The Untold Fast-Forward EPL Table. All the results BEFORE the games are played.

Revealed! The Untold Fast-Forward EPL Table

By Sammy The Snake

The holiday season is upon us, and most football fans are anticipating the upcoming 4 game days in the space of only 12 days. In the case of Arsenal & Chelsea, there are four games in the space of 10 days! Yeahhhhh…

In anticipation of this pending feast of entertainment, the editorial directors at Untold have come together to bring you a new service. We have put our collective heads together (making a really big head!), and decided to take the anxiety, excitement and fun out of this fixture list for you. This service will free your time for your family and friends during the holiday season, and it’s absolutely free & exclusive for Untold readers!

We have decided to bring you a “Fast-Forward EPL Table” for the morning of 2 January 2014. No need to watch the games during this time! Just print the table provided below, keep it in your pocket, and glance over it whenever you have a craving for a bit of footie.

Our studies have revealed that the average football supporter will spend about 950 minutes watching games during the holiday season (for the mathematically challenged, that’s 10 games including 5 extra minutes for each game, assuming you do not watch any commentary or advertising in between). By offering our service, we are giving our readers the most valuable gift of all: Time!

I can just imagine the happy kids who have 950 extra minutes with their fathers, playing tic-tac-toe or other such holiday games. I can see the smile on the faces of the wives who get their husbands in bed on time and in a good mood for a bit of holiday hows-yer-father (Wink, wink!). I can see the happiness in the eyes of the husbands who get to have dinner as their football-wives had time away from the Telly!

In fact, Tony was of the mind to charge each reader 1 penny for our services, but I talked him out of it… So enjoy our “Fast-Forward” football while it hasn’t gone pay-per-view…

Looking at the fixture list for the holiday period, one trend stands out. Teams either play Home-Away-Away-Home or Away-Home-Home-Away. I’m surprised that no tam has a fixture list which alternates between Home & Away. This I think will give a disadvantage to teams who must play 2 away games in the space of 3 or 4 days (between 26 to 29 of December).

As always, Arsenal get the difficult option, and I leave it to Walter to write about “yet another conspiracy against Gunners” at another appropriate time! 😉

Let’s look at the fixture for all the potential top 4 teams, and see who they are facing in this all important period, and how many points they can earn:

Liverpool: Cardiff (H), Man C (A), Chelsea (A), Hull (H)

Liverpool must have the most difficult fixtures of all the teams, playing both ManC & Chelsea away in the space of 4 days. The ManC-Liverpool game should be a cracking game to watch (maybe even more than 9 goals), and I know everyone will predict another ManC home win, but I’m predicting a draw here. I have faith in Liverpool to come away with a point from both Etihad Stadium and Stamford Bridge, and hence give Liverpool 8 points for their troubles in 4 games.

Chelsea: Arsenal (A), Swansea (H), Liverpool (H), Southampton (A)

Chelsea, recently dumped out of the Lg. cup, are winning games despite playing sh!t football, a typical hallmark of “The Not-So-Special One”. They have two critical games with Arsenal and Liverpool, and I’m really hoping they can’t get anything more than 7 points with a loss to Arsenal, a draw with Liverpool. They should have enough in the tank to beat Swansea at home, and Southampton away. 7 points sounds about right.

ManC: Fulham (A), Liverpool (H), C-Palace (H), Swansea (A)

ManC are flying at home, and they seem to be getting the hang of playing away. They should get little resistance from Fulham who are absolutely awful these days, and Swansea who have dropped a few grades in recent months. But I think their attacking powers might cancel each other out with Liverpool. 10 points for ManC, and I stand by it. It’s about time ManCity dropped some home points.

ManU: West Ham (H), Hull (A), Norwich (A), Spurs (H)

ManU are fooling everyone by looking like they are out of their slump, but to my regret, the fixture list is quite kind to them (not a surprise, is it?!). ManU should be able to collect 12 points, and close the gap, but not enough to reach the top 4.

Tottenham: Southampton (A), West Brom (H), Stoke (H), ManU (A)

Now I know, the manager-less chickens are not a potential top 4 side, but I thought to keep them for just fun and laughter! I dare say the Tiny Totts will hardly collect 4 points for their holiday gift. Not much, but that’s probably more than they deserve anyway. By not appointing a permanent coach swiftly, Spurs look like they have given up on the fight.

Everton: Swansea (A), Sunderland (H), Southampron (H), Stoke (A)

Highflying Everton have been spared for the holiday season, and they too have a kind fixture list. They may be the masters of drawing games (7 draws so far, more than any team), but they should be able to collect maximum points from 3 of their games. So 10 points for Everton should be fair, especially as both their middle games are at home.

Arsenal: Chelsea (H), West Ham (A), New Castle (A), Cardiff (H)

The Gunners should bounce back with a win at home over Chelsea, which would be Wenger’s first over Mourinho. I’m afraid our trip to New castle usually turns out to be a circus (remember the 4-4 game?). I’d love to predict 12 points for Arsenal, but 10 is the maximum I dare put on paper. The key is beating Chelsea.

After all that’s said and done, the table should look like:

Pos Team Pts
1 Arsenal 45
2 ManC 42
3 Liverpool 41
4 Everton 41
5 Chelsea 40
? ManU 37
? Tottenham 31

Happy holidays, and my best wishes for every Gunner & Gooner!

