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Satire: The 59 players tipped by the media to be coming to Arsenal and 21 leaving

By Sir Hardly Anyone 

Background noise

The players listed below aren’t all coming to Arsenal of course, nor are all of the 21 shown as leaving actually leaving, but these are the names of players that individual blogs and newspapers are claiming one way or another are coming our way or wandering away.

So just in case you are thinking that Arsenal are about to sign all these guys, no – it’s not us saying that they are but rather all the various “outlets” that tell us day after day that Arsenal are about to sign or lose all these guys.  The word satire is there just in case anyone doesn’t quite get it.  Very important to make these things clear, and I’ll be using the word satire in the headline from here on, just so there is no misunderstanding.  Mind you I think that when FootLon claim that Bonkers Smellyfeet is singing for us from Xhkljl Joskr of the Albanian Premier League that ought to be called satire – but apparently that is not the case.

And I am glad to say our message is getting through.  Four years after we started pointing out that 97% of transfer rumours are fakes JustArsenal have published a note saying “We all know that the vast majority of transfer rumours are inaccurate, in fact, I would guess around about 95% and upwards are simply bull.”

Right, glad we have that straight.

General blurb update:

Charlie Nicholas says Arsenal need to spend £70m on the defence alone.  In the Sun he is quoted as saying Arsenal should sell “their flop stars Mesut Ozil, Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Lucas Torreira” to fund a major rebuild at the Emirates.  Actually I think Charlie was being satirical.

But there are reports that we actually have sold a player – Ospina has now left we are told.   So unless we sign someone we have Leno and Martinez as our two prime keepers.

Managerial blurb:

Watch Arsenal Live Streams With StreamFootball.tv

Edu continues to be cited as new technical director having been TD for the Brazil squad (according to all Arsenal rumours)

Part 1 of the Transfer List: The Players coming to Arsenal this summer

We have six completely new names and a whole raft of updates.

