Arsenal use sub-atomic physics to bemuse Fulham and exert strangeness and charm.

By Billy the Dog MrGraw

Bit of a mucky old week.  Dennis Bergkamp has not been attending his allotment properly in Enfield, pleading special causes in relations to Ajax, which I told him was a cleaning powder and not a football team.   I have to say Dennis’ elbow is rather sharp on the nose.

But they let me out of Southgate Hospital after a couple of hours and Mrs Dennis drove me back to the allotment where we continued our discussion as if nothing ill had occurred.

“Fill ’em up” quoth I as we reached the Toppled Bollard, watering hole of the Islington elite, but Dennis being foreign didn’t quite get the joke and I had to explain that it was a little play on words (petit jeux des mots) on Fulham.  Fulham – Fillham.  Geddit.

Oh well.

Fulham is the only football club who actually have a stand built over water.  (West Ham I know is built on a sewer, but that doesn’t count).  Fulham now has a stand which expands over the mighty Thames.

This makes Fulham slippery customers and it is almost two years to the decade that we have beaten the buggers.  They are called the Cottagers because they originally played in Kotag – a small submarine base in West Germany.    So all the expectation is for another Arsenal defeat, which takes all the pressure off Arsenal and puts it on Fill ’em.  Kieran Richardson is ill.

The ref is Andre Marriner who issues three an a half cards a game.   He had his highest bias against any club last season against Arsenal.  This was our conclusion

If we look at the competency he is one of the better refs in the PL.

And his home and away bias is there but not very bad compared to other referees.

We see a lot of teams with a very small bias score and that is good  for a ref. However a few bad games resulted in having a high bias score for and against a few teams.

So all in all one of the better referees in the PL but still with a few things we didn’t like in our reviews and hopefully things we will see not again this season.


Here is a team


Jenkinson Mertersacker Koscilenly Vermaelen

Arteta Ramsey (or the Ox)


Walcott Giroud Podolski

On the beach: Martínez, Coquelin, Oxlade Chamberlain maybe, Sagna, Chamakh, Gnabry, Arshavin, Frimpong

Now here’s the thing.  Szczsczcsczcscz played in the reserve match against WHU which we lost, so is he fit or not?  Or on the beach?  Does the ox have a hip strain.  Is Ramsey injured?  Could Sagna play?

Anyway, this is our worst start under Mr Wenger.  But Fulham have not won at Arsenal despite the fact that the Guardian rather amusing told us that won 22 of the last 26 games.  Oh what a funny little paper they are these days!

But I think the real interest is in the front line.  All three players want to play centre forward.   So I suppose they could all do it, and we could play 4-2-1-1-1-1 but actually I think the most amazing way to play would have all three of them playing in all sorts of different positions simultaneously, thus utilising the laws of sub-atomic physics.

Now I am not sure exactly how far forward you are in your sub-atomic thinking, but in essence stuff can be in two places at once in nuclear physics.  So Theo can be on the wing and centre forward at the same time.

Also in sub atomic physics everything has strange properties like strangeness (honestly) and charm and up and down and stuff like that.  Now I think Theo has Charm, but he could suddenly exert his strangeness and head for the goal while also playing on the wing.  Podolski is, according to Professor Sir Hardly Anyone at the Oxford University Centre for the Research into Stuff, a quark.  One of the biggest quarks that anyone has ever found.

Now this means that he is one of three, since Quarks go around in threes and that is why Arsenal play three forwards.  Actually a quark is also a type of cheese, but that is not what is being discussed here.

Quarks combine to form hadrons, which include Jack Proton and Francis Neutron and are always found in Bary On and his son who he calls Meson.  (God this is going to be meaningless twaddle if you didn’t do physics at university.  On the other hand it is meaningless twaddle if you did do physics at university.)

The long and the short of it is that Walcott Giroud Podolski will also appear as Giroud Podolski Walcott and Walcott  Podolski Giroud and  Giroud Podolski Walcott which is all part of the charm.

