You really really won’t want to believe who Arsenal are on the verge of signing

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Part 1: The Frightening (Daily Mail)

OK, the Daily Mail with its daily hate campaigning is always frightening, but this is very frightening.  They claim that “Bookies slash odds on Chelsea captain John Terry joining Arsenal next season from 33-1 to 5-1.”

A large number of bets were placed in the Reading area on Terry joining Arsenal apparently. Anyway the Mail features comments from someone whom they call “Inventive William Hill spokesman Joe Crilly.”

I’ve never heard of an inventive spokesman before.  But then this is gambling so maybe that is different.

Anyway let’s move on

Part 2: The Comings

1: Kylian Mbappe  Striker (Metro, Sun, Express, Mail, Mirror)

“French wonderkid” (aren’t they all?) Kylian Mbappe apparently has a release clause in his contract that no one knew about until the Metro, Sun, Express, Mail and Mirror revealed it, and Man U, Real Mad and Arsenal suddenly woke up.   

He plays for Monaco, and as the Metro said, “The striker has burst onto the scene this year and has been linked with virtually every elite team in Europe.”   That’s because everyone is linked with everyone, and none of it is true.

He’s 18.  

2: Virgil Van Dijk (Mirror, Bleacher, Metro, Sun, Star, HITC, Express)

“Arsene Wenger is eyeing a move for Southampton’s Virgil Van Dijk to allow him to select a three-man defence regularly.”

3:  James Rodriguez (Star, Express, Metro, Mirror, Standard, Don Balon).

And it is Arsenal and Manchester United once again.  As his surname will tell you, he’s Spanish.  But we are going to be beaten by Juventus or Inter Milan who (for reasons which did not become completely clear to me at the time) “hold a key advantage in the transfer race” according to the Express.  

4: Sead Kolasinac (Every newspaper I’ve heard of and some I haven’t)

If you have been paying attention you will know Sead Kolasinac has already signed for us although Lothar Matthaus, has “revealed” that it will be “difficult to keep Sead Kolasinac at Schalke with the likes of Arsenal ready to snap him up.”

On the other hand Sead Kolasinac ‘agrees personal terms with Arsenal ahead of summer transfer’ and already undergone a medical. Apparently Chelsea and Everton are very miffed which is nice.

5: Ivan Perisic  (Goal, Metro, Sun, Star, Bleacher, Mirror)

Arsenal and Chelsea join “the race” to sign Ivan Perisic… for £33m or €35-40 million.   He’s that most precious object a “want-away attacker” (although some “reporters” call him a playmaker) who wants away from the horrible Inter Milan.  Because… well because he does.

Perisic joined Inter from Wolfsburg in 2015.  But Inter are “lining-up” Fiorentina’s Federico Bernardeschi and Sassuolo’s Domenico Berardi as potential replacements.   The Mirror has said J Mourinho had flown over to Croatia to hold talks with Perisic but we think he was just out berating some medics he saw at the airport.  

Perisic  is the replacement for Alexis and valued at €35-40 million and is desperate to secure a move to the Premier League.

And he won’t go to a club not in Europe which presumably rules all of England out.

6: Arda Turan (CNN Turk, Goal, GdS, Express, ESPN, Metro.)

He’s a Turkish international and plays for Barcelona.  Reports say he would cost around €35-40 million.  Really!

Anyway he’s 30, so its not very likely.  Some of the bloggettas are saying this deal is done and it is a sign of the failure of the entire Arsenal strategy.   His agent has “spoken out”.  And Arsenal have been given the green light to sign him.  (Honest).

7: Corentin Tolisso (Sky, Metro, Express, Bleacher, Talksprout, Goal)

Jean-Michel Aulas admits  Corentin Tolisso could be sold this summer – unless Lyon win the Europa League.

“Tolisso is also a priority for Arsene Wenger, with the midfielder enjoying a stand-out year for the French club – netting 11 times in 38 appearances.”

You know it is made up when the word “netting” is used instead of “scoring”.

And the leaving

1: Wojciech Szczesny  (Il Messaggero, Gazzetta dello Sport, ESPN, Sun, Star, Independent, Mail, Express, Metrom Mirror )

He’s going to Napoli having spent two year at Roma.  

2: Carl Jenkinson (Going to Newcastle – Mirror, Star, Sun, Tribal.  Going to Brighton – Star, Sun, Tribal)

He’s off to Newcastle.  Or is that Brighton.  So hard to tell them apart these days.  I mean they are both on the coast (ish).  Either way its a race.

He played for West Ham who returned him damaged and he has found it hard to get going again.

And not leaving

1: Arsenal Wenger  (Daily Canon)

“The Arsenal board have decided to allow Wenger to sign the two-year contract extension”

I really am amazed sometimes at how these bloggettas get their information.  They couldn’t be making it up could they?

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10 Replies to “You really really won’t want to believe who Arsenal are on the verge of signing”

  1. Nice Mail wind up.
    Interesting that they resurrect the “Crilly” name.

  2. You missed this one Sir Hardly, get your act together.
    According to Football London we have lined up a Cazorla replacement who we have been linked with for a long time and who we regularly send scouts to watch. See this headline.

    ‘Cazorla replacement? All you need to know about Arsenal transfer target Pablo Fornals’

  3. Part 1: The Frightening (Daily Mail)- Re : John Terry .
    That is NOT funny. Not even remotely .
    For me that is not even ‘The Frightening’, but rather ,in the ” WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME , LORD ?” class ; followed with much lamentation and rendering of cloth .

    It this comes to pass , then I will surely join Para’s detachment brigade ,as I’m too old to go into the desert wilderness in trying to rediscover the true meaning of life .

    I wouldn’t mind also joining some buxom local belles in stomping grapes in some remote Tuscany vineyard . I’ll be back when the plague abates .

  4. SHA
    You’ve also missed some broken lad from Bournemouth who looks like joining us

  5. Sometimes it is better to drink wine than just whine .

    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel ashamed – then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyard, and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink, and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver. I can’t help it. I’m such a giving person….

  6. Brickfields Gunners
    I went into the wilderness before but realised it is only ever my own truth that i can discover, everything else is moot.

    And wine? Yes drink wine, if you can get real wine anymore and not these attempts of making wine with all the additives and fruit juices added etc.

    Remember to drink moderately as anything to extremes is baad. 🙂

  7. I predict by the time the transfer shut, there will be 200 players linked to Arsenal. UA should start a competition to see who can predict the correct amount.

  8. Is James Rodriguez Colombian? Or is that a different James Rodriguez? The new Perry Groves perhaps? Are we not buying Benzema this year? What about Kerry Dixon and Tony Cottee?

  9. The ONLY truth in these constant media spawned tales, is that they are done to create click bait for Gambling outlets.

    There should be a disclaimer in every story they print/post/publish/spout (TV):

    “Believing in this story may cost you money”

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