No one will leave early from the Ems next season – official

By Billy the Dog McGraw, the Old Fish Shop, Hereford.

Following the amazing revelations on the influential Le Grub web site to the effect that somewhere between 50% and 80% of Arsenal season ticket holders will not be renewing their tickets next year, Untold Arsenal can now exclusively reveal what will happen as a result of this extraordinary transformation next season.

And “extraordinary transformation” is right – because the people in the ground for 2010/11 will not be the same people as those who arrived late and left early throughout 2009/10, 2008/9, 2007/8, 2006/7 and so on.

To find out more our special mate, and publican of the Toppled Bollard in St Thomas’, Billy the Dog, interviewed statistical expert, Higgs Boson, of the Institute of Certain Things.

“I  believe Le Grub is spot on and accurate as always,” said Higgs,” and that their statement (which was indeed a statement, not a warning about something that might happen) is accurate.  It is based on a sample of one, which is statistically valid in such matters, and I think we should take it seriously.

Indeed Le Grub could have had no thought otherwise since they followed up their in depth and detailed research into season ticket renewals for next season with a statement (not an opinion) which incorporated a warning to Mr Gazides about the inevitable effects both of a continuation of the Wengerian Philosophical Revolution and of taking Socrates too seriously.

So at the University of the Blindingly Obvious, Cleethorpes we decided we needed to do exactly the same level of research as Le Grub did. Our team went out we combed the highways and byways, we looked hither and yon, we lifted stones and put down turnips and we listened to one man.

And a jolly nice man he is too.

Now the only problem I had was that I seem to have got some sort of reputation and so when people say, “young Billy’s out”, the streets clear pretty damn quick.  But I used my charm, calling out, “I wanna talk to ye sunshine, come ere ye daft grubber,” and after several hours searching the empty highways of Highbury found a guy who had been inside the Toppled Bollard (public house to the Grub Elite) for three weeks without moving, and he told me that all the 30,000 season ticket holders who were not renewing were in fact…

Wait for it…

Yes yippedy dee – they were Grubbers.  Or to put it another way, readers of Le Grub, vestibule of all that is sacred and true in the land of Gibberish (which is just off the Seven Sisters Road – up the other end.)

Which means next season and forever more

a) No one will ever block your view by turning up 20 minutes late and leaving 15 minutes early.

b) No one in block 99 will be moaning at Bendtner ever again after he has just scored his 6th goal in 7 games.

c) No one will be sitting on his/her hands (or anyone else’s hands) and refusing to sing “One Arsene Wenger” ever again.

d) The noise level will increase 8000%.

e) The entire stadium will be filled with real live active supporters instead of dummies who are often not there, or if they are, are blinking while claiming that Arshavin is leaving and it is true because they read it in the Holy Grail (or Daily Mail as it is known).

f) Everyone in the Ems will understand what an interception is, the benefit of  the interception, the fact that the interception gets the ball from the opposition, the notion that the interception is the ideal way to handle Bolton, Blackburn and the rest without getting hacked to bits, and that Denilson is the utter master.

g) People will smile, laugh and chortle inside the stadium and generally have fun, commenting before the game on the relative merits of the present set up at Arsenal with that in the George Graham era.

h) The Arsenal players will realise that for the first time since we moved to the Ems the entire crowd is with them rather than having 30,000 grubbies who are moaning and complaining.

i) We will win the league and the grubbies won’t be there by their own admission, which will be rather droll.

j) The thought police that run the Le Grub web site and remove posts which don’t match their thought patterns (or change the text so that you end up saying something other than you originally wrote) will be arrested under the Protection against Silliness Act.  As a punishment they will be forced to watch Liverpool and Hull City every week from now until the end of time, whichever is the sooner.

k) Everyone will recognise what a stunningly brilliant poet Oscar Wilde was.

l) The Higgs Boson will be found, hiding behind a seat in block 99 next to a pile of Dark Matter. I get the Nobel Prize for inventiveness.

m) A monument to Jack Humble will be erected in the stadium forecourt.

n) Arsène Wenger will write an article for Untold Arsenal in which he apologises for having a grave accent in his first name, appreciating how difficult that makes life for people using Word Press.