Sammy The Snake

If however instead of futurology you are more inclined to enjoy history try this…

The Anniversary Files now containing over 2500 entries

23 Replies to “The Untold Fast-Forward EPL Table. All the results BEFORE the games are played.”

  1. I admire your optimism and hope you are right! Just have a horrible feeling Messrs Dean Dowd and Probert will have their say.
    Still, hopefully Theo Poldi and soon Ox back to strengthen the ranks and provide some much needed width – we are a scary team with widemen playing well

  2. I am only praying so that we beat chelsea and so long as we draw at Newcastle, i will be comfortable with that.

  3. I wonder: when chasing a game, can we can accommodate both Bendtner and Olly on the field at the same time? That would cause all types of hell in the opposition box every time Theo or an overlapping full back crossed the ball. At the moment we seem to use Per for that added aerial threat, mostly at set pieces. But I think Nicklas could cause plenty of trouble being a threat both in the air and on the ground.

  4. An hilarious idea from start to finish.
    Sammy, you forgot to mention the dreaded Christmas shopping chore, when husbands can adjourn to a quiet corner, drop all the bags and have a crafty look at the UFFEPLT from time to time.

  5. I would love to see Theo offering the same form as the $ity game, the second goal was fantastic,
    With some through passes from Aaron and Mesut, we can beat teams with his pace and brand new finishing abilities

  6. I am going to miss Newcastle game, as at that time I am going to be saying “my final yes”, so I hope I get my wedding gift from Arsenal, I don’t ask too much, only 3 points as wedding gift is quite little.

  7. Armin,
    It wont be your final yes, you’ll be saying ‘yes’ fr the rest of your life….. ‘yes dear’ of ‘course dear’ lol

  8. @{Armin,
    As someone who will shortly celebrate 66 years of wedded bliss, I wish you and your bride all the luck in the world.
    If you would accept some advice in order to guarantee a happy marriage, make sure that immediately after the ceremony and before the honeymoon ends, Mrs Armin concentrates on learning the Offside rule in football and the LBW rule at cricket.

  9. Armin,

    All the best in your coming nuptials. I wish you and your bride wedding bliss. We now have more riding on that Newcastle game. For your sake, I now hope more than ever that we claim the 3 points.

    Unsolicited marriage advice here:

    Let it go as much as possible. It helps. As much as I am a hothead at Untold, I’m a gentle lamb before Mrs Bootoomee. That for me, is the secret of a happy marriage 🙂

  10. Walter, what did probert do? Sorry didn’t watch, can’t stand liverpool even though I think Wenger was right in pursuing suarez.

  11. Skretel was holding a Cardiff player at a corner with both his arms around him. A blatant penalty that could have made it 3-2.

    Just seen that the refs have changed their Manchester shirt it seems. Even seemingly good refs give non existing fouls in favour of City now…

  12. Ah, typical from probert and his fellow cronies. I can guarantee had skirtle been wearing Arsenal colors that would’ve been a penalty and a possible red.

    Yeah, seems city are the new utd, let’s see how long it lasts.

  13. Think the refs’ first team of choice to replace utd was spurs, but even then they realised it would take some serious tilting to get them where they wanted, hence city (and/or perhaps Chelsea?) are the more obvious choice.

  14. Armin, congratulations for a life of ‘yes’!
    I’m a 23 year veteran of saying yes.

  15. Since all your UA buddies are chiming in with some unsolicited and highly questionable marriage advice, who am I to miss that opportunity:

    1)Whenever you have to say yes(which will be for most of your conscious life), always add the following; ¨yes darling, if you say so dearest, it must be true.¨

    2)Now about a suitable response when she’s angry at you (which will occur on occasion I can guarantee you; ¨yes beloved, I am totally at fault, regardless of who actually did it¨

    3) When the temptation to have the last word is irresistible, remember your last word should always be;

    4)IF perchance, and despite your best efforts, your wife develops a sudden character flaw that drives her to become a Spuds supporter (perish the thought) please respond to her claims that they’ll finish above AFC this season or the next, with a diplomatic and loving; ¨yes angel, Nostradamus did predict such possibilities…¨

    5)And last but definitely NOT least, when she asks you if she looks good in the dress she is trying on, please,please say; ¨yes gorgeous one, are you sure you didn’t mistakenly take the dress from the teen’s section?¨

    with this sagely dubious advice, I commend you to a life of uncompromising joy and peace…..

  16. Set in place three little rules.
    1 If you think you are fat, then you are fat so don’t ask me.

    2 If you think you are too young for the dress, then you are too young for the dress, so don’t ask me.

    3 If you think you are beautiful then you are beautiful, so ask me if I think you beautiful.

    4 Only ask my opinion if you already know it is the same as yours.

    5 If you think I don’t love you then remember I am English so what ever I say means I love you, as in:

    American wife: ‘Do you love me?’

    Husband ‘Gee Honey I love you with the whole wide world you are just the most gorgeous woman I have ever met’.

    French wife ‘Do you love me?’

    French husband. ‘I love you my Cherie. I love you.

    English wife. ‘Do you love me?

    English Husband ‘Enough’.

  17. Looking at the fixtures, after their next games vs Man City and Chelsea, Liverpool don’t play a top 5 team back to back again for the rest of the season. Even the reverse fixtures against Man City and Chelsea, have been separated, unlike Arsenal’s. And to help Liverpool further, they havn’t had any European midweek games either, to distract them. Seems iffy to me.

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