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Arsenal to sign 10 players this summer!

By Billy the Dog McGraw

I asked for transfer rumours and I got them…

“An Unknown Source claims Radamel Falcao’s Agent has held talks with Arsenal over possible signing of his client for a reported fee of £60m  and that talks are in advanced stage and the Columbian would be heading to Emirates at the end of current season on a 4 year deal rumoured to be around £15m a year.”

Oh yes we are up and running with rumours supplied by Untold Readers.  So let’s continue…

Reds! on Red Alert!

The lacklustre and luckless Reds! of Arsene’s Arsenal are on a volcanic Red Alert! today!!

We can exclusively! reveal that they are set to complete a transfer deal for the hottest talent in the country – and probably the world!

Insider sources in Whitehall have informed us that Arsene Wenger has single-handedly negotiated a £500m pound bargain deal for the young talent of Jack Wiltshire.*!!!!

The transfer of their own current number 10 star English! youngster who plays for England!! must be seen as a tremendous boost for Arsene’s flailing team and will boost morale for sure in the camp.

This will also be a snub for other top teams throughout Europe who had all expected to be able to sign the young star at will.

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The deal is expected to be formally announces at the next WI meeting in Cheshunt.  But remember that you saw it here first!!!

* – this is the correct spelling, never mind what his birth certificate says, I have heard so many football commentators say it this way – it must be true!!!


Reading (that is the action of looking at text and making sense of it, rather than the town) is something of a declining art among some football fans, which is why increasingly web sites are not writing about players so much as giving you Arsenal’s ten top targets in pictures.

Pesky things those words!  Especially if you work for the Times!!! But now even the Daily Telegraph, home to the stories about naughty vicars, and natural home ground for big game hunters in Gloucestershire and Cumbria, is now running pics on its web site of the players who will be, maybe, perhaps, coming to Arsenal this summer.

So, I hear you ask, who is top of the list Telegraph list of transfers?  Well since Untold does words more than pictures** here we go

David Villa from Barcelona.  He is 31 (which is normally the age Mr Wenger sells players at, rather than the age at which he buys them in) and as we all know he is a Striker with a capital S.  And they say he will cost  £14m.    The Telegraphy has inside information that he is “keen on a move” but Arsène Wenger has played down speculation after trying and failing to seal a deal in January.

Christian Benteke from Aston Villa is next.  He’s 22 so at least in the right age range, and is a striker who will cost us £11m.   Oh yes and he’s an Arsenal fan.  Apparently we have signed him as long as Villa are relegated.

But you cannot stay long away from old men at Barcelona.  Here’s another one…

Victor Valdes and he is only 31 which doesn’t matter because he plays in goal, and will only cost £10m.   The “shot-stopper” as the drunken literati call “goalkeepers” for reasons that I have never quite grasped (goal keeper is accurate, “shot stopper” is only occasionally accurate) has had enough of Spain and is not hanging around.

Next on the Telegraph list is Victor Wanyama, but he’s been done to death in transfer rumours, so this is now “old news”.  But that never stops the Telegraph who having called Valdes a shot stopper called Wanyama a “midfield powerhouse”.  Oh for God’s sake.

But the Telegraph can’t stay off keepers for long its Pepe Reina who is either coming to Arsenal or going to Barca so Valdes can come to Arsenal.  Only £10m though.

Stephan El-Shaarawy is at least a newish name.  He’s 20, plays for AC Milan as a striker but is more likely to stay where he is than come to London according to the DT.  So not much of a transfer rumour really.

Stevan Jovetic could be on his way from Fiorentina.  Man City are no longer interested, although we don’t know why – he’s only 23.  He’s a… well yes it has to be a keeper or a striker, and he’s the latter.  Arsenal are “front runners”.

Etienne Capoue – at last a player who is neither a goal keeper nor a striker.  He’s 24 and from Toulouse and plays as a defensive midfielder.  He’s £12m and apparently we tried to sign him in January.

We’re getting down to the players who were included because the Telegraph man said he would write up 10 players, but could only find eight.  So at  number nine it is Nicolas N’Koulou, who plays for Marseille at centre back and costs £10m.