o) Fourteen Daleks levitate down White Hart Lane, past the White Hart pub, across the Great Cambridge Road, and into Tottenham, shouting “exterminate, exterminate, exterminate” at the jolly old stadium which will then fall over. The Tinies will play future home games at Hartlepool, unable to build the new ground because no one would insure the old place.  Hartlepool fans will turn up and sing, “You won the league (you won the league) in black and white (in black and white)” etc.  The grubbies will plan to write a piece saying, “the sad thing is these guys think they are being funny” but actually now won’t write it because to do so will mean admitting that they know Untold actually exists.  Which of course it doesn’t.  Unlike the Higgs Boson.

p) Harry Redknapp is revealed to be a cyberman on heat.

q) Jamie Redknapp admits that he was approached to write Le Grub but turned it down on the grounds that he didn’t know what the interwebnetbot thing was but he had heard about it and was sure it was jolly good and that Tottenham would have one soon, and the reserve league is stupid because no one tries enough, and what’s the point of a youth team anyway?

r) Jamie Redknapp insists in the same interview that he is still sure that Raffa had to leave Liverpool, because the club has £35m to spend and the board weren’t sure he would spend it properly.  Several men remove him before he does any more self harm.

s) The Weeping Angels surround Le Portagrubbin where it is writ and wait for those inside to blink. (Don’t worry about it, if you haven’t watched Doctor Who it don’t mean nothing, but if you do, you might care to offer a minor chortle at this point.  It’s for old people who remember the day when Kennedy got shot, not as the day Kennedy died, but as the day William Hartnell first came out of a police box).

t) Arsenal win the Euro Cup and we all say “hoorah” except for the Grubbers who gave up their season tickets and refuse to watch the final on TV because Denilson is playing.

u) Eduardo and Ramsey find form far superior to anything we have seen from them before and both are offered English citizenship.  They both turn it down.

v) Man U, Man C, Chelsea, Liverpool, The Tinies, and Villa write to the EPL and FA and FIFA and UEFA claiming that Arsenal’s use of youngsters is unfair, and discriminatory against older players, demanding that no player under the age of 28 should be allowed to play in a league match ever again, no not ever.  So there.  They also demand each be given two of the current Arsenal youth squad to even things up, just in case the rules aren’t changed.

w) The youth squad win the youth league for the third year running, and the youth cup for the second time in three years.  The sheer enormity of this achievement passes the media by.

x) The ladies team win the inaugural Super League.  Those of us who occasionally go to the women’s game have a jolly time now it is played in the summer.

y)  Dark energy seeps into Manchester and it (the city, although come to that, probably the dark matter too) is never seen again having fallen into a vortex made out of the accumulated debt of the teams in the north west.   Upon investigation the debt is discovered to be so heavy that it has created an enormous black hole which is sucking everything in the area into an alternative reality.  Manchester is named, “The Black Hole” so no change there.

z) A second man approaches me in block 99, and says, “Are you Tony Attwood,” and on hearing that I am, says he has read “Making the Arsenal” and thoroughly enjoyed it. I am in heaven.

(c) The Weeping Angels, Oscar Wilde, everyone who has ever written Doctor Who, and oh you know, all that lot.

Tread lightly.

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32 Replies to “No one will leave early from the Ems next season – official”

  1. Ha Ha Ha 🙂


    N th

    Those guys crack me up.. good one tony.. None like Billy to take on the Grub!

  2. Good stuff 🙂
    ‘based on a sample of 1’ – technically this can’t be true since you can’t get 50-80% of 1 season ticket so we know it must all be lies!!

  3. Oh my! Seems a bit of a whinge-fest going on over at Le Grub today. Not selected by the Club as one of the Arsenal blogs to give away a new home kit apparently, and the knickers are well and truly bunched at Le Grub.

    Also, hat tip to Tony and Billy for making me laugh at 0400 on this Tuesday morning! 🙂 Well done!

  4. You’ve got to love Le Grub… They are up there bi@ching and moaning over how the club chose to give “lesser” blogs arsenal shirts to give away because they are critical of the team. I go and post a comment in response to some nonsense they posted about Song on their site a day ago, and they delete it! If I may, what I said was,

    “Song’s omission just goes to show their coach is just about, but not quite as mental as you are for suggesting he’s average.”

