Messi sold to Arsenal, Cesc on his way to Barceloanus, Lady Nina reveals all

An exclusive interview with the president of Barcelaonus

By our undercover reporters M. Adeup and T. Ruth.

Additional material by Lady Bracewell-Smythe, and her man, Bisket .

After a narrow escape from the dungeons under the Daily Stuff our reporters have been send on a new mission. A mission to the sun. No, not the paper.  A mission to outdo our rivals The Daily Snuff, the Morning Lark, and the Under 12s section of the Arsenal Supporters Club.  Not to mention The Sun.  No!  The sun shines in Barcelona!

I don’t know if you know that sort of feeling you get on those hot days at the end of June when the sky is a light pink or green with cotton-wool blobs and there’s a bit of a hurricane blowing from the west, and you know you haven’t yet recovered from last night at the pub? A kind of uplifting feeling that you can do it all again today. Romantic, if you know what I mean.

Now the men on the Daily Stuff are not much for romance, but on this particular morning it seemed to our reporters (or say they say in their account of what follows) that what they really wanted was some passing young lady of a certain vintage and size to trott along and ask the lads to save her from a bunch of maundering members of parliament who were harrassing her.  Or something.

A kind of bracing feeling that gives one the edge.

So it was this day as our intrepid fellows took their bags and filled them with coloured ink for photocopy machines, (a smart move as later turned out), donned their Lady Nina Bracewell Smith look-alike costumes and headed west for the airport.

Now we didn’t know this at the time, but airports are full of security people who are very suspicious about ink.  Not sure why that is, but there it is.

Ink.  They can’t stand the stuff.  Apparently you can make quantum bombs from it or something.

Anyway, after learning that we were from the Daily Stuff, and were going to help that aged and revered institution (Barcaloanus) sort out its stationery cupboard they told us that they were great Lady Nina fans and we went on our way.  (Actually we think they may have mistaken Lady Nina for Lady Gaga, but we don’t look gift horses in the gift horse, as it were, so we moved on.

At the second (of nine) security barriers we explained that we were Lady Nina (and her man, Bisket).  They asked the reason for our trip but we broke through by putting money in the hands of the border guards and all was fine.  It is vital to keep up the ancient British ways.

On the plane Bisket studied the menu devoutly before ordering a cup of cocoa, cold veal and ham pie, slice of fruit cake, and a macaroon.

When we came to Barcelona we took a cab that brought us to Nou Camp. Which isn’t that nou any more in fact.  It is rather a monument to the past.  A past when people had better eyesight and could see a football at 3000 yards.  These days, with the decline in carrot production in northern England, and the use of sonar, eyesight has declined, and those beyond the first tier at the ground pay reduced prices to listen to the roar of the greasepaint and feel the smell of the crowd.

Thus it was that us, the men on the spot (apart from Bisket who is our man with a spot) asked if we could speak with the Barceloanus president. When we said that we were from the Daily Stuff, (an association we explained that was closely associated with Untold Debts and Money-Laundering, a well known Spanish football blog) we were not allowed in!   Even the fact that Biskit had been practising Katalan (the local language) on the flight over, would not get us in.  We had given all our spare dosh to the border guards at Heathrow, and were sunk.

So we remained stationery and offered stationary (or vice versa) until Biskit  said ‘We bring you this” and pointed at the bag filled with the coloured ink.  (He also offered a bunny rabbit in the shape of Lady Nina but that clearly confused the poor fellow.)

Here sadly something got lost in translation for instead of hearing words concerning the working of the modern digital photocopier the doorman  understood: “We bring you Cesc”. The doors opened and we could enter the offices from the most successful club in the history of history.

Because of the savings Barcelona had to make it was very quiet in there.  No bouncers, no banquets, no books, no trophies (all down the pawn shop as we discovered later), no gentlemen tending each individual blade of grass, no one wiping the seats….

Even the doorman looked rather familiar.  He brought us to a door  where it said Mr. Rossel, President of FC Barcelona and told us to wait. The doorman entered the room and half a minute later he came back to the door and called us in. There was no other person in the room. But then us, acting as the paper’s “men on the spot” tumbled the ruse.

