Arms to be chopped off but Arsenal players safe

It seems not everyone in the Emirates (the states not the stadium) is happy about the way the Manchester Arab purchase has gone – according to the Guardian one leading figure in the Ems (as the Emirates now has to be known, to help project its more friendly less “chop your arm off” image) has suggested that Sulaiman al-Fahim (the guy who did all that stuff about buying Cesc Fabregas and Chris Ronaldodo) was out of line and was risking having his head chopped off (page 11, 6 September).


It shows that this football business is getting dangerous.  In England that funny little Keegan fella is being sued by fat law-breaking beer-drinking-in-sight-of-the-pitch Ashley Ashley for £2m for having the temerity to resign.  That might seem steep, but is perhaps less of a risk than decapitation. 


It also shows how out of touch these foreign type billionaire chappies can get.  What Sulaiman al-Fahim obviously forgot when drawing up his transfer list was that the “Oooze” as the manager of Manchester Arab is known, is best-known for demanding that a very young Cesc Fabregas should apologise to him for saying something that Ooze didn’t understand during an Arsenal / Blackburn football game.  Not a good start for a potential manager-player relationship.


But what is only just becoming clear is that the Abu Dhabi’s who own Manchester Arab are in fact more interested in another club they already own – Al Jazira.   You might think of it as the TV station that David Frost works for and which has occasionally run episodes of the Asama Bin Laden “Let’s Kill Everyone” show.   And that is right.  But it is also a football team.


In fact the plan in the Ems is to set up a new Premier League to out-do the Premier League.  “We need time to become like the Premier League,” said Khalid Al Omari of Al Jazira FC, suggesting (to me at least) that the buying of Manchester Arab is nothing other than an opportunity to see how it all works.  Shipping Manchester players out to the Ems is the obvious next step.  One wonders if the players they are buying realise this.


Meanwhile the fans of the Newcastle Zebras are planning to boycott Ashley Ashley products like Sports Direct and Lillywhites.


Meanwhile again, Sir Alex F-Word has said that he isn’t worried about the rise of Manchester Arab since fans of Manchester Bankrupt all come from Cornwall anyway.


So how should we, as honourable folk react to this turmoil in our “national game”.


First, don’t buy any oil – it all comes from the Arab states and so goes directly into the Manchester Arab coffers.  Put a wind turbine on top of your car.  It hits bridges and doesn’t allow you to go very fast, but looks cool and attracts the attention of people who you might like to chat up.


Second, buy lots of stuff from Sports Direct.  It’s probably rubbish (I mean to say it is owned by a guy who drinks pints in our ground when he shouldn’t and runs Newcastle Zebras), but buying it will annoy Newcastle supporters.


Third, having bought Sports Direct stuff throw it away unused in a Newcastle rubbish bin, and then take pictures of it, and send them to the Daily Mail.   They won’t publish them, but it will annoy the pictures editor.


Last, don’t holiday in Cornwall.


That should do it.  Victory through harmony.