    Reposting just to see if they back down now….

  5. I know some people here think I am really negative and probably a grover, but to put them in perspective, I got banned from there a year ago for telling them I thought it was cheap how they will do ANYTHING for hits including make up bullshit titles which are so misleading, then they have the balls to whine about journalist hacks who do the same lol. Then after these 5 or so middleaged grubbers including the two who write it started insulting me for not liking what they have to say, banned me, then the next day the start of the post was dedicated to what an idiot I am (as if what I said wasn’t true- their previous title said were signing adriano lol…)

    I think it’s funny that they can’t engage in a disagreement and instead ban opposition then insult them when they have no way to defend themselves because they’re banned.

    I may be a critical person who thinks arsenal need to change and improve in some ways but I’ll never be one of those grub guys who aren’t happy with anything. I justhave more to say when I disagree with someone because there’s not much I can say other than ‘good article’ when I do agree, which I’m sure you’ll see I say a lot. Either way I appreciate that you allow me to disagree sometimes without banning. If there’s one thing with me it’s that you can be sure I base my opinions on a lit of thought rather than the knee-jerk grove style.

    Anyway, funny article 😉

  6. Le Grub are like little kids throwing a bitch-fit lol. They’re a Bunch of Le Losers hahaha. up the gooners!

  7. wow. le grove aint happy r they? cant wait 2 see em play in new away strip, maybe it’l grow on me. i was hoping for a brazilian type london twist, wit cannon instead of badge, small ems logo underneath. oh wel its bout on the pitch anyway isnt it. hope the players like it. i wonder if they get like 5 different designs to choose from?

  8. Billy, don’t you think you’re giving a bit too much credit to Le Ignorance by writing about them?

  9. This is a very funny article. 🙂

    For the rest of the day only the news of an Arsenal player injured at the world cup can stop me from smiling.

  10. Bart – I don’t think we can influence things one way or another. The Billy the Dog pieces are just about having a bit of a laugh really.

    The key point is that the person made the comment about moving 30,000 up the list, before the new data of one’s position on the list was sent out. And I seem to recall mentioning in an earlier piece that I was told by a supporter that “the waiting list has disappeared and you can buy season tickets anywhere in the ground” in November or December.

    Besides, I quite like “Le Grub” as a title – remember Grub Street – of which Samuel Johnson (he of dictionary fame) said

    “much inhabited by writers of small histories, dictionaries, and temporary poems…”

  11. After reading this article, a slight idea came to my mind. May it be the goal of Le Grub to collect, put more hatred on, intoxicate all grubbers as a mean to filter them out from the real Arsenal fans? I mean with such articles, unreal fans would become no longer fans which is good for us as this article points out.

    Well, if it’s true, then I should have not written it here. Then you have the right to unpublish this here Tony. 😉

    By the way, nice and funny article Bill. Keep up the good work.

  12. Hi, tony i am a devout follower of your blog. what you have expressed out here is true to word. whenever i have gone through their blog it feels they harbour some anti-arsenal sentiments. couldn’t believe you actually worked with them for your previous article. they are your sites alter ego. wanting to poison arsenal followers brains while you spread awareness. these are the kind of people who could get us into manu type of debt. they feel money grows on trees and you could kick players out after one season. i would trophyless for 5 more years and clear the debt rather than sit on $1billion debt win 15 trophies and go into administration. hail lord wenger!

  13. Song gets left out and Cameroun loses their game to a Japan that they are good enought top beat. Is that a testament to Song’s importance or a confirmation of his hopelessness. Le Grub will insist that it’s the latter, the sane world will probably says it’s more of the former than the latter. Every keen follower of African football recognises that in the last 2 editions of the ACN Song has been adjudged the best defensive midfielder in Africa. That fact cannot be ignored. Song cannot be bad because a single unserious blog (i read Le Grub because they rmmind me of the court jester. Everyone listens to him but everyone thinks he is stupid. The number of hits don’t matter).Let’s see what happens if he gets to play the next game. his ommission may just have been tactical (that happens sometimes). Life goes on. Beautiful post.