The doorman presented himself as Mr. Rossel himself! And yes it was him!!!  The boss would doubling as a humble man about the streets!!!!!!

Oh what democracy!  What fun!  What irony!  What a victory for the republican revolution and the overthrow of  the dictatorial fascist hierarchy of days gone by!  “Why don’t they do this at Arsenal?” said our man.  “Perhaps Lady Nina would do the door opening duties at the Ems!” replied Biskit, and there was much nodding of heads and general chortling in the direction of Gibraltar, for no particular reason other than when one chortles one needs to be pointing in some direction or other and that was the direction chosen by chance on that occasion.  There was no political significance in this at all.

“So you bring me Cesc,”  he (the doorman stroke President) asked

“No!!” I exclaimed (in the manner of Harry Enfield on one of those early shows, before it got a bit silly with all that Russian President intro).

Now I am by and large a man who never uses one exclamation mark will two will do.  “We bring you this!!” I said and showed the coloured ink for the photocopy machines.

You know the way love vanish from a man’s eyes and its disappearance can change a fellow’s whole  approach to life in seconds.  Well that’s what we got here.  It was really frightful to contemplate

If you ever have seen disappointment on a man’s face, this was it.  If you have seen the joy and laughter on the face of a seven year old when being given a puppy and before the notion that for the next ten years the child will be expected to clean up the mess, this wasn’t it.  If you have ever seen the smug grin on the face of a man who has not won the general election he has just fought, but knows he has persuaded the Liberals to join him in coalition and it will not only sustain him in power, it will also destroy that annoying bunch of radicals and long haired wierdos once and for all, this wasn’t it.

It nearly broke our hearts! “But this isn’t Cesc,” he said.  We admitted it wasn’t Cesc at all but was in fact coloured ink. But we pointed at the fact that for now they could use the ink to make colour copies. It wasn’t much consolation. But after thinking it over he said: “well we can use the ink.”  (He also asked if we had brought him a puppy dog or fought any interesting elections of late but we said no, we had not.  It doesn’t get to become too chummy with these foreign types).

But then, returning to our journalistic roots, and once more becoming “our men in foreign parts” we said, “We can only give the ink in return for an interview.” He looked at the ink one more time and agreed. And so we got our exclusive interview with the Barceloanus president.

Mr R began by addressing me:

MR R: In society circles in England, I believe, you have a fairly fruity reputation as a hostess, Lady Nina.   But you also have a reputation for being a dealer and a wheeler.  I am told no one can remember a single meal with you at which you didn’t turn the conversation sooner or later to the subject of Cesc.  You are always the same you English.  You are boiled fish!

M Adeup: Are you going to buy Cesc?

MR R.: Yes but we don’t know when.

MA: Have you made an offer yet as the press are reporting it?

MR.R.: Oh those boys from the press. They always try to help us. But in fact the only thing we did was go to the Sun and say that we are thinking of putting in a bid for Cesc.

MA: So the Sun is not completely telling the truth by saying you made a verbal offer? And all those other media who report the same? Are they lying?

MR.R. No, we only talked to the Sun about this. They are our privileged source. We thought it would be better if Arsenal also talked with the editor of the Sun. And Lady Nina.  You know English people amongst each other. We hoped it would help us in getting Cesc.

MA: So is the Sun acting as your manager and agent in this transfer?

MR.R.: Oh yes, they are. They are our go between in this transfer. We say what we want to them and they will make it public in the media.

MA: And did Arsenal reply to you or to the Sun?

MR.R.: No, to my surprise they didn’t reply to any of us. I don’t know why.  I was told that you, Lady Nina were a little late getting to a meeting (apparently the trams in the Kingsway tunnel were running a little late).  We are respectable, the Sun is respectable. In a way you could say that Arsenal is being disrespectful to all of us.

MA: Are you willing to pay the price for Cesc?

MR. R.:  Come on guys if we cannot even afford coloured ink do you think we can pay a decent price for Cesc?

MA: Would you consider a change of players to bring Cesc home?

