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August 2021

Pest Control: Sam Allerdyce

By Billy The Dog

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce has been warned by pest controllers that he is in their sights, and that he could be relocated to the slug department of London Zoo if he doesn’t behave himself.

Last season Sam Allardyce ran what the prudish press like to call a “foul-mouthed attack” on fans who criticise his team selection, calling the fans of the club he manages  “deluded” after a  game against giants Peterborough.  He then repeated his words in a press conference before losing a game to Reading.

Then he said,

“Negativity around here has been very much in the forefront recently, which has been strange for me because we have lost one in 12.”

But of course the notion of Mr A appearing anywhere near any sort of event in which athletic prowess is required is enough to get the Pest Squad on the march.   Now he is also saying that Stratford has been the “centre of a glorious fortnight of sport”, so West Ham under his suave guidance should get the ground.

One good thing about West Ham or indeed Tottenham having the stadium is that the running track will place spectators well away from the action – and it allows the track to be used for eradication purposes.

“We are looking at a moat filled with wild beasts,” said the head of pests.

Mr Allardyce says  the stadium and surrounding park will fall into decline without him being there.  He told the Times: “I know people think that I am a pest and in need of control, but if you look at my consumption of chewing gum you’ll see this is not the case.

“You only have to look around the world at some of the Olympic Stadiums that have been built. They’re full of people like me and there are weeds growing there. Look at the ‘Bird’s Nest’ in Beijing. Look at Athens.  Look at Southend on Sea.  Look at Clacton.  Look at Blackburn.  I was there you know.

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“The Olympic Park can’t be left to rack and ruin. If a club with the history and fanbase and potential of West Ham don’t go there, the concern would be that the park is left empty the vast majority of the time.  But I could fill that place on my own.

“I can understand some West Ham fans feeling that they don’t want to leave the history and tradition of Upton Park, but it’s an incredible opportunity for the club to move forward.

“Six years ago I threatened to sue the BBC.  I still haven’t done it.  That says something.”

Having dealt with Mr Adebayor and Barcelona there is no concerns about the Pest Team dealing with Mr Alledyce.   “We just need to get in extra supplies,” said the head of control.

“Lots of extra supplies.”

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23 comments to Pest Control: Sam Allerdyce

  • Sammy The Snake

    I can’t stand Fat Sam.

  • AnoyherFan

    LOL I burst out laughing when I saw the headline. So appropriate.

  • Matt Clarke

    Nice one Mr Dog.
    Sam really put the lard in Allardyce and he has such gravitas (a mixture of lard, gravity and gravy) that it is true he could fill the olympic stadium.
    I do hope that the Pest Control Team catch up with him as there is a real danger of Wa*ker’s crisps running out of lard. What would poor ole GaryGollumLinemaker do then?

  • Adam

    Why don’t both clubs ground share at the Olympic stadium whilst refurbishing their own grounds? Just a thought.
    With regards to SLUGS we use on our allotment these little blue pellets that magically transform into little dried up SLUGS????? Was wondering if there was a huge blue pellet out there????

  • Wayne

    At least spell his name right in the headline if your gona slag him off ha ha muppet !!

  • Finsbury

    Big Sam helps in the preparation for the Olympics:

    ‘He (Adam Gemili – teenage British Olympic sprinter) was very fast but he could also be a bit unpredictable. We played West Ham in a game and he knocked the ball past their fullback but kept on running…the opposition didn’t know what to do with him and just tried to kick him’.

  • RobL

    I think that the new Olympic Stadium would be a perfect home for West Ham, with no modifications.

    The running track means that the football loving Hammers fans would be a lot further away from the action and less likely to see what is going on – consequently less traumatised by the long ball shite currently being served up to them.

    Also the further away from the pitch, the reduced incidence of Neck RSI as the viewing angles for Allerdyce Moon Ball(TM) would be shallower.

