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October 2020
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Montpellier v Arsenal cancelled due to Theo non-signature

Looking for a terraced house in Northamptonshire?

By Billy The Dog McGraw

Read most of the more serious English newspapers today and you will be hard pushed to realise that Arsenal are playing in their 15th consecutive Champs League.  In 13 of these the club has progressed to the knock about stages – but for goodness sake tell not any drunken journo you happen upon.

(Actually you could alternatively read the latest on the new upgraded www.goonernews.com which is looking rather swish these days)

Turn to today’s press and you will read a lot of how Theo has upset the entire club, caused earthquakes, set off two volcanoes and devastated parts of Peru with a tornado.  All seemingly because of a topless picture of him.  Or something like that.

It makes it hard if not impossible for Arsenal to reach Montpellier, as additional road blocks, chasms and photographers with two mile long lenses are out and about trying to snap the world’s latest childish attempt to stop Arsenal winning stuff.  Royal people with their kit off would be a diversion.

But, you will be asking, what of this Montpellier?  Is it a drink?  Is it a bird?  Or is it one of those strange parts of France that has no Gallic, Greek or Roman heritage to speak of.

It is of course just that.Visitors of the match will be faced with a mixture of Norwegian and Irish culture, much dating back to the middle ages.   There is also a strong Pirate influence in the town and natives often greet each other with the exchange:

“Why are Pirates called Pirates?”

“Because they just arrrrrrrrrrrrrr”

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(The alternative local wit goes: “How do you start the jelly olympics?”  And the answer is…

On your marks

Get set.)

The town was built by the Guilhem dynasty who created two hamlets known as the Tour des Pins and the Tour de la Babotte.   William VIII of Montpellier made it legal for anyone to sell medicine, thus making the local ibuprofen the cheapest in Europe.

It was then taken over by James III of Majorca who (due to an unfortunate typing error) has since been known as Jam Thrid.  Thrid it was who sold Majorca to Philip VI of France who sold it to Peter IV of Aragon who sold it to Urban VIII of Rome who sold it to BBC Wales for the making of Doctor Who episodes that needed outdoor scenes.

Subsequently the local populace was known as Huge Nots, before Louis XXXIIIXXIXIIXIIXIIIIXXXXX besieged the city in what is known as the Rude Siege local because of the habit of the local royalty going around topless.  [Stop it Billy!  Enough.  Editor]     The Esplanade was then built to receive Algerians who went to the Antigone district, which is close to the Anti-went district.

The name of the city which was originally Monspessulanus but drunk English journalists couldn’t spell it, so it is now called “Foreign”.  Actually it does have  mont pelé  which is not named after a footballer, but means something quite different and rather rude.  [I’ve warned you once…]

Montpellier Hérault Sport Club was founded by the Association Générale Sportive Montpelliéraine  to play simultaneously football, wugger, running, jumping and standing still, and they were very good.  When they took their kit off….

Right, enough, Tony here.  I’ll finish this.

From 2001–2004, Montpellier were in the second division, they returned to the first, and came 5th to get a place in the Europa.  Last year they won the league, with three pints of wine more than PSG.  Giroud was the league’s top scorer with 21.

This season has not started so well.   We may note Lyon in second place, managed by Remi Garde.

 P Won Draw Loss For Ag Goal Diff Pts
Olympique de Marseille 4 4 0 0 7 1 +6 12
Olympique Lyonnais 4 3 1 0 9 4 +5 10
Paris Saint-Germain 5 2 3 0 6 3 +3 9
Girondins de Bordeaux 5 2 3 0 5 3 +2 9
FC Lorient 4 2 2 0 9 5 +4 8
Valenciennes FC 5 2 2 1 6 3 +3 8
Toulouse FC 5 2 2 1 5 5 0 8
Stade de Reims 5 2 1 2 6 5 +1 7
AS Saint-Etienne 5 2 0 3 9 5 +4 6
OGC Nice 5 1 3 1 7 6 +1 6
LOSC Lille 5 1 3 1 7 7 0 6
SC Bastia 5 2 0 3 7 12 -5 6
Stade Brestois 29 5 2 0 3 5 10 -5 6
AC Ajaccio 4 2 1 1 3 3 0 5
Evian TG FC 5 1 1 3 6 7 -1 4
Montpellier Hérault SC 5 1 1 3 6 8 -2 4
AS Nancy Lorraine 4 1 1 2 2 5 -3 4
Stade Rennais FC 4 1 0 3 4 7 -3 3
FC Sochaux-Montbéliard 5 1 0 4 4 9 -5 3
ESTAC Troyes 5 0 2 3 5 10 -5 2

Montpellier coach Rene Giraud recently said,   “We need to waken up quickly because, if not, we are going to be in for a big fall on Tuesday against Arsenal. We are conceding silly goals. It is quite worrying.”

