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Total Arsenal shambles as all 3 backup keepers are sold, leaving club desperate to sign replacements.

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Last season, every Arsenal player was tipped to be leaving the club by those people who claim to know everything, and have the inside information about a lot more, but in the end seem to know absolutely nothing.  (Isn’t that curious?) (Yes it is, I hear you reply).

Just to keep you up to date here is the latest on the Index of Outgoing Players as of 5 July.  In the morning.  Just about 8.30.  And we have 24 players leaving the club.

Perhaps the best story of the lot is that in a moment of amazing stupidity Arsenal have agreed to sell their second, third and fourth goalkeeper, (Szczesny, Ospina, Martinez) meaning the club are now scrabbling around trying to find a new goalkeeper to sign to play as backup to Cech!  I mean how stupid can you get!  Apparently we are going to sign the back up keeper from Leeds or Bolton or somewhere like that.

But then that’s the Arsenal for you.  Like I said, last season we sold everyone.  Except we didn’t.

Still I am sure this story is true because it comes from a journalist.

Arsenal: the EXIT INDEX

No Player Club Notes
 Update Alexis Man C Guardiola making £50m offer his summer priority.  Talk Sprout says it is done.  Mirror says he is finalising.  Squaka says happening now Lacazette has come.
1b Alexis Chelsea Will play out contract and go on a free to Chelsea.
1c Alexis Man U Has already agreed deal, although Mourinho is fretting at no signings which seems decidely odd.
1d Alexis Nowhere Mr Wenger has said “he is staying”
1e Alexis Real Mad  It’s always Real Mad isn’t it.
NEW Alexis No! Winterburn says he is hopeful Wenger can keep him to play alongside Lacazette.
NEW Takuma Asano Stuggart He’s staying put as there is no work permit yet.  And with UK leaving the EU there possibly never will be.
3 Krystian Bielik Birmingham City keen to extend loan for another year. Norwich keen. Also Nottm Forest.
4 Bellerin Barcelona Barce will sign him; no, he is happy to stay.  No Barce are getting him on a cut price deal (details of which are unclear).  He’s bought a house in Barcelona.
Update Bellerin Barcelona He’s put in a transfer request
5 Campbell Fenerbahce Currently in talks to sign.  No its Greece.  Easy mistake.
NEW Chambers Newcastle Or it could be Everton.  There seems some uncertainty
7 Coquelin  Valencia This story has been going on and on and on and…
NEW Debuchy ? The Express says he is certain to leave but no one can work out where he is going.  Still, these maps are pesky things.
NEW Gibbs Watford Price cut in half in a desperate attempt to move him on
Update Olivier Giroud  Marseille or Everton “He wants to play more games” was the original call, but now he wants to stay in order to win more trophies but Everton journo convinced he has inside info and it is Everton.  A coincidence?
Update Olivier Giroud West Ham They really want him as they need more pace!  But no it seems this was just pure speculation by a newspaper!  Never known that before!
11 Jenkinson Newcastle Just promoted, need players
12 Koscielny Marseille He’s just had enough of Arsenal, England, captaincy, Wenger…
NEW Martinez Valencia Part of the story that all our three reserve keepers are leaving so we are forced to buy a new one!
NEW Sean O’Connor Newcastle He’s been offered to the club
15 Ospina Fenerbahce Some are just saying “to Turkey”.
Update Oxlade Chamberlain Liverpool! They have offered £40m and made it a priority; no its Chelsea; either way the player is angry and wants to go.  Sturridge of Liverpool says it is happening, on Instagram.
17 Özil Real Mad They realise they should have kept him.  Mr Wenger says, he is staying.  Ozil says….
18 Lucas Perez PSG He’s an “outcast” according to “reports”
Update Sanogo Released  Story is the Toulouse might want to take him on
Update Santi Caz Not so much that he is going but that Arsenal must send him packing. Sadly he is still injured and not ready to play
Update Wojciech Szczesny Napoli, no Juventus Every newspaper seems to have this one.  He doesn’t want to be here.  Yes he does, the club doesn’t want him.  Confusing!
22 Nathan Tella Southampton Deal done and completed – he was released
Update Theo Walcott West Ham Ray Wilkins says he must leave to protect his career.  But now a journalist has again said re a WHU rumour it is not true, just that he is the sort of player WHU should have
NEW Chris Willock Benfica He wrote a very good farewell and thank you letter to the club and fans and left without any animosity after turning down new contract.  A perfect young gent handling things properly.

