How the previous failings of Arsenal’s transfer policy are about to be overcome – and how!

By Rowley Birkin

I am sorry to say that Sir Hardly Anyone is incoherent this morning, due to an excess of research for Untold last night, so I’ve been asked to hold the fort, as ’twere.

So let me start with explaining that headline: the alleged “previous failings”.  This week, there are three types – one related to forwards, one related to gross incompetence and the last related to numbers.

Allow me to explain and all will become clear.

“My bigger concern is the lack of creativity we’ve shown in dealing with the lack of strikers and talent in general” announced one of the bloggettas sponsored by the Daily Mail, official newspaper of hate crimes and closed borders.

And thus we look at a few strikers who we have signed across the years Van Persie, Alexis, Henry, Pires, Giroud.  Where is this lack of creativity?   Alexis scored one goal every three games with Barcelona across three years.  Across three years with Arsenal it has been one in two.  Is that not creative?  A bit like the transformation of Henry.  One goal in six with Juventus to around two in every three with Arsenal.   Robin van Persie was similarly transformed as indeed was Adebayor although he lost it when he left.  Robert Pires scored 1 goal every six games with Marseille, which became one goal in every three games with Arsenal

Meanwhile the gross incompetence story is always there of course, and never lets go, but if any proof is offered for it, it is done without reference to any other club.  We know that Arsenal signed three players out of around 114 who were predicted to be joining last summer, but we don’t have similar numbers for other clubs simply because… no one else keeps records like we do.

As for the discovery of the new regulations concerning the increase in salaries allowable, this has got all the bloggettas double plus excitable for a couple of days and is now replaced by new headlines saying “Why Arsenal shouldn’t panic over wage bill rule.”

And finally now we have the fact that certain squad numbers (specifically 9 and 10) are unlucky for Arsenal.  I am not clear if this is supposed to be influencing players not to come to Arsenal or if they are just saying that Arsenal is cursed, but with only 50 words per article in some cases it is hard to say.

So, let’s do a quick trip around the latest bunch of people heading our way, according to R.E. Ports and our man down the pub.

1: Emil Forsberg

RB Leipzig must “live with the fact they are destroying the dreams” of Emil Forsberg, according to his agent.

He’s a midfielder, he wants to come to Arsenal, he’s a Sweden international and was a star performer last season as Leipzig finished second in the league and qualified for the Champions League for the first time.   He had 19 assists and eight goals over the course of the season, and he’s 25 years old.

Arsene Wenger is monitoring, Liverpool are interested, the price is £30m.  Leipzig say they are not selling.  The agent says they must for the good reputation of the club.

3: Lacazette   

And again there needs to be a new story each day to keep everyone reading.  Trouble is, there are no new stories so now we have “Are Arsenal feeling the pressure to buy Alexandre Lacazette?” from a site called “We are hooligans”.   Sadly I wasn’t able to work out the answer unless it is something about not being in the Champions League.  Or maybe it is the problem of having a little bunch of nerds running around with placards at some games that is the problem.