Billy “the Dog” McGraw reveals what the papers will be saying next week

By Billy the Dog, landlord of the Toppled Bollard, Islington.

I had that Arsene Wenger round here the other night doing his basso profundo with the carol singers.  They were collecting money for the Arsenal transfer funds which are somewhere between desperation and zero.

“Ere Arse,” I said, adopting the familiar style that is customary for gentleman of my profession.  “What you spending all that dosh on?”

Apparently the club is persuading Dennis Bergkamp to play for a few games to help Arsenal through its attacker crisis.   I thanked the boss for the inside information and called my man at the Sun, and he paid me £50.  Not bad.

After that we had the usual Christmas Party from the staff at Islington Planning Department and they told me that Arsenal never complied properly with the planning regulations on the Emirates and it is going to have to be pulled  down next summer.  Seems the club is going to ground share with West Iceland.  I sold that story to the Mirror who gave me £80.

Thinking I was on a roll (or is that a role) I called the Guardian and told them that Nasri had got the expected three game suspension for being slapped in the face in the game against Hull Spitty.  They said they would  think about paying me, and then blow me down they used it straight off.

Next up the Daily Excess. I helped them go for “Crouch to Arsenal” to help the club sort out its attacking options.  £100.

I chatted up that bird at the Star and gave her “Doubt over Wenger after he refuses to dismiss stories that he will work as deputy coach to Mancini at Man City.”   She didn’t pay me, but well, you know…

Then it was the usual free for all, accepting the highest bids from wherever they came.   Robin Van Persie to Liverpool on the grounds that they sign players with long term injuries, Eduardo is so fed up with miserable cold London he wants to go back to Croatia, Silvestre has just signed a new 10 year deal, and Arsenal are asking Sol Campbell to return so that he can play centre forward.

You can expect all these stories to appear next week – especially since half the world read that piece about Billy The Dog Denies Close Liaison with Tiger Woods. Well!  Really!  I say!

Meanwhile that Tony Attwood bloke says he hopes everyone who was given a signed copy of MAKING THE ARSENAL for Christmas understands what you have to do…

1.  Look at the cover

2.  Read the first diary entry

3.  Look at the cover

4.  Read the rest of the book.

Apparently that is really important and if you don’t do all that you don’t get the joke.  And he says a review of the Arsenal match on Christmas Day 100 years ago will appear on any moment now.

Love and Kisses

Billy the Dog.

PS And a happy Christmas from Tony.  I really appreciate the honour that you do me by reading my wild meanderings on this site.  Without you it would be a bit like talking to myself.  Which as you will know if you read the book, is cheating.

18 Replies to “Billy “the Dog” McGraw reveals what the papers will be saying next week”

  1. “Eduardo is so fed up with miserable cold London he wants to go back to Croatia”

    This is the best line for me. Seems to me that it’d easily pass through some copy editors’ hands.

    And why does Billy work for so cheap???

  2. You have my vote for best blog of 2009. It’s always the one I look for first and almost always a very good read. Thanks chaps, and Happy Christmas.
    PS. Billy, you forgot that rumour about Tony Attwood being transferred to Le Grove because they’re too up beat and need some balance!!!!

  3. You made me laugh and that is good because I could need it after the miserable news yesterday that our tickets for the Eurostar had been cancelled because of an overbooking.

    But no Eurostar can stop us from comming over and we have already worked out another way of traveling with cars to Calais then the boat to Dover and then the train to London. And back off course.

    Is there anyone from Dover present at this site ? We just wonder if it is easy to park your car in Dover for the whole day ?

  4. Late breaking news & pertinent to your post:

    From my 3rd cousin’s half uncle- work associate, details are being finalized for Ade’s return;

    Apparently, City’s ownership uses the Sun as a primary source for management decisions. They are reporting that Ade does not see bringing in Mancini as a next best option to playing in Milan.

    Stating that there is no ‘real’ love or appreciation for his game in Manchester, he looks forward to reuniting with his strike partner and best friend, Niky B.

    Terrific site – starts everyday with a good chuckle. Many thanks!

  5. Think back to the good old days when “Arsene Who?” was in charge. They were the days, My Son! We had a bunch of men on the park. Now we have….well what do we have? Not quite boys and not quite men. There must be some old men out there that “Arsene Now Somebody Really Quite Famous” can revive just for a season or two. There’s that french bloke languishing in a Spanish hell..what’s his neme…. Henry?

    NOW, MY SON!!!
    that should be in the paper next week.

    OOHHHHH there was a time…..there really was.

  6. Merry Cristmas to everyone on the site. Like many others it’s the first one I read. When the rumours are flying around I always assume that yours are the most accurate probably down to the fact that you at least check them out.Tony I think your response to Burnz was very reserved and it’s obvious that he is the one with issues? Maybe he had too many sherberts last night and is actually on the wrong website? Walter I hope you make it too the game and safely home again.
    Keep up the good work and lets hope we get three more points on Sunday?

  7. Walter, Sorry to hear about the cancellation. I hope that everything works out well in the end for your family on this trip.

    Merry Xmas, Billy. I hope you’ll send my best wishes to Tony and Mrs Tony et al.

    Merry Xmas everyone!

  8. Walter blame the French,everyone else does 🙂 I am sure you will make it.

    Merry Xmas Tony and all your faithful readers,I finally got the Making The Arsenal,Schindler’s List still comes to mind.

  9. Well I must say that our president has managed to get all the transport issues out of the way by now. This means that for over 30 people we had to arrange cars, bookings on the boats of seafrance and then try to sort out that by using as less cars as possible to drive.
    We found a place on the cars for everybody now and we are looking ahead to a long trip.

    Now the only thing that is bothering us is the fact that some media are speaking of a cancellation of the games tomorow….. ?
    If the games should be cancelled now this would be a total disaster…. Is there any news on the state our pitch is in for the moment ??

  10. Thanks for the link Tony.
    Well if we can get over the cancellation from Eurostar we will get the parking issue sorted out aswell.

  11. Walter, Sorry to hear the problem you are having to face to see The Arsenal play. But here’s hoping that you’ll have a cracking match with The Arsenal giving a worthy performance to all your troubles..

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