Billy the Dog McGraw’s Postcard from Porto
First thing to notice out here is that the locals don’t speak English to each other – they speak Euro. This is a bit of a pain because it means you have to shout all the time to be understood. Seems a bit perverse to me, but there you go.
Anyway I am getting the hang of it and it means that I can now talk to Walter in his own lingo…
H – E – L – L – O W – A – L – T – E – R M – E O – L – D M – A – T – E
G – R – E – E – T – I – N – G – S F – R – O – M F – O – R – E – I – G – N P – A – R – T – S
Actually I must be near Walter’s house, what with being abroad and everything. Maybe I will drop in.
Porto play in the Estádio do Dragão which in real language is Dragon’s Petrol Station. I told the gaffer in charge, “if you call it what it is then your crowds would go up because people could say it.” They get 50,399 people in it – so compared to the Ems its a bit on the small side.
It cost 97 million Euros (that their local equivalent of the pound, not their language) to build, and lots of that came from the local tax payer. That’s the way to do it. Just like Manchester City, except they are not run by Arabs.
Tell you what though, these postcards are a bit small, I’m going to have to get another one. Hang on a min.
Postcard 2
Like all foreign clubs they have supporter groups who hate each other more than they hate other clubs – there’s the “SuperDragões” and “Colectivo Ultras 95”. Apparently they stand at each end and shout at each other. Bit like the clock enders and the north bank I suppose.
Which makes me think – why don’t we put all the doom and gloomers down one end of the ground and the Positivists up the other end?
Anyway turns out Porto is a city, not just a shortened name for Portugal, so you have to take care and make sure your plane goes to the right place. We flew Easy Junk and managed to get on a flight after only sixteen cancellations. They dropped us off in Bolton, and we took the coach the rest of the way.
The Estádio do Dragão is in the northeast of the city centre on Avenida Fernão de Magalhães which in English means the Street where Ferdie makes the Margaritas – but he didn’t seem to be at home. Right now, another postcard at this point…
Postcard the thrid
FC Porto’s local rivals are Celtic who apparently they beat in a cup game in 2003. By Aresnal’s standards they are a young side having been found, lost, found, lost and found again in 1893 by a wine salesman Antònio Nicolau de Almeida who is related to our goalkeeper.
He is in fact a maverick shoe retailer with a difficult home life who is remembered for his efforts in killing giant mutant lizards by asking them onto Blind Date.
However under his guardianship so much wine was drunk that the club fell into the sea which caused world-wide desalination, and led to most supporters sailing away in a big ship. The club had to be revived in 1906 by Monteiro da Costa who invented coffee. He was a nerd blogger who rode a bike to the stadium with a funny helmet on his head. Hence his nickname, El Bonco.
His brother Pinto da Costa, a maverick publican with Tourettes, is now in charge despite being 205 years old.
Since 1982, Porto has won 17 titles, the others being won by Torquay United, Wood Green Town, and Barnet Excelsior, mostly by blowing up anyone who gets in the way. More space needed
Postcard 4
When the club ran into financial problems in the mid 1990s they were saved by Jonathan Creek. A sudden flurry of Higgs Bosons hit central Spain and spread west, leading to the near extinction of humanity in the region, the outbreak of packs of hedgehog-eating Captain Mainwarings, and disruption to the Circle Line.
Since then Porto has been run by a committee of dolphins who have been remarkably successful at blowing up anyone who threatens to beat the team. Depolination remains a problem.
Love and Kisses
Billy the Dog.
RUMOUR OF THE DAY
Gerry Sutcliffe, the minister for Sprot (originally sport but they stuck the letters on his door on in the wrong order) told the Guardian that “there remain tough questions for the football authorities on what more they need to do to tackle the issues around leveraged debt, takeovers and strengthening the financial goverernance of football clubs.”
He then said that since one bunch of slimey cheating drunk criminal moat owners are already wrecking football we don’t need another so the government will not get involved. Instead they will set up a Football Regulatory Authority which will be made up of representatives from the FA, EPL, players union, and government.
And guess what – apart from the comment in the first sentence of the second paragraph, this rumour is just about true, although the final decision on the new Authority has not been taken yet.
Makes you think.
(c) Tony Attwood 2010
OTHER NEWS
We’re slowly solving the question of Arsenal’s reserves at the start of the 20th century Read the latest
Why did Arsenal move to Highbury and not somewhere else?
Making the Arsenal. The story of how the modern Arsenal was made. A must for every Arsenal fan with a sense of humour.
From Man U to Mansfield – how football is falling apart and what three guys have done to stop it. Read here.
Been drinking?
Lol two great articles back to back. But bad news is we are going to be missing arshavin song gallas Eduardo and almunia tomorrow… This could get interesting unfortunately…
oh yeah them Higgs Bosons i remember them……
“William Gallas has a calf injury. Alex Song has a knee injury. Andrey Arshavin has a hamstring injury. Manuel Almunia has a finger injury, and the hand is quite useful for goalkeepers. Eduardo has a recurrence of his hamstring injury. We tried to push him through.” said Wenger.
oh no this is worse than the higgs bosons…………
Billy, Could you get some Margaritas for our boys so the injuries could stop?
Dont you worry my little ol China’s me beauty, The Great Lord Wenger has sent his private jet over for me and I’m in the squad.
Actually I have just been on another site for reasons that escape me ath this time, and it is full of “That’s us done then” and “Out of the euros for sure” comments.
If we could find a way to bottle and export depression, and if we could find a market for it, then we could make a fortune because there’s tons of the stuff just laying about all over the Arse-blog-sphere.
Billy (sent via AstroSat and Tony)
@roy. lol. yeah i reckon he’s had a few. cheered me up tho.cheers
Haha lol good stuff.
Been drinking ? That’s how we know our Billy.
Barcelona had 6 injured players and they dispair. We got 8 and some half fit players but I have confidence in the players left and they should be able to bring home a result.
But must admit that we all would have hoped for all our players fit again but… well that’s Arsenal’s life….
Sir Tony…or is it Billy this time? Nice and fun, very refreshing indeed. Those foreigners, having you shout that loud, are they deaf too then? … Ok, I run into this issue here in the US. Some people start speaking loud when they realize english is not your first language. Funny, I had to politely tell them that I’m not deaf and smile. Oh and the coffee invention thing “1906 by Monteiro da Costa who invented coffee”, I thought the word coffee came from an Ethiopian region called ‘Keffa’ where it was discovered first. Becareful now,we are hangging onto every word you utter these days.
Sir Tony…or is it Billy this time? Nice and fun, very refreshing indeed. Those foreigners, having you shout that loud, are they deaf too then? … Ok, I run into this issue here in the US. Some people start speaking loud when they realize english is not your first language. Funny, I had to politely tell them that I’m not deaf and smile. Oh and the coffee invention thing “1906 by Monteiro da Costa who invented coffee”, I thought the word coffee came from an Ethiopian region called ‘Keffa’ where it was discovered first. Becareful now,we are hangging onto every word you utter these days.
Forgot to write great post! Can’t wait to seeing the next post!
” a maverick publican with Tourettes, ” -how refreshing to hear from a articulate tourist ,a better class than those brainless ,shirtless and clueless louts who invade Europe during the football season.I can just imagine Billy’s stubby fingers holding onto that crayon as he gingerly waxes lyrical of his exploits and shares his insight with us and changes history as we know it.Hold on to those postcards – they will be worth a pretty penny in time to come.
Looking forward to his further posts as the Arsenal go on to win the Champions League.