  14. I did hear Tony that you interrupted Theo’s summer holiday to tell him that if he wanted to be back in the 1st team, he had to appease Random House by publishing ‘The importance of being Arsene’ by Christmas. It is thought that William Gallas is off Bunburying for 2 years in France. Because too many footballers in England are caught with their pants down in the NOTW….he has taken lessons from TH14 about this….

    I hope this will also mean that those who turn up early enough to drink 2 pints before kick off and intend drinking another two at the end won’t be surrounded by officious suited officials to kick them off the premises 45 minutes after the end of the game, then!! I mean, if you cut one players wages by £5000 a week, you could pay all the minimum wage staff for another 2 hours and profits would still be up!!!!

    It might also be a good idea to put pictures on the HD screens which SHOW THE PLAYERS RETURNING DOWN THE TUNNEL or SHOW THE GAME RESTARTING, as the 2 minute warnings are so inaccurate that no-one takes any notice of them.

    You do sound ungrateful about all those idiotic fools who financed Arsenal the past 4 years. Highest prices now starting to come down a bit, the club wouldn’t be profitable without them you know. And most of the Walters out there wouldn’t be coming for a game without the Club Deck holiday specials you know.

    Apparently, according to the upmarket nookie parlour, all the technically competent players at LFC are being sold. Benayoun, Babel, Gerrard, Torres, Mascherano, Riera. All going. Franz Beckenbauer has slapped a £200m price tag on all his U21s to make Merseyside find its next Michael Owen. Apparently they wear blue shirts…….

  15. Tony and others, I was banned from this site about a year ago. These are kids and we must understand they really don’t understand how our world works. They sit in their parents home, and get three square meals a day along with ample spending money, playing EA Sports Fifa 2010 and they think that Arsenal should play like a video game. These guys don’t understand that their parents are actually planning their future by saving money for college in these hard economic times.

  16. I know the guys at Le-grove can be very OTT especiallt Geoff. That said, from the few articles that I have read on here, you authors seem as if you would give Wenger 10 years more without winning a trophy and even then you would think him the suitable candidate for the job.

    The truth is Wenger has performed miracles for the club, the style of play, qualifying for CL with little resources (just look and Rafa and Liverpool) and built a world class stadium without falling a level in the league.

    He has also made numerous mistakes and continues to make them as a result of stubbornness. Mistakes that has been raked over time and again and which I will not get into now.

    His magic has waned and he has been living on his past achievements for a few seasons now, and I judge hin on the high standards that he himself has set. Just saying that we went through a long run of years without winning trophies so 5 years is nothing in comparison is a little stupid given that we have ambitions to be up there with the Madrid and Milans of teh world.

    I would also like you to realise that there are people in Africa that have taken their lives when Arsenal have lost big games. Not the clubs fault these people are too fanatical but we could show a bit of ambition so they don’t feel the urge to hang themsleves.

    The blog wars are lame anyway, ARSEBLOG is by far the best Arsenal FC blog out there by a mile, an absolute landslide even.

  17. I think that what you are missing D is the economic element – something that we feature very regularly on this site and on which there are always many articles listed on the home page ( Without taking this into account it is hard to debate what is happening at the club. The fact is that while Man U and Liverpool are on the edge, and Man C and Chelsea are struggling to find ways to meet the new Uefa criteria, Arsenal are progressing, and making money.

    Without considering those items in your discussion, the story is incomplete.

    We don’t aim to be the best Arsenal blog – we aim to promote and support the Wengerian philosophy of football, and occasionally to have a little laugh. If you don’t want a laugh, fair enough. If you do, but don’t share the Billy the Dog style of surreal silly humour, then why not write a piece for us?

  18. Tony

    I can appreciate you having a little dig of course. Le-grove can be vert OTT and are prone to knee jerk reactions. I remember when they announced that the debt was down to 203m, and that day they made 3 posts saying that it was in accurate, that they are hiding the true level of the debt because it should be much lower. It was quite funny, as if to say the decresing debt was a bad thing somehow.

    But as well run as we are, with more money being generated we are not matching that with any ambition on the field. Some guys aren’t good enough and that is easy enough to see. Wenger it seems have become a bit too close to the players and the ruthless Wenger of old has been watered down to a paternal figure.

