Translating the current Arsenal rumours into English while going wild.

By Sir Hardly Anyone

As appropriate to one of my name, there are hardly any rumours to report anymore.  The media is seems have given up on Arsenal and are now focused on Tottenham, where such mongering of rumours is easier given that they have signed no one as of the last time I looked.

Of course if the club has the view that things can only get better, there is no need to sign anyone, although the fact that Tottenham has only won one trophy this century (the league cup) might make one wonder if this approach has historically proven to be adequate.

If we look back to the top of the table last season Tottenham were 23 points behind the leaders – of course quite a bit better than Arsenal, although it is interesting that Tottenham with their much heralded forward line and England super star, scored exactly the same number of goals as Arsenal. 

Of course it was our defence that let us down away from home, and that’s where we are strengthening, but in attack we were as good as them.  We should be better of course, but we are aiming to improve, now having a whole season of Laca and Auba to look forward to.

But I am sure Tottenham know what thy are doing and the lack of signings is a well-thought-through strategy.  So enough them, what about the rumours circulating about Arsenal?

Rumour 1: Arsenal might pick the best keeper out of their three

The Express is telling us that “BBC reporter claims Unai Emery has sparked battle with signing” but fear not it is not a punch up in the dressing room, but a question as to who will be the number 1 keeper in the coming season.

Rumour 2: Leno is a flop and should not have been bought

It’s a bit late now of course as the younger keepers seem to have been abandoned and no Oooospina is not to be seen.   But shock horror Leno dropped the ball in a pre-season friendly and this is now officially “a worry.”

As in the headline from that glorious purveyor of gibberish, the Sun, “Worrying details have emerged about Bernd Leno after secret friendly v Brentford”.  They tell us Leno was “rumoured to have badly fumbled a ball into the box.”   So not a fumble as such, but a rumour of a fumble.

Rumour 3: Monreal has no mind of his own, Arsenal are powerless in transfer deals

Yep Real Sociedad were after Monreal, and neither the player nor Arsenal could do anything about it; everyone was powerless to stop them.  But then relief came a plenty as ” Real Sociedad have pulled out of the chase for Arsenal fullback” as the 4th Official told us.

“Arsenal Ace No Longer Chased By La Liga Side: This Is A Big Deal For Emery” was the deadline, sorry headline as the point was made that Arsenal have no say in the matter and are so enfeebled that they cannot say, “the player is not for sale”.   Also Monreal tragically had a lobotomy and thus has no mind of his own.

Rumour 4: Arsenal could shift as many as five forwards from the club before the window closes at the end of August.

Yep, like the strawberries at the bottom of the punnet Arsenal have forwards that they really can’t bring themselves to deal with.  So “Danny Welbeck seems set for an exit as well with Everton a likely destination amid rumours of a £15m deal,” bangs the cannon.

Likewise, “Joel Campbell is another who looks like he will finally be released from his circle of loan hell. Given very few chances at Arsenal, he did his best when afforded them but couldn’t win Arsene Wenger over.”

Even Lucas Perez could still be lined up for a “move away” and “youngster Stephy Mavididi is another whom the club will reportedly allow to leave if they get the right offer. Clubs from the Bundesliga are said to be interested in signing the forward.”

All of which rather ignores that transfers seem to have dried up somewhat across Europe.

Rumour 5: Arsenal fans are going wild every day

Arsenal fans go wild over…well anything you like.  “Arsenal fans go wild over Unai Emery’s BRUTAL first training session” screamed the Star who a week later rather reduced the impact of the phrase with “Arsenal news: Fans go wild as Unai Emery leads training session …”

The problem is that Arsenal fans are going wild so much (according to the presenters of such melodrama) that there must now be a worry as to their mental health…

  • “Jet in to London” – Arsenal fans go wild as Söyüncü posts Twitter pic … (Arsenal shorts)
  • “SIGN HIM UP Arsenal fans go crazy for Aleksandr Golovin (“Talk Sprout”)
  • “Arsenal fans go wild after Unai Emery confirmed”  (The Express)
  • “Arsenal fans go wild for ‘perfect Cazorla replacement’.” (Football London)

In fact there are so many of these “go wild” stories that I stopped looking when I found one that said Arsenal fans go wild over unveiling of the Bergkamp statue.  (Although thanks to the Arsenal History Society for its campaign which caused the statues to happen was noticeably missing.)

But is there really no new transfer rumour? I hear you ask.  Well, there’s one as beIN SPORTS reported Arsenal have offered £44.3m for Kinglsey Coman, who joined Bayern Munich last year from Juventus.   He’s a 22 year old France international, and he has apparently made Arsenal fans go wild.



4 Replies to “Translating the current Arsenal rumours into English while going wild.”

  1. Coman did like a post/tweet about him being targeted by Arsenal. Obviously that doesn’t mean a whole lot, but it does make you wonder why a player would ‘like’ a post about that. I know we’d have to offload a few players first (should be able to get about 40m for Welbeck, Perez, Ospina/Cech and Campbell), so I can’t help but get very, very slightly excited about that rumour. A true winger does seem like a position we need to strengthen, so it’s not too out of the realms of possibility.

  2. like the author of this article, I’ve had my fill of Arsenal bashing media articles but on the other hand, they make for funny reading.
    Transfer rumours, are just that, rumours, and they’re only written to entice people into reading them/ buying the paper. It’s all a load of sh*te really.
    The only time i actually believe a transfer story is when i see a new player in an Arsenal shirt in an official club press release, all the other stories are just something to laugh at.

  3. You have to shake your head a bit when you hear people getting worried about the result of the closed-door friendly with Brentford. A match like that is just one step up from a Reds v Whites scrimmage. It would be a perfect opportunity for the manager to see his players again, to try new tactics, and to play players in new positions. The result is unimportant right now. As for our keeper’s supposed howler…No one saw it, so how can we say anything?

  4. GoingGoingGooner……… are dead right and we’ll actually get some pretty accurate evaluations and judgements about team selection,tactics and strategies as well as a better feel for the delicate chemistry that binds all these new faces together, once the cup games start on the 26th. The rest is just meaningless BS and trial and error football that allows Unai to makes copious notes, both mental and video-based and to experiment with various positions,players and tactics he may or may not use in the coming season. Until then, Gooners need to refrain from making knee-jerk judgements and the aaa just need to refrain from breathing!

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