Arsenal to refuse to go to Ukraine? Translating today’s Arsenal stories into English

By Dr Billy “the Dog” McGraw

Having a spot of spare time while sitting in a traffic jam I thought I would take a look at the biggest stories around and give you a quick translation into English from the journaleese nonsense language that they are normally written in.

It is, as they say, all part of the service.

‘I am leaving Arsenal’ – Crucial behind-the-scenes man at Emirates announces his exit

This is from the Express group of newspapers and tells us that the groundsman is leaving.

Pictures: Massive boost as Arsenal star makes retrurn ahead of Vorskla clash

You will notice in this Red London headline that they don’t actually tell us that the Arsenal star is going to play in the Ukraine game and in fact he is not, because the piece about what we already know: the Koscielny played the first half of the recent under 23 game.

Still good to see that Untold isn’t the only place that has typos.   Retrurn, in case you missed it.

‘Terminate his contract’ – A lot of Arsenal fans don’t want to see anymore from returning ace

You can guess in advance this is The Transfer Tavern, and they have found three tweets all of about one line saying that they want Koscielny sold.

Opinion: Arsenal must rival £35m Tottenham bid for Brazilian who’d be perfect alongside Torreira

This is as it says, an opinion piece, and good on them for making that clear in the opening word.  The player is Allan and the sourcec if Calcio Napoli24.  Apparently Tottenham Hotspur “are considering making an offer of €40 million (Approximately £35m) for Napoli midfielder” and so should we.   Which is interesting since most sites are still arguing that it is our defence that is awful and needs sorting.

Emery to start Mustafi and Elneny? Predicted 4-2-3-1 Arsenal XI to face Vorskla in the Europa…

This one is from Media Referee and the question mark tells us that it is a guess at the line up.  Can’t argue with that one – we all do it.  

Arsenal defender in cast as injury strikes again

The Daily Cannon is not doing anything to mislead here – it is simply letting the assumptions of most readers get in the way of the story – we are thinking primarily about the Europa match on Thursday and not about the top of the table Arsenal Women team.

But the story is that Jessica Samuelsson is injured.   As in “Jessica Samuelsson was spotted on Sunday wearing a cast as the player confirmed she has suffered another injury.   Jessica Samuelsson signed for Arsenal in mid-August 2017. After only a handful of appearances, she suffered a ruptured ligament in her foot while on international duty when she fell awkwardly.”

Ah, “spotted.”   Do you remember the days when players were constantly spotted at the airport.   Maybe we should have a campaign to restore old forgotten headlines.

Sanchez-Ramsey swap?

The Loose Cannon is not reporting on a rumour from an Italian or Spanish newspaper you’ve never heard of as the opening sentence makes clear:

“After watching Arsenal struggle to beat Bournemouth, I couldn’t help but think that the Gunners need someone like Alexis Sanchez back in the line up. ”

Yes, well.  Moving on…

Arsenal news live recap: Mislintat to hold talks with Man United midfielder, €7.5m release… 

If Football.London didn’t have one of its 40 Arsenal stories published each day in the top rankings I imagine the computer programmers whose algorithms create this stuff would be fired   

But they did sneak in and the story is that “According to UOL, which I think is a Brazilian website, “Arsenal are set to hold talks with Manchester United midfielder Andreas Pereira and his representatives over a summer move.”

So “set to” and “hold talks” – that isn’t really a big story, but the Man U midfielder gets the interest rising.   “The player reportedly has offers from other clubs including Chelsea and Paris Saint-Germain.”

Or so we are told.

And just as I was wrapping this up, another one appeared which is not in the top ranked stories but gave me pause for thought.  The notion is presented in the headline that maybe Arsenal should just forfeit the game on Thursday and not bother to go.

They could do of course but they would a) be thrown out of this year’s Europa and b) probably be banned from all European competitions for the next three years at least.   That would significantly reduce Arsenal’s income and thus reduce the number of players who could be bought, and thus reduce the amount of piffle that could be published.

Although since that final point would only follow in a logical world, perhaps not.

One Reply to “Arsenal to refuse to go to Ukraine? Translating today’s Arsenal stories into English”

  1. Grrr, the medja is so ….

    There are stories about Arsenal being in “talks” with UEFA over this game. What would they talk about?

    Now there are stories saying that Vorskla, may not be able to get to Kyiv. Or, that the Olympic stadium in Kyiv may not be available.

    What is sounds like, is that the medja haven’t a bloody clue what is going on, and so they list all the possible stories that could possibly evolve, and they start displaying them one after another, hoping that one of them is approximately correct.

    I would imagine the UEFA was given assurances that the game could be played at the Olympic stadium before publishing that the game was moved to Kyiv.


    But, in terms of games today, I am hoping for the big win by Inter, and if I can have a miracle, for PSV to beat Barcelona.

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