    Obviously financially we would be restricted but to go ALL OUT, on a youth policy virtually with no complement of experienced heads has resulted is a huge gap between ourselves, Man Utd and Chelsea. Not represented by league positions no, but for sure in the head to head.

    Were it not for a very unpredictable and welcomed 2009-2010 league where the so called lesser sides stopped rolling over when the Chavs and United came to town, we could have very well been out of it by November last year.

    I’m all for the way the club is well run, for reducing debt, the wage structure could be a little more flexible and living within our means, but personally I’m of the belief that the manager is not the man to take us forward anymore. Its a pity the stadium isn’t done being paid for so that money could go to a coach who isn’t afraid to spend.(Not mad money of course)

    In many ways he is the best and worst manager for us. He spots unknown talent like no other but isn’t willing to part with a few thousand here and there to get some of them while he collects a reported 5 million a year.

    We have no right to win every year, but the rate at which we make ‘progress’ is much too slow for a club with designs of being the best.

    PS If Almunianski are still one and two next year………I won’t even go there, the problem is I think Wenger actually would.

  19. Promoting the Wengerian philosophy in football is promoting a loosing philosophy.

    And should be ashamed of yourselves to associate such a losing formula with our Great Club.

  20. Hello folks..

    So you’re actually supporters of Wenger and not Arsenal?

    He will leave one day.. what will you write about then?

  21. You’re wasting your time with your little digs at Le Groan imho. They’re universally known for being anti-Arsenal and despised by most Arsenal supporters which they insult consistently.

    D: your comment is inconsistent. On one hand you bemoan the fact that the stadium is not paid for and there isn’t money to spend while at the same time wishing for a coach who would spend.
    As for the ‘November out’ doom-mongering bit, finally the team is howing the guts of real winners but hey you’re free to choose to see what you want to believe in.
    And the progress rate comment is laughable. 10 years ago we had the financial power of Everton and Villa. If it wasn’t for the way the club is being run we’d be drooling over a Europa league spot today.

  22. Choy: I (that is me, the guy who set up the blog a few years ago) am an Arsenal supporter, having been born and brought up in the area, of an Arsenal family. When Wenger leaves, I will still support Arsenal.

    But this web site is set up to explore and reflect upon the Wenger philosophy. Hope that is clear.

  23. David – exactly the opposite. It is the one philosophy that is sustainable, by developing the youth system which allowed us to become the first ever club to retain the Academy title for a second year, last season, and provide a multitude of players who we signed aged about 11 or 12 and who are just now breaking through. As Liverpool and other clubs collapse, we are there, ready to take on the future.

  24. Matt

    Ream my posts b4 you comment.
    I said “I’m all for the way the club is well run, for reducing debt, the wage structure could be a little more flexible and living within our means, but personally I’m of the belief that the manager is not the man to take us forward anymore. Its a pity the stadium isn’t done being paid for so that money could go to a coach who isn’t afraid to spend.(Not mad money of course)”

    Case in point Chamakh. Bordeaux wanted what 8m? Yet we had to go for quite a bit w/out a proper striker, from a manager that used to collect dtrikers for fun.

    And the guts you speak off, it was on full show with that FANTASTIC capitulation in the last month wasn’t it?

    Its hard to have any conversation with people like you, criticize the team and your’e a doom monger. Yes we did well to come back twice first from 11 down in November and 8 down in February, great fight spirit and mental strentgh that your lord and saviour loves to talk about.

    My point though is firstly, as a team with aspirations and designs to win the league we should not be 11 points down in December (after getting humiliated and looking like chumps on home turf, not for the first time either, loved how you failed to mention that in your comment BTW) and secondly in a normal PL season and you can do your checking, a team eleven down early in the season rarely if ever come back have any say in a title race.

    And how many times should I say I like how we generate money, thats only good for the club. But when we had the financial power of Everton we were winning things weren’t we?

    If we don’t have the money to compete with the big boys then we should at least put some effort into winning the damn Carling Cup, a competition our finances can manage instead of throwing it.


  25. Tony

    Thats a good point, but realistically how many of those players are going to come through together?

  26. We already got Chamakh, very good, and the 17 year old Argie keeper. Everything else is just speculation, though Lorient seems willing to do business.