Arsenal to win 3-1.

The books…

The sites…

The articles….

87 Replies to “Arsenal use sub-atomic physics to bemuse Fulham and exert strangeness and charm.”

  1. Would that effect the level of ‘spin’ on the ball too? (More tenuous Quantum physics puns ahoy)

  2. Mannone, Sagna, Koscielny, Mertesacker, Vermaelen, Coquelin, Arteta, Cazorla, Walcott, Podolski, Giroud;

    Subs: Szczesny, Jenkinson, Santos, Ramsey, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Arshavin, Chamakh

    Interestingly no center backs on the bench, with three starting.

  3. AKB assholes. Will no doubt be spuing their conspiracy theories galore.

    Mananger that lost the plot, defenders that have lost the plot. players that dont give a shit. No fight, spirit. Nothing. Mid table team.

  4. This is sad
    I can’t even talk about it!
    Guys, help me!
    Please tell me something, tell me we are going to be good, every thing is gonna be OK!
    Why these players keep failing Arsene Wenger’s trust!
    This is sad!

  5. stfu u AKB. just carry on living with youer heead in the cloud and pretend everything is fine. Keep pretending everything is a conspiracy like those 9/11 nuts. Bloody AKB’s you dont support Arsenal you support the cult of wenger.

  6. Blimey! I sit down to try and listen to the game, get called out to work, Get in (I swear the football gods are protecting me today)and the whole sites got the hump.
    Amazing the affect Arsenal can have on the emotions.
    Was we that bad?

  7. Lets just keep letting His majesty Peter hillwood treating the fans like we are peasants and his minions, and that Arsenal is his club. Dont worry guys Peter hillwood will carry on along with his cronies to asset strip, sell shares fly around in private jets, get chauffer driven, have private educations for the family. All the while asset stripping the club. Golfclap to the AKB’s. Well done sirs, well done indeed.

    Why should be angry though right? I mean as long as wenger picks his £7million a year, and while he pays chamakh 50k, park 50k a week to sit on the bench we will fine. Joke of a manager, joke of players, and most of all The AKB’s are a total disgrace to the club. Take your cult North korean leader with you, and fuuck of from ym club, you total tosspots. If you want to celebrate your cult leader wenger, go anywhere but Arsenal.

  8. Yes we were that bad. Fulham tore us apart time and time again.
    Jesus christ even Fat dowd gave the AKB assholes their obligatory penalty, and guess what? even the strikers bottled taking it.

  9. Wenger fuuck of and take that cunt Ivan “wtf do you do”GAzidas, and PHW with you. Also take those cunt AKB’s with you.

  10. no no boys, they will pretend that the FFP will reduce us not the players…….lets see what deluded reasons we get about this horror show……the will to win is lost……and as long as we have 4th place, all is honky dory…..remember what AW said, we will attract world class players if we finish 4th. for Arsenal 4th is the new 1st…………bloody loosers!

  11. We are severely lacking quality, defensively far from sound. It’s worrying in the last 3 seasons we haven’t been able to defend, is there nothing they’ve learned. We are even further from the top boys this season.

  12. Good game.

    Not a bad point but we should’ve won the game with a last minute pen. Fulham have a decent side that’s capable of scoring against anyone in this league.

    Its always very difficult to achieve the level of performance needed to beat EPL teams after a tough mid-week CL match in Europe.

  13. agree Tasos, though the 10 year old spuds on here at the moment might not!
    We have players coming back and will be just fine. Tommy a bit of a worry but he will get through it

  14. BTW Can’t believe big Phil awarded us a last minute penalty.

    I expect he’ll get relegated to Div 2 next weekend for that.


  15. I’m not sure we’ll be just fine. That’s complacent. We had a 2-0 lead and blew it. The defence looks as suspect as last year.

