Arsenal v Notlob Srerednaw: the league match of the decade

Warning: contains occasional insanity, multiple insults, ephemeral nursery rhymes and mild fantasy.

So, here I am on Wednesday morn, with three thoughts in my head – which is an improvement of the one that normally resides there.

Thought one: will the game go ahead?  If it does the 27.5 Notlob supporters who normally travel out of the badlands and into civilisation will not make is as the B78372 is reported closed, following an earthquake.

Thought two: if it does will I be able to get there?  Looking at the snow outside my place in the midlands, it seems unlikely

Thought three: will I be able to get back home if I do get there?  Who knows!

But let us be optimistic, let us assume the best, let us not be part of the D and G (drunk and geriatric) brigade.

So here we go with the Arsenal team


Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelan, Toure

Denilson, Diaby Ramsey (with Nasri as an option if Rosicky plays up front)

Arshavin, Eduardo, Nasri (with Rosicky and Vela as an option)

It is extraordinary that in a situation in which everyone is injured or in Africa we still can ponder over the options.  Craig Eastmond could be on the bench alongside our usual suspects, plus Cruise, Barazite, Watt, Coquelin, JET and Jack.

On the injury front I am told by those who know even less than me (which is very few) that Clichy, Walcott, Bendtner, and Fabregas are not too far away.  Give it a week or two.

As for the Trot Trot Trotters of Notlob Srerednaw, they are quite rightly famous for being the retrograde team that single handedly invented rotational fouling and rotational time wasting – ploys that still baffle all referees,  and which allow the team to secure 0-0 draws the length and breadth of the country.

But enough of this contemporary stuff. Let us consider happier times in days gone by.

They reached the high point in their history in 1987 when they ascended to their spiritual home of the 4th division.  What bliss.

In 2005–06 Europe went into total shock as citizens across the Union and beyond watched astounded as the club took their rotational tactics hither and yon.  There were mass calls for their expulsion and they were finally knocked out in the last 32 of the Twirley Whirley Cup.

Notlob qualified for the same charade in 2007–08 tournament by finishing 27th in the EPL and this time a repeat of the tactics got them to the last 16.

Notlob play in the Kobeer Stadium which is outside the town, carefully situated around an industrial wasteland made up mostly of carparks (at least that how it looked to me).   Their previous stadium is now a firelighter.

But do not be misled into thinking that Notlob have won no records.  They hold the record for the most seasons in the first division without winning a sausage: 71 years. Not bad eh?

This season the Notlob fans have added a rare element of humour to their game calling for the resignation of the manager on the grounds that his tactics were too negative.  Oh what fun they have in these northern climes.

Here’s their team

B Peep

J Horner, J Spratt, W W Winky, I W Spider

H Dumpty, Duke of York,  H D Dock,  McDonald the Elder

M Goose, Q of Hearts

There is a chance that Jussi Jussi Jaaskelainen, raconteur, bass guitarist, parliamentarian and wit,  will perhaps play in goal having been rested at the weekend in favour of Ali Al Habsi.

Chris Evans, radio disc jockey, geologist, oceanographer, novelist, and chef, will be in charge.  Kevin Davies and Ivan Opportunity are alternative possibles as forwards.

The biggest problem we face is that the scrappage scheme has been extended and this club might be taken away before we can play the game, but assuming it (the game)  goes ahead, then I think we should win 6-1, with five own goals and a shot from inside his own half by Denilson.

Owen Coyle has gone for a sanity test.


If you ever find any of these ramblings even fractionally amusing you should read MAKING THE ARSENAL which is funnier. usually gives the low down.

And don’t forget the review of 100 years ago, when there was no snow, and everyone was miserable.

I forgot to add in my original of this (updating it now an hour after the original post – Toure at full back was the mild fantasy).

(c) Tony Attwood 2010, under six fathoms of snow.

27 Replies to “Arsenal v Notlob Srerednaw: the league match of the decade”

  1. Toure as LB? Even if we had any Toure in our team he would have been africa at this moment 🙂

  2. Tony,

    You’ve just brightened up my day. I’ve been cold and moody all day but I’m now warm and wearing a big smile.

    Bring on the “rotational foulers”!

  3. To be honest I really don’t know what to think if the game was postponed ? Would we benefit that some players would be fit again or would it make it harder in a few weeks time ?

    I think the game would we played next wednesday or the week after and therefore we would play them home and away in 3 days ?

  4. An apology – I meant to include at the end of the piece a note to say that the Toure at left back was the mild fantasy, but I forgot. I’ve changed the text and added it now. Silly me.

    The snow is really coming down now – I can’t see me making it tonight. I hope Sky put it on TV just as they did last night with Stoke against Fulham.

