By Sir Hardly Anyone
Well yes, there is a growing awareness that civilisation as we know it has come to an end, and there is no football being played. But we still have a bunch of bananas writing in the national newspapers and associated websites and they are determined to pretend that everything will start again on June 1, with both football coming back and the transfer window creaking open.
Actually that last point is vitally important; it creaks open but slams shut. I mention that just in case you are suddenly called upon to write a column for the Daily Turnip on Arsenal’s latest rumours, largely because all of the existing journalists have gone down with pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis – the disease with the longest name in the medical dictionary, and thus always worth learning just in case.
Meanwhile it is very amusing to see a transfer possible to be cited as coming with “Arsene Wenger’s seal of approval”. Oh my, he never got that when he was manager, despite the string of brilliant transfers he arranged.
So here we are, at the end of civilisation as we know it, acting out the 1975 TV drama “Survivors” created by Terry Nation who also created Daleks and “Blake’s 7” (which they kindly let Tony get involved in, much to the hardcore fans disgust, so don’t ever go out for a drink with him – when the pubs re-open because he’ll gone on and on about his BBC days and really it is all a bit much…).
Anyway, I don’t think any channel has run Survivors again (I must have missed it if they have) probably because it is just too much like what we actually have now. Had anyone taken any notice of the show we wouldn’t have all this problem now, but do they listen?
But enough of this, none of this virus stuff is actually happening, it is all a government fake news ploy, and I know this for sure because the transfer stories are running like there is no tomorrow (which now I come to think about it is perhaps not the best choice of words at this time, but I expect Tony will sort that out when he edits my fine prose).
We are now up to 30 transfers and the window opens in a mere 63 days. Slacking behind a little I think.
I used to the think that the number of rumours stagnated because the journalist fiction writers were spending too much time in the Toppled Bollard, but the Bollard has shut its doors, so they can’t be in there. It must be alcohol shortage that is slowing the old buzzards down.
|1||Miguel Almiron||Newcastle||Their top scorer||Media Referee|
|2||Leon Bailey||Bayer Leverkusen||Chelsea also want him. £85m fee.||Just Arsenal|
|3||Dani Ceballos||Real Mad||Currently on loan||Express|
|Update||Barcelona||Attacking midfielder on loan at Bayern. Being talked up as a near certainty||Talksport, Express|
|5||Marc Cucurella||Barcelona||Left back or wide midfield||FoLo £20.9m|
|6||Jonathan David||Gent||Second striker||Football.London|
|8||Issa Diop||WHU||Centre back for £60m||Mirror, Metro, Read Arsenal, HITC, West Sussex Today, Sun|
|NEW||Odsonne Edouard||Celtic||£50m; goalscoring forward|
||Nebil Fekir||Real Betis|
|13||Antoine Griezmann||Barcelona||£90m for the forward. PSG Man Utd, Chelsea, also interested|
|14||Diogo Jota||Wolverhampton||He’s a 23 year old forward||Sport Review, 4th official, Mail, FoLo, Whoscored|
||Lille||Defender £40m||Everton also want him (Mirror)|
|NEW||Pape Gueye,||Le Harvre||Defensive midfield||Liverpool also interested. Folo, World of Football.|
|16||Calum Kavanagh||Middlesbrough||16 year old ; forward||Lancs Post, The 72, Northern Echo|
|17||Orkun Kokcu||Feyenoord||19 year old midfielder||Express, FoLo|
|NEW||Matty Longstaff||Newcastle||Central midfielder who will leave on a free||The|
|20||Dejan Lovren||Liverpool||Defender. Tottenham interested||Express, HITC, FoLo|
|NEW||Evan N’Dicka||Eintracht Frankfurt||€24m-rated France U21 international, He is left-footed, and 20-year-old|
|22||Ruben Neves||Wolverhampton||Midfield||Sports Mole|
|23||Thomas Partey||Atletico Madrid||Midfielder||Metro, Goal. Squawka quote €50m. HITC also|
|NEW||Declan Rice||West Ham||Holding midfielder in the style of Gilberto||Express (according to Arsenal “legend” P Merson)|
|Update||Chris Smalling||Roma on loan from Man U||Centre back||Just Arsenal News; Arsenal lauch £25m bid; Mirror|
|NEW||Carlos Soler||Valencia||Central or right midfield||Sky Sports, Standard, FoLo|
|NEW||Malick Thiaw||Schalke 04.||18 year old central defender||Sport Review; Daily Mail Liverpool and Man C also interested.|
|NEW||Dayot Upamecano||RB Leipzig||Central defender. Was all the rage as a transfer a year ago||Football.London|
|29||Chris Wood||Burnley||Replacement for Aubameyang|
|NEW||Freddie Woodman||Newcastle on loan at Swansea||Goalkeeper, 23 years old|
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- The final transfer rumours: 3 new names to make 66 players tipped for Arsenal
- What the media won’t tell you about football, part 3 – referee home bias
- The real live facts that the media won’t ever touch (part 2)