  16. different faces in defense but the same problem. Other teams spend less than us but are better prepared in defense. More and more supporters are not keeping faith with Wenger or the board. Even with Bould we can’t defend, from being 2nil up we walk away with a point we rescued. This is poor, if we care about this club then we must stop this unwelcome rot.

  17. lmho – gats your nonsense has actually put a smile on my face. id say grow up but have seen plenty adults behave the same. its not your fault though so i hold no grudge. just get well soon

    i think jan will be the most interesting in a while.

  18. Reviewing the game in quantum terms I think it is fair to say the following:

    The critical phenomena were eclipsed and Fulham just fielded too many fermions.

    Now, as we all know, second quantization indexes the field by enumerating the single-particle quantum states. However, as the article pointed out, before the game, it is more natural to think about the team as a set of degrees of freedom indexed by position.

    Therefore, by applying the Fourier transform to the creation and annihilation operators for the Arsenal defenders, we can see that their states were neither negative nor positive, both at the same time. This is, obviously, difficult to manage.

    This can all be summarised as: we got a draw – get over it.

  19. @ gats,

    thanks for giving me a great avenue for my anger at the moment. if we continue to play this poorly the likes of you and your ilk might give up, stop supporting and most importantly GO AWAY. and that for me would be a very very POSITIVE thing to come out of all this….


  20. @ Adam, saw a bit on a dodgy stream, the rest I heard on the radio.

    I can’t afford to go to Arsenal now we have a big mortgage to pay off.

    Also I don’t really want to give those shysters at Arsenal any money until I see it invested in the team and not thrust into Gazidis’ open hands.

    You can only fool people for so long.

  21. @Rupert

    “You can only fool people for so long”

    Maybe you should practice what you preach.

  22. Rupert I was hoping for an objective view on our performance.
    Got the game on record (sky game of the day) looking forward to a 6 goal thriller, Just wish I had avoided the result.
    Anyway just noticed I missed Villa getting a second against Man Utd. Come on the Villa 2-0.

  23. Matt Clarke
    Couldn’t have said it better myself lol. Lets be honest, we’re not going to win the league this season, ths team are having difficulty gelling for whatever reason. I’m confident AW will sort it, he needs to bloody quickly there’s no doubt about that. Big game next weekend, we need to really tighten up at the back, hopefully Gibbs will be back because Tommy needs a break, it’s just not happening for him at the moment. Fantastic to see Giroud get a brace, he’s really growing in stature and looks to be filling a certain judas’ boots. Hope the knock to Theo is enough for him to miss midweek but be fit for Spurs. With Jack back, Arteta rested, the Ox back, I’m feeling confident about the weekend. There will be loads of boo boys on here tonight, there always are when we don’t do as expected, but we could of won it at the death and there’s no shame in a draw against a talented, well organised Fulham side, especially in our current form.

    It’s a long season, still plenty to play for, cups to compete for and lots of ups and downs to come. Supporting any football team isn’t all roses, be pretty boring if it was.

    Come in Arsenal!!!

  24. What I saw was a very tepid performance from both teams, I mean a lot of neat passing but rather ineffective. But I got a poor view on the stream I watched, when it wasn’t freezing up.

  25. It was a great game to watch, much more exciting than the strange ghost-like game with Man U. Again I felt we were missing Song rather than VP, or a player similar to Song, its a real shame that Diaby is injured so often.
    I also felt sorry for Arteta, I’m not sure that Wenger and the team getting the best out of him in the role he has at the moment.I wouldn’t have wanted to have taken the penalty at the end, and I was concerned( and thought he might miss it)that he stepped up to take it, perhaps Giroud might have been a better idea. But looking in hindsight is easy.
    I also sometimes thought that late on in the game the BFG should have played the long ball rather than moving up through the midfield, this is a team than can take more risks and score rather than trying to walk the ball in the back of the net.
    For all of the boring media muck that has now to be waded through ( yawn yawn stating the obvious as always etc), I still think its a great team we have, and its a team that are really capable of doing something.
    If the game hadn’t have had the penalty drama at the end I think it might not have been so irritating.
    Great goals by Giroud, hes quick and exciting, lets hope he gets better and better, I hope Der Prinz keeps his head up too at least he was more present today.
    Come on Citeh and take the sting out of the weekend…
    Has anyone seen Quiggan?