MR. R.: Oh yes we would certainly do this. After all the only thing we want is to make Cesc happy, bring him home and make the fans happy!  In fact we are starting to look rather stupid, having let him go at 16, and then spending all our time hunkering around the lad, saying that he doesn’t have real human DNA but DNA made out of the local stone.  Very odd!  Strange no one has picked up on it before.  Not very good your local journalists, are they?  We had one round here the other day from the BBC and he kept telling us how he keeps eleven pet rabbits in his bedroom.

MA: So you would consider swapping another player who came to you at a young age with Cesc ?

MR.R.: Yeah we do anything to get Cesc back home except pay the money for him.

MA: So you would consider giving Messi to Arsenal in order to take Cesc with you?

MR.R.:  Who was your employer again?

MA:  I am Lady Nina of the Bracewell-Smith clan, and this is my man Biskit.  Now answer!  Are you considering this?

MR.R.: yes, no, er….

MA: Can I write the first yes as your answer Mr. President?

MR.R. You are not Mr Usmanov in disguise are you?  Hard to tell you English apart, you all look the same!

MA: Can I write it down as a yes Mr. Rossel?

MR.R.: SECURITY!!!! Where are those guys these days? Never around when you need them.  I will have you thrown out of here. You and your funny English website with all its funny spellings and odd words and jokes no one can understand and the way you always laugh at us having no money. Well let me tell you, your country is broke!

MA: I think Spain is also bust sir.

MR.R: Is it?

There was a long pause as Bisket smiled.  Or, rather, he had a kind of  muscular spasm about the mouth that they get in parts of Tottenham, which is the nearest thing he ever gets to smiling.  Then the president remembered that he had fired the security people along with the resident troop of belly dancers, cat tamers and pole vaulters.

MR R.: I must ask you to leave now or I will put my security uniform on.

MA: So you will consider a move of Messi in change for Cesc? (Our reporters are really hard men and known to push for an answer when the pubs are open.)

MR. R. (being distracted by pulling on his security uniform) yes I will do it…..

MA: Okay thanks Mr. President, this was the answer we have been waiting for.

MR.R.: …yes I will throw you out

M Adeup (dressed you will recall as Lady Nina, and putting on a female voice): No need El President we know the way out. Oh, and here is the ink.

The Barcelonaus president tried to run after our reporters but stumbled upon the bag with the coloured ink.

Back on the street we ran (as fast as the Lady Nina costume would allow) to the nearest internet pub and sent us this exclusive interview with the president of Barceloanus.  So it is final: Cesc will go to Barcelona and Messi is on his way to Arsenal. The deal is certain, it was written in coloured ink.

Lady Nina Bracewell-Locket appears courtesy of MegaDodo Publications Ltd.

45 Replies to “Messi sold to Arsenal, Cesc on his way to Barceloanus, Lady Nina reveals all”

  1. Wish Lady Nina was there at our club. Maybe the people who should be leaving are people like Peter Hill Wood, or should i say, Peter Hill Voodoo??….

  2. All will be revealed in the next episode, right now I`m off to watch Coronation Street.

  3. Cool article. If I remember well, Man U suited Real Madrid when they pushed too hard for C Ronaldo. We could do the same. Spanish newspapers are always saying false stuffs. Specially about Cesc. They also like to say that all big EPL clubs are interested in all their subs. You could write an article on those subjects, maybe.

  4. Just think if Barca switched to kodak printers they could get ink far cheaper and afford to pay the right price for our captain. I have a 2nd hand one they could buy, it is available on preloved and comes with 2 cartridges of ink black and white AND colour – bargain £30!

  5. Chris – I am so glad you got the Spike line – it has stayed with me ever since I first heard it as a child. There’s a couple of variations on PG Wodehouse in there too. (Although I am not taking full credit for this story at all – I just added a few touches to the original).

  6. Brilliantly surrealistic. Now I know where Gaudi went when he was unable to finish the Sagrada Familia… 🙂

  7. @Arsene Wonka:

    Forget Barca, I’ll buy your printer for £30. I don’t have any printer at all at this point (colour or black and white), so sounds like a great deal to me. Talk to me, let’s make a deal 🙂

  8. Worrying about Cesc – we recovered from the sale of Henry, who was our most important player, but Cesc is more central to our play; everything goes through him while Henry was mainly there to finish things off/set up a team mate. Practically all of our moves rely on Cesc getting them going. The rest DESPERATELY need to step up when he leaves. Otherwise, bye bye Champions League.

