Untold Exclusive. The transfer deals to end all transfer deals, as it unfolded this morning

By   M. Adeup en T. Ruth, an exclusive view from our undercover reporters in the serious media. Including secretly taken pictures, illegal activities, swearing, and a lot of shouting.

Location: The sports news room, the Daily Stuff.

8.00am : The regular reporters shuffle in the meeting room.

8.05am : After everybody has downed their traditional two pints the editor in chief asks for a day full of transfers. On the question from a junior reporter of what to do if there are no transfers the experienced reporters look on with eyes wide shut.  A trap door opens and the junior disappears into the sewer over which the newspaper office is built.  The trap door shuts.  A new junior is ushered in from the crowd waiting in the foyer.  He looks around.  “I’ve always wanted to report the news,” he says.  The old hacks cover their faces in despair and sorrow.  An email of apology is sent in advance to the young lad’s mother.

8.06am: The editor stubs out his fag on the new junior’s neck, tells the hacks to stop drinking, stumbles into his office and shouts that phone tapping is not illegal and the staff should get on with it now.

The reporters go back to work

8.10am : Bent goes to Arsenal says a source.

8.11am:  The manager of Barton asks for  some publicity to sell his player

8.12am: “give me more transfer news you lazy worthless ******* people”,  shouts the chief editor incoherently from within his inner sanctum.  (Translations supplied by Makeitup & Runne).

8.13am: a great transfer carousel construction: Clichy goes to Liverpool, Baines goes to Arsenal, A. Cole goes to Everton and Chelsea spend an enormous amount of money on Roberto Carlos to play another season. This comes from the desk of the new junior reporter who is a fast learner. The chief editor looks over his shoulder and nods.

8.14am : Larson goes to Arsenal

8.15am : Larson goes to Aston Villa together with McLeish.

8.16am : Larson goes to Tottenham

8.17am : Larson goes to Wigan

8.18am : Larson receives death warnings from Villa fans together with McLeish.  McLeish says Rangers is a bigger club than Villa.  The editor rejects the story on the basis that no one could be that stupid.

8.19am : Larson goes to the toilet

8.20am : Larson goes to the couch but the junior, who has not learned much about computers yet, writes “Crouch”.  No one notices.

8.21am : Larson goes to Malaga

8.22am : Checking with tour operators across the UK the junior finds that this is his holiday destination in fact.  Editor rejects story unless holiday company give him a free trip to the Bahamas next week.

8.23am : Larson goes nowhere as his plane is delayed

8.24am : the chief editor wants a Barton story after a phone call from an agent with talk of a suitable reward if the story runs.

8.25am : Barton goes to Arsenal

8.30am : Barton goes to Real Madrid

8.26am : Barton goes to Barcelona

8.27am : Barton goes to jail

8.28am : Barton goes nowhere

8.29am : the chief editor wants more stories and more coffee – preferably with some cognac “like they have in France”.

8.30am : “Bend it a bit” he shouts from his office

8.31am : Defoe goes to Arsenal.  Several hacks are seen pouring over an atlas of the south Pacific trying to find France.

8.32am : Harry says no

8.33am : Modric goes to Chelsea

8.34am : Harry says no

8.35am : Defoe goes to Chelsea

8.36am : Harry says no

8.37am : Modric goes to Arsenal

8.38am : Harry says no

8.39am : The Tax man comes to Harry

8.40am : Harry says: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Harry goes to Arsenal.  Arsenal says no.  Harry goes to Belfast.  Rev Ian Paisley says, “Ulster says no”.

8.41am : Where is Cesc?? shouts the chief editor from under his desk

8.42am : Cesc is going to Barcelona

8.43am : The junior writes up a story in which Cesc says he loves Arsenal and is happy there (this story gets removed as the junior is shown the trap door)

8.44am : Cesc says he was happy at Arsenal but wants to win something

8.45am : Cesc says he was happy at Arsenal but had enough of it

8.46am : Reports claim Barcelona are on their way.  A fight breaks out over the copy of the atlas as reporters look into the possibility of moving Barcelona to another part of the world.

8.47am : Reports showing Barcelona have no money are vetoed by the editor on the grounds that financial details are far too complex for the readership of this paper.  “Who wants to know Barca are bust?” he screams.  “The story is they are the best team in the world, and they are loaded!  Geddit?”  The journalists admit that by and large and all things considered they get it.  The editor has another cognac and starts swearing in French.