  26. @Rupert, maybe it is time to introduce Eisfeld in to the first team on a more regular basis? Look forward to Rosicky being back.

  27. I should have never commented when I was that angry!
    I love this team and Arsene Wenger and can’t do anything about it!
    So let me not to be some one like Samir Na$ri and that fucking traitor captain, questioning my own be loved club!
    Don’t care about annoying comments any more! Arsenal forever!

  28. Gats, are you thick? Your moaning about so called AKB and saying phw is the problem. Not sure how you relate the 2 in the same insult. What further evidence do we need that your type only want anything to moan about and are not fans of Arsenal but the trophies available.

  29. Yes We need more quality….
    Defence: Sagna, Verm, KOs, Mert, Gibbs, Jenk….NOT ENOUGH QUALITY!
    Midfield: Amazing Atreta (EVEN IF HE BLEW IT TODAY, HE WAS ALWAYS GREAT), Wilshere, Cazorla, Diaby, Rosicky, LE COq,The OX, Ramsey (THE one to be blamed for ecerything just for no reason, even if he plays good they say he is s**t)…..Still not enough quality
    Attack : Giroud, Podolski, Walcott, Girvenho, Chamack.. Still not good enough…
    People, be rational Yes we need quality, we need quality fans that scares the hell of the other team in our homke game just like what Mancheester fans made with us when RVP scored that goal in tradford…. We need quality referee to help us just like he do for united, or maybe some goddamned luck to get us through and then we may lose title to city by goal difference…..

    YEs Arsenal are not EPL title contenders this year for sure, will the team is still trying to gel together.. Arteta, Welshere, Cazorla, Podolski, and Giroud never played together before this season…the fans should help them get together and maybe then we ca get any other title including the champions league…. just believe and be patient, we are the arsenal and we have Arsene

  30. KampalaGun are you serious mate? I didn’t watch the game but my mate did and apparently the Mancs should have had 5 men sent off, 7 penalties against them all three of their goals were offside. Oh, and the ref played about 10 minutes of Fergie time to help the Mancs score (even though they were already winning.) Mate, if the refs in this country weren’t in Lord Ferguson’s pocket we’d be sitting 15 points clear at the top of the league and the Mancs would be in the relegation zone. FACT.

    Oh and one more thing, it just HAD to be Berbatov who shafted us today didn’t it? A former Spud and a former Manc. You couldn’t make it up. My old man was in tears when he scored that penalty. I hope Phil Dowd is happy with his 30 pieces of silver. Fuming I am. 😡

  31. The defence isn’t doing too bad if you consider we are in 7th and only two teams above us have conceded less (just) than us.

    To me, the issue is regarding the team still needing to gel. Nothing you, I or anyone can do about that, only time can help

  32. Stuart man too much pressure on the players too much pressure, from the media from the fans from everybody, that is why we shake at sometimes which leads conceding.
    If you look at the we played today it was very good, just couple of times when we feel the danger we just panic..
    Even Arteta was amazing today he was fantastic, only if he didn`t make that mistake and wasted that penalty…please fans any pressure on this player and then we are doomed..

  33. @Yassin
    You are right
    To much pressure on team, is destroying their nerves
    But I have seen some thing new and good about us, changing a bit on tactics!
    Now we are trying to use Oliver in right manner, by sending him long balls

    I was watching the game and just noticed the gap between their midfield and defense, which time to time appeared, as they tried to close the flanks and stop us sending ball for Giroud, we could use that space for long range shots by Arteta, Prince, and Santi, even Alex-Ox could shoot from there.

