 | Kylian Mbappe | Monaco | F’wd | The new Thierry Henry |
| 15 | Alexandre Lacazette | Olympique Lyonnais | Striker | Man City want him |
| 16 | Kasper Schmeichel | Leicester | Goal | The man to solve our goalkeeping “crisis” |
| 17 | Corentin Tolisso | Lyon | F’wd | French international, dreams of Arsenal |
| 18 | Jack Wilshere | Bournemouth | M’fld | 75% of guys in the pub want him back |
Last season all of our first team squad were tipped to be leaving. So let’s take a peek at part 4.
Part 4: Outgoing Players
| No | Player | Club | Notes |
| 1 | Alexis | Man C | Guardiola making £50m offer his summer priority |
| 2 | Alexis | Chelsea | Will play out contract and go on a free to Chelsea. |
| 3 | Alexis | Man U | Has already agreed deal |
| 5 | Krystian Bielik | Birmingham | City keen to extend loan for another year. |
| 6 | Bellerin | Barcelona | Barce will sign him; no, he is happy to stay |
| 7 | Campbell | Fenerbahce | Currently in talks to sign |
| 8 | Ospina | Fenerbahce | |
| 9 | LucasPerez | PSG | He’s an “outcast” according to “reports” |
Such is the excitement about players going that Talk Sprout on their own have given us a new listing:
Part 5: Players Staying
Yes here is a novelty – a list of players who are staying. This excludes the group that signed new contracts just recently – as that would make predicting a little bit too easy.
| No | Player | Source |
| 1 | Kieran Gibbs | Talk Sport |
| 2 | Alex Oxlade Chamberlain | Talk Sport |
| 3 | Jack Wilshere | Talk Sport |
And that’s it for now. A new set of players coming, going, and turning round in circles, will be announced shortly.
- Substantial supportive evidence that Sky Sports is utterly and hopelessly in the pocket of PGMO
- Middlesbrough – Arsenal : 1-2
Sir Hardly (may I call you “Hardly? I know I hardly know you but I don’t think you are like anyone else to call you “Anyone” and the word “Sir” has lost its value after Ferguson had been given that thing), a few advices:
1.the medical one – don’t say Belotti that he is a Juventus players unless you want a kick in your…er…”belotties”; Belotti plays for Torino, second club from the city of Turin/Torino, also known for a tragic loss of the whole team in 1949;
2.the mathematical one – you can’t place Insigne twice on the 18-men list and say 18 players are about to join Arsenal as he can’t sign for Arsenal twice, especially not from Schalke given that he has never played for them (and I’m pretty sure he never will);
3.the factual one – Jack Wilshere is an Arsenal player; he is likely to return from a loan when it expires so I can’t give neither you nor the media that one;
4.the consistency one – if Jack and Joel are both on the loan and on the exit door, shouldn’t Joel be named alongside Jack in the 18-men list of players who will join Arsenal?
Well Sir Hardly – We are also going to change the stadium name to Hoki Koki.
@ Menace 18/04/2017 at 8:41 pm -Up the Goons ?
The Anger Games – A reality show where the next Arsenal Manager has to show his worth by running the gauntlet through a different series of crazed ‘fans’ each week before he is finally crowned as a true champion.
The prize –
8 Million Pounds per year.
Unlimited scorn guaranteed -all that you can stomach .
Vilified by masses of underlings and other creepy crawlies
Subject to unlimited abuse by delusional inferiors .
Threats of violence promised.
Crooked officials galore .
Free medical treatment and psychiatric counseling , for a limited period .
Jack has broken his leg, so he’s back already.
Not in great negotiating position for a new contract – I wonder how that will pan out?