Sebastian Rode is the final name – from Eintracht Frankfurt, is 22, plays central midfield, costs £7m and is wanted by Tottenham.

All, none, some, who knows.  It is all made up anyway.

** You know that old slogan that a picture is worth 10,000 words.  Well, it originated from an advertising campaign for a design agency in Chicago in the 1930s.   The only thing that worried me is – if a picture is worth 10,000 words, why didn’t the company put up a picture, instead of the slogan.

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16 comments to Arsenal to sign 10 players this summer!

  • Adam

    Top dog Billy.

  • J

    You’re trying to

    This email came through showing a non-existent address so was blocked as per our standard policy

  • Dleo

    Please refer to the nationality as Colombian. columbian denominates people from British Columbia in Canada or the District of Columbia in the US and to students from Columbia university but not for the country.
    Anyways, most of these rumors are rubbish, quite laughable!

  • yayayay ya!it will be better but unless i see them in emirates,,,,

  • one sweet left

    Arsenal should play every day of the year…
    this would presumably lead to us being in more competitions, therefore more chances of winning sliver and we’d be too busy looking at games to look through redundant newspapers…
    like the times with all those pesky words they like using.

    by the way I read in the daily bulge that qatar is going bust because their new range of carpets don’t fly around corners so well, this will lead to barca having to sell lionel richie with MFI (the powerhouse of mali football) the front runners. I thought you’d have a picture?

  • nicky

    @ Guillaume le Chien,
    Surprised (and disappointed) you made no mention of Justin Welby as a potential addition to our midfield.
    He couldn’t play on Sundays of course.

  • akasuna00

    I wouldn’t mind Jovetic of course..

  • Florian

    I hear next on the list Arsenal are going to transfer themselves:)

  • theshadow

    wilfried bony & toby alderweireld as well!

    no-one as an arsenal fan has even mention these yougster

  • Amit

    Hey Billy

    I was suprised u picked my post to start ur article people dont realise its very simple thing that anybody and everybody can link any player to our club which is frustuating and sad and thank you for acknowledging my post from your previous article appreciate it


  • Gord


    Nobody in western Canada would call someone from British Columbia, a Columbian. Nobody! Population probably 5-6 million. None would call that person a Columbian. Most people call British Columbia, BC. I’ve never been to the District of Columbia, but most people seem to refer to that as DC. Please tell us where we need to go, to find people from BC or DC referred to as Columbian?

    Note, Canadians are not Americans. The continent may be North America (connected to South America by Central America). But as far as Canada is concerned, the only Americans are from the USA.

  • Gord

    Rubbish rumours of transfers.

    I know nothing of the goaltending coaches currently at Arsenal. I have a little understanding of David Seamen or Jens Lehman possibly coming in (to be a coach). I see no point in Petr Cech coming in, he isn’t competition, he would be a coach. As would be Schwartzer or Sorensen. Or Casillas. Jorge Campos might make an interesting goaltending coach for Szczesny.

    What I really want to see in the way of transfers (as in 1 goes away, none comes in) are most of the blogspace and press writing about Arsenal. As a fan, I do not want to read bad news 330 days of the year.

  • Florian


    +1. In the 6 years I’ve been in Seattle I never heard anyone calling the Canadians from BC or Americans from DC Columbians. The ones that call themselves in a remotely similar way are the inhabitants of the Washington state, that sometimes go by Washingtonians.

  • Florian

    Errata: …go by as Washingtonians.

  • SA gunner

    Time to clean out all Wenger’s bargain basement buys. – like Squilaci – Bendner – Giroud and all others on loan and playing for the reserves – add it to the kitty and buy some real arsenal players – All these ruddy rumors are merely to fill up blank news paper space.The real thing will happen in the closed season – and I’ll put my () head on a block wenger will buy more bargain basement seconds. So our salary bill rises and our silverware cabinet content drops.

  • Today Arsenal were in the news here in Portugal as they’re targeting Rui Patrício (national team and Sporting’s GK).

    A 10M€ offer was made by his agent Jorge Mendes on behalf of Arsenal so sports newspaper A Bola says (