By Sir Hardly Anyone.
It looks like we have had a bit of an effect what with our reporting that only 3 in every 100 transfer rumours actually happen for I see it is being quoted elsewhere!
Perhaps as a result of our reporting (or perhaps it is just a coincidence) there is a change in the way transfer rumours are being reported. With reports from foreign bloggettas and free news sheets that no one has heard of largely being laughed out of existence (what with their failure rate being above average at over 99%) we now have an ever increasing amount of “This is what Wenger should do if Arsenal are to stand any chance” replacing the “Arsenal on verge of signing Ima Oldtimer”.
The approach of the bloggettas (defined as blogs which have articles with an average word length relevant to the article of under 100) is based on the fact that a properly run club can do anything it wants, have anyone it wants and off load anyone it wants. Unless it is Arsenal because Arsenal are useless at everything.
So who have we got now I hear you cry? And I shall tell you…
The New Arrivals!!!!!!
1: Juan Cuadrado
He could be sold by Juventus, according to CEO Bepper Marotta, and the Metro. “Arsenal reportedly failed with a bid for the pacey winger earlier this week but according the Juve man, he could still leave the club,” is their reportage. But in other reports “a £17.6m bid was rejected by Juventus.”
However we must note that “Arsene Wenger is reportedly on the hunt to find a replacement for Alexis Sanchez (whom he says he isn’t selling) and Juan Cuadrado seems like a perfect option, despite his failure to make an impact with Chelsea.”
And we are told that “At 29 with plenty of experience, Cuadrado is at the peak of his career, playing his best football.” So that’s all right then.
2: Mario Lemina
This one is less exciting at it is just that the player has been “linked” to Arsenal. But then every player has been linked to Arsenal – except those who are already at Arsenal who are linked to leaving. He’s a central midfielder who has played 29 games for Juventus since 2015. He’s 23 years old and before Juve was at Marseille.
3: Max Kruse
This is another “tracking” affair. But is tracking not another name for “stalking”? Max is currently with Werder Bremen, but already the questions are asked as to whether he is the right man for Arsenal, given that he has spent his entire career in Germany with the likes of Wolfsburg, Werder Bremen and Borussia Monchengladbach and thus doesn’t understand English football.
The 29-year-old forward made 24 appearances for Werder Bremen last season, making seven assists and scoring 15 goals in the Bundesliga. He was placed sixth in top goal-scorers list and he has a somewhat troublesome personality, having often been involved in incidents off the pitch. He even missed European Championship and World Cup for Germany due to said ‘incidents’.
I rather think this one has been set up so that next week we can have “Arsenal back off from accident prone German,” or some such.
4: Thomas Lemar
Because of the club’s slowness at getting its negotiators out of bed in the morning “Arsenal are facing competition from the likes of Liverpool and Juventus for Monaco star”. That comes from Telefoot, although I made the first bit up about the getting up to save the bloggettas having to think of it.
So this gives us Lemar, his team mate Kylian Mbappe and Alexander Lacazette as replacements for Alexis and Mesut Ozil. Not bad.
The Canon helpfully says “Liverpool are reportedly interested in apparent Arsenal target, Monaco midfielder, Thomas Lemar.” In other words they just made that up.
5: Simon Kjaer
Inter and AC Milan are after him but Arsenal are “reported” to have launched an opening bid to sign former Roma and Palermo star currently with Fenerbache and captain of Denmark. Takvim.com claim Arsenal have offered € 12 million to sign him. He’s a centre back and has played 47 league games since 2015 for his club.
6: Sander Berge
Now here is a man to solve our midfield issues, apparently. Except I am not sure we have any midfield issues, if you look at the figures for Xhaka in yesterday afternoon’s report, and recognise that it took him a while to get use to PL refereeing eccentricities.
According to reports in The Mirror, Arsenal are hoping to beat Everton, Monaco and Sevilla to the signing of £18m-rated Genk midfielder.
He’s a “highly-rated Norwegian star” who has been “watched by Gunners scouts for a number of months now”.
7: Marco Asensio
We’ve been a bit low on “red alerts” this time around, while last summer we were getting two a day. Anyway Asensio is demanding more playing time at Real Mad as Liverpool, Arsenal & Juve remain on red-alert. (See told you).
Here’s the thing: “After another scintillating display for Spain in their 5-0 European Under-21 opener against Macedonia, attacking midfielder Marco Asensio has reportedly told his Real Madrid boss Zinedine Zidane that he wants more game time at the Santiago Berbabeu next season.”
Now can you imagine an under 21 telling ZZ how to run the club? He’d have two black eyes and a broken nose in half a second. He has however played 23 times for Real Mad in the league.
But Diario Gol tells us that “the man from Majorca” (which I suppose is a bit like the Man from Delmonte only without the oranges) “is anxious to prove his worth at his current employers ahead of next summer’s World Cup Finals in Russia. Liverpool, Arsenal and Juventus have all been linked with potential moves for the youngster and all three are reported to be remaining on red-alert should he not get those guarantees from Zidane.” Ah. Red Alert Captain. Where’s Patrick Stewart when you need him?
(Huddersfield – Tony).
8: Nikola Maksimovic
Yes Arsenal are interested in Napoli centre back Nikola Maksimovic, and it’s all according to Radio Kiss Kiss
According our old chum R.E. Ports “The Serbian is currently on loan from Torino but will join the Partenopei permanently at the end of the month. The 25 year old was however not a regular in Maurizio Sarri’s side last season, making just ten starts and 12 appearances in total.” Sounds like a sure fire Arsenal buy in that case.
9: M’Baye Niang
Arsenal are reportedly chasing AC Milan forward M’Baye Niang according to reports from the Daily Star, which they tell us gives further reason to believe reports that Olivier Giroud could be on his way out of the club this summer.
Niang spent half of last season on-loan at Watford, scoring twice in 11 games – “was formerly a target for Arsene Wenger in the winter, and the Frenchman has now reportedly reignited his interest in the 22-year-old Frenchman.”
But we might recall that Giroud scored 12 in 29 league games, most of those games being as a sub, and as a winger put in a perfect cross to allow Ramsey to scoring the winning goal in a cup final for the second time in his life. So I ask you, “is this likely??????”
So there we are – nine more players we are getting in. The question is, how many players will we be tipped to be signing BEFORE THE TRANSFER WINDOW ACTUALLY OPENS???? 70 is not impossible!
Funny ol’ game this journalism lark. But to answer the headline, no, it isn’t happening to our club and yes, the news is unbelievable.