  9. PS No mention of Arsene apparently spurning a 10MM pound offering for Diaby? If true, I’m aghast. Tantalizing talent, misses every other game due to injury, and shows up to half the ones he’s healthy for. He’s not a DM, which we need, so what is his role???

    Anyway, as for Fabregas, I actually think folks fully appreciate Cesc’s value to the club, particularly given how everyone claims they’d be hugely angered were he to go to Barca for a penny less than 50MM. Not sure how we’d replace the element of magic he brings. Were he to leave, however, I think we go 4-2-3-1. If we are to snare a few of these true wingers, particularly Gervinho, I feel it would reflect Arsene’s acknowledgement that we need players on the wing willing and able to better take the ball into the box with a dribble attack, rather than playing hot potato with the ball out on the box perimeter.

    As for Nasri, maybe he wouldn’t disappear in games if he were full-time playing central? Slot him centrally right behind RvP, playing more up front, flanked by Theo on the right and our big left wing signing. Have Jack run the middle of the field along with our DM. What I want to see more than anything this season offensively is for us to get more dribble attack penetration, particularly from the left side, creating finishes for Nasri, RvP and Theo on the other side. Considering we could be without Cesc and his array of through balls, we’ll need the likes of a Gervinho and Theo to simply take the ball towards goal themselves.

  10. Varun, the history of Wenger at Arsenal is the history of pulling rabbits out of hats – over and over again. I suggested in a piece recently that we might be moving over to 4-4-2 or 4-4-1-1 in the next season, and if so, Cesc would not easily fit into that.

    Wenger performed miracles with 4-4-2 and not just by putting Vieira and Petit in the middle – remember he had Parlour playing in the Petit role for some time. With so many teams going to 4-3-3 and copying us in the last two years, this could be the moment to switch back, and then Cesc is not nearly so central to what we want to do. Song/Wilshere or Song/Ramsey would work much better.

    Just my view, of course, not too sure what Lady Nina would say.

  11. @varun – calm yourself my friend, Cesc will stay at Arsenal, it is written in the stars (and confirmed by the man himself when he said he is happy at Arsenal PLUS Barca can’t afford to buy him). Seriously, the press is full of it, (read full of s*it). I read this morning (in the Metro I’m ashamed to admit, but it’s all for research Bob!!) that Real Madrid have offered £45million for Cesc… The Metor claimed this was according to Spanish press but I have it on very good authority (Anne, the font of all Cesc transfer knowledge) that there is not a single solitary report in the Madrid press that this offer has been made. To sum up, the Metro just blantantly made this story up!! That is just the tip of a very big iceberg. If you haven’t already read it, I can’t recommend highly enough the you read this – & part 2. It is a stunning expose on the nonsence the press write to sell papers (or for other more sinister reasons?) by Anne, who is highly repoected around these parts.

  12. Anne – following Stevie E’s note above, would you like me to set up a fan club for you? I have some experience in these matters as I set one up for myself a while back, and although no one joined I felt the administrative experience stands me in good stead for doing it for a real star.

  13. @Tony – never mind a fan club, she needs her own web site, facebook page & twitter site 🙂

  14. Wenger is his own worst enemy in this respect, as his stubborness is notorious. Any “selling” club which prefers to hold onto a player knows thy only need to set the bar a couple of million above our offer, and Arsenal won’t budge and we won’t land the player… Then Man C storm in and cough up 10 million more.

  15. I refill my cartridges, save good money that way. It’s a messy affair but I enjoy it, careful where you point those ink-filled syringes mind.

  16. Stevie E,
    So glad you volunteered to monitor the Metro in addition to the Evening Star! (One in the morning, one in the evening – a pint, that is! wink, wink)

  17. OFF TOPIC – ah well still about transfers….

    On Lequipe they say that today the deal with Gervinho will be sealed between Arsenal, Lille and Gervinho.

