FIRE SALE – EPL CLUB UP FOR SALE AND CHEAP AT HALF THE PRICE
Don McMahon
Well its finally happened. AFC have been put up for sale to the highest bidder. Messrs Kroenke and Usmanov have thrown in the towel and decided to get out while the going is good. Why may you ask is this happening when they both just became engaged in a financial cat-fight that looked almost Mafia-like?
Apparently they have their reasons BUT an inside source told me that both owners felt overwhelmed with the ¨facts¨ that our Gloomer-Doomer Gooner fans have been bombarding them and the blogsphere with since January last and it all finally hit home. Therefore, bowing to such consistent and powerful pressure, they jumped on the bandwagon, abandoned their investment plans in AFC and have put a FOR SALE sign outside the Emirates.
Now the asking price is still secret BUT my ever reliable inside source says that they will consider a bid at about ten-pence on the pound, which, in the light of our recent Gooner gloomy predictions and abysmal performances over 6 years, seems to accurately reflect fair market value! Here are the reasons my source gave me for this peculiar state of affairs:
1) It seems we have a man who, despite being considered the EUFA manager of the decade and having transformed the Club from a mediocre and boring EPL perennial also-ran into the Invincibles of legend, has suffered a total dysfunctional, ¨lost the plot¨ breakdown and isn’t worth the paper on the contract he signed last year. He was warned but he was too stubborn!
2) Apparently all our players are either injury prone prima-donnas, lazy and overpaid losers, inexperienced neophytes without any mentors or worse still, disloyal sycophants who are lined up to jump ship for warmer climes. Is Manchester actually warmer than London?
3) It is proven fact,according to sources in the know (prophets of doom, fortune-tellers, augurs etc.) that we will never win another trophy, we are headed for certain relegation or at least mid-table mediocrity (still ok since we’ve been there before), and are ambition-less losers with no desire to win anything but excessive salaries and a new sports car every year.
4) Nobody wants to transfer to our Club as they see the obvious direction we are headed in and they eschew us for such stellar overachievers as the Tiny Totts, Shitty, Newcastle and so on. Much of the devaluation in our Club’s worth is attributed to the Board’s greedy hoarding of potential transfer funds and our two Billionaire owners’ unwillingness to splash the cash, so fondly encouraged by our Gloomy Doomer Gooners. They were warned but they ignored all!
5) To top it all off, we have to face the fact that everything we have tried since 2005 has been absolutely doomed to utter failure, but particularly the youth development and transfer process. We have not brought in any players worth their salt, have few full Internationals and our kids are pitiful shadows of the great Invincibles of yesteryear. Anyone who is knowledgeable of the finer points of FIFA football Manager KNOWS that playing kids doesn’t make a man’s team!
6) The nail in AFC’s coffin has been our manager’s stubborn refusal to spend the enormous funds available to him to buy proven stars who will pick this team up by its bootlaces and drag them,kicking and screaming, over the goal-line! IF ONLY we would spend like Real or City, we would have been guaranteed success, just like them!
7) Least but also last was Barcelona’s obvious disdain and dismissal of our best player’s worth. Since they won everything available to them they must know what they are doing and this is a sure sign that our star is fading fast, our value is plummeting and wisely, our beloved owners have seen the light and offered the Club to Barcelona. However, due to a slight cash-flow problem and coloured photocopy ink shortages at the Nou Camp, they politely declined our proposal but still want the aforementioned player for DNA testing purposes.
Anyone up for organizing a fire sale to the AST….they have asked for more shares..100% maybe?
My dear Don,
Don’t tell anyone, but now that I’m considering giving up the rest of my UK press holdings, this fire sale of yours (which my media minions have helped bring about by depressing, as you have seen, the AFC market value), please have your inside source contact my office at Wapping, and there will be a finder’s fee in it for you both.
Signed,
you know who
(p.s. I’m free after Tuesday’s “showdown” in parliament
What about the issue of the exodus of season ticket holders who are turning in hundreds towards New Traffordshire?
Dear Don Typical English comments, Why don’t you move a bit closer to the Spuds or Chelski.
Who can blame them, with our failed youth policy producing dross like Wilshere
Don,
All your talking points aptly reflect the themes of the media drumbeat against AFC. You’ve captured what’s come out the other end of the media “talking points” memo that Anne distilled in the last posting. (Every morning, the Fox News Channel literally starts out with a talking points memo that media minions are to follow.) I see your fine piece and her high-calibre work as bookends in the strong and growing analysis hereabouts. (Perhaps Tony will put them together sometime in a book [or e-book] that’s the best case study of media-behavior inside world football to date.)
Mandy Dodd,
And that crocked Ramsey chap, for any hints of skill, he’s surely not made of English Steel (what with being captain of that place across the really border).
Very true about Ramsey lol, and lets face it, he is another player on our books nobody else wanted, except maybe Fergie!
My God – we have just failed to beat some Chinese side in a pre season, now we really are in crisis!
We love you Arsenal we do! **
** with the proviso we spend at least £80m, bring in Adams as a coach, sell Rosicky, bring back Dein,appoint Usmanov to the board, show bent refs more respect, stop wearing hoodies and headphones to cup finals and make Scott Parker our captain
Sounds like chelsea/man city the only clubs to be sold for peanuts!
The fault has to lay with AW he has spurned the chance to buy prudent and squandered money on underpaid tallentless tw@ts who one glimps of the hi life are off,why he has not re-emplyed Jay Bothroyd and David Bentley is beyond me
Oh Mr Wenger why yoo hate gunner fan so much, when we all love gunner so much…
What the Sun would do is take Don’s points and all of our ironic shtick today and go literal on us — pretending that we are Arsenal loyalists who The Frenchman has driven to the barricades! Can you see the headline: “Arsenal Faithful Storm Le Bastaille! Wenger Flees to Asia!”
