By Sir Hardly Anyone
Can you imagine the mind of the journalist whose job it is to invent football transfer rumours and pretend then that he is reporting reality. He must delve into his subconscious hour after hour to make up this goo, and believe me the subconscious of a journalist is not the place you would like to visit.
It is dark, hidden away, a place given over to taunting, deriding and increasing the misery of the football fan who is already miserable because none of the previous transfer rumours that the journalist wrote about so certainly and with such clarity of purpose, has come true.
Most people, as they progress through their teens learn to a certain degree not to deny that it was they who dropped the plate of soup on the new carpet in the sitting room when six separate adults watched them do it. But such development does not happen to the football journalist, for she or he is stuck forever in a world of fantasy and denial which if they are lucky they might actually grow out of upon retirement in their 70s.
And so they lurk around at night – for ask yourself, have you ever seen a football journalist in the daytime, happily strolling down the street? Of course not. They come out after dark, sneaking off to the pub, up to no good.
Thus I find myself starting today with a story that denies a story – a typical football journalist ploy when he or she or it is found out.
1: It was all a lie
“Insider claims Arsenal were never close to deal to sign Man United star” shouts Sports Review as it finds out that “Belgian reporter Kristof Terreur claims Arsenal were never close to a deal to sign Man United star Marouane Fellaini.”
And there we have the post-modern approach to journalism. Make it up, tell people it is so, and then tell the same people it was all a lie but made up by someone else.
2: We’re not selling Bellerin this summer
England is not only suffering its hottest summer since the last one, but is now having its first ever summer in which Arsenal are not selling Bellerin.
Nope, we are not. For we are selling Nacho Monreal – and this because we are buying Junior Firpo, according to Pain in the Aresenal.
He is the 21 year old left back of Real Betis. According to the report he is a Dominican – not sure if that is his religion or his place of birth. And he has a release clause of about £22m and he has played over 1100 minutes for Real Betis – that is about three quarters of a day. He might be a bit tired by now.
3: Don’t pay won’t pay take him away
Wage demands could see Arsenal end interest in signing Max Meyer. That is in Sports Lens and also in the Star. Mind you as he is an attacking midfielder who can play as a deep-lying playmaker with Schalke 04 I don’t think we ever were going to sign him, since we already have more midfielders than you can shake a stick at, should you ever so wish to do.
4: Now who is wagging the dog?
Foot Lond, the strange website that publishes 40 Arsenal stories a day, and which is owned by the Daily Mirror seems to be breaking ranks with its master, as these headlines show…
“Lucas Torreira or Sokratis Papastathopoulos to become Arsenal’s third summer signing shortly.” That is in
“Lucas Torreira to join Arsenal ‘next week in £25million deal’ from Sampdoria.” That from the
Is next week, shortly? I recall reading he was signing at once, once before. Then it went back to 1 July. But no, not yet. Foot Lond of course have much more in their 40 a day habit including, “‘Reminds me of Kante!’ – Arsenal fans go nuts over Lucas Torreira’s masterclass against Portugal.”
Mind you Sport 360 is a bit further behind telling us “Arsenal are chasing Uruguay’s World Cup star, the Daily Mail reports.” Err, yes guys, I think it has been in every other paper too. But they press on with, “Torreira, who plies his trade with Sampdoria in Serie A, is the subject of a £25 million raid from the Gunners.”
There are other tales too. Like “BBC reporter: Arsenal will complete next signing after World Cup. David Ornstein gives the latest news on Arsenal’s reported pursuit of Uruguay midfielder Lucas Torreira” Wow, a little behind the times methinks. That is from Sports review.
And I think that drainpipe (sorry outlet) is having a few problems because also this morning they are running “Arsenal are still in talks to extend Aaron Ramsey’s contract, says reporter David Ornstein.” I think we knew that too.
5: It’s son of son
You remember the rumour about Arsenal singing Son well it is back again in Sport360 with “Son Heung-min headlines our Rumour Mill as Man United and Arsenal chase Tottenham star.” I doubt it.
6: Cech not leaving
Firstpost now has this story… “Premier League: Arsenal goalkeeper Petr Cech turns down offer from Napoli, says his future is at London club.”
On this matter the Express says that “while Cech has admitted there has been interest in him, he wants to stay at the Gunners. ‘Napoli were interested in me, but my future is at Arsenal and I do not think about changing clubs,’ Cech said. ‘I still have a year of my contract with Arsenal, the only thing I want to think about is fighting for a starting position’.”
7: Marcelo Flores
A new name! “Arsenal are reportedly in talks to sign Ipswich wonder kid Marcelo Flores this summer, beating the likes of Chelsea and Liverpool.” That is from the Express. The Mirror goes with “Arsenal eye Mexican wonder kid Marcelo Flores with Ipswich talent.”
8: Advice beefed up
“Forget it Emery – Arsenal would be better off without signing this pin-point crosser from Real Madrid…”
And they tell us “it looks like Vazquez could be the next to arrive at the Emirates stadium. Now, there have been reports suggesting that Aaron Ramsey could be on his way to Lazio this summer.” So they prefer Ramsey.
9: Kelechi Nwakali
He’s not played for the first team of course but he keeps getting talked up and he is now going to Porto on loan. This comes from Sports Nigeria where he is quoted as saying, “I am excited to join the best club in Portugal and I will make my loan from Arsenal count. I have longed to play in a competitive league which this opportunity has given me and I will grab it with both hands.”
10 : Calum Chambers. Express behind the times?
“Seemingly firmly down the pecking order, Chambers needs to look for a move away if he is still to have a career at the top level. The young defender only managed 12 games in the league for Arsenal last season and indeed, played his highest amount of league games (23) during his loan spell at Middlesbrough.
“At 23, it’s crucial that he gets consistent game time and if he could target a move to a club like Bournemouth or Fulham, there’s still a strong possibility that he could fulfil the talent that everyone saw when he was at Southampton.”
And that’s about it. Ten more tittles and tattles. And you never know. There may be more anon.
- When a newspaper spends time commentating on TV punditry you know you’re being manipulated
- The strange tale of Dragomir and Fortune’s departure. What are we not being told?
- England v Columbia: how to work out what the score is likely to be
Ah yes, now I remember why I hate the dry season .
Roll on August .
We are never going to sell our Nacho – a contract extension would be more like.
Agreed, Sir H., the general standard of transfer rumours this summer is truly appalling.
I’m not inclined to worry about the transfer rumours, the leaks have been addressed clearly, something a football mans shake-up of the backroom would certainly bring. Elneny of course, then we have the small mattr of incredibly versatile creative players, dissimilar to the ones we have.
One has a reasonable price tag and jut got a positve return on rates for his performance as the hosts knocked out Spain on Penalties. I did say don’t count out those Russians.
So with Uraguay continuing their 100% record CR7 will have to come back on the touchline to see a World Cup win. As Egntina stepped a foot too far inbto the breach and Messi was yet again nowhere to be seen as Kylian, not only knew his name, but delivered a pair of knockout punches, having already set the whole tie up with a well aimed, jab to the eye in the form of a penalty, converted by that other talent who recently decided he’d rather stay on at Athletico, with his sister picking up a helathy return for her part in lengthening the stay of her talented brother.
4 games to play and Croatia are being held by the Danes.
Nothing t see here, move along.
OH and this was pretty funny as an article, a little tweaking of rhetoric goes a long way.