8.48am : Cesc is in Barcelona

8.48am : Cesc is on holiday

8.49am : Cesc is going to play in Barcelona

8.50am : Cesc is being spotted with the new play station in a shop

8.51am : After installing the game Cesc is actually playing in Barcelona

8.52am : “Give me more on Cesc” rages the chief editor

8.53am : Cesc has Barcelona DNA says Xavi

8.54am : Pique wants Cesc in Barcelona claims the Spanish media.  “Anyone in this ********** building speak Spanish?” screams the editor.  Amidst the silence the junior admits that as a child he was taken to a disco in Ibiza by a man he met in Peckham.  “That’ll do,” shouts the editor.  “Translate this foreign muck.”   Nervously the boy writes a piece stating that the Cesc transfer deal was done and dusted last week and that he has seen the signed contract.  The editor orders the paper to run the story.

8.55am : Barcelona form a committee of two persons to fly to London.  The same persons from last year trip buy a ticket. They get a discount for regular travellers.

8.56am : P. Hill-Wood says the same as last year and sees his words reappear in all the media.  AS newspaper re-runs last year’s story to the effect that Cesc will be in Barce tomorrow to sign.

8.57am : Cesc has won something on his play station in Barcelona

8.58am : Barcelona buys Sanchez

8.59am : Barcelona has no money left.  Everyone looks at the editor.  He looks over his bottle of cognac.  No one writes a word.

9.00am : “I want to sell Cesc” shouts the chief editor. “Now, today for any price just make it happen”. He then attacks a journalist chosen at random.  The security people remove the editor from the building.

Then the owner of the newspaper enters the room and announces that another newspaper is running the story that Barca have sold Messi to Tottenham.  He lights a cigarette in direction violation of several UK laws.  Silence reigns complete.

9.05am : Reports say Messi to Tottenham is a done deal…..

Our undercover reporters, seen in this picture,  are discovered when forwarding this article. No news from them since then

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19 Replies to “Untold Exclusive. The transfer deals to end all transfer deals, as it unfolded this morning”

  1. i’m laughing!!
    i think … ?
    funny and true
    yet … somehow … I can’t stop changing my roster !??!??!?!?!?!
    didn’t they say rosterbation was bad for your brain?
    i should have listened

  2. Just to think these rags will have some ‘real, factual’ stuff to report in July,how will they cope??

  3. You forgot to include what I call a “doomer-bait” story, here’s one fresh out of my brain-box:

    “Wenger abandons advanced talks with Gary Cahill to fly out to Africa and sign 12 year old Cambodian winger”

    Can anyone come up with a better one? Remember, you want to elicit rage in the reader and attract thousands of clicks and abusive comments!

  4. You could probably post this on Newsnow and it would fit right in with all the transfer rubbish.

  5. Latest news off the wire:
    Cesc indicates unending devotion to Barca; Cesc was walking with his GF in a shopping mall in Finland, and as he was licking his ice cream cone, he passed by a sport store in which a dummy was wearing a Barca kit. Solid evidence that he’s headed to Barca in the next few minutes.

  6. @Sammy the Snake: yes, well done, mate: and that store dummy was wired and it picked up his telling her how great life will now be, now that he’s about to spend half-a-season more quality time with the GF in Barca. Btw, that information went straight to celestial orbs – the Sun, Sky and Star – who will publish breathless headlines in tomorrow’s post. You can bet Pep’s future on it!

  7. @Sammy the Snake: btw, you don’t work for them or the Mirror, do you? Just checking, full disclosure you know! (wink, wink)

  8. Hilarious. Equally funny I have found trips to other arsenal blogs , gooners everywhere having nervous breakdowns as we have not signed anyone, forgetting the global window starts first of July.

  9. Arsene Wenger ,Kenny Dalglish and Whats -his-name to check out local wonderkid(who cannot be named) in Kuala Lumpur when Arsenal ,Liverpool and Chelsea visit Malaysia.
    Why else would they bother to come here ?Not to sell shirts for sure -you can buy the fake new kits at 10% the price in the night markets.

  10. How about “Wenger opts to promote promising English youngster who spent last season on loan at Bolton instead of spending millions on experienced journeyman”?
    Crap, that actually happened. Maybe Wenger does know a thing or two about football players?

  11. LOL Woolwich Peripatetic 😉

    But tell me would it sell any newspaper?? Does it generates clicks?? So why mention it then…

  12. Walter,
    How about “Wenger slams English players as bunch of bottlers who can’t keep hold of the ball, goes on rant about Arsenal academy being the only hope for the England team”? Give me an hour and I can probably cobble together attributable supporting quotes and everything, better than a proper ‘journalist’ even 😀

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