In their last match Montpellier lost 3-1 loss to just-promoted Reims on Friday.

Wojciech Szczesny is not playing, having been charged by Essex Police with having two unpronounceable names.  So the team is, or maybe not…

Mannone

Jenkinson; Vermaelen (c); Koscielny, Gibbs

Diaby, Cazorla, Arteta

Oxlade-Chamberlain, Gervinho, Podolski

I have put  Koscielny in for no reason than I think he needs a game.  Diaby obviously was ok for saturday but sat on the bench so he can play all of this game.   The reinvention of Gervinho as a centre forward is as unexpected to me at least, as the conversion of RVP as a number 9 last season or the appearance of royal dignatories showing their all.  [Who said that?  Come on. Own up.]  I doubt Theo will start until he signs a contract.

I look at that midfield and think, “oh my” and settle down to watch the game with a bottle of red wine and a smile on my face.
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33 comments to Montpellier v Arsenal cancelled due to Theo non-signature

  • Legolas

    thank u for this historical article 😛 its nice to read it .

  • ClockEndRider

    The last time I enjoyed a history lesson quite so much, Michael Bentine was providing it via some rather dubious hand puppets.
    Well played.

  • ARSENAL 13

    after a refreshing history article…..now to the present and off off off topic. “WHY ISNT RYO GETTING A START AT WIGAN??”

  • rusty

    Tony, I’d been wondering about Theo’s place in the team myself, and I think you’re likely spot-on, that it’s about showing him (and his agent?) that he needs to be more realistic about how important he is to the team.

    Also, I have to admit, the midfield has really ticked right along this year. While I definitely enjoyed Song’s runs and combativeness last year, Arteta brings a completely different game to the role, and I’ve enjoyed his work there immensely. Maybe after watching Pirlo and Xabi Alonso in the Euros this past summer, Wenger felt that the era of the “Makelele type” has ended.

    @ARSENAL_13 Agreed with regard to Ryo. It seemed like he got a lot of games at the beginning of his spell at Bolton last year, but then tired out, so hopefully he’s using the time to develop under Roberto Martinez, rather than just languishing in a training room or something.

  • nicky

    Tony,
    The more I read of Billy the Dog McGraw the more I like his style.
    If he’s not a Gooner he’s clearly a Goon.

  • alex

    Yeah !!!!
    What a lovely title you put.I like it.
    Thanks.

  • Ong Bing

    Thanks for the article Billy, like it.

    I hope Arsene saved Diaby for City. We need everybody fit for City and Chelski.

    This season Montpellier starts is not good. I hope we can take 3 points in their home.

  • Shard

    Wenger’s closing in on 16 years in charge, but tonight Steve will be Bouldly going where he hasn’t gone before. We might also hear from him in the press conference? Pat Rice did the presser last time Wenger’s annual match ban kicked in.

    I don’t expect it to be much of an issue. Bould is very much capable of becoming manager according to Wenger himself. However when Wenger comes back, for Steve’s Arsenal managerial career it’ll very much be a case of, Hair today, gone tomorrow. But he (and we) won’t care.

  • LRV

    Oh dear! Billy, I hope you are not drunk, again. Anyway, I enjoyed your history lesson even if I admit I got lost somewhat ( at least you are not this time). You should have listened to Tony though. lol!

  • DocBrody

    Arteta’s maturity and discipline should be credited as major contributing factor toward our strong defense this year. He does not get sucked forward the way Song did. Podolski deserves credit as well for his willingness to cover for Gibbs (are you taking notes Arshavin?). Ignoring Walcott’s inability to live up to his potential, and looking strictly at his stats over the last 2 seasons, I would like to see him stay. He is a decent player – not as good as he should or could be, but he is not crap either.

