Sunderland v Arsenal from the cty f n vwls

The books…

The sites…


By Billy the dog McGraw

Sndrlnd is a diminutive principality based on an island in the North Sea from which both urban guerillas and vowels have been almost totally erradicated.

The name of this idyllic islet comes from Soender-land, meaning a little land carved out of the beautiful river with coal dust floating downstream.

The region was settled by Benedict Biscop of Monkwearmouth who invented the frozen pea and the seed drill, before moving to Bishopwearmouth after he was found out.

In 1179 the little fishing village gained a charter, and the area has remained unspoiled and unchanged to this day, save for the slag heaps.

In the 14th century Triffids were discovered roaming in the local rivers, and after a short battle a peace treaty was arranged in which the Triffids agreed to move to Gateshead while in return the natives agreed to abandon the use of all vowels, thus renaming the area Sndrlnd.

Local people are thus known as Mckm – a word meaning “hunter – gatherer” or “basement flat” depending on which dictionary you use.

Sometime between 4,000BC and 2,000 BC Sndrlnd became a centre of ritual burial (or rtl brl as it is known locally).   According to some the first football team in the area was formed in a Roman settlement on the Wear.  Evidence for this is the existence of the Vaux Brewery where they made ale and old cars.

Meanwhile many of the local chiefs won talent competitions like King Ecgfrith who won the “silliest name for a king north of Watford” 20 years in a row.

After this the Codex Amiatinus was created by V Bead (the father of English football’s famous V formation) and it is now reprinted once every two weeks under the imaginative title of Match Day Programme.  In deference to tradition, the handbook for the season is known as  Historia ecclesiastica gentis Anglorum

Then came the Vikings, everyone worshipped Thor, football was played on a Thursday and ships were built on Mondays and coal mining plus sheep dipping were invented.   Part of the area was renamed Hendon, after the London Borough of Chiswick.

Tthen in 1644, the Marquess of Newcastle invaded Scotland, and Parliament blocked the River Tyne thus creating The Fog.  Ownership of The Fog was hotly disputed and the keel was invented.

The city then contracted cholera and everyone decided to donate that too to Gateshead and the locals demanded democracy.  Education was introduced in 1901, and the hospital opened in 1923 ready for the bombing from 1939 onwards.   By 1985 100% of the population were either employed or unemployed – a remarkable achievement.

In footballing matters, I met Dennis Bergkamp as usual at his allotment in Enfield and he told me that Jack Wilshere (the Great Hope of English Football) and Theo Walcott were left almost uninjured for the first time ever following the internationals (although some are saying that Theo is doubtful because he has a foot).   Thomas Vermaelen won’t be back while we actually have a striker in form: Olivier Giroud (five in his last four).  Although let us not forget Lukas Podolski has had four goals and  six assists in his last eight games.

Martin O’Neill’s great claim to fame came when Aston Villa were within spitting distance of the top four finish, and MO took a reserve team for a Europa game in Russia.  Villa duly got beaten and then slid down the league, and finished somewhere around 92nd while Arsenal marched onwards and upwards.  MN then blamed the Villa owner who left in a huff – which is a very short space of time.  It may not have been a huff.  It may have been a minute and a huff.

MN has told his players to crock Jack, although the newspapers express this as him having “warned his players to be wary of Jack Wilshere’s influence.” “Wilshere’s come on in leaps and bounds and he can cause us problems,’ he is alleged to have said.  “He’s come back from injury and added another dimension to his game. He’s got that little burst of pace which kind of reminds me of Liam Brady.”

For Sndrlnd Lee Cattermole is probably still injured; Connor Wickham is on loan and winger James McClean is almost certainly out. Carlos Cuéllar might be fit.   Sunderland’s Craig Gardener is the most booked player this season, with 8 yellows.

And thus our team is (maybe) (perhaps)


Sagna, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Monreal;

Arteta, Diaby;


Walcott; Giroud; Oxlade-Chamberlain. says Koscielny might play, but Vermaelen is def out.  If Koscilny is unavailable, and Coquelin does not make a last minute recovery then either Sagna or Iggy Miquel can play in the middle with Jenkinson on the right.  The papers have said Walcott has a foot injury, but Mr Wenger didn’t seem concerned.

Elsewhere Ramsey is fit, but Gervinho has only just got back from his hols in Africa.

Subs down on the beach: Mannone, Yennaris, Miquel, Santos, Ramsey, Gnabry, Rosicky, Arshavin

And now the silly stats.  Sndrlnd have scored 14 home goals, the least, the lowest, the smallest number, the fewest goals, at the Inky Black Stadium other than those at the bottom of the League.   They have scored 26, and we have scored 51 at home.

Three  Arsenal players have scored over 10 goals this season – Walcott has 18, Giroud has 14 and Podolski has 12.  The top man for Sunderland is Steven Fletcher with 10.

Arsenal have not lost to Sunderland in the league since November 2009, and we have not failed to score since their 2-0 defeat to Man City on January 13, 7 games ago.