    The lack of that gelling you guys said was just the missing part to get us there faster than their defense to reach and stop us from distance shots
    And I also believe that, Mr Wenger could have change Santi on 75min or so by Arshavin, we needed some one with pace, ambition and strength to come in and push the things more down the middle, instead of the sides of the pitch. We needed some one to fight for the balls in their ground,

    I think a change between Santi and Arshavin could bring us winning

  34. @ Persian gunner
    Man wished for the same thing, to change arshavin with cazorla, definitly right.
    I wished also for Wenger to take cazorla in the last minutes, specially when the corners came along and to put on Chamack, this would have distorted their already distroted midfield, but still Wenger will have then to lose position and never gain it again thus with less oppurtinities, so that could missfire, can`t believe how can he take all that pressure on his age…RESPECT!

  35. Good shift from Coquelin today! He seemed a bit more fluid in his positioning and made a couple plays with his passing.

    Meanwhile, I’m sure Szcz was on the bench thinking “If they needed someone to let in three goals, I could have done it easy!” I guess at least there won’t be a controversy about whether he gets to start again once fit.

  36. Just watched Match of the Day. Very annoying punditry. As usual.
    So it’s a pleasure to come to the Untold debate and see the usual balanced analysis, positive comments and cool heads.
    Thanks Untolders.

  37. Rusty, watching Mannone’s feeble attempts to stop those three Fulham goals today, a sinister thought crept into my mind; it makes me sick to my stomach to even say this but… what if he’s on Old Rednose’s payroll too? 🙁

  38. Pat:

    Did MOTD edit the match with blatant lies so that it showed we only drew 3-3.

    Then you came to that safe & comfy place called Untold & everything seemed balanced that we dominated, even though cheated by the ref but the truth shone out & of course we won 4-3 !

  39. Doublegooner, spot on. MOTD is so anti-Arsenal it’s beyond a joke. Look at who their pundit was tonight: Martin Keown! Need I say any more? The man hates Arsenal with a passion.

  40. Just came home after being 23 hours awake after my visit to the emirates.
    Seen a few not that good things, seen a few good things, seen a few hopeful things.
    Biggest disappointment is we didn’t won the game.
    But will write a full report later on of course. But now off to bed…yawn…

  41. @Fred and Gats, what delirious posts. You two may come from opposite ends of the spectrum but you’re equally as ridiculous as each other.

    We wouldn’t be sitting 15 points clear of anyone Fred. You seem to forget that we’re chasing the dust of Chelsea, City, Everton and WBA as well as Manu. You can’t blame refs for tepid performances against Sunderland, Norwich and Manu. We even laboured to beat the mighty QPR.

    And Fred, I think Doublegooner was being sarcastic.

    One of the only positives was the fact that Giroud is beginning to come good. I don’t think he’s the new RVP though.

    bjtgooner wondered what I’d do if I was manager. He decided I’d bore the team to death. Maybe so but I’d go out and get the following:

    A world class gk. Haven’t had one since Lehman.

    A world class lb.

    Two world class midfielders who are not injury prone.

    And a world class striker.

    It’s time to use that huge cash surplus in January.

  42. giroud has shown that when given ample opportunities he will not dissapoint. 3 goals in two matches is a good sign that he is atlast finding his feet ( or rather his head). I think if we can be super effective on the forward then we can compensate for the abysmsl performanceof our defenders, as MANUre has done. we have a great midfield, but we needto exploit it ro the maximim.

  43. I see the xenophobic double talking Doublegooner has left the security of his normal abode – Le Groan – to deposit his contribution of bile here.

    @rupert (depressive sewer rat with acne but not a lisp)

    Your efforts to justify Doublegooner’s bile by attributing the wonder of sarcasm illustrates once again your shallow character.

  44. bjtgooner:

    In your silly little mind anyone who worries and constantly questions that this once great club is slipping so quickly is either an ‘AAA’ or xenophobic.

    I supposed you call me that because I keep stating that your ‘great leader’ is no more.

    You behave like a silly little boy calling Rupert silly names.

    Grow up.

  45. @Doublegooner

    I see you have left the den of iniquity early this morning – perhaps then you would be so good as to explain your earlier comments: –

    “Doublegooner October 29, 2012 10:50:13

    Most believe on here Wenger is a busted flush on the pitch & off, due to the fact he’s allied to Stan & the puppet.

    If we get done at OT and then at home against the spuds, these really could turn out to be major moments. There are a number of ‘high rollers’ who are very angry.

    If Stan, The Puppet & our pig ignorant Chairman think there’s a few rebels, they could be in for a big shock in the coming weeks & months.”

    So – double talking Doublegooner would you care to share with us what you are really up to and identify the ‘high rollers’?

    I hope you are not involved in subversion against the club.

    Oh – so you don’t like me taking the piss out of depressive rupert – but it is Ok for you to call a board member a puppet and the chairman a pig? What a twisted double talker you are.

  46. I would imagine you fully support Gazidas in his role purely because he is part of the club & you cannot, will say anything bad or critical. I think it is pretty obvious why I’ve called him a puppet.

    Chairman Hill Wood made disgusting & disrespectful comments towards shareholders. He has also made derogatory comments towards fans.

    I retract the word ‘pig’ & instead replace it with our Ignoramus Chairman.

    This, the man who told the world ‘he didn’t want your sort’ then sold his shares to him.

    Would you like me to name some of the high rollers so you can write to them & call them ‘ sewer rats, AAA’s’ ?

    Perhaps you could stand outside their business & hold banners teling them they’re not fit to be called Arsenal fans. Maybe you could form a new group LAA. ‘Leave Arsene Alone’.

    There is something seriously wrong with the club yet it appears you just cannot see it.

  47. @Doublegooner

    Thank you for confirming that there are indeed ‘high rollers’ with whom you are conspiring.

    Part of what is wrong with Arsenal is the antics of idiots like you who set out to cause division and chaos – for reasons undeclared but not beyond reasonable deduction.

    You are a total disgrace as a fan and probably as a person.


    Good link, maybe the author was sitting close to you know who!

  48. Cheers Shard, or is it because they are all very fat and they roll down hill, much like a certain Uzbek?
    All jokes aside, what do you mean specifically by ‘high rollers’?

  49. Stuart

    High rollers refers to the ones who are not afraid to roll the dice at a gambling table, even with high stakes. It implies them being super rich (and perhaps carries an implication of them being arrogant and uncaring towards the rest of the world).

    I assume you were asking me what it meant, since I didn’t use the term originally.

  50. P.S. Being fat may not be far from the high roller term because the rich are also referred to as ‘fat cats’ 🙂

  51. Thanks for clearing that up Shard, would be nice if Doublegooner could enlighten me with what he meant specifically to help me understand his comment and context.

  52. Just seen Sundays matches.Chelsea,Liverpool and Man city all conceded goals from corners.Will the media go on about that as much as they do with our defending!No way.some positives regarding the Fulham match,but we need Gibbs back big time.I would buy a left back in January.He is too injury prone.Any news on Rosicky or Diaby.Dont be silly.
    Nice of M.O.D. to mention Giroud two quality goals, instead of the lazy ex spud.

  53. Mahdain thanks for the link.
    Cheered me up after all the moaning.
    Doublegooner, I mean the way Match of the Day focused exclusively on Arsenal’s mistakes on a day when we also scored three goals.
    Disappointed in Martin Keown for doing it.

  54. Pat, when the Arsenal throw away a 2 goal lead and end up drawing 3-3 at home to a mid-table side who we really should be beating, the story is never going to be “wonderful Gunners slam home three fantastic goals in riveting draw” is it? Get your head out of the sand, pal.

  55. You’re right about Keown though. He’s in on the anti-Arsenal, pro-Man U media conspiracy for sure. Makes me sick. 😡

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