Exclusive full match report of Arsenal v Bolton; and this is the only place you can read it.

By Walter Broeckx

The starting line up was Almunia, Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Traore, Denilson, Diaby, Ramsey, Nasri, Arshavin and Eduardo.

Bolton kick off and launch a rocket at the Arsenal goal. The ball hits Almunia (who is still waving at the crowd behind his goal) on the back of his head and it goes out for a corner.  A stunning save, which does his confidence no harm at all.

In the second minute a great pass from Arshavin to Eduardo who turns majestically round his marker and then gives a back pass shot towards the goal. The keeper takes it in his arms and ref Webb mysteriously gives an indirect free kick to Arsenal. Eduardo then knocks a back heal to Almunia who scored his first ever goal for the club. 1-0 to the Arsenal.

After the game the FA charge Eduardo with cheating.

In the fifth minute Bolton has made their 32nd foul in the game. Free kick just outside the Bolton penalty area and Denilson shoots the ball so hard it travels through the net, through the advertising hoarding, and into the first row of the crowd. Webb  thinks it went wide.   Still 1-0.

Bolton make their 50th foul after 12 minutes and a huge cheer arose from the 17 visiting supporters.  It appears they have just broken their own record on this. A possible world record is in the making and the crowd sits up, alert.

Arsenal have some 85 % of the ball but the big snowman in the Bolton goal prevents further scoring.

Just before half time Arshavin who loves the conditions and who is having the time of his life decides to make it 2-0. Everyone agrees apart from one visiting supporter. The rest have left the stand to celebrate 125 fouls in one half after 40 minutes.

2-0 at half time.

Wenger gives a press conference at half time saying that MU will benefit from the FA cup exit next season when they play at home in the third round and lose to Chalfont St Giles of the Beezer Homes League. He also says that Chelsea will drop even more points this month.  It is suggested that he may face a prosecution for being a witch.

After half time the Arsenal back five stay in the dressing room as ref Webb gets the game  going.  Arshavin gets his second by dribbling his way past the 11 Bolton players. 3-0 to the Arsenal.

Seconds later Bolton make their 150th foul of the game.

Wenger has enough of it and walks on the field to have a word with the Ref. Wenger is sent in the stand at the visiting end and has to sit between the visiting fans for the rest of the game.  Six of them ask him for his autograph.  He obliges with a smile.

After this Arsenal kill off the game in fashion. They keep possession of the ball for 35 minutes without one Bolton player touching the ball or even coming near the ball. Maybe because Arsenal play the ball in their own half and the Bolton caretaker manager has forbidden the Bolton players to come over the half way line.

The Emirates goes wild and cheers the team on. The Mexican waves rolls round the Emirates and the Olééés-shouting are unstoppable.

Ref Webb gives some 15 minutes of extra time because according the new rulebook written by some guy named SAF.  Apparently this is now the minimum. In this period the Arsenal players go in the dressing room and the Bolton players don’t even notice it as they were too busy building a second large snowman in front of their goal.

The away fans boo their team off because they didn’t break the world fouling record over the 90 + 15 minutes. When the ref blows the end of the game the missing Arsenal players come out the dressing room in their leather jackets and jeans ready to spit in the general direction of any member of the Bolton staff.   None are available so they have a snowball fight.

Arsène Wenger leaves the visiting end and kicks a plastic bottle 3cm. Arsenal will be fined for this and Wenger is expected to get a ban till the end of the season.

What a night at the Emirates!

Editor’s note: It is a sad fact that not one blog reported this match, all of them choosing instead to repeat the media line that the game never took place.  It really is a sad day for the blogsphere when so many are taken in by the propaganda of the biased few from docklands.

Extras. Even stranger things happened one hundred years ago in 1910.  Read the story in Making the Arsenal.  Available from www.amazon.co.uk or from www.shop.firstandbest.co.uk You’ll find 3 pictures of the book on that site – choose the one either for UK, Rest of Europe, or Rest of the World.

19 Replies to “Exclusive full match report of Arsenal v Bolton; and this is the only place you can read it.”

  1. Great article, thanks for the laugh after the disappointment of not watching the gunners move 1 pt behind chelsea yesterday

  2. Ever so funny. This is the first time i’m commentin on this site n to tell the truth, i really enjoy all ur write up.
    I was at the match wit my great grand mother and my grand children. She was considerin takin up the coachin role @notlob. Y did u not report on the own goal scored by Webb dat was later cancelled after much protest n we’ll need player ratings

  3. you forgot to mention that after subs were used arsenal finished with a line-up with an average age of 9 years 7 months.Remarkable!

  4. A fair unbiased report but you missed the sending off of Davies after 10 mins. He of the queer-shaped head first pulled the shirt off poor Traore and then tried to remove the shorts off him to warrant a second yellow.

  5. Troy, no I don’t do predictions. This is the final score in another universe that runs almost simultaniously with others. I think I just found a gap between them.

  6. Well Nicky I must admit that because it was so cold a nice chap sitting next to me offered me his bottle to keep me warm. Well it contained something that warmed me up inside when I drunk it.
    But as I am not used to drinking any alcholic drinks I think I have missed some things as the stadium seemed to turn around and around and around and around at times. Next time I will buy my own drinks.
    So if some have seen other things that I missed, feel free to report..

  7. I think it is extremely unfair on Bolton to suggest that they would have missed out on the world record for fouls in a match. Personally I think Davies would have gotten close to it all by himself. If you are going to treat opposing teams with such contempt then you should just piss off. Honestly, Bolton would have failed to break that record…….HAH!!!!

    Bloody AKB’s.

  8. well done u didn’t include the hatrick of king henry and also the missing penalty of adebayor and a good save from kolo which almost turns goal.Gunners till infinity.

  9. Tony you didnt mention about our good old Rafa doing a jig with an Arsenal beach ball in the stands.. turns out he was supporting us.. he wants to make sure Bolton and Pompey are relegated this season so that his team doesnt get the axe!

  10. The Times today still seems to have Arsenal 4 points behind Chelsea so someone had better let them know about this. Seriously though, highly creative and very amusing idea. Next you’ll be telling us that PV4 will be joining the other Wenger offloads at Citeh. Oh Oh!

  11. Walter, excellent! I thought I was the only one graced to witness such a game. Now, Wenger will face the music at the FA. Do you think instead they would offer him the England job? The big snowman in Bolton goal was supposed to be Jusi’s replacement who refused to travel to London because he is afraid of big crowds. Davies actually is in prison for assaulting his ex coach, and BBC reported that his look alike in the game was an imposter.

  12. If a snowman does block the shot, is it a penalty or does it count as legitimate? I’m thinking about that Liverpool game with the beach ball.

  13. Now I understand why this site is called “UNTOLD ARSENAL”. The stories which no one ever tells. Thanks Walter for clearing my confusion over the name of this site.

    Tony I never knew you were so far sighted like LORD (you know). Great vision. Kudos to you and all the writers.

  14. And would you believe it, the report of the game turned up on the Jobs in Bolton web site.

    Here is what they said…

    arsenalbuzztap: Untold Arsenal >> Exclusive full match report of Arsenal v Bolton; and this is the only place you can read it. http://bit.ly/7lAuT0
    2010-01-07 · Reply

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