So we still have quite a few players from the first team squad not yet tipped to leave.  I suspect that everyone has been so focused on the issues surrounding Lacazette they have lost focus on this but to help the journalists and bloggetta writers here is a list of players who have not yet been tipped to leave this summer.

It does seem to me that the Commentariat is being very slow here.  I am sure that by this time last year most of the team were out.  They surely couldn’t be learning from their mistakes could they?

Hang on – a journalist learns from his/her mistakes?  No, sorry.  Doesn’t compute.

Players not yet tipped to leave

Goalkeeper
33 Petr Čech Czech Republic 20/05/1982
54 Matt Macey England 09/09/1994
Defender
5 Gabriel Paulista Brazil 26/11/1990
16 Rob Holding England 20/09/1995
4 Per Mertesacker Germany 29/09/1984
20 Shkodran Mustafi Germany 17/04/1992
18 Nacho Monreal Spain 26/02/1986
Midfielder
41 Joshua Da Silva England 23/10/1998
35 Mohamed Elneny Egypt 11/07/1992
55 Ainsley Maitland-Niles England 29/08/1997
8 Aaron Ramsey Wales 26/12/1990
31 Jeff Reine-Adélaïde France 17/01/1998
19 Santi Cazorla Spain 13/12/1984
65 Ben Sheaf England 05/02/1998
29 Granit Xhaka Switzerland 27/09/1992
Forward
17 Alex Iwobi Nigeria 03/05/1996
23 Danny Welbeck England 26/11/1990

So there we have it, 24 leaving and 17 not yet nominated.  I’ve included the date of birth and country of origin so that if you want to start your own gossip column you can fill out space saying “the 28 year old Albanian” which adds five words of truth to what is otherwise going to be 100 words of fantasy.

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10 comments to Total Arsenal shambles as all 3 backup keepers are sold, leaving club desperate to sign replacements.

  • Mark Overmoon

    I like the thought of a proportion of visitors to this article not realising the title is ironic.

  • Akporuere Victor

    Very funny. Bloggers feast on arsenal and the fans swallow the bait hook line and sinker

  • Mark Overmoon

    Do you see an increase in hits, out of curiosity?

  • Gideone

    The commentariat (plural, right? Singular should be “commenter”, no? Collective noun: “an unkindness of commenters”? Huh? Who knows these things?) continues to show their love for Tottenham. See the narrative below from a website:

    …Spurs returned to pre-season training earlier this week with no new faces just yet at Hotspur Way as Mauricio Pochettino continues to be patient in the transfer market.

    Tottenham/Poch continues to be patient. Imagine if Arsenal has done no business till date! Ha! The narrative would easily be: Arsenal/Wenger continues dither…

  • Gideone

    ..Arsenal/Wenger continues to dither…

  • OlegYch

    Gideone,
    “Arsenal have been dragging out the announcement of their club-record signing Alexandre Lacazette for days.” according to express

  • Gideone

    OlegYch @ 4:56 pm,

    I knew it ;)! And I think we can actually help ’em. Let’s just build their favourite sentence structure so that they don’t have to stress their precious little brains at all- I am working under the assumption that they do have some, emprical facts suggest otherwise though.

    Posibble sentence subjects: Arsenal/Wenger/The Arsenal Board/The Frenchmann…
    Possible modal verbs: is/are/was/has been/have been/is being…
    Possible lexical verbs: dithering/dragging out/indecisive/…
    Possible sentence objects: tranfers/contracts/announcements/

    Please help ’em 🙂 . Comentariat, food is served 😉

  • Gideone

    OlegYch @ 4:56 pm,

    I knew it ;)! And I think we can actually help ’em. Let’s just build their favourite sentence structure so that they don’t have to stress their precious little brains at all- I am working under the assumption that they do have some, emprical facts suggest otherwise though.

    Posibble sentence subjects: Arsenal/Wenger/The Arsenal Board/The Frenchmann…
    Possible modal verbs: is/are/was/has been/have been/is being…
    Possible lexical verbs: dithering/dragging out/indecisive/…
    Possible sentence objects: tranfers/contracts/announcements/

    Please help ’em 🙂 . Comentariat, food is served 😉

    Apologies for the duplicate post

  • Menace

    Don’t know what all the fuss is about – Lacazette is coming on a free. He didn’t want any money to play against the FA as it is an honour to be cheated on.