  • Helen

    So I guess you all are aware of the refurbments that will be undertaken at the stadium to make it football-friendly – no thought not. Oh and it’s A-L-L-A-R-D-Y-C-E for those of you that cant spell.

  • Dagenham Dave

    LMFAO that was so funny, no seriously, you Arsewipes really do know how to amuse each other without getting each other’s cocks out

    Altogether now, “we hate Tottenham more than you”

  • I am absolutely convinced that in writing this humour piece Tony (a published author with a second book on the way) accidentally misspelled the Allardyce’s name. /sarcasm

    Oh the irony, calling the writer a muppet yet not getting the tone in which the article was written!

  • RobL

    @ Helen,
    Having watched far too much Allardyce moonball when he was @ Blackburn I feel I’ve earned right to spell his name any I feel, even if it includes 2 T’s a W and an A.

  • RobL

    @ Helen (again) I thought the stripping out of the top layer and reconfiguration plans were on hold until they went through a democratic bid process with all the interested parties for the different legacy options before handing it to West Ham anyway?

  • Adam
    I could be wrong but maybe the author meant Saint-John Allerdyce part of the EVIL MUTANT BROTHERHOOD.
    Kind of befitting really.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    I see that are many fans of ” Big ” Sumo Allerdyed here. Hope I’ve spelled his name right ! The sight of him masticating furiously on the sidelines during games is not one of my more memories of him ! It’s plain disgusting .
    Just glad that he left Blackburn early ; before he had learned to chew betel nuts ! Just imagine him letting fly squirts of belel juice all over the place !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Oops !…. pleasant memories of him !
    Before some ignoramus takes offence (not that I ‘d care !)
    by the above , I ‘d like them to know that 8 out of 10 Dentists recommend that you masticate well for at least
    5 – 10 minutes for better oral and general health !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Billy ,let me here warn you that Sam the Slug is very possessive and no matter what , never ,never touch his Wrigley’s !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    And Billy , since I ‘ve mentioned Sam and Blackburn (ergo-
    Venkys ), I just got to tell you this joke about -what else-
    Sam ,the old cockerel was getting behind in servicing the hens, so the farmer bought a young cockerel to help him. On his first day of duty ,the youngster tells Sam that they should line up the hens in a row and that he would start working (if you can call bonking work !) from one end while Sam could start from the other .
    So off goes the young stud .As he “does ” each hen he says,
    “Thank you ma’am “.And it goes at a quick pace ,”Thank you ,ma’am ; thank you, ma’am ; thank you ,ma’am ;thank you ,
    ma’am ;sorry Sam ! Thank you, ma’am ;thank you ma’am !

  • Gunnersbury

    You just know that Fat Sam is going to beat us again this season don’t you? He just knows how to exploit us and our usual six easy points against the ‘ammers will be no more.

  • Elvis Senthil

    Good one .
    Better get some heavy duty pest control to penetrate that flab.

    Sham A-Lard-Dyke

    I feel bad for WHU fans. a club like that certainly deserves better ….

  • insideright

    I noticed this week that West Ham have taken out full page ads in Metro trying to sell everything from corporate ‘packages’ to general admission season tickets. They were even trying to appeal to tourists in London for the Paralympics to ‘see a Premiership game at West Ham’.
    If they struggle so much to fill The Boleyn how would get on at Stratford? It’s all to do with selling stadium sponsorship presumably.

  • Armin

    ‘appy ‘arry, Grant, Chewing Sam, they really have no luck. I was even sorry when they were relegated…now I am sorry they are back.

  • J

    Not sure where all this Blackburn banter is coming from but is S Kean really any better. I would personally preffer to play shite football in the PL rather than shite football in the the Championship…..Same goes for Newcastle who were mid table before BFS got the chop, I know he’s a pain the the arse but Diarra is a massive signing, no idea why a top 6 side did not pick him up?

  • Stuart

    LOL @ Wayne, comment @ 8.13pm

    Atleast understnd the joke / irony before commenting on it. oops !! 🙂