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November 2012
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Arsenal use sub-atomic physics to bemuse Fulham and exert strangeness and charm.

By Billy the Dog MrGraw

Bit of a mucky old week.  Dennis Bergkamp has not been attending his allotment properly in Enfield, pleading special causes in relations to Ajax, which I told him was a cleaning powder and not a football team.   I have to say Dennis’ elbow is rather sharp on the nose.

But they let me out of Southgate Hospital after a couple of hours and Mrs Dennis drove me back to the allotment where we continued our discussion as if nothing ill had occurred.

“Fill ’em up” quoth I as we reached the Toppled Bollard, watering hole of the Islington elite, but Dennis being foreign didn’t quite get the joke and I had to explain that it was a little play on words (petit jeux des mots) on Fulham.  Fulham – Fillham.  Geddit.

Oh well.

Fulham is the only football club who actually have a stand built over water.  (West Ham I know is built on a sewer, but that doesn’t count).  Fulham now has a stand which expands over the mighty Thames.

This makes Fulham slippery customers and it is almost two years to the decade that we have beaten the buggers.  They are called the Cottagers because they originally played in Kotag – a small submarine base in West Germany.    So all the expectation is for another Arsenal defeat, which takes all the pressure off Arsenal and puts it on Fill ’em.  Kieran Richardson is ill.

The ref is Andre Marriner who issues three an a half cards a game.   He had his highest bias against any club last season against Arsenal.  This was our conclusion

If we look at the competency he is one of the better refs in the PL.

And his home and away bias is there but not very bad compared to other referees.

We see a lot of teams with a very small bias score and that is good  for a ref. However a few bad games resulted in having a high bias score for and against a few teams.

So all in all one of the better referees in the PL but still with a few things we didn’t like in our reviews and hopefully things we will see not again this season.


Here is a team


Jenkinson Mertersacker Koscilenly Vermaelen

Arteta Ramsey (or the Ox)


Walcott Giroud Podolski

On the beach: Martínez, Coquelin, Oxlade Chamberlain maybe, Sagna, Chamakh, Gnabry, Arshavin, Frimpong

Now here’s the thing.  Szczsczcsczcscz played in the reserve match against WHU which we lost, so is he fit or not?  Or on the beach?  Does the ox have a hip strain.  Is Ramsey injured?  Could Sagna play?

Anyway, this is our worst start under Mr Wenger.  But Fulham have not won at Arsenal despite the fact that the Guardian rather amusing told us that won 22 of the last 26 games.  Oh what a funny little paper they are these days!

But I think the real interest is in the front line.  All three players want to play centre forward.   So I suppose they could all do it, and we could play 4-2-1-1-1-1 but actually I think the most amazing way to play would have all three of them playing in all sorts of different positions simultaneously, thus utilising the laws of sub-atomic physics.

Now I am not sure exactly how far forward you are in your sub-atomic thinking, but in essence stuff can be in two places at once in nuclear physics.  So Theo can be on the wing and centre forward at the same time.

Also in sub atomic physics everything has strange properties like strangeness (honestly) and charm and up and down and stuff like that.  Now I think Theo has Charm, but he could suddenly exert his strangeness and head for the goal while also playing on the wing.  Podolski is, according to Professor Sir Hardly Anyone at the Oxford University Centre for the Research into Stuff, a quark.  One of the biggest quarks that anyone has ever found.

Now this means that he is one of three, since Quarks go around in threes and that is why Arsenal play three forwards.  Actually a quark is also a type of cheese, but that is not what is being discussed here.

Quarks combine to form hadrons, which include Jack Proton and Francis Neutron and are always found in Bary On and his son who he calls Meson.  (God this is going to be meaningless twaddle if you didn’t do physics at university.  On the other hand it is meaningless twaddle if you did do physics at university.)

The long and the short of it is that Walcott Giroud Podolski will also appear as Giroud Podolski Walcott and Walcott  Podolski Giroud and  Giroud Podolski Walcott which is all part of the charm.

Arsenal to win 3-1.

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