  5. On a more serious note: I think we should buy that WW Winky. If I remember right he is +6ft high and +2ft wide and hard to pass by. 😉 LOL

  6. If snow keep falling, there is slight possibility Jusi wont be on goal. I presume they understand that for such small team as we are, this height of snow is big problem and only Jusi head can be their orientation. So probably Jusi will play as CF to confuse our players, and make them strike their own goal.
    From all I just said it is more than obvious we need to buy tall players, more of them. And of course its all Wenger guilt, because if he bought 11 tall players we would be able to control game.
    If Wenger really love Arsenal as he claim, he should buy Sergei Bubka, or reassign.

  7. I’m praying the game goes ahead – I think postponement will only prove to be damaging regardless of having extra players fit.

    It will be great to close the gap – that extra game hangs over fans and players heads alike.

    Great news for us that Man Utd’s CC game was postponed too – Fergie will be whingeing about this down the line – mark my words.

  8. So far so good in London. We’ve had about an inch of snow but it’s not settling in many places. Why does Coyle want to go to Bolton?
    They’re mired in huge debts and will have to follow the Southampton route if they go down.

  9. The pitch looks great on Game on I would say.

    Loved it Armin.
    But then again I think Arshavin could take the ball, dig himself under and then just come above snow before scoring a goal…

  10. Tony, was the Stoke game last night televised out of the blue because the CC games were canceled? I doubt there is much chance of the Arsenal game being televised but I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed just in case.

  11. That’s right Jonny. Sky were down to show the League Cup semi which was called off, and then suddenly up pops the Britannia Stadium. I was doing my tax return at the same time as it was on, and for once the football was more exciting than the tax.

    Anyway, tonight’s League Cup game is off too so maybe, just maybe, Sky will do the same thing again. After all they have several hours to fill.

    But no, hang on, its Arsenal, so they will put on a replay of Manchester United instead. “This is what would have happened between Man U and Man C if it had been played. Be part of the action. Have your say on who would have scored…”

    Yeah yeah.

  12. No chance of the game being on TV in the UK. Tonight’s match (Manchester derby) should have been on the BBC. Last night’s game could be switched as Sky had the rights to both the postponed game (in the league cup) and the Premiership match, and the scheduled slot to fill.

    There are highlights of our game on Sky at 10pm.

  13. Methinks we will not be televised. Sky had no other option yesterday than to put on the other match. Today, they know it already. So, if you check Sky’s TV schedulde, you will find that it does not contain footy. Bugger.
    But, there is always, which has loads of decent links.

  14. Well maybe Sky could give a replay of MU – Leeds ? LOL.

    Well we were doomed to the internet anyway over here so nothings changed for us. Just hoping for a good link.

  15. i dont think sky were showing it at all. if you look at tonites schedule, nothing looks like it has been shoehorned in in place of the match.
    wheres the match .com only shows bbc showing the mancs match. so its streams then. myp2p has about 20 listed. any fox or espn usa or setanta usa feed will be fine. but failing that yestv (if its on) will have a ‘reliable’ stream even if its not the greatest bitrate.

    cmon the boys

  16. Guardian web site is saying that it is snowing in London and the match is in doubt. They have a pic of the Ems with snow. Very nice.

    I’m not going to make it. I might get there from the Midlands, but could well get stuck in London unable to get the late train back. Having spent one night on St Panc station I don’t want to do it again. Especially with temperatures below freezing, and me being an old timer.

    It has stopped snowing in Corby, and the sun is setting slowly in the west. (Just thought you would like to know).


  17. The game’s off.

    At least it will prevent the lowest ever attendance at the Emirates.

  18. So it’s officially postponed. Have to say I’m not really happy about this. A game in hand is like those people who like to set their time ten minutes earlier, so when they see the time they’ll always think ‘ah, am not late yet, still got ten minutes!’.

    But at least our players can rest a bit more for now. 🙂

  19. A game in hand…

    Actually it reminds me of the famous London saying. “A girl in the Strand is worth two in Shepherd’s Bush”.

    Or something like that.

    Never mind my faithful Gooners. I have an idea for an article in my head, and I will endevour to put it up on the site later this evening, UK time. I am sure that you will find it stunning, exciting, and most entertaining.

    On the topic of what happens to clubs after they hit the brick wall and everything falls on top of them.

  20. Tony – You’ve got to check out the story on BBC text about Man City recording a massive loss of £92.6 million for the 08 – 09 financial year. The loss is apparently due to the large sums spent on top class players. What top class players?

  21. I was having the idea to make a report of the game that was not played. 🙂 But in fact Tony has done this above.. 🙂

    And then to think that for a few moments after the Villa game, I really had thought of buying a ticket with my membershipcard and travel to London and stay over there. Lucky I didn’t take the chance…..

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