Every Arsenal transfer story all on one page

By Sir Hardly Anyone

One player issues a “come and get me plea”, another says he has always admired Wenger, but still Wenger hesitates, and the players go elsewhere.

Sound familiar?

Yep, its the story from the AAA make believe land of transfers.  But fortunately you don’t have to plough your way through them all, because Untold, with its dedicated team of Norwegian teddy bear stuffers and Tuvalu lumberjacks has disentangled the future and modified the past by removing the stories we wrote before but which turned out to be a load of old cobblers.

Just like regular reporters in fact.

So you want to know who Arsenal want.  Who they really want.  Who they really really really want?  Well its…

  • Lars Bender/Javi Martinez    One of these two to play alongside Aaron Ramsey and give further cover for the referee inspired injuries of next season.
  • Calum Chambers,
  • Julian Draxler, turning him from a winger into a central striker.  Now who else has had that done to them.   Oh, what was his name,  Terry, Thierry… no I forget.
  • Jackson Martinez, not Javi.  This is confusing.  Jackson plays for Porto. Did someone make a mistake here.  Nope it seems we are looking at a pair of Martinez.
  • Mario Mandzukic. – Croatian striker playing for Bayern Munich

Look I am not sure you are properly paying attention to this…

But despite these being the players that the club really really honestly totally want, they are having talks with

  • Antoine Griezmann. Juventus have made a rival offer for him but Arsenal have kick-started (oh yes) the deal by offering £18m and a packet of cornflakes.  He’s from Real Sociedad says the Metro
  • Alvaro Morata – from Real Mad – a striker!  He’s 21!!! Real are “understood” to be willing to negotiate on Morata, but Real Mad want a buy-back agreement.  Tottenham want him – so they say, and Juventus too.
  • Kim Kallstrom – who might stay on a permanent basis.
  • John Ruddy (Norwich goalkeeper) (The Daily Mail)
  • Ashley Williams – £3m from Swansea. (The Metro)  Captain of Wales and a central defender.  Being not in the World Cup he could play for us at the start of the season.
  • Gareth Barry.  West Ham and Everton also interested, and its “a race”.  (Daily Excess – sorry Express).
  • David Marshall (Cardiff goalkeeper).  From “under the noses of north London rivals Tottenham.”  Cardiff’s “player of the year”
  • Alex McCarthy (goalkeeper, Reading).
  • Loic Remy who can leave QPR for £8m, says a man with a brown envelope collection and a dog.  (The Snail – sorrry Mail)
  • Atsuto Uchida (Japanese full back to replace Bacary Sagna.  the Mail. 
  • James Milner as a “surprise” right-back (Telegraph)

Seriously if you are going to sit their giggling all the time I’m not going to report this any more.  Understood?

And if that’s not enough the “I want to join Arsenal” players are 

  • Samuel Eto’o – that’s true cos it is in the Mirror
  • Cesc Fabregas who has told Arsene Wenger he would prefer to return to Arsenal in a £35m deal rather than sign for Manchester United. (The Metroid) 

This is your last warning.  If you don’t stop making those monkey sounds they I am going to close down this web site and go and work for the Daily Star.

Plus those leaving include

  • Nicklas Bendtner who is simultenously going to Leicester (despite their desperate FFP situation), Burnley, Crystal Palace and Hull are all keen.  (That from the Sun)
  • The Fabulous Lukasz Fabianski – he’s gone to Swansea
  • Sagna – to Man City on a free.  That solves the FFP problem for Europe but not for Premier League FFP which is mostly based on salaries not on transfers.
Meanwhile, continuing its plundering of AAA blogs the Telegraph is now running its “worst case scenario…”
“Worst case: That Wenger either hesitates on key targets or other rivals move in with larger bids and Arsenal get left further behind the likes of Chelsea and Manchester City. Wenger is always determined not to waste money in the transfer market but he might also need to be willing to gamble.
“The danger is of his squad again suffering injuries next season and losing their Champions League status if there is not sufficient quality cover.”

You know, with the Telegraph able to do such a good job in management it is a wonder their staff haven’t left and taken over all the clubs.

OK you’ve giggled enough.  I’m not writing any more, so you can….

12 Replies to “Every Arsenal transfer story all on one page”

  1. You’ve only mentioned 18 potential signings there which is only scratching the surface.

  2. Please, put Mario Mandzukic in the second list or even leave him right out altogether as he reminds me too much of Kramer. Not that lookie likies are a bad thing as we have a Lyle Lovett at central defence.

  3. Lumberjacks of Tuvalu, eh? Well, the Flax Farmers of the Federated States of Micronesia already had a blurb about Alex McCarthy in the Szczesny thread (a little more than you have, nothing significant).