Three Arsenal players have scored over 10 goals this season – Walcott has 18, Giroud has 14 and Podolski has 12, compared to Sunderland’s one – Steven Fletcher has 10.

Sunderland have only won two league games consecutively once this season in December against Southampton and Man City.   And Sunderland’s Craig Gardener is the most booked player this season, with 8 yellow cards.

The last thing is the last three so here at last it is

  • Arsenal 0 Sunderland 0, Premier League, August 2012
  • Sunderland 2 Arsenal 0, FA Cup, February 2012
  • Sunderland 1 Arsenal 2 (Ramsey, Henry), Premier League, February 2012

Bye bye. (c) 1754, Billy le chien.

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40 Replies to “Sunderland v Arsenal from the cty f n vwls”

  1. We read a piece about Cazorla burn out, so eventually dropped him from the team, and was supposed to put him on the bench, but Silly Billy forgot to do that.

    There’s no inside information on Cazorla, with Arteta, Cazorla and Diaby all fit as well as Cazorla, someone has to lose their place.

  2. Looks like another attack VS defense perhaps.

    I know I am still half a awake, but why the No Vowels thing — straight over my head.

    By the way, Arsenal’s scoring record; so good you typed it twice?

  3. Really excellent Post! 🙂

    The lost vowels translates perfectly to the way ‘outsiders’ like me hear the way the Mackems speak!

    I know the story of the hanging of the hapless Spanish monkey is attributed to Hartlepool, but I think the Mackems further along the coast framed them!! Any people happy to give up their vowels, could never tell the difference between a monkey and a Spanish sailor of the Armada! 🙂

  4. Cheers Billy,a great slice of Saturday humour at Untold! Can we have a collected “works” at the end of the season, like?

    The true story about the monkey at Hartlepool was that it was a scouser dressed in blue,got lost at sea and later ended up as a manager for the Mackems some years later, like…

  5. Hilarious post Billy!–Red, I heard that the true story of the monkey was that it was a scouser that wore blue, got lost at sea and eventually ended up as the Mackem manager,like!

  6. Taking Jack off is a precaution, or is he injured? Three and a half minutes into the second half, it sounds like someone was instructed to remove Jack from play.

    Or, if you remove the vowels. Tkng Jck ff prctn, r s h njrd? Thr nd hlf mnts nt th scnd hlf, t snds lk smn ws nstrctd t rmv Jck frm ply.

  7. Hope wilshere is not injured,that high knee might have caused him something.If only Wenger cold do what he has done today play Sagna in the middle of defense . We need such changes. Change when the opposing team does not expect you to.Especially when playing teams like manure.
    Ramsey is tired he needs to be substituted.Diaby is too tired even to pass.

  8. Wilshere was stung by a Triffid and so taken off for an injection. Jenkinson was also attacked by an alien entity, but the ref didn’t see it.

  9. The BBC said Jenkinson was shown a straight red. A fan twitted:
    > “Considering how many chances the referee gave Lee Cattermole in the first half, to give Carl Jenkinson a second booking is a joke.”

    Or, in Mkm:
    > “Cnsdrng hw mny chncs th rfr gv L Cttrml n th frst hlf, t gv Crl Jnknsn scnd bkng s jk.”

  10. Really looking forwards to the ref review on this one.

    In other news it might have been bad for the heart, but a great backs to the wall win.

  11. I am so far relying on sound commentary. No doubt Jenkinson’s 2 yellows were correct, but it sounded as if Sunderland were getting away with deliberate tactics of kicking lumps out of our players. Even Phil Thomson on Sky update commented on a series of bad fouls by Cattermole alone. (yet another one who is not “that kind of player”).

    Apparently, Cazorla, Wilshere and Walcott were targeted.

    So much for consistent refereeing.

    But a great win. Sounds as if we should have scored many more goals, but positive news is an apparently heroic defensive performance when we were down to 10 men.

  12. More BBC trivia. Cazorla’s goal was the 50th league goal for Arsenal this season. Jenkinson’s red card is the 93rd red card an Arsenal player has received since the Wenger era started. The BBC has corrected (sort of) their lack of commentary about the card, they now say the dismissal was for a second bookable offence, not a straight red.

  13. Good performance, esp considering we played over 35min with 10 men.

    Not happy with the ref, too many unpunished Sunderland fouls. This is becoming a concern now; our last 6 or 7 games have had incidents where we get punished, while the opposition get away with it from similar offences.

  14. Tony, if i remember John Wyndham correctly, triffids always strike at the eyes first so I think they got to the ref before anyone else.
    If anyone hasn’t read the book, you should.

  15. Thank you Southampton. I would like to see a tie (preferably scoreless) between Everton and ManU tomorrow.

  16. Great win – we were against 12 rather than 11 today, Martin O’Neill should be ashamed of his thugs.

    Our guys stuck to their game really well & didn’t allow pressure or the plonker of a ref to get to them.