No Player Current club Source Notes
1 Toby Alderweireld Tottenham H TBR Football, Sun He’s 30 years old
Update Joachim Anderson Sampdoria Calciomeracto and Tuttosport.  FootLon says his decision is imminent.  Could be Tottenham says Team Talk and FL.  He’s saying it is time to leave. £37m for him and Praet.  Anderson is a centre back.
3 Angelino PSV But Man City want him back- he was with their youth team He’s a left back
4 Antony Sao Paulo Media Ref (they say it would be a waste of money) Ajax, PSV Eindhoven, Lyon and Monaco are also interested
5 Gareth Bale Real Madrid She wore a yellow 87% of RM fans want him out
6 Eric Bailly Man U Transfer Market £27m, for 25 year old centre back
7 Ismael Bennacer Empoli HITC, Pain in the Arsenal Ex Arsenal youth player
8 Jerome Boateng Bayern Foot Lond, Talk Sport “He’s played his last game for us”
9 Marcelo Brozociv Inter Milan Transfer Tavern citing CalcioMercato £40.5m; a “tough midfielder”
10 Yannick Carrasco Dalian Yifang (China) Sport, Sport Witness and elsewhere in Spanish press.  Sun says it is 1/10 he will sign.  TeamTalk however say we have missed out on him Winger aged 25
11 Samuel Chukwueze Villareal Foot Lond Nigerian forward
Update Alexis Claude-Maurice Lorient Arsenal have made a £6m bid.  FootLond, Sun.  FL now adds that he wants to go to Bor Munch. HITC says Arsenal his preferred target.  Deal is off (Nebula) France under 20 forward and friend of Guendouzi
13 Djene Dakonam Getafe Daily Express Central defender / RB.  Will cost £13.5m
NEW Gianluigi Donnarumma AC Milan Daily Cannon who say the goalkeeper will cost 70m euros
15 En-Nesyri  Leganes Fox Sports Asia, HITC. Borussia Dortmund and Schalke also want him He will be the first signing and will cost £10m
16 Bruno Fernandes Sporting O Jogo, Sport Witness Chelsea, Man C, Juventus want him, £100m release clause
17 James Forest Celtic Media Referee We should sell Iwobi and get him.
Update Ryan Fraser Bournemouth Express, Mirror.  Sky says Bournemouth standing firm against sale. One year left on contract
19 Jean Philippee Gbamain Mainz Read Arsenal; Soccer Souls On his way
20 Ander Herrera Man U Express PSG also interested
NEW Mario Hermoso Espanyol Independent says he is certain to leave and AFC interested. Atletico Madrid, Bayern Munich and PSG also interested
22 Presnel Kimpembe PSG Foot Lond, Soccer Link He’s a centre half
23 Isco Real Mad Transfer Market. Attacking midfield.  Price is £54m
Update Danny Loader Reading FootballLeagueWorld.  Wales online say Cardiff want him after 10 goals in 11 games for u23. Chelsea want the 18 year old striker.
25 Marcos Llorente Real Mad Transfer Market, HITC 24 year old defensive midfield.  £13.5m
26 Malcolm Barcelona Sport Witness, FootLond Totts, Milan, Inter and Lille also after him
27 Ruslan Malinovskyi Genk Daily Canon Ukraine Midfielder
28 Kostas Manolas Roma FootLond He’s a centre back
28 Thomas Meunier PSG right back TBR Football, Arsenal Station, Mail, Sports Review Arsenal fans don’t want him (TBR)
Update Gabrielle Martinelli Ituano Metro according to reports in Brazil, also Express. Star says 5 year contract offered. 17 year old winger, equivalent of Son Heung-min FootLond
31 Harry Maguire Leicester HITC 26 year old centre back
32 Paul Mitchell Leipzig Sports Mole; 90 min, Football 365, Sky; Talkspofrt Man U and Chelsea interested
33 Neymar PSG Foot Lond go bonkers with “Excited Arsenal fans react as Neymar is linked with PSG exit”
34 N’Zonzi Roma HITC £19m; he’s considered a flop at Roma where he plays midfield
35 David Neres Everton Telegraph, Foot Lond £34.5m; talks held. Liverpool want him
36 Christopher Nkunku PSG Foot Lond, Le Parisien, Star Midfield; he’s turned down a contract renewal. We tried in Jan
37 Thomas Partey Atletico Madrid Talk Sport Midfield with a £43.5m release clause
38 Nicolas Pepe Lille 101 Great Goals, Telefoot, FootLond Star striker.  Man U also interested. “He’s on the way” (FL)
39 Ayoze Perez Newcastle Mad about EPL Inter also want him; forward or attacking midfield
40 Ivan Perisic Inter Milan Spursweb, Gazzetta dello sport Tots and WHU interested
41 Dennis Praet Sampdoria Corriere dello Sport , Sport Witness, Calciomeracto and Tuttosport Midfielder or winger; package deal with Anderson
42 Benito Raman Fortna Dusseldorf Express WHU, Burnley, Everton interested
NEW James Rodriguez Real Mad Sun, Corriere dello Sport.  Curiously the Sun, start by saying that Arsenal have missed out on the transfer, seemingly without having told us it was on in the first place.
Update Ismaila Sarr Stade Rennais Metro.  Inside Football says he is going to Watford instead He will cost over £40m.  A 21 year old winger
45 William Saliba Saint Etienne Le 10 sport says he’s off to Man U.  Shoot, Sport Witness and Metro say Arsenal.  Mirror and its “outlet” Foot Lond says it is a done deal. Read Arsenal say terms agreed Centre back.  L’Equipe says he has signed a 5 year deal
NEW Thomas Strakosha Lazio Daily Cannon says  Tottenham also interested citing Corriere della Sera as their source Goalkeeper
NEW Dominik Szoboszlai Red Bull Salzburg Football Insider.  He played 17 games last season.  Foot Lon have done a fulsome article on how he is the new Ramsey.  Sports Mole say the cost is £9m 18 year old centre midfielder
48 Matt Targett Southampton Sun, Teamtalk Liverpool also want this left back.
49 Nicolas Tagliafico Ajax Mirror – “he’s a target for Arsenal” £17.3million release clause and he gets half!
Update Kieran Tierney Celtic Foot Lon tell is he is a left footed full back. 67HH (a Celtic site) says it would be a bad move for him.  TeamTalk says bid is about to be made. ReadArsenal say he is the man for us 442 quote Emery as saying he’s worth every penny of the fee
51 Leandro Trossard Genk €20m according to Inside Futbol He’s a winger
52 Dorukhan Tokoz Beşiktaş He’s 23
53 Samuel Umtiti Lucas Vázquez.Barcelona Foot Lond running just about the most unlikely story of them all. The most expensive centre back in the world!
54 Upamecano Leipzig Daily Express – who say we will sign him and Anderson! Central defender
NEW Lucas Vázquez. Real Madrid Mondo Deportivo and Sport Witness. He’s a 27 year old winger
56 Jordon Veretout Fiorentina Metro.  Player says he is moving “to a big club” 25m euros for Ramsey II
57 Wesley Club Brugges Sun, Calciomercato, Daily Cannon, LaLazio Forward, 22 years old
58 Wilfried Zaha Crystal Palace Sun, FootLond. Palace want £80m; plays right wing
Update Hakim Ziyech Ajax Foot Lond ran the story as a serious possibility for about a month but but on 19 June said story was an “obvious fake” which obviously had them taken in. Attacking midfielder