    ‘FABIANSKI- He has the talent and the grit to become number 1 next season. He’s going to work hard this summer no doubt and come back stronger. Wenger believes in him, we should too. To me he could be our Iker, he has the beard…’

    U talk of jokes, Alan Davies said if we start with him or Almunia in goal next season we will have to start with minus 12 points. So funny and so true. Too many mental scars for him ever to do well in an Arsenal shirt.

  27. D: Huh? I pointed out that you wrote a doom-mongering bit nowehere did I call you a doom monger.

    1) Chamakh: What were the odds of both Bendtner and RvP getting long-term injuries at the exact same time? Of course with hindsight…
    2) Actually once the race was over the best thing the players could do was to be careful and not injure themselves. What’s the difference between 3rd close behind the leaders and 3rd further away? a lot of needless injuries. There’s no doubt Ballack would give up the FA cup in exchange for being able to go to the WC.
    That being said I agree it was painful to watch BUT taking the foot of the pedal was the right thing to do for next season.
    3) Again I have not accusing you of being a doom-monger even if your first post was on the half-empty glass side 😉 Seriously read my post again.
    4) Although we lost at OT, we dominated United throughout and were really unlucky not come up with at least a draw. Anyway last year we dominated in the big games and were much further away. This season we lost in the big games but were much more consistent in the small ones. Twice we were at the top and we were in contention close to the end and yes at some point we wre 11 points behind (with a game in hand). Everyone is free to stress what was relevant last season, I cetrainly can see the improvement over the previous season and on this progress curve our next season looks even more promising.
    5) When we had the financial prower of Everton all the clubs in the top half of the table had more or less the same revenue although we and United were slightly ahead (which translated in us dominating the league for a decade). In every league the final rankings at the end of the season closely follow the wage bill. That’s why Everton, Tottenham, Villa and Liverpool can only dream of 4rth place now and for the foreseeable future. On the other hand we’re about to take the financial lead (considering United’s massive debt and the new rules which will prevent Citeh and Chelski to borrow forever).
    I remember where we were and I see where we’re headed which is why I’m confident about our future.

    I agree about the cup point, not the CC which is a toy cup that no one remembers who’s won it the season before but we should put more of an effort in the FA cup for sure. Arsene focuses a tad to much on long-term goals at the expense of the present ones.

  28. @rhys – is there like code, irony or sarcasm in the messages you write because I can’t really make sense of the things you say.

    @D – are you saying that football cannot sometimes be written about humourously because of fanatics? By the way every club in alot of countries have these type of fans not just africa.

    Wenger is well worth the £5m, very reasonable and value for money in terms of what he contributes to the club. With all the rest of what you said about his mentality and criticism of his nuturing and development of players – this is your opinion (others criticise him for ruthlessly releasing big players once their ability begins to wane) clearly he won’t ever satisfy everyone.

    I believe Arsene Wenger is the man to take the club forward and hope that who ever eventually succeeds him, takes on board the Wenger philosopy and does not undo the years of hard work that has built up the club this far.

    With regards to your point about being behind on points – how many times have Man U been down many points and then go on an unbeaten run? I think leaving the carling cup is the best thing for bleeding young players as we are fourtunate to have very good ones that don’t put the shirt to shame.

    I like Tony am first an Arsenal supporter. I am a fan of Arsene Wenger too & would like him even if he was at another club in the same way I also like Roy Hodson, Andy Scott, Gus Hiddink and Frank Rijkaard.

    Even if Arsene didn’t think a player was good enough to play for us anymore he would not discuss it at a press conference or in a newspaper article. He has too much class to do something like that. Belief from the manager is vital to a players development and team performance. Did ‘arry rednapp get the best out Darren Bent when he said to the press his wife could do better than him? Even though it was widely accepted that Bent was not playing well.

    Whilst I don’t believe Arsene, board or players are above criticism – they get far more right than they get wrong. I enjoy supporting Arsenal(win,lose or draw) I like the way they play and the team is improving. 5 years is nothing for the future of success being constructed.

    Billy the Dog – I commend you for this good article (not sure about the Oscar Wilde bit though). Perhaps you could do a few more?

  29. did the club actually give some blogs free kits, or are le moan spouting more of their tiny trotts lies

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