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Where’s my money?

By Billy “the Dog” McGraw

OK I have had enough of this.

I have been dutifully working for Untold Arsenal for four years, and never once have I had a penny.  Not a cent.

OK there have been a few pints of beer en route but now I want my share.  I mean it now says on the site that Untold got over half a million visits last month!!!!!  And what did I get?  I mean I cook and clean for these guys, I write occasional articles, I scrub their trainers, I work out Dogface’s statistics for him, I buy the papers and ship them out to Anne, I bribe the refs, and I singlehandedly scuppered the PGMOL web site.  And for what?

I know I am owed because I’ve been looking at that web site El Grovista (written by a mate of Perry’s I think) and that Arsenal Blues Review thing (written by a man who wrote a book which doesn’t have nearly as many funny bits as “Making the Arsenal”) and they both tell me, day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day that Untold writers are paid by Arsenal to write our stuff.

Even one of our old pals who used to write that hilarious set of commentaries which no one could understand – he says it.  Untold is paid for by Arsenal!

I am sure they are right.  I’ve never trusted that bunch who run this site.   I mean, just look at their picture at the top of the page.  Have you ever seen such a dubious looking pair?  And how did they get onto the pitch anyway?  Five a side game?  I doubt it!

So, Untold is paid for by Arsenal FC – got to be.  You want evidence?  I’ll give you evidence.

Getting the inside story was of course easy for someone like me with 15 years hard labour at the News of the World.  A quick phone tap (you would not believe how the price of phone tapping has come down with all the old NoW people now on the scrap heap – they’ll set you up for nothing and its just 5p per tapped call) and I bugged (as we pros call it) the Untold building.

And I have been listening in.  And do I have a story to tell!

It is all there.  It all happens.   Daily phone calls between the club and Untold.  Never stops.  What to write, how to write it, when to write it, how to spell it.  Like,

“Now about this youngster we’ve spotted at Exeter City, can you make sure no one touches that until we’ve signed him – and if you spot it on any other blog, rubbish the story ok.  Right now about Rangers FC, whatever you do, don’t let on that we are putting in a bid.  Oh and we are planning to poison the water supply at White Hart Lane next season – keep that one quiet too….”

They even had a chat on what sort of coverage should be given when Arsenal lose.  Suggestions about focussing on the quality of the coffee up the upper deck, that sort of thing.

There is in fact nothing that Untold won’t do to rake in the Arsenal cash.   Any moment now they will be doing a load of publicity about the club opening a store in Brent Cross Shopping Centre, talking up the new series of shops that will be opened through the summer.

It is just the sort of thing Untold will celebrate.   Quite probably they’ll try and get their new “Woolwich Arsenal, the club that changed football” book in the shop too.  Any minute now they will say, “The Brent Cross development is an exciting addition to the club’s retail arm and further evidence of the Club expanding and investing. The new store will help the Club to engage with supporters from a wider area and reduce our reliance on supporters visiting shops on a match day. Our aim is to create a destination which is fresh and innovative and which fans will find appealing. ”  You see if they don’t.

But they are canny I’ll give them that.  I’ll tell you what they will do with this article when they see it.  They’ll get their acolytes to write in and say, “what a pathetic load of rubbish” and “I suppose this is supposed to be funny” and “get a life” and “you’ve been on your own too long” and “you pathetic little wind-bag” and that sort of thing.  Just see if they don’t.  (Over half of the emails – particularly all the critical ones – that you see on this site are written by the management at Untold in order to try and deflect attention from what they are really up to.)

So this will show them.  Untold is the mouthpiece of the club, even when it isn’t.  I am arranging a vote between all the staff at Untold to get that Attwood character removed and our old chum Rhys installed as editor in chief.  Just you wait.

You heard it here, well, last – but that doesn’t make it untrue.

 

62 comments to Where’s my money?

  • Billy the Dog

    I suppose this is supposed to be funny

  • Tony… my share of the dough please; or I’m calling a strike.

    Oh and if you could ask your BEST MATE Wenger to arrange for Ludivine Kadri Sagna to deliver it to my cell in the basement I would be most grateful.