    So next friday on, already today on Untold Arsenal. 😉

    Like we over here told you and whic is mostly to difficult to understand for the U12 Arsenal fans: the replacement that Lille needed was the most important thing and the final piece of the puzzle that needed to be solved. From the moment the replacement chose Lille and snubbed PSG it was clear that it would be a matter of hours before the deal would be finalezed.

    So finaly welcome back Gervinho.

  18. @Bob
    Aaarrggghhh I can’t believe what I’ve agreed to!! But at least I can scan for Arsenal related stories then use the rest of the paper for decorating/packing purposes (for which I believe it is actually intended) 🙂

  19. @walter
    Yep, once Lille had Payet in the bag the Gervinho deal could follow through. Apparently Gervinho is at Arsenal today having his medical 🙂

  20. Speaking of formations (which Tony was) no one has commented on the occasional (but successful) use last season of three-at-the-back. Not by us but by the likes of Liverpool (at Chelsea) and by Barceloana in most games – Alves playing almost permanently as a wide midfielder rather than right back.
    It’s a formation which (in my view) absolutely requires a left footed defender on that side of the defence (with appropriate cover in reserve – TV4 + Iggy?) and which might release the defensive midfielder (particularly at home) to play further forward and to be more ‘creative’ – or even to be replaced by a more creative player. It also needs the back three to be all very comfortable on the ball as they almost take it in turns to move up into midfield when the team is in possession.
    It also needs players out wide who play more like wing-backs than full backs (Eboue, Traore?)
    As a team who are usually faced by only one striker this could be the next ‘tweak’ that AW employs.

    Apparently Arsenal will travel back in time and sign Diego Maradona, Baggio and possbily Zidane.

  22. sorry i find it difficult to find anything positive about wenger.did you see his letter sent to a fan who had obviously complained about our lack of investment and keeping inferior players on high wages. his reply same old aw,he admits defensive lapses,but he says we have the technical ability and our football for most of the season was better than previous seasons,the players were o/s,other clubs make it difficult for us,i assume chelsea,manc. if wenger believes defence is our only problem he should resign.he said he would sort out nasri and clichy.6 weeks into the recess still not resolved. we need 4 players to come into out 1st team,cb,def midf,winger and striker. we should allow cesc to go that makes 5 replacements,nasri cannot be influenced with a new contract worth £90mil.clichy wants to go to l/pool. if all three go we will need 7 new players,not a cat in hells chance,yes i believe due to fans displeasure he will bring in some but he never does enough.phw critisces nina who i agree with,we need an injection of new blood throughout our club,manager players and bod.players report back next tues,get cracking for gods sake.

  23. @jayj: At last! a breaking news flash of yours that I can fully warm to – especially as you source it so well! (And as I write, (sir) Paul McCartney’s voice serenades me… “Here comes the sun! It’s all right…”)

  24. Varun,
    I think you are far too optimistic.
    I think we need at least 11 new players to come in to even stand a chance to avoid relegation next season

  25. @varun
    Ahh bless, 1st of all AW didn’t write that letter, it was written by a journo who works for the Sun. They do things like that to sell news papers and make millions of pounds. They don’t care if what they say isn’t true.
    2nd under AW we’ve won the PL 3 times, the FA cup 4 times, we’ve been in the Champions League for 11 consecative years, we’ve moved to a brand new stadium without dropping out of the top 4 or getting into unmanagable debt, he brought the likes of Thierry, Vieira, Cesc etc to the club, he’s been FA premier league manager of the year 3 times, inducted into the English football hall of fame and won world coach of the decade… apart from that I’m struggling to find anything positive to say about him…
    3rd the European transfer window opens on Friday 😉

  26. If one can believe the translated report from AS in English it seems that Cesc said he has nothing to say about a possible transfer.
    He then added that when a player is on the market it is because his club wants to sell him and dont want the player. He said he has no problems.

    So if I can still rely on the translation (Anne anyone…) it seems that Cesc doesn’t want away and that Arsenal dont want to sell.