Funny you dismissed Usmanov so easily…..
Word in the street:
A prospective buyer has been come up. However, he is more interested in the real estate portfolio of AFC and is thinking of taking it fully into the real estate business and renting out the Ems for LIVE entertainment and shows…
He wouldn’t be needing the Ivan for obvious reasons but he plans to keep Wenger and even double his salary for his ability to read a balance sheet and his nose for sweet REAL ESTATE deals.
He doesn’t know what to do with the so called football assets especially the young footballers in the so-called “youth program” so he is happily ready to talk to Man City, Man U, Barcelona, Tottenham and Bayern who strangely enough, are making furious attempts to get his telephone numbers and email addresses…
Why dont you just support another club? I have never read such dirge from a so called supporter in my life. Can anyone imagine a true supporter of any team writing this rubbish? I am convinced that people who write this kind of c””p are either manure or tottenhamsh”t fans.
Just go away snd let real arsenal fans support our team through thick and thin, not just become trophy prawn sanwich supporters.
In Arsenal, Arsene and the board we trust.
Thanks for the wonderfully amusing comments…now that’s made me feel pre-season is hotting up! Actually Dark Prince…this is a satirical piece so Usmanov, like everyone else, is a fair target. by the way are you any relation to the Black Prince:Edward of Woodstock, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, Prince of Aquitaine?
My heart was in my mouth!!!
Thank god it was all a joke. But if under 10’s don’t change their ways it might soon become reality. Sad.
@untold@Critic
Previously Untold(and now Critic) you have called the said bloggers the U10’s…Personally I find that too much of a compliment,surely these youngsters would only warrant being called the U5’s..??
well done.
As always, it seems impossible to find any sort of fair and balanced opinion on Arsenal anywhere.
And while I do not think there is just reason for the “sky is falling” section of Arsenal society, one has to admit that the past few years haven’t exactly resounding successes. Not that they have been failures either, but there is a larger and larger portion of Gooners becoming impatient, for whatever their reasons.
I’m just sick and tired of it all, it bothers me that I can write an article on Wellington Silva going back out on loan, and the first comment in the section is “Wenger out!”
I am ready to get back to football, although I fear that the first loss or dropped points will start the whole thing again.
@Domhuaille- u shud hav targeted Wenger also in that case….also i’m not related to anyone whom you have mentioned.
Its interesting to see that fergie indeed was not interested in breaking the bank for Samir nasri. He would much rather go for a proven player like mata or sneinder.
@gulp,
in the real world, he went for Ashley “the web cam boy” Young, Ryan “the glue of the family” giggs was attracting the wrong sort of media attention. Nasri was probably never asked but a long standing feud with evra, which the classless bastard has sought to constantly stoke in the french media might be the tenuous association that was the germ for this particular bit of tat- please desist from perpetuating this cycle of shit, because it causes rifts in the arsenal fraternity, when we are squabbling we rightly earn the title of under 10’s. it is a self fulfilling prophesy.
Not sure if Fergie ever was in for Nasri or not but in response to your point, Fergie is far from perfect in the transfer market, as Bebe, Obertan, Kleberson, Veron, Djemba*2, Taibi, to an extent Berbatov , Owen on £110pw, Forlan, unfortunately,Hargreaves and many other prove. He also sold Pique for about £5m. He does pull out the odd gem, like Hernandez, or the untouchable Vidic, but he is not as great in the market as his gimps in the media would have you believe
Going on previous form, I expect at least 1 of his recent signings to severely bomb.
The thing with Fergie, he is a spender with a lot of disposable cash over the years, he messes up, he goes out and spends to rectify.
At Arsenal, we do not have that luxury.
Schneider is a great player but I would struggle to think where he would fit into their set up. They certainly do not need Mata. I actually think a Nasri / Cesc / Modric type is what that team are crying out for.
Nice one Don – but it too classy for the masses . Satire and irony are lost on most but keep them coming , it made my day as did your previous articles .
For some reason whenever I read your articles,
your brother Don McLean’s song plays in my head- ….drove my Chevy to the levy ,but the levy was dry ..so bye ,bye (or was it buy ,buy )miss American pie (or was it Mister American guy )…..
Did I mention that I also see dead people ?
Don.
Thanks very much. I really enjoyed it. What a shame some can’t.
Go Don! Go Don!! Go Don!!! I may just buy it myself. Will be nice to have Wenger work for me. lol
Dark Prince……….you are a riot! I am reserving a special roasting for Wenger but only when he wins some silverware….as according to the whiny mob, it won’t be enough and far too late!
The Black Prince (Black Prince:Edward of Woodstock, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, Prince of Aquitaine) was the only hereditary male in the Capetian line of English Royalty to not inherit the Crown of England, as he died before his father, the King.Sorry, it was too veiled a reference for you to catch. How about a relation to the Dark Prince of Belair, Will Smith?
Ken Gooner forever July 16th, 2011 at 6:27 pm …… Did you know that proper names require capitalization and that forever is one word? I surmise that you missed the irony and satirical intent of my article and took it, like yourself, too seriously. I’m poking fun at all you Gooners for Life mob who get their diapers in a twist whenever someone dares to tweak their noses. I am a full fledged overseas supporter and therefore, even if I wanted to support another Club, there are none capable of replacing the Arsenal in my heart and soul. By the way, when you wrote this comment, was it past your bedtime, as you made a few grammatical and spelling errors, probably due to the poor light in the closet?
Apparently Tesco has a new product available called ¨sense of humour¨, designed to help people like you develop one. Try it!