  • Ugandan Goon

    @The editor (bloody fascist),
    please, please let the dog roam, so to speak, he will occasionally find his way home i.e get to the point, this censorship on education and information might be alright in china and Russia, but in England, we are a nation of animal lovers esp. dogs and billy is a dog(?).
    You are likely to find yourself in hot soup if you continue to make a dogs dinner of billy’s fine work.Not a threat but a WARNING!!!!!!

  • So the boy Giroud plays against his old club. Billy’s selection is wrong. Mind you the Sky panel watching Arsenal tonight includes Glenn Hoddle, and Tony Adams, so Billy is in good company. Mert plays not Kos.

  • Ejor

    LMAO!!@ the reason for Szczesny’s arrest.

  • Adam

    I was told it was Thera that blew it’s top and the Arsenal supporting Greek government changed the name of the hole left to Santorini. Gotta love them Greeks. They also stated the nudists are welcome on it’s volcanic slopes But have issued a tsunami warning, It should hit Montpellier around 7.45pm

  • Ong Bing

    OMG, penalty for Montpellier! We down 0-1

  • Shard

    we’re fighting the referee today

  • Ong Bing

    Holly sh*t!

    Arsenal makes two goals in 2 minutes.
    Back in bussiness, we lead 2-1

  • Ong Bing

    Poldi first, Gerv second.
    Oh, we need Robin sooooo much!

  • dan

    estrada,cabella looking good!!!

    We haven’t turned up 2nd half.

  • Ong Bing

    Strange substitution, Ramsey for Giroud.

    Not good for Giroud.

  • Ong Bing

    No more goals.
    End with 2-1 for Arsenal.

  • WalterBroeckx

    When the going get though, the though kept on going!

  • Ong Bing

    Ehm, one media wrote, Abou booked was CL records, 21 seconds.

    That was bonus for our win tonight. 🙂

  • Shard

    This was a vintage performance. A Graham era vintage. Perhaps because Bould was giving the half time talk? 😀

    Too bad Wenger doesn’t share Jose’s propensity towards snuggling between dirty socks and jockstraps in order to get into the changing room. But then again, it’s not like Team Maureen would ever play better football than that. Probably the stink of the dirty socks never left Mourinho’s nose either. That’s why he always has that expression.

  • aztecgunner

    Again with Ajaccio…!?!?!?!? lol…only reason I see it is becuase they have Ochoa…

  • bjtgooner

    Good result, but the second half was bad for my blood pressure.

  • Sav from Australia

    LOL @

    “Why are Pirates called Pirates?”

    “Because they just arrrrrrrrrrrrrr”

    Why did you stop Billy the Dog, Tony, he was on a roll, lol.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Thanks Billy for having the guts for baring all !Glad you didn’t cover up anything and allowed all the facts (?) to be revealed !
    History is all about exposure to the masses .Nothing should remain hidden . Abracadabra ! Voila ! Open sesame ! Spring forth and be set free !
    Felt like a right boob for not reading this earlier but still
    was tittering furiously till the end !
    Thanks again Billy ,and to you, Tony ,for this eye popping spectacle and breast wishes to all !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Which brings us to an old medical joke – when asked why breast milk is better than formula (or tinned )milk , among the answers were –
    1) Its easily available.
    2) Its cheaper .
    3) No mixing required .
    4) It comes in attractive containers .
    And best of all –
    5)The cat cannot get at it !

  • nicky

    Surprisingly, one of the best early moments of the game which pleased me was Diaby’s foul and booking. After so many injuries, to see him go in with such a tackle, without thought of hurt, showed me that this dynamic member of the team is well and truly back.
    OK, he nearly caused a calamity later on, but the whole team were under an unexpected onslaught for most of the second half.
    As usual these days, the defence held up well, probably more frightened of the glowering looks from Steve Bould at pitch-side, than the opposition.

  • ARSENAL 13

    after a brilliant display on sunday…….this. I like it. YEAH Gunners lets win it ….UGLY.

  • WalterBroeckx

    Nicky, a foul that many refs in the PL would not even call a foul when against Arsenal 😉 They could give it as it was Diaby but still…

  • Domhuaille MacMathghamhna

    I can’t stop laughing Billy….by the way Montpelier is an abbreviation of montagne and Pelier which translated means the mountain that Sky commentators just excreted!