Part 2: The 20 Players Leaving

Since virtually everyone is being mentioned apart from the very injured we ain’t got no new names but we have a range of updates.  But we are told that Ospina has now left.

No Player Going to Source Notes
Update Aubameyang Real Madrid; China; Man U FootLond; Playing for 90 Caught Offside FL cite Calciomercato.  The China story cites Guangzhou Evergrande and Shanghai SIPG.  Caught offside say he has removed all traces of Arsenal from his social media sites.  FL now says he is staying.  Givemesport and Foot Lond have him going to Man U
2 Krystian Bielik ??? Sun Sun says he is not going back to the under 23 team
NEW Bellerin Atletico Madrid Telegraph He has over 4 years left on his contract.  Arsenal want £50m, At Mad are offering Vitolo.
4 Chambers ??? FoodLond Off to Tottenham (HITC) no Everton (TBR)
5 Cohen ??? Untold Contract ended.
6 Elneny Roma Daily Cannon
Update Jenkinson Celtic FootLond; The Sun The Sun says he is going to Celtic. Foot Lond say it is WBA.  FootLgeWorld also says WBA
8 Kolasinac FootLond No explanation – just Arsenal want to get rid of him according to FootLond
9 Lacazette Barcelona At Madrid Express; The Week, Ev Standard He has admitted he is flattered to have been linked with a switch to Barcelona this summer.  Metro says he’s being offered a new deal.  Foot Lond says no it is not happening.
10 Macey Daily Canon Been told he can leave
11 Mkhitaryan Star, Mail Star blames the Mail for the story.
12 Mustafi Roma Daily Cannon, “He’s up for sale” Express
Update Eddie Nketiah Bristol C Star; FootLon Bristol paper says Br. City He will go on loan if we buy another forward.  FootLon says lower leagues in England.  Independent says it is Charlton
Update Ospina Napoli FootLond; Caught offside Daily Cannon  “He’s up for sale”  HITC says player himself says he wants to go. Napoli want to keep him and will pay €4.8m.  Indy says the deal is done.  FL says it is all signed and finished
15 Ozil FootLond “He’s up for sale”
Update Smith Rowe Leipzig Foot Lond HITC “He’s staying” exclusive from FL, but others say he’s off.  HITC says he’s going on loan.
17 Sokratis Foot Lond He wants Champs Lge football
18 Suarez Chelsea Read Arsenal He’s not really an Arsenal player but he was on loan
Update Torreira AC Milan All Arsenal Rumours; Caught offside AAR create a rumour and then denying it all in one article. But Caught Off says AFC will have to sell as they need the money
20 Welbeck Daily Cannon Now recovered from injury but out of contract, although Foot Lond had him as a possible player in the Uefa Cup Final
Update Xhaka Inter Milan, At Madrid Sund Express, BT Sport, Caught offside Player says he wants to move. Inter wants him.  But Suburban Gooners say he is going nowhere. At Madrid want him (Indy, Inside Foot, Metro)

OK; hope you got all that.  This is a record of what the media is saying, but it’s not real.  OK? Good.  Glad we got that sorted.

4 comments to Satire: The 59 players tipped by the media to be coming to Arsenal and 21 leaving

  • Gooner S

    It tickled me that you feel you now have to put “Satire” in the title.

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    Arsenal who are reported to be in for the signings of William Saliba from St Etienne and Kieran Tierney from Celtic are the only 2 looking credible Arsenal summer incoming transfer rumours in the media out of the impossible 59 they have linked with Arsenal to sign so far this summer window. And Arsenal could after all succeed to sign both Saliba and Tierney who in particular they have reportedly submitted a bid of £15m to Celtic to get him signed during this current summer transfer window exercise.

    Despite all the opposition from certain quarters opposing Arsenal to sign Kieran Tierney from Celtic this summer, Arsenal should not be discouraged in their pursuit to get the Celtic left-back signed. But be encouraged unabatedly until they sign the Scottish left-back this summer and put all Arsenal haters to utter shame and unrecoverable disappointments.

