By Sir Hardly Anyone Psychiatric support for those who wrote the original pieces is available from Dr Billy “the Dog” McGraw, head of Certain Things at the University College Hospital of the North Circular Road.
All the latest transfer tales, with translation into English.
1: Aubameyang leaving
Arsenal could be forced to sell Gabon forward Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang if they fail to agree to terms over a new contract, with the 30-year-old’s present deal expiring in 2021. According to The Star.
This is classic transfer gibberish since this can be said about any player with a contract. It is in fact not news. It is tripe.
2: The raging negativity virus
“Arsenal fans, myself included, have been negative for so long. The reason was simple, the team made us that way with their performances.”
Just Arsenal gives us that one, and really one’s heart goes out to them. For rampant negativity is bad for an individual and ultimately becomes self-perpetuating. The negative person becomes more and more negative and waits for events around him to lift him up, meanwhile spreading the virus of negativity to everyone else. Negativity should be treated like other viruses and people should be injected against it. Why is the World Health Organisation not on this case?
3: What is “A potential £92m”?
What is potential money? The Sunday Express thinks it exists, but is it like bitcoin or something even more fanciful? The question arises as we are told, from the fact that, “Inter Milan are preparing a summer bid for Arsenal’s Gabon forward Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, with a potential £92m at their disposal to bring the 30-year-old to Italy.” As that was in the Sunday Express I doubt any answer will arise in the near future.
Potential money? I’ll have a slice of that.
4: And what is a release clause?
Actually that is a really important question, because different countries have different laws about release clauses in employment contracts, as we found out in a recent fight between PSG and Barcelona over Neymar. Just saying “release clause” is meaningless; you need a lawyer and a map first. So Arsenal “considering triggering the £34m release clause in 24-year-old Bayer Leverkusen and Germany defender Jonathan Tah’s contract” might or might not have any meaning. Call a lawyer to find out.
5. We could perhaps maybe win the Europa
Brazil defender David Luiz, 32, believes Arsenal have the necessary quality in their squad to go on and win the Europa League this season after falling at the final hurdle last year. The Evening Standard have said that an applied for the Nobel Prize for Literature on the grounds that they have never before created a sentence that long.
6. Italy? I suspect not
Arsenal are sending scouts to watch Italy midfielder Bryan Cristante, 24, play for Roma this weekend. The Mail had that but I suspect their sportspeople have not been reading the rest of the paper about the viral outbreak. We wish them well in the Eternal City. Mind you, you can’t believe what you read in the papers.
7: Who has these weird thoughts? We should be told.
Leverkusen’s 20-year-old Germany midfielder Kai Havertz, thought to be a target of Liverpool, could be available in the summer transfer window, according to the club’s sporting director. (Goal). So he is “thought to be” and as a result of that “could be”.
Who are the people doing this double load of thinking? Are they getting double wages for thinking twice?
8. What does “being interested” mean?
Arsenal, Everton and Leicester City are among seven clubs interested in signing Gent and Canada striker Jonathan David, 20. (Jeunes Footeux, allegedly (according to the Sun). How exciting is that!
9: The blindingly obvious
I mean how obvious do you actually want to be? As in “I don’t want to get run over by a tram in Nottingham,” obvious? Or “I think I won’t go to China at the moment” obvious? Consider this one: Arsenal want to sign 18-year-old winger Bukayo Saka, who has 18 months left on his contract, to a new five-year deal, with Liverpool, Manchester United and Bayern Munich interested in the England Under-19 international. (The Daily Mirror)
Of course we want to sign him again, you utter dodos. The only story would be if we didn’t.
10: “Being courted”
Well, yes, I have to admit I wouldn’t mind being courted again. Actually “again” is probably an exaggeration but, anyway…
RB Leipzig’s French defender Dayot Upamecano, 21, says he knows he is being “courted”, with Barcelona and Arsenal among his admirers. Goal have this one and they picked it up from RMC Sport. Goal really should wash their communal hands after that sort of activity.
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