By Sir Hardly Anyone
Enough! I hear you cry. It was all a hoax it was all a sham, and these bloggettists and their journo colleagues go on remorselessly. Higuain has been removed from the lists of all but the most hardy and despatches have been sent out. “We need a new Arsenal hoax!”
For sunday cannot be sunday without a transfer to Arsenal where the board has been too slow or Mr Wenger has been a-looking in the wrong direction.
What we need are more players who are “set to” arrive/leave “according to …”
So those wretched buzzards who fill the editorial room at Untold Mansions have set the task for finding new newspapers and bloggettists. And that is what I have ten, to bring you Ten (yes 10, not nine and a half not 11.1 but ten) 10 Tales from Newspapers You’ve Never Heard Of.
From the Basque newspaper Eguneko Lelokeriak
Arsenal are 3/10 odds on favourites to sign Mauro Icardi from Inter Milan. Chelsea are a mere 5 to 2 and those Tiny Totts are just so far out at 4/1 that they are probably driving the wrong way down a one way street in the pouring rain (as the old country and western song says).
(Pauses to pick up guitar)
(Is subjected to mindless abuse)
(Puts down guitar)
Indeed the agent was spotted at the airport buying a copy of “I spy football clubs”. Arsenal are said to be desperate to sign him (the player not the agent)
|Seasons||Team||Lge Games||Lge Goals|
Arsenal have been alerted to the availability of Barcelona midfielder Arda Turan after it emerged during a late night drinking session in a bar near the Cathedral that he can go. He is a curious fellow in that he went to Barce when they were unable to sign anyone because of their child trafficking activities, and so he sat around not playing.
3: It’s Lacazette all the way
From Verzonnen Verhalen
Yes, he’s told Lyon, that he wants to leave. “I thought I would be working with lions in an arena,” he told Verzonnen. Turns out Lyon is just the club’s name
Telegraph Sport (a comic strip) reported that the Gunners were willing to meet the Frenchman’s minimum release clause, but talks between the two parties had stalled since then. I told them to push the clutch down FIRST but would they listen?
So maybe not after all.
|Seasons||Team||Lge Games||Lge Goals|
4: Erik Tobias Sandberg
Now this one should be ok because it was in the Sun. “Arsenal have seen off Manchester United to sign wonderkid Erik Tobias Sandberg. The 16-year-old defender has captained Norway Under-16s and is considered “a prospect.”