    Regards,

    DogFace

    Untold Arsenal Trade Union Leader

  • Uni

    About time you came out with the “truth”!

    :p

  • Oh – if you could pay me in actual dough – that will be fine… I’m very hungry.

    Cookie dough if you have it – failing that, some kind of bread with herbs?

  • Lady Fortnum n Mason

    I really don’t know what to think. Is it true? Walter, what’s your take on all this?

  • iniez

    The deception!

  • WalterBroeckx

    Billy has even removed the picture….

  • Look at Walter’s picture – that’s him with Thomas Vermaelen!

    😮

    It all adds up… Et tu, Broeckx?

  • WalterBroeckx

    Nah listen guys and girls you know the cost of raising 4 children? You know the cost of going to the Emirates from over here? our old chum RJ knows.

    So what would you do if you would have been in my place? Accept the money or refuse it? What was I supposed to do?

    Okay, now my wife is questioning me: where did I leave all the money. Ooooohh I’m in trouble now.

    To be serious now: I haven’t had a laugh like this with something on the internet for a while. Thanks Billy. 🙂

  • Algenon Fitzgibbon-beater

    I suppose you think this is clever. Well let me tell you, you will never be half the man you think you are. You are pathetic and childish and those people at Ler Thingy are twice the gum tree that you are up and you don’t even know where to begin. Let me tell you something. This is so stupid you don’t even know how stupid this is. I suppose you will edit this or change it to try and make me look foolish well it won’t work. Everyone knows you are pathetic and childish and total prats and you don’t even start to get how wrong you are. You are just stupid. I suppose you think this is clever. Well let me tell you, you will never be half the man you think you are. You are pathetic and childish and those people at Ler Thingy are twice the gum tree that you are up and you don’t even know where to begin. Let me tell you something. This is so stupid you don’t even know how stupid this is. I suppose you will edit this or change it to try and make me look foolish well it won’t work. Everyone knows you are pathetic and childish and total prats and you don’t even start to get how wrong you are. You are just stupid. Do I really have to say everything twice to get you to take any notice. I said do I really have to say everything twice to get you to take any notice.

    IGNORE WHAT I JUST SAID – TONY IS GREAT AND A JOLLY NICE BLOKE!

  • Don’t listen to him – they’re in cahoots – Walter, Tony and Arsene ALL with their snouts in the trough!

    Untold is rotten to the core!

    Anne, Billy, Phil sing with me!

    THERE IS POWER IN A UNION…

  • Le Grove

    Serves you lot right, so sycophantic,finally you are exposed for what you are, Wengers Lackie…..

  • Yeah – say it brother!

  • Arvind

    Terrible….Untold is unofficial Arsenal then…. right… I’m off to Le Grove then…oh wait.. ; )

  • Lewis

    Is this meant to be funny?! It sure isn’t clever.

  • robl

    Billy, you are being a tad unfair, after all remeber Untold has some
    big social costs to cover – secure facilities, tranquilizers and straight jackets for a start, and that doesn’t even go half way to covering the costs of Mr Jaggers “treatment”.

  • Outraged. I’m with dogface on this one.

  • rusty

    It explains everything! Arsenal.com ran a series last summer of “profiles of players we may not be in for but you’ve heard about in the media”, and now Untold is doing one this spring!

    Rhys, why have you forsaken us?

  • ak47

    i knew summit was up with this site, way too rational, reasoned, articulate, respectful etc…geppetto and pinocchio has-beens onto you for years.

    well next time you see your so called lord venga for payment give him a message from me…..

    good job:-)

  • ak47

    oh bloody yh rusty! how did i forget about mr moriarty. lol he’s a hoot.

  • WalterBroeckx

    The picture of me with Vermaelen was indeed taken just after we were caught by the detectives send over by the people who have unmasked us now.

    Vermaelen was send on a secret mission by Arsenal to meet me and so we met last May in a very secret hiding place amongst some 400 other people who witnessed when Vermaelen signed me over what was mine….. his signature on my Arsenal shirt. 😉

  • The Spartan

    Horror of horrors untold is a pro arsenal site, what a big surprise!I swear I had no idea!No wonder they never insult our players!I’ll rather go to Arsenal Mania,Le grove etc for the real doom and gloom, stuff I really want to hear!

