According to reports on Team Talk today, the Bank of England has lost the pound, sending Arsenal FC into chaos. Numerous players – most notably Andre Adebayor, Armand Almunia and Amaury Arshavin – have demanded an immediate renegotiation of their contracts.
“I had no idea that the pound could be lost,” said the Russian ringmaster, the French favourite, and the Spanish Shotstopper. Chelsea are set to appeal.
Bank of England officials said that there was nothing unusual in losing the pound, and that it was probably behind the toaster and would turn up again quite soon. “It happens all the time,” announced Sir Hardly Anyone, President of the Board of Bored Bankers who now run Liverpool FC. “I don’t think we should make such a fuss about our national currency. I lose quite a bit of it every day, but it doesn’t matter. It’s never my money.”
Team Talk correspondents however were unimpressed by this explanation. “I think that Arsenal will have to sell the team now,” said PostNicker of Pimlico. “I suspect that Wenger will use Chelsea as a bargaining counter and invade Poland.”
A reply from NeverWroteAWord said, “I don’t see Chelsea as an old lady afraid of a mouse. I see it more as a tube line that has been overtaken by a train, thus knocking all the stations from here to Arnos Grove off track. I saw a dismantled pope sliding along the platform at Cockfosters today.” (That post was copied from “The Day Today” on Radio 4, and had nothing to do with earlier correspondence.)
“The next thing we know,” said WhoseWordsAreThese, of Gettysburg, “is that Wenger will ask for understanding! He’ll probably say that he didn’t see the incident with the station, and blame the herring harvest. We’ll end up in the Southern League next year if we don’t buy Barcelona.”
PickBrain was fast in reply. “I heard that a two year old fish died at sea,” he wrote, and few chose to disagree.
ByeBye then wrote in to say that he had heard that Wenger had just signed a four year old hermaphrodite from Iraq and was touting him/her as the solution to the defensive midfield position, while NeverWroteAWord came back with the news that the lost pound had now been replaced by a pint of bitter and was available again in Ponders End.
But this was as nothing when compared with the news that the Liverpool chief executive Rick “Rick” Parry, has been convened by the sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe. Apparently LiverpoolRick is being asked to investigate match fixing.
Of course the notion that someone from Liverpool might be involved in heading a match fixing enquiry brought tears to the eyes of everyone. “1-0 with a dubious penalty in front of the cop in the last three minutes in 23 games in five years in the 1980s” said one correspondent, who in posting a serious and original point appeared to have misunderstood the point of the Team Talk blog.
Meanwhile the Star reported that an explosion of topless clerics on the A10 has shifted the Great Cambridge Road to the right, leaving it in Norfolk where it had hit the steeplechaser Erupted Toupee, removing him from the running at Chepstow tomorrow. “I don’t really mind,” said trainer Whiphand Beater, “the going was flappy to amorous, and that never suits Erupted at this time of the month.”
The Times noted that the removal of the A10 has consequences for doughty EPL manager-sackers, Tottenham H. “We appreciate that our supporters will have a slightly longer journey than normal next year,” said Mr Wedgewood Wedgewood, head of crockery at the Tiny Totts training terrace, “but we would remind our fans that we scored over 40 goals last season. Seven Sisters Road is rising, and if everything stays the same it should be downhill all the way.”
The Guardian says Chelsea have announced that they will impose sanctions on any club trying to move its stadium through what it called “fake and fraudulent earthquakey devises,” and have appealed to FIFA. A notice to this effect on the club’s website was later removed and replaced by a toasted cheesey. The FA have asked the Liverpool FC chief executive Rick Parry to be convened.
The Mirror reports today that Hull City management have claimed that in every game last season the 11 players of the other team should never have been on the pitch, were all wearing wholly inappropriate clothing, while the ref was breathing in an offensive and provocative manner. The Liverpool FC chief executive Rick Parry, has been convened by the sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe with instruction to fine the lickspitters 3.5p.
Meanwhile the Sun says that it has discovered a plan to build the new ground at White Hart Lane out of nine injured Welshmen and a dead sheep. “We tried using broken glass and a packet of crisps but the FA objected and convened Rick Parry,” said Sid “Cutter” Cutter, the chief architect. “Moving us to Norfolk could allow us to be Norwich In Disguise and I think that would be good. Arsenal haven’t beaten Norwich for at least ten years.”
According to the Daily Mail Birmingham is the “Swine Flu Capital of the World” and this has led to calls by Newcastle Zebras’ Supremo and GruppenFuhrer Jack “BigBelly” BigBelly for all matches against Birmingham LieDown and Aston HoldYourHead to be cancelled with the points being given to Newcastle by default. When it was pointed out to the owner that as a relegated team they would not play either the LieDowns or HoldYourHead he burped, and offered to sell the club for 50p and an bunch of lupines.
Elsewhere it was revealed in the Express that the thief who has been roaming the football clubs of Cornwall and stealing the grass is none other than Catchphrase McGuppy, the Archbishop of Manchester. Upon being arrested he claimed he was trying to borrow a lawnmower from his parishioners all of whom live in the area.
Après finally, the Blackburn Bugle reports that the ghost of Mussolini’s widow has invaded a dress shop near the Angel. London Transport have been informed.
“Now,” said the editor, “I defy anyone to take any of this and copy it on Team Talk.”
“I don’t think anyone will find this at all amusing,” said the proof-reader.
“No, but I enjoyed writing it,” replied the ed, “and besides the bit about Liverpool FC chief executive Rick Parry being asked by sport minister Gerry Sutcliffe to investigate match fixing is true, and that’s the funniest thing I’ve head in years. No one could ever make that up.”
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