by Rowley Birkin
A new Arsenal fans group has been formed and is being called the Direct Action Football Trust. Known by its initials for short, the Trust has set out its manifesto, and Untold Arsenal has procured itself a copy.
The Trust demands that:
1: As an absolute minimum Arsenal should win every game. Nothing less is acceptable.
2: All goals should be scored at the end of the ground at which the Trust members are standing.
3: The roof over the fans should be extended at the Trust’s part of the ground so that supporters do not get wet. Until this happens matches should be stopped when it starts to rain. This is already done in cricket and so is obviously perfectly possible.
4: Forthcoming goal alerts should be issued to supporters in advance so that those in the bars can return to their seats in good time to see the event and support their team properly. By not doing this Arsenal are only damaging themselves and their reputation but also making it harder to fans to support their club.
5: Arsenal should enter and win the next Confederations Cup. As the club knows full well, Arsenal have won the FA Cup more times than anyone else, so there is no point winning it over and over again. We need to see the club take on new challenges, and this is an obvious competition that the club has NEVER won, thus reflecting badly upon it.
6: There are also plenty of other trophies for us to go for such as, for example, the Gillette County Cricket Trophy. The fact that that competition has not been played since 1980 is just a feeble excuse. New trophies is a basic minimum we should expect each year.
7: Members of the Trust demand an uninterrupted view of the pitch. This is a basic minimum also.
8: Members should be able to order and pay for food and drinks on line and then have them ready at the serving counters or better still their seats. Some of the serving wenches seem to have difficulty in locating certain items rapidly enough and they should be improved also.
9: The half time interval should be extended to allow extra drinking time.
10: Members should be able to choose which players they want transferred to the club. We propose that once any player from any club has 100 Arsenal supporters who have his name on their replica shirt the club must buy him in the next transfer window.
11: The transfer windows should be extended to run from 1 June to 31 May.
12: If we the members deem that Arsenal has not played well enough in the first half a designated member of the Direct Action Football Trust will be nominated to give the team talk at half-time. The club manager will be allowed to be present but should not speak or interfere in any way with the Trust’s representative.
13: When the name of a player on the bench is chanted for more than 15 seconds the manager must bring him on.
14: Acknowledging its responsibility to the game the Trust will monitor the performance of the referee and where the referee’s rating falls below 70% in the first half he/she will be replaced by the Trust’s designated official for the remainder of the game.
15: Entering the Emirates Stadium can be a slow and tedious process, and we therefore feel the club should take the obvious step of having searches of supporters undertaken before they leave their homes.
16: Even worse are the crowds upon leaving the ground. We think urgent action should be taken to resolve this issue, not least by allowing Trust members out first and holding journalists back until the rest of us have left.
17: The club’s name should be changed to “I want my Arsenal back”. It is meaningless and thus fits in well with the rest of the Trust’s ambitions.
18: Anyone with over 100 followers on Twitter should be entered in a weekly draw in order to be able to make a guest appearance as a player for 15 minutes in a match.
19: We reserve the right to increase our demands at any time.
20: There is no point 20, but we reserve the right for there to be one, when it is least expected.
The Arsenal Goalkeeping Conundrum: we simply have too many of them.
Untold Arsenal Report on the End of Season supporters event 2017 and the commentary of Ivan Gazidis
If I sign up to this group I also want the right to change my mind about a player (or indeed anything) at a moments notice especially during the course of a game. Players can go from zero to hero and back again within seconds and I never want to appear to have chosen the wrong opinion. All my fellow members should also join me in shouting ‘shooooot’ every time any Arsenal players enters the opposition half with the ball.
Off the pitch I want the right to take the opposite stance. No matter what facts and statistics are presented to me to show that my views are wrong I will continue to hold them because I heard them somewhere (it might have been a pub) and they sounded convincing at the time.
Because I am a traditionalist I would like would like D.A.F.T. to have a Latin motto – maybe someone educated (Piers Morgan/David Dein?) could come up with a translation of ‘Let’s Make Arsenal Great Again’ – just like it was before Wenger arrived to ruin it all. In fact why don’t we invite Donald Trump to be our President. A born diplomat like him could be our much needed Director of Football as well.
Where do I sign?
On a more serious note and not joking around, Arsenal haven signed Kolasinac very early this summer to fill the vacuum left behind by Yaya Sanogo, Arsenal are reported in the media to be on the Verge of signing Alexandre Lacazette from Olympique Lyonnais in France. But no news on the 21 year old Thomas Lermar. A holding/attacking midfielder who Arsenal submission of a bid to sign him last week was reportedly turned down by AS Monaco, his club.
There has already been a gearing up by a large section of the Arsenal support including myself who want to see Arsenal sign this academy school football graduate called Lermar. So that we can have an incredible LACALERMAR axis in the Arsenal’s midfield play next season. But with the ongoing transfer negotiations of Lermar to Arsenal appearing to be stalling due to AS Monaco lack of showing respect for Le Prof who in the past had steered them to big success. But instead of obliging Le Prof in his request to sign Lermar, the AS Monaco’s management board has decided to hiked the selling price of Lermar to only God knows what price in their attempts to lick Arsenal dry. Thus, denying Arsenal to sign Lermar early so that he’ll be included in Arsenal summer friendlies.
After signing Kolasinac, and looking to sign Lacazette this summer window, Le Prof should not jettison his plans to sign Lermar this summer window. Because for him not to do this wilLermarnt to having an understrength midfield next season. For, as we all know, Santi Cazorla is ruled out from taking part in the first half of next season’s campaign. And Elneny is not the kind of a midfielder Gunner who Arsenal can rely on for a consistent top performances during the Arsenal’s season campaign.