    Have a nice weekend.

  4. What a bout Angel Di Maria, Remy, Song, Bony, Aurier, Khadiera?? The first 2 we really need…. And would put some pace where we are lacking it most, and that’s how we won things in the past… Theo, di Maria, and Remy would be great to watch.

  5. This word from the Brooklyn barista, doing the exact opposite of the typical Brooklyn hipster in that he’s high on someone no longer cool: He just KNOWS Cesc is “coming home.”

    Right: Fabregas is already home. He’s in Barcelona.

    Rule Number 1 of Arsenal Transfers: Believe nothing unless and until it is confirmed by Arsene Wenger.

  6. Excellent hehe.

    Referee inspired injuries! Can we all refer to Arsenal injuries as referee inspired injuries? Can we coin a phrase? Create a colloquialism? To name and shame even though they have no shame when it comes to robbing Arsenal.

    Manzukic transfer is a joke among jokes as Arsenal do not need him. Giroud is a better player without the nastiness and cheating of the Bayern player. And it pace is needed as the absence of Walcott highlighted…Manzukic is not pparticularly quick.

  7. Getting your priorities right .

    A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife.

    Husband : I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.
    Inspector : What is her height?
    Husband: I never checked.

    Inspector: Slim or healthy?
    Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

    Inspector: Color of eyes?
    Husband: Never noticed.

    Inspector: Color of hair?
    Husband: Changes according to season.

    Inspector: What was she wearing?
    Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

    Inspector: Was she driving?
    Husband: Yes.

    Inspector: Tell me the number, name & color of the car.
    Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….

    And then the husband started crying …

    Inspector: Don’t worry, Sir … we will find your car!


    This story was told by a Dr. Isaac Krazen, who is a family doctor in New York. This is a story that happened quite some time ago, in Manhattan, to a very rich old lady we shall call – Mrs. S. and how she accidently got $40,000 dollars.

    Many know Mrs. S from Manhattan, New York, mostly because she’s rich and lives on the luxurious and well lit Fifth Avenue. From the window of her home once can see central park, and the beautiful lake at its center.

    Mrs. S wasn’t interested in buying things. She already had it all. She didn’t want to give anything either, because she already gave more than expected of her. She wasn’t interested in travel because she has done so already and now it tired her. Movies, concerts and the theatre bored her. Relatives and children vexed her and her doctor did not allow her to eat sweets.

    Her doctor also ordered her to do a lot of walking, and Mrs. S did as he asked. Each morning she walked for a kilometer and a half. Most people could walk that in 15-20 minutes, but Mrs. S carried the weight of 96 years, and so the walk took about 2 hours, while she was accompanied at all times by her personal chauffeur, in his ironed suit, driving slowly along the track and keeping an eye on her.

    People passing by are impressed by her. Many know her. Few are jealous. They’d like to be rich, but also young and healthy. The combination of riches and old age is more thought provoking that envy provoking.

    But there’s a problem, Mrs S. needs to pee frequently, and along the route there were no bathrooms. This was just the kind of problem rich people can solve. At the opening of each of the houses in this luxurious street, stands a doorman meticulously dressed and charged with guaranteeing no-one comes in but the tenants. The lobby also has a nice and clean bathroom. Messengers, on behalf of Mrs. S, visited 5 of these buildings, talked to the doormen, and gave them large sums of money to make sure they will always allow the old lady to use the bathrooms.

    One spring morning Mrs. S went on her walk. She was up to 79th street when she needed to get to a bathroom. The usual doorman was ill and his replacement did not allow her to enter. Frustrated, she went into a nearby funeral home. As she came in, she was asked if she came to Jeffery Green’s funeral. She did not like to lie but felt she had to to get to that bathroom. She was then handed a guest book to sign her name and address so that the family can sent her a card for coming to pay her respects.

    She then proceeded to the bathroom to finally relieve herself.

    Two weeks later she got a letter from the law office of Becker & Epstein:

    “Dear Mrs. S, we are executing the will of the late Jeffery Green, deceased these two weeks. Mr. Green had no relatives and so he has bequeathed his fortune to those who came to his funeral. Since you were there, you are entitled to a 7th of his fortune, here is a check for $40,000.”

    It was a large sum then, but Mrs. S had more, and so she donated it to the hospital where her doctor was working, where it helped to save no few lives.

    And that doctor is me.

    I guess you have to know where to pee.

  9. Bring back the prodigal Cesc.

    All is fogiven…………………he can really play (anywhere).

  10. Looks like Cesc may not be wanted/needed at Arsenal at the moment.
    Hope we get Aurier though.
    There is also talk of some secret meeting of AW in Madris too. ????
    Then Balotelli. ?

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