  27. Anne, I did your job a bit 🙂

    I think that if AS is correct in its report it shows that Cesc has nothing to say and that it is up to Arsenal to make a decision if they want to sell him or not

    But the interesting part is that AS is pointing at a report in the Guardian where they come up with the nonsense we have heard in the last days.

    So my conclusion is that Cesc said he has nothing to say and that he has no problem with whatever Arsenal will decide and that the press is running in circles with pointing at others to report ….nothing.

    But I leave it to Ann to look at the complete picture 🙂

  28. You can see a video clip of Cesc’s interview here:
    Maybe someone who speaks Spanish can translate the quotes directly…

    I don’t think much of the quotes, to be honest – he’s not really saying much of anything. And I took the quote about him being for sale to mean “players are only for sale when their club doesn’t want them, and for me that’s not the case”. Anyway, just my two cents 🙂

  29. Oh damn our reporters M. Adeup en T. Ruth are not really reliable… 😉

  30. It seems that barca have bid €35m for Alexis Sanchez, which means even if their prefered option of €24ish upfront +performance related is agreed, it doesn’t leave much in the bank to fund a €40m+ bid for Cesc… Add to that the following quotes from he man himself courtesy of ) – Speaking at a football campus in Tordera, Spain, the 24-year-old was quoted as saying in AS: “I’m calm and I am optimistic. I have nothing to say and there is nothing to speak of.”
    He added: “If something happens, it is because it has to happen. For my part, I’ve begun to get in shape, which is what I have to do.”
    “If a player is on the market it is because the club does not want him. I have no problems.”
    Arsenal have yet to make any official comment, as they did last summer, on reports regarding a return to the Nou Camp for Fabregas.
    I read that as “arsenal don’t want to sell me so im not for sale, that’s cool now im gonna focus on getting fit enough to start the season for arsenal in tiptop form”. Nice 🙂

  31. This time last year evryone was saying how great Chamakh was going to be and he was only good for 40% of a season. What is the chance that Gervinho who everyone is talking up is only going to be a 40% man too?

  32. jas777,
    who can possibly know? why ask? do you have an analysis either way? is there an injury record? are you suggesting some kind of karma? are you asking for someone to analyze this? come on out and say something?

  33. Nice post ,Tony – keep them coming !I felt sorry for Mr.R – when apparent joy was suddenly replaced with utter despair as the proverbial trapdoor opened.
    Reminded me of a time when when having it on with a sweet young thing ,she moved ( and I thought she was responding) ;and then she broke my heart with the words ,” Is it in yet ?”.

  34. Is there a real possibility that both Fabregas and Nasri will leave, all three wantaways Bendtner, Denilson and Clichy will stay, and that the only signings will be Oxlade-Chamberlain, Jenkinson and Gervinho? If that were to happen I wouldnt blame any Arsenal fan for throwing their replica kit in the trash. What is happening to us, seriously? We have money, it must be the management right?

  35. Wait for it..wait for it…
    Brummie frontman Carson-Risdale-Laporta has been arrested.
    Something to do with dodgy bill$.

  36. Funny article well done1

    Do calm down Varun. Yet another neurotic Arsenal fan with a persecution complex.

    Maybe all the players will leave, maybe they won’t. Maybe a meteorite will smash into the emirates and obliterate planet earth. Just stop worrying and enjoy your life ffs!
    Dear oh dear

  37. Varun….let’s see how dark we can paint this potential scenario:
    OMG…..Cesc and Nasri, Bendtner, Vela, Clichy, Arshavin, Denilson,and Eboue leave for free because Wenger and Ivan are so kind-hearted. We bring in Oxenchamberpot,Gervinho of the majestic forehead, three loanees, and a partridge in a pear tree. We spend a total of 2M Euro and the remainder of our fabled 40 M Euro moneypot is spent on an all expenses paid weekend for AW,Ivan and Nina Bracewall Smut at the local council flats off Highbury Square. So far so good? Its all because the f**ing management didn’t listen to your sage advice or incessant whining!
    Get a life, take your valium and your chocolate x-lax and change your diapers….before you have a plastic fanboy tantrum…or write anymore bleam rhetorical shite….EOS!

  38. I must say that I am bitterly disappointed that this didn’t got mentioned on the media watch on 😉

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