How will the final league table look? Our laptop computer reports

 

 

Who will win the Premier League?

• If Arsenal go on like this, what will the final table look like?
• Only a handful of teams can win the league: but nothing has changed.

By Bulldog Drummond

You may have seen our disparaging remarks about Super Computers and how every newspaper in London has claimed to have one, or at least have access to one  (something that would instantly make the newspaper insolvent, even if it were possible).  So no, not only do we not have a supercomputer, what makes us different from the media at large is we don’t even claim to have one.

No, while those perfidious larkabouts in the mass media claim access to billions of pounds worth of processing power, we have an “ordinateur ordinaire”.  (Quite why we have chosen to put those words in French is something that will not become clear at this time, although it rather amused us as a translation of a non-super computer.)

So we have plugged the laptop in, paid the electricity bill, and turned it on, programming in (well typing in) the league table as it stands…

 

 

 

At this point, in order to get some free publicity some bookies will start paying out on a Manchester City title, and there will be much talk of Arsenal “bottling it” and London clubs not being able to win the league because there is too much soot in the atmosphere and the West End is too distracting for players who are softies.

Now we come to May 2023.  Arsenal have four games left.  By this time we think Newcastle’s five match wobble of February / March will be long forgotten, Tottenham will have slid down the table and as a result Newcastle will be fighting it out with Manchester United for third place.  So we go for a draw in that away game, but tyhink Arsenal will win the rest thus getting 10 more points.

 

As for Manchester City they now have two Champions League semi-finals.  We see them getting knocked out at that point, and amazingly failing to beat Everton in between as well as drawing with Chelsea in the aftermath of not making the final.

 

All of which means that Manchester City don’t go into the Champions League final and also miss out on the league by two points.

 

Pos	Team	P	W	D	L	Pts
1	Arsenal	38	29	5	4	92
2	Manchester City	38	28	6	4	90

 

The four qualifers for the Champions League are thus Arsenal, Manchester City, Manchester United and Newcastle United.  We think Liverpool and Brighton will make it into the Europa, based on the recent form of the teams around them, and Tottenham might just make it once again into the mighty Conference.  Uefa will immediately tell the club that just as last time, if they don’t want to play all the games that’s ok, and no punishment will be meted out.