    As for Saliba signing this summer, Arsenal should continue to pursue the St Etienne young centreback signing to a logical conclusion to sign him this summer unfailingly against the odd of loaning him back immediately to St Etienne after they’ve signed him. Which of course Arsenal will reject after paying so much money to his current parent club side – St Etienne to sign him. But would Arsenal and St Etienne agree to a straight swap deal of William Saliba coming to the Gunners and Henrik Mkhitaryan at Arsenal going the opposite direction to St Etienne this summer but no cash involved? It a viable business possibility both Arsenal and St Etienne should explore to bring to fruition this summer. I think it’ll be good for both clubs and players if it’s explored and brought to fruition. For, I believe they will all be happy at the end it has come to pass. And Mkhitaryan could revive his somewhat looking to be dead football at Arsenal last season in Ligue 1 at St Etienne if he transferred there.

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    Arsenal’s £15m bid for Kieran Tierney this summer window has been rejected by the player’s parent club – Celtic according to media reports. But why will Celtic not become emboldened to reject the Arsenal’s bid to sign the player after the Arsenal haters have instigated an instigation that made Celtic to reject the bidding for their player by Arsenal. A player who is reported to be recovering from a henia procedure that could make it difficult for him to pass an Arsenal medical? But still Arsenal want to take the gamble to sign the player this summer haven scout him last season or thereafter.

    Before now, no one has heard of the name Kieran Tierney in football circle globally. But as soon as Arsenal who is a global name and brand in world football submitted a bid to sign Tierney, his stock has risen considerably in the transfer market making him known worldwide more than he was ever known before now which restricted him to been known locally at Celtic, in the SPL and in Scotland. So, Tierney unintended sudden association with the name of Arsenal FC has given him a global appeal in name in the football world right now.

    Anyway, Arsenal should not be deterred in their efforts to sign Tierney this summer window that is now looking could become a Thomas Lema of AS Monaco s kind of signing saga for us if care is not taken to handle the business end of the singing confidentially henceforth to prevent the would be Arsenal players incoming transfer spoilers from spoiling the transfer of Tierney to Arsenal for us this window. For, it’s Arsenal FC that has discovered this player whose lef-back top quality has largely remain obscured from Man City, Man Utd, Liverpool, Chelsea (who could be banned) and Tottenham Hotspur views but until now that Arsenal have unearthed his name to transfer to us. Therefore, Arsenal should hold on tightly to Kieran Tierney signing this summer who they alone have discovered his quality from outside the SPL so as to not allow his transfer from Celtic to us turn to a saga for exploitation to high jack him by the other big top 5 Pl clubs who are rivals to Arsenal.

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    Arsenal’s £15m bid for Kieran Tierney this summer window has been rejected by the player’s parent club – Celtic according to media reports. But why will Celtic not become emboldened to reject the Arsenal’s bid to sign the player after the Arsenal haters have instigated an instigation that made Celtic to reject the bidding for their player by Arsenal, a player who is reported to be recovering from a henia procedure that could make it difficult for him to pass an Arsenal medical? But still Arsenal want to take the gamble to sign the player this summer haven scout him last season or thereafter.

    Before now, no one has heard of the name Kieran Tierney in football circle globally. But as soon as Arsenal who is a global name and brand in world football submitted a bid to sign him, his stock has risen considerably in the transfer market making him known worldwide more than he was ever recognised before now which restricted him to been known locally at Celtic, in the SPL and in Scotland. So, Tierney unintended sudden association with the name of Arsenal FC has given him a global recognition in name in the football world right now.

    Anyway, Arsenal should not be deterred in their efforts to sign Tierney this summer window that is now looking could become a Thomas Lema of AS Monaco kind of signing saga for us if care is not taken to handle the business end of the singing confidentially henceforth to prevent the would be Arsenal players incoming transfer spoilers from spoiling the transfer of Tierney to Arsenal for us this window. For, it’s Arsenal FC that has discovered this player whose lef-back top quality has largely remain obscured from Man City, Man Utd, Liverpool, Chelsea (who could be banned) and Tottenham Hotspur views but until now that Arsenal have unearthed his name to transfer him to us. Therefore, Arsenal should hold on tightly to Kieran Tierney signing this summer who they alone have discovered his quality from outside the SPL so as to not allow his transfer from Celtic to us turn to a saga for exploitation to hijacking him from us by the other 5 big top Pl clubs that are rivals to Arsenal.