Revealed! The Untold Fast-Forward EPL Table
By Sammy The Snake
The holiday season is upon us, and most football fans are anticipating the upcoming 4 game days in the space of only 12 days. In the case of Arsenal & Chelsea, there are four games in the space of 10 days! Yeahhhhh…
In anticipation of this pending feast of entertainment, the editorial directors at Untold have come together to bring you a new service. We have put our collective heads together (making a really big head!), and decided to take the anxiety, excitement and fun out of this fixture list for you. This service will free your time for your family and friends during the holiday season, and it’s absolutely free & exclusive for Untold readers!
We have decided to bring you a “Fast-Forward EPL Table” for the morning of 2 January 2014. No need to watch the games during this time! Just print the table provided below, keep it in your pocket, and glance over it whenever you have a craving for a bit of footie.
Our studies have revealed that the average football supporter will spend about 950 minutes watching games during the holiday season (for the mathematically challenged, that’s 10 games including 5 extra minutes for each game, assuming you do not watch any commentary or advertising in between). By offering our service, we are giving our readers the most valuable gift of all: Time!
I can just imagine the happy kids who have 950 extra minutes with their fathers, playing tic-tac-toe or other such holiday games. I can see the smile on the faces of the wives who get their husbands in bed on time and in a good mood for a bit of holiday hows-yer-father (Wink, wink!). I can see the happiness in the eyes of the husbands who get to have dinner as their football-wives had time away from the Telly!
In fact, Tony was of the mind to charge each reader 1 penny for our services, but I talked him out of it… So enjoy our “Fast-Forward” football while it hasn’t gone pay-per-view…
Looking at the fixture list for the holiday period, one trend stands out. Teams either play Home-Away-Away-Home or Away-Home-Home-Away. I’m surprised that no tam has a fixture list which alternates between Home & Away. This I think will give a disadvantage to teams who must play 2 away games in the space of 3 or 4 days (between 26 to 29 of December).
As always, Arsenal get the difficult option, and I leave it to Walter to write about “yet another conspiracy against Gunners” at another appropriate time! 😉
Let’s look at the fixture for all the potential top 4 teams, and see who they are facing in this all important period, and how many points they can earn:
Liverpool: Cardiff (H), Man C (A), Chelsea (A), Hull (H)
Liverpool must have the most difficult fixtures of all the teams, playing both ManC & Chelsea away in the space of 4 days. The ManC-Liverpool game should be a cracking game to watch (maybe even more than 9 goals), and I know everyone will predict another ManC home win, but I’m predicting a draw here. I have faith in Liverpool to come away with a point from both Etihad Stadium and Stamford Bridge, and hence give Liverpool 8 points for their troubles in 4 games.
Chelsea: Arsenal (A), Swansea (H), Liverpool (H), Southampton (A)
Chelsea, recently dumped out of the Lg. cup, are winning games despite playing sh!t football, a typical hallmark of “The Not-So-Special One”. They have two critical games with Arsenal and Liverpool, and I’m really hoping they can’t get anything more than 7 points with a loss to Arsenal, a draw with Liverpool. They should have enough in the tank to beat Swansea at home, and Southampton away. 7 points sounds about right.
ManC: Fulham (A), Liverpool (H), C-Palace (H), Swansea (A)
ManC are flying at home, and they seem to be getting the hang of playing away. They should get little resistance from Fulham who are absolutely awful these days, and Swansea who have dropped a few grades in recent months. But I think their attacking powers might cancel each other out with Liverpool. 10 points for ManC, and I stand by it. It’s about time ManCity dropped some home points.
ManU: West Ham (H), Hull (A), Norwich (A), Spurs (H)
ManU are fooling everyone by looking like they are out of their slump, but to my regret, the fixture list is quite kind to them (not a surprise, is it?!). ManU should be able to collect 12 points, and close the gap, but not enough to reach the top 4.
Tottenham: Southampton (A), West Brom (H), Stoke (H), ManU (A)
Now I know, the manager-less chickens are not a potential top 4 side, but I thought to keep them for just fun and laughter! I dare say the Tiny Totts will hardly collect 4 points for their holiday gift. Not much, but that’s probably more than they deserve anyway. By not appointing a permanent coach swiftly, Spurs look like they have given up on the fight.
Everton: Swansea (A), Sunderland (H), Southampron (H), Stoke (A)
Highflying Everton have been spared for the holiday season, and they too have a kind fixture list. They may be the masters of drawing games (7 draws so far, more than any team), but they should be able to collect maximum points from 3 of their games. So 10 points for Everton should be fair, especially as both their middle games are at home.
Arsenal: Chelsea (H), West Ham (A), New Castle (A), Cardiff (H)
The Gunners should bounce back with a win at home over Chelsea, which would be Wenger’s first over Mourinho. I’m afraid our trip to New castle usually turns out to be a circus (remember the 4-4 game?). I’d love to predict 12 points for Arsenal, but 10 is the maximum I dare put on paper. The key is beating Chelsea.
After all that’s said and done, the table should look like:
Happy holidays, and my best wishes for every Gunner & Gooner!
Sammy The Snake
If however instead of futurology you are more inclined to enjoy history try this…
The Anniversary Files now containing over 2500 entries
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