  • C4

    I suppose this is supposed to be funny.
    😐

  • Gord

    DogFace, will this handle things?

    http://images.mylot.com/userImages/images/postphotos/1641575.jpg

    (No idea how to include an image here.)

  • jake

    @dogface herbs hmm what herbs)) lavender ,fennel? or something else

  • FinnGooner

    i’m laughing so much that i’m not sure if I can write well…. Even comments hahahahah…
    This also explains why Untold has so often been on Arsenal.com’s media watch (are they making sure that people read what they are paying for).

    Tony just give Billy a dog chocolate or biscuit and he will be happy and forget the money 😉

  • Stuart

    I’ve just had an email from Arsenal offering me a free £2 bet. Maybe that is the money they are talking about.

  • WalterBroeckx

    Stuart, and we thought we were the only ones to get this mail over here… LOL

  • Domhuaille MacMathghamhna

    Shame..shame..shame…implications,rumours,hints of corruption in Football now collaboration between AFC,Wenger and the Tony/Walter/Dogface/Anne cabal! All my faith in everything non-religious has now gone out the door! Down the toilet, flushed away with the vain hopes like Arsenal winning a trophy someday, Walcott playing two good games in a row, a home penalty being awarded at the Emirates before 2099, EUFA choosing Wenger as their favourite manager (actually that did happen!),the AAAs all repenting and finally joining the human race,finding an honest politician or an intelligent Spud, ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I could go on forever but to save those mirthless, humour-impaired Gooners like C4 and Lewis, I’ll end it immediately!

  • Stuart

    Aaah, well, you may not have been aware that I along with most of the other people who post on here are also on the payroll. They even tell us what to write most of the time 😉

  • Arvind

    You’re wrong Stuart. Its just Tony and Walter who post as aliases all over this blog. In fact I think there is no Stuart and its Tony who is masquerading as you. Ha. Gotcha.

  • Mahdain

    @Arvind shit i was hoping that wouldnt come out in the open… Yes its me Walter who has been posting as Mahdain,Mandy,bjtgooner,stuart and Tony posting as bob,Gord,dan & shard..
    You got us alright

  • Wooby

    Dog – were you recently visited by the DEAN who threatened to ensnare you in a WEBB of ManUre unless you expose Tony and Walter as Steve Bould and Pat Rice (respectively)????

    Good stuff … I am still laughing 😀

  • Reviewer02

    I charge by the hour

    4 hours per review

    Shit, I am rich, beyound mywildest dreams, tony I have a PayPal acc

    ;}

  • I am the walrus

  • Matt Clarke

    I’m Spartacus

  • Stuart

    Arvind, of course it’s me, Tony, but I can’t tell you that!!

  • Stuart

    Hi, Walter here. How dare you accuse me of posting under several aliases!!! 🙁

  • Stuart

    Ooops, wrong profile!

  • Goona Gal

    I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next!

  • Christ… shit just got real!

  • Goona Gal

    As mentioned us commenter’s need payment too, I would settle for the £9.00 note owed and some of those biscuits being talked about….

  • Goona Gal

    @ Dog face, look we are talking moolah, I for one have got to eat! Haha!

  • The Spartan

    All this Money Wenger(Anne on Untold)is pumping towards securing Arsenal’s future could be best used to secure the services of Messi,Cr7,Neymar,Kagawa,Hazard,MviLla and everyone else mentioned in the Media cause our current squad are shite!Piers Morgan with Rhys as his no.2 and the AAA as consultants can steer us to glory.Who needs the sensible Wenger, his proven track record and all his qualifications?

  • Matt Clarke

    Dearest Mr Billy “the Dog” McGraw,
    Hello my dearest friend.
    Confidential Business Proposal

    Having read your heartfelt plea; having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Norf London Chambers Of Commerce And Industry, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer the sum of $47,500,000.00 (forty seven million, five hundred thousand United States dollars) into your accounts. The above sum is the amounts due to you for services executed, commissioned and paid for about five years (5) ago by a foreign contractor. This action was however intentional and since then the fund has been in a suspense account at The Central Bank Of Norf London.

