By Sir Hardly Anyone. Our man with a spot.
Delighted to bring you the very latest commentary from the on line coverage of Arsenal against
Hello and welcome to live text commentary of this friendly in Dublin between Arsenal and Real Betis.
It was meant to kick off at 19:30 but then there was some traffic so it got knocked back 15 minutes Locals said, “We have never known there to be actual traffic in Dublin before – especially when there is a football match on. Normally mosts fans arrive by parachute so this has taken us all by surprise. We called out the fire briagade bu they didn’t seem to have a clue, so we jusst have to wait and see what happens.
Now we have a team, but if it is the team or another team we can’t quite say
Kepa;
White, Mosquera, Hincapie, Calafiori,
Lewis-Skelly, Havertz, Nwaneri,
Dowman, Tzolis, Gyokeres.
Now, following the discovery of completely unexpected traffic in a street outside a football ground in which a Premier League club is playing, there is total chaos. “We have never seen traffic in a street before” said a local traffic person, and lots of people stopped to look
“I am glad you have seen this,” said The Person, pointing at the traffic, “for this is what we have to put up with in Dublin. I mean what is the point of building a street and then letting cars run all over it. It is a bit like building a football stadium and then inviting all the fans along at the same time, instead of having them attend at different times in the day so the crowds could be properly handled. It is beyond me.”
And indeed it seems to be beyond the local authorities as well.. As soon as we have more news, we will be back. Or not as the case may be..
But in the meanwhile, perhaps I should tell you that football has existed in Ireland for a while I thought you would like to know.
Apparently the delay in the start of the game has been caused by people wanting to enter the ground. Local officials have expressed considerable surprise and concern at this development, which was utterly unexpected. “I mean the game isn’t supposed to start for another two minutes,” said our man in a spot, “and there are people in the ground already.”
It seems that a number of the players have now settled down to play cards in the changing room and there is some debate as to whether or not the game will go ahead dat all. “It hardly seems worth it,” said one of the Irish team, “I mean we normally play before the game and after the game, so why bother with the game?”.
Now it seems that the Arsenal line-up is set ready to score goals, and apparently the Irish team have objected to this. The referee has ordered a pint of Guinness and is sitting by a hole and looking into it. Max Dowman has thanked the Irish for the delay commenting that it was justs like playing for the under 16s.
The media have been given a handout to keep them awake between pints of Guinness, and it says, “Kai Havertz, Ethan Nwaneri, Max Dowman, Christos Tzolis and Viktor Gyokeres all start.” However, there is no information on when they will finish.
The football correspondent of the BBC is now copying Untold and putting up comments to pass the time of day. His latest is, “It is bizarre to hear ‘North London Forever’ ringing out in south Dublin.” So we will try and help him out. You see, Arsenal come from North London and the supporters don’t change clubs so, we sing “North London Forever” before each match.
But talking of bizarranities having a reporter at an Arsenal game who doesn’t know about the traditions of the club’s supporters in singing this song before each match no matter where the match takes place, is a really weird thing. I mean, did they just ask the local milkman to go along and “write a few words”?
He also says the Arsenal fans are in good voice, but what else would he expect? We haven’t had a match in weeks, and when we get one they can’t even start it on time!
And then, despite the fact that we were told the game was being delayed because the crowd hadn’t got in, it wasn’t and so the cheating opposition got the ball and scored while Arsenal thought it wasn’t going yet. 0-1 to the cheating hounds. Arsenal are complaining that they didn’t know the game was actually on. Quite clearly both teams are now playing for a draw.
Max got the ball from the opposition keeper but was too surprised to kick it into the net. Hmmmm. The key debate is still whether a reporter who thinks it is odd to hear North London Forever at an away match should be permitted to continue reporting. The general consensus is most certainly not.
Real Bets have scored a second goal, and Arsenal have 17 subs on their bench. This has raised questions as to how many players Arsenal have on the pitch. Going out with just 8 outfield players seems to give the opposition too much of an extra chance. If it carries on like this I am giving up this reporting malarky.
But Arsenal have got one back; it is 2-1 and the scorer is Hincapié just after the half hour.
Arsenal’s entire bench of 25 or more subs all go for a warm-up at the same time. Real Betis look a bit frightened and have started kicking out. Meanwhile, PSG are losing to Mallorca and Betis have just got a third. I don’t think it is my job to cover a match like this, so at half-time I think I might give up. I wasn’t too sure about playing a home match in a foreign country anyway.
There is a well-established theory in football that teams that lose their pre-season games go on to win the league, so there we are. The Premier League is ours, and there is no need to put ourselves through any more of this. Farewell..
