Should Arsenal sell seven players now, or buy? Summer is a-coming in.

By Sir Hardly Anyone

The figures show we need to sell or loan seven before we should be buying any more, but still the pundits urge the club ever more forward with desperate cries for more and more buys.  Indeed you know things are desperate when players are not longer spotted at the airport but are now allegedly spotted at the estate agents searching for houses.

Indeed without such journalists’ heart felt dedication to research and hard work one can only feel the transfer window would be finished in a fraction of the time it now takes.

For it seems that while clubs are quite happy to peck at the window, attracted by its shiny surface glistening in the sunlight these journalists throw themselves at it with such vigour that one wonders how the window survives without shattering into shards that could do these dishonest toilers a serious injury.

Take Albert Blizzard, reporter of that esteemed London journal affectionately known as The Buzzard.  He is one of the fine old school of football scribblers whose appearance suggests that for nigh on forty years he has not let a day pass without his six pints and whisky chasers.  With his splay feet and three chins, his curving waistcoat precedes him into both press box and barroom, like the advance guard of the next royal marriage.

I asked Blizzard of the Buzzard whether he thought Arsenal would now buy and hope to sell, or sell and wait for January to see what is needed.  He was of mixed mind.

1: Buy Thauvin

“According to reports,” he mumbled, “Florian Thauvin is being bought.  Marseille reckon he’s worth about £44.  And he’s clever: he got a cup winners’ medal without hardly kicking a ball.  And he’s better than Ozil.

2: Forget the airport

I thanked Blizzard for this and asked if he’d picked up anything at the airport.  “Only something on my shoe,” he said, before telling me that Karim Benzema has been spotted in Hampstead house-hunting with Arsenal being associated with his services for the umpteenth time.

“Is that a joke?” I asked.

“No,” he pronounced.  Arsenal Fever say that “Arsenal has become a joke” – its a banner headline on their site.  Although it has been there for quite some time.”

3.  Sell sell sell

He took another beer and chaser.  “Roma are going to buy Cech,” he said.

“Is that according to reports?” I asked.

Blizzard nodded.   “He’s also going to Chelsea.  It must be true.   I read it on Football London.”

4:  Buy

“But that won’t help us at all with the numbers,” he continued.  “We’re buying our sixth, or is that seventh, goalkeeper.  Fella called Yann Sommer.  He’s 29 and with Borussia Moch…  Borussia Monchen… Borrussia Mmmmm….”

“Borussia Monchengladbach,” I offered and he nodded before gulping some more beer.

“And he’s a Swiss international and you know what that means,” he said nodding knowingly.

I told him I didn’t and he admitted he didn’t either and had been hoping I could help him.  “But it is in the Express,” he said, and that was undeniable.

5: Sell sell sell

“Foot Lond have a good headline,” he continued fumbling with his phone.  On the device he was remarkably nimble, and when I commended him for this he said, “Godda be these days,” before reading his favourite headline of the day.

“‘Sell, I beg you – stupid to let him leave! Arsenal fans clash over €25m Alex Iwobi’.  Don’t write headlines like that any more,” he pronounced.

“But that is a headline from today,” I protested.  That is the problem.  Three twits on Twitter and people start writing ‘Arsenal fans are against… type stories,” and then they are copied and copied and run forever.

6: Buy back.

“Here’s a good one,” he countered.  “Chelsea want to get rid of Giroud and Arsenal are going to buy him back.   Football London has that.”

“That can’t be true,” I countered.

He slapped his pint on the bar.  “Of course it’s not true you little whippersnapper,” he thundered.  “Whoever said any of this was true?  It’s all fairy stories.  Besides he could go to Atletico Madrid.  I read that somewhere.  Or did I write it?  Hard to tell these days.”

“It was in Football London,” I reminded him.

“Do I write for them?” he asked, and kindly bought me a glass of Merlot, the traditional Untold drink.

7: Any more?

“Kingsley Coman for £45 million,” he said. “Transfer Tavern are running that one.”

“I’ve run that one,” I said, sipping my wine.

“Alex Iwobi is going to Lazio,” Blizzard said.  “Arsenal are buying Sommer.”

“Not again,” I countered.

“Sumer is icumen in,” he said and laughed so much he fell off his bar stool, and so there, I regret my reporting must end.  I will just finish this merlot however.

 

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