    Lets hope Jack is OK.

  17. The BBC says Sunderland committed 6 fouls and Arsenal committed 13.

    That doesn’t sound accurate from what people are saying.

  18. Pat, its perfectly accurate if you realise for every foul the ref blew for, they committed maybe 2 or 3 that he didn’t.

  19. From

    > on Wilshere’s knock…
    > It was a big kick on the thigh. He couldn’t walk. He doesn’t walk properly now. I hope it’s four or five days [until he’s back].

  20. Amazing to think Martin oneill was once managed by one
    Of the greatest of all. I firmly believe MON is one of the most limited managers in this league amazed his club have not yet also come to that conclusion

  21. Does Cattermole have a relative at The Guardian?

    > If this was an off day in the visitors’ attacking department, Lee Cattermole proved his reliable self. It was no surprise to see the midfielder, newly restored to Martin O’Neill’s side following his most recent knee trouble, receive a third-minute booking for a late, wild challenge on Aaron Ramsey. Forget the suspensions, if Cattermole does not learn to intercept rather than keep on diving in so brainlessly he will be in danger of wrecking his knees permanently.

    Why is TheGuardian so worried about just another goon on the field?

  22. Sndrlnd were educated in 1901? I find that very believable since what they played today was nothing short of prehistoric football.

  23. Really important win seeing as Spuds are refusing to crumble. So pleased O’Neill never became Arsenal manager, his abilities have always been exaggerated in my opinion. Sunderland are similar to Stoke, confuse brutal with beautiful when it comes to football.

    Great to see Diaby still upright and hope Wilshire’s removal is more precautionary than essential.

    A win up north is never easy for us so well done Arsenal.

  24. I remember that MOLE being the next big thing in British football, before one certain Welshman ran circles around him. He was tormented by the finesse of this Welshman, who happens to play for ARSENAL now.

    No wonder Ramsey is ridiculed at every misplaced pass.

  25. We’re eagerly waiting for Bale to do his hamstring. He scored the Totts’ last 4 goals. Whoever remembers a one-man team…

  26. Another set of games almost finished (I’m hoping for a Liverpool, West Brom tie, preferably scoreless). I was disappointed to see Aston Villa win today. Reading at least tries to play football, Last weekend’s relegation zone was all non-football: QPR, Aston Villa and Wigan.

    There is still a mathematical possibility for QPR to finish higher than ManCity, but the 46 goal deficit in +/- is going to be difficult for QPR to deal with. Wigan, Reading and Aston Villa still have a mathematical chance of finishing higher than Man City with 12 games yet to play.

    Reading a few articles about QPR, it seems that Arry is an expert at taking penalties, but is not going to instruct his players in this. Apparently someone has put in a 12 million pounds bid for Samba, when QPR is relegated in a couple of months. Or not, you can’t trust the media these days. Almost all media wrote up articles about games this weekend, showing Arsenal wearing yellow tops. I seen one article in the UK, where Arsenal was wearing nominally red tops. Special filter on the camera?

    I think it is going to take some very unusual games in the remainder of the season to keep ManU from giving SAF his 20th title (or as bob says, the Rednose XX). But, we are starting to see more leeway in terms of who finishes 2, 3 and 4, which gives us more of a chance in being in the top 4, to keep this long run of Champions League going.

    In any event, I continue to hope for Arsenal wins, and unexpected draws or losses for other teams.

  27. Relegation and promotion.

    What would happen if the rules were not quite as simple as far as promotion and relegation goes?

    Let’s say that 3 teams will be relegated: the team with the fewest points, the team with the worst goal difference (or the second worst, if the fewest points holds that), and the team outside of those two which has the poorest goal difference times points.

    As in the current system, the team with the fewest points will be relegated. But, a team at the bottom with a noticeably larger goal difference problem, could find themselves forced into trying to win their last few games by many goals, in order to avoid relegation. As many of those teams tend to “park the bus”, it could be interesting to see such a team construct a line-up where they win a game by +2 or more goals.

    On the promotion side, one would have the most points, the largest goal difference, and what? Beside finishing first, or having the largest goal difference, what property of a teams play might one want to reward in terms of promotion? One that comes to mind, is the largest goal difference in a game. Or maybe extenuating circumstances happen too often, and so one looks at the goal difference across the pair of games (home/away)?

  28. More relegation/promotion

    FIFA keeps talking about Fair Play. For relegation, the team with the lowest number of points (and worst goal difference) which has the largest number of red cards (cards in total, fouls that require a direct free kick, …). For promotion, the team with the largest number of points (and best goal difference) which has the fewest number of red cards, ….

    But, across these 3 comments, doesn’t that make for an interesting run up to the end of the season? The poorest team is relegated and the best team is promoted. And while 2 other teams will be promoted or relegated, those decisions are based on offensiveness (goal difference) and fair play (red cards, yellow cards, direct free kick fouls, indirect free kick fouls, offsides).

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