    We are now ready to transfer the fund and that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that as civil servants, we are forbidden to operate a bank account; that is why we require your assistance. The total sum will be shared as follows: 70% for us, 25% for you and 5% for local and international expenses incidental to the transfer.

    The transfer is risk free on both sides. I am an accountant with the Norf London Petroleum Corporation (NLPC). If you find this proposal acceptable, we shall require the following documents:

    (a) your banker’s name, telephone, account and fax numbers.

    (b) your private telephone and fax numbers —for confidentiality and easy communication.

    (c) your letter-headed paper stamped and signed.

    (d) Anne’s favourite cheese.

    Alternatively we will furnish you with the text of what to type into your letter-headed paper, along with a breakdown explaining, comprehensively what we require of you. The business will take us thirty (30) working days to accomplish.

    Please reply urgently.

    Best regards

  • Gord

    I was kind of hoping that someone would insert that image into my posting, instead of having the URL. But, someone made up a fake $1,000,000 CDN bill, and the image shows the front and back of this fake bill.

  • Goona Gal

    @ Matt Clarke, I would like to formally register my interest – just as soon as I get my £9 note in the post, you can count me in! Seems like a better business investment than Apple or some other silly stock!

    Someone keeps coughing ‘419’ in the background, but I have no idea why…

  • Matt Clarke

    @Goona Gal:
    😀 – no worries – you’ll get the email soon enough 😉

  • bob

    Dog,
    The truth of the Conspiracy Theory that you offer is now affirmed. The “monocled one” has written me to say that the Video Replay of Tony getting handed a rather bulging envelope from PHW in his private box during Walter’s recent visit to the Emirates. This was no fucking coincidence, no way! Tony and Walter protested way too much. You see it does even out in the end after all. For shame! Vigilance! (Bow-Wow 🙂 )

  • bob

    ^he’s got the Video Replay

  • bjtgooner

    @bob

    Can you be sure the bulging envelope was not full of dog biscuits stolen from Rosie?

  • WalterBroeckx

    You would at least expect Arsenal to give me a free ticket but just received my credit card bill and they charged my ticket for the last home game against Norwich.

    I don’t get even that from Arsenal…. 😉

  • Damien Luu

    “Oh and we are planning to poison the water supply at White Hart Lane next season – keep that one quiet too….”

    Billy, can you please (secretly of course) tell AFC that I volunteer for this job? 😀 Laughed my hell out, pal 😀

  • Arvind

    @The Spartan: Lol. Good one. I love this thread and all its comments too. Specially the Le Grove one on Page 1 : D

  • Mahdain

    seriously Billy big props to you..laughed so much

  • Untold Acolyte

    What a pathetic load of rubbish – I suppose this is supposed to be funny? You’ve been on your own too long, you pathetic little wind-bag. Get a life.

  • Ugandan Goon

    you’ve been alone too long, you pathetic little wind-bag!
    double bubble, ha!

  • One of the most amusing things is to see comments by people who while pretending to be grown up have failed to recognise the simplest fact, that most people learn in childhood, that there are many thousands of different types of humour. Some people have no humour at all, others laugh at “Carry on” films, some find the misfortune of others amusing, some laugh at a play on words…

    But there are those folk who simply don’t realise this, and so if they don’t find anything funny, they just think that the person saying or writing it is pathetic, stupid and so forth – whereas in fact it is their inability to grasp the simple fact that there are multiple forms of humour that makes them look so foolish, and indeed makes them a figure of fun.

    Likewise there are those who think that it is somehow intelligent to call another person “pathetic” – as if one or two sentences including some abuse is a sign of intelligence. That is just such a faux pas that one hardly needs describe it further.

    Keep them coming lads – we’re laughing at you, even if you are not laughing with us.

  • That’s all very well and good Tony but where’s my share of the loot?

    Billy, make yourself useful – milk and two sugars please.

  • Stuart

    Strange how Untold Acolyte has an avatar with a monocole

  • Ugandan Goon

    too right, dogface,
    ‘e can tell ‘is paffetic paymaster no money, no sense of humour. end of.
    Ps. does that mean he might not be getting paid ‘imself, judging by that last entry?