Therefore, the signing of Lermar has become imperative kind of signing Le Prof MUST do this summer if he’s to complement his next season’s starting XI teams in all areas on the field of play in next season’s campaign.
Alternatively, if Monaco continue to play hard ball on Lermar’s transfer to Arsenal, and will not budge after an improved bid by Arsenal to sign him, Le Prof should leave them and move to another target of attacking holding/midfield player like Leon Goretzka of Schalke 04 who I believe could fit in into the Arsenal mobile attacking midfield play next season. We’ll know more about this Goretzka tomorrow in the Confederations Cup final match between Chile and Germany if he plays.
I ssuggest as point 20 :
When a player hears his name being sung/shouted for more then 30 seconds, he is to answer said songs/encouragements by scoring a goal within a minute.
Anyone to second that proposal ?
Get real , Chris !
Point 20 . A select and higly choice group from within DAFT known as the Direct Intervention Committee of Knowledgeable Supporters .
Their leader is known as Head . Go figure.
They are in no way related to good ole Julian , of England , West Ham and Liverpool fame , who in his time was known to be daft too !
Latin: Iterum magni faciamus navalium
Pig latin: Etlay’say Akemay Arsenalway Eatgray Againway
Swedish Chef: Let’s Meke-a Irsenel Greet Igeen
Klingon: Let’s vut nuhmey qu’ Again
The transfer window has been open for hours now and we’ve still only got one new signing… What are the club doing? We’re clearly leaving it too late once again.
DAFT til I die…
😀
Only one – you could be right. I am hoping that tomorrow we will publish a review of all the players signed by clubs so far this
Übergangszeitraum
Point 20
We expect another invincible year, only this time do it properly. All wins please.
LOL where can I sign up?
meanwhile sitting on the steps of the local sports arena the meeting of D.A.F.T takes place.
“Yo blud what’s hanging bro?”
“I think it’s time we stood up against the imperialist regime that is repressing us as men at Arsenal football club”
“Your right it’s every mans”
“And woman’s”
“Yes, it’s every man & woman’s right to be heard at Arsenal, I pay good money game after game to…”
“Sorry can I ask a question….why have you named yourself after Donald Trump, well used his initials anyway?”
Man walks up with a tray of food and drink
“Burgers, hot dogs, pizza, watered down lager, wolfs nipples”
“6 burgers, 3 hot dogs, 4 lagers and a pizza, anyone else want anything?”
“Are you the AST?
“F*** O** are we the AST ha, we’re D.A.F.T”
“Can I join you please”
“You can’t just join us you have to really hate the corrupt ruler of our club to join us”
“Oh I do”
“What really hate him”
“Yes, I hate Stan with a passion”
“We’re not talking about Stan he’s just a puppet to the real leader”
“I hate Ivan as well”
“Ha, but what about him who’s name shall not be spoken?”
“What Wenger….oh I hate him, except when we win the FA Cup”
“Well yes that goes without saying”
“And when he buys players like Ozil & Sanchez”
“Of course”
“And brings through youth players, but apart from that I hate him”
“Good you can join, we have a secret plan, direct action is needed, non of these banners, marching and airplanes anymore. We are going to sneak in to the Emirates Stadium and kidnap the tea lady and hold her to ransom until our demands are met, it’s so secret that only us, the people who watch my vlogs, read Le Grovels blog, follow us on twitter and watch D.A.F.T TV know about it”
Meanwhile across the city…..
“All I said was that when Wenger made the substitutions and Ramsey scored that perhaps Wenger should get a new contract”
“Blasphemy, stone him”
“Look no one can stone him until I say so okay, even if he does say that Wenger is one of our greatest managers and may deserve a new cont…”
(Flattened by huge rock)
Back at the D.A.F.T meeting
“So what has Wenger ever done for us”
“Won the double, went a season unbeaten in the league”
“Yes apart from that”
“Brought in some great players”
“Yes that goes without saying, but what has he done in the last 10 years”
“Won the FA Cup 3 times?”
Actually Chris’ suggestion may not be all that too preposterous , as Nicklas Bendtner once scored within coming on , but it took him almost two minutes !
http://en.espn.co.uk/football/sport/story/263501.html
I’m just not sure if those DAFTers will be that patient !
Probably that was the reason he left us ?
I also recall that once when Denis Bergkamp was to be substituted , AW let him stay on until a freekick was to be taken , and Denis promptly scored directly from it and then promptly walked off to a more than a well deserved standing ovation .
He truly was God !
Will this group be given money by the club which is then evaporates, whilst telling all and sundry that they are experts in finance (nevermind the Football, that’s an irrelevance!)?
Will this group use said money to commission an independent report into the club manager, and then have to ignore saidbreport as it informs them of data and information that they would prefer to ignore!
🙂
It’s too funny for school.
Well. At least the group as friends in high places.
The editorial rooms of the Metro and Evening Standard.
Ignoring the fanstastic reputation of these goose stepping rags that no one would ever pay money for, with friends from such loss making enterprises surely these self declared experts in finance (nevermind the: Football) are heading in the right direction (into the red). No doubt about it.
@Monty Pythons left hand -02/07/2017 at 5:15 am – Outlandish , outrageous and oh , ..awesome !
Rule 20 any DAFT members can demand any Arsenal player or manager come round their house for drinks with no notice.
This task will be made easier if we sign all the players we are currently linked to in the media.
Also appoint more than one manager maybe 10.
This article writer needs a higher profile, I suggest a seat on the board!
Monty Pythons left hand.
Brilliant.
Can I ask:
“Is this the right blog for an argument?”
I really like # 14 but let’s revise it by adding that only Walter,myself or Usama can replace the referee. At least we know the real Laws and can officiate impartially!