Virus ignored: Arsenal now linked to 30 different players for inwards transfer this summer.

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Well yes, there is a growing awareness that civilisation as we know it has come to an end, and there is no football being played.  But we still have a bunch of bananas writing in the national newspapers and associated websites and they are determined to pretend that everything will start again on June 1, with both football coming back and the transfer window creaking open.

Actually that last point is vitally important; it creaks open but slams shut.  I mention that just in case you are suddenly called upon to write a column for the Daily Turnip on Arsenal’s latest rumours, largely because all of the existing journalists have gone down with pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis – the disease with the longest name in the medical dictionary, and thus always worth learning just in case.

Meanwhile it is very amusing to see a transfer possible to be cited as coming with “Arsene Wenger’s seal of approval”.   Oh my, he never got that when he was manager, despite the string of brilliant transfers he arranged.

So here we are, at the end of civilisation as we know it, acting out the 1975 TV drama “Survivors” created by Terry Nation who also created Daleks and “Blake’s 7” (which they kindly let Tony get involved in, much to the hardcore fans disgust, so don’t ever go out for a drink with him – when the pubs re-open because he’ll gone on and on about his BBC days and really it is all a bit much…).

Anyway, I don’t think any channel has run Survivors again (I must have missed it if they have) probably because it is just too much like what we actually have now.  Had anyone taken any notice of the show we wouldn’t have all this problem now, but do they listen?

But enough of this, none of this virus stuff is actually happening, it is all a government fake news ploy, and I know this for sure because the transfer stories are running like there is no tomorrow (which now I come to think about it is perhaps not the best choice of words at this time, but I expect Tony will sort that out when he edits my fine prose).

We are now up to 30 transfers and the window opens in a mere 63 days.   Slacking behind a little I think.

I used to the think that the number of rumours stagnated because the journalist fiction writers were spending too much time in the Toppled Bollard, but the Bollard has shut its doors, so they can’t be in there.  It must be alcohol shortage that is slowing the old buzzards down.

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No	Player	From	Details	Source
1	Miguel Almiron	Newcastle	Their top scorer	Media Referee
2	Leon Bailey	Bayer Leverkusen	Chelsea also want him. £85m fee.	Just Arsenal
3	Dani Ceballos	Real Mad	Currently on loan	Express
Update	Philippe Coutinho	Barcelona	Attacking midfielder on loan at Bayern.  Being talked up as a near certainty	Talksport, Express
5	Marc Cucurella	Barcelona	Left back or wide midfield	FoLo £20.9m
6	Jonathan David	Gent	Second striker	Football.London
NEW	Ousmane Dembélé	Barcelona	Forward	AS, Sun
8	Issa Diop	WHU	Centre back for £60m	Mirror, Metro, Read Arsenal, HITC, West Sussex Today, Sun
NEW	Odsonne Edouard	Celtic	£50m; goalscoring forward	Glasgow Live, the Evening Standard, Caught offside, the Scotsman, Who scored, and Celtic Star
NEW	Nebil Fekir	Real Betis	Forward, 26 years old, injury prone	Read Arsenal
NEW	Ryan Fraser	Bournemouth	Scotland International, winger, £12m turned down last window	Metro; was hot topic last year as well.
12	Bruno Fuchs	Internacional	Centre back	Zero Hora, TBC
13	Antoine Griezmann	Barcelona	£90m for the forward.  PSG Man Utd, Chelsea, also interested	Express, the Star and Mirror, Last Word on Football
14	Diogo Jota	Wolverhampton	He’s a 23 year old forward	Sport Review, 4th official, Mail, FoLo, Whoscored
15	Gabriel	Lille	Defender  £40m	Everton also want him (Mirror)
NEW	Pape Gueye,	Le Harvre	Defensive midfield	Liverpool also interested.  Folo, World of Football.
16	Calum Kavanagh	Middlesbrough	16 year old ; forward	Lancs Post, The 72, Northern Echo
17	Orkun Kokcu	Feyenoord	19 year old midfielder	Express, FoLo
NEW	Matty Longstaff	Newcastle	Central midfielder who will leave on a free	The Mirror; Team Talk
20	Dejan Lovren	Liverpool	Defender. Tottenham interested	Express, HITC, FoLo
NEW	Evan N’Dicka	Eintracht Frankfurt	€24m-rated France U21 international, He is left-footed, and 20-year-old	Sempre Milan, Daily Canon and Sky, Star.  Liverpool also interested.
22	Ruben Neves	Wolverhampton	Midfield	Sports Mole
23	Thomas Partey	Atletico Madrid	Midfielder	Metro, Goal.  Squawka quote €50m.  HITC also
NEW	Declan Rice	West Ham	Holding midfielder in the style of Gilberto	Express (according to Arsenal “legend” P Merson)
Update	Chris Smalling	Roma on loan from Man U	Centre back	Just Arsenal News; Arsenal lauch £25m bid; Mirror
NEW	Carlos Soler	Valencia	Central or right midfield	Sky Sports, Standard, FoLo
NEW	Malick Thiaw	Schalke 04.	18 year old central defender	Sport Review; Daily Mail Liverpool and Man C also interested.
NEW	Dayot Upamecano	RB Leipzig	Central defender.  Was all the rage as a transfer a year ago	Football.London
29	Chris Wood	Burnley	Replacement for Aubameyang	Lancs Live, Who Scored, Up the clarets and Team Talk
NEW	Freddie Woodman	Newcastle on loan at Swansea	Goalkeeper, 23 years old	Chronicle, Sun, Wales online. Totts and Everton interested