The five aliens who have taken over football

1.  The Murdoch Corporation

“What’s the big news today boys?”

“Peter Crouch is actually dead, has rigor mortis and is wheeled about on a trolly”

“No done that”

“Berbatov lives on the moon with Elvis Presley’s uncle”

“No done that”

“Arsenal need to sell two players a year to pay the mortgage”

“Nice one – no one’s ever done that.  No one will believe it, but still, it will get a laugh.”

2.  BarBarBarcelona

“Help they are all voting against me.  They all hate me.  What can I do?”

“Tell them you are going to buy some big players for billions of euros, El Presidente”

“But I told them that last year and we bought Terry Henry and he spent all year being injured.”

“Supporters have short memories, El Presidente.  Say it again.”

“And do we have to buy the players?”

“Yes, but the next El Presidente can sell them on again quite quickly for a huge loss.”

3.  Real Mad

“Ronaldodo should be honoured.  Manchester bankrupt should be honoured.  It is not everyday that Real Mad comes along and offers to buy a player from you.   Was-the-matter with you English?  You no understanding football?”

“Sir Alex F-Word is on holiday.”

“Well get him back here.  How am I supposed to upset BarBarBarca if I can’t have my supporting cast on hand?”

4.  Manchester Bankrupt

“Look Mr ManYu Finance Man, I am your bank manager, and I am telling you that you have no money.  You did not even pay last year’s interest on the loans you already have, which means your loans are now bigger than ever and your income is static.”

“But the boss says he needs to buy two new players.”

“Well, why can’t he get them at 16 when they are cheap and develop them year by year like that awfully nice Mr Wenger does?  He never asks for more money.”

“Quiet – we need another £30 million and we need it now.”

“And if I don’t give it to you….”

“We’ll go bankrupt.”

“But you are bankrupt.”

“Proves my point.”

6.  FIFA

“Players are slaves.  They are bought and sold like slaves.  They need the freedom to move.  Where is the EU when you need it?  Why don’t they step in and make sure these players have freedom of contract?  The EU is treating them as second class citizens.  And while they are sorting that, we need need to stop all this freedom of movement the players have around the EU, women need shorter shorts, and if anyone ever reports that court case in which the judge described FIFA as being a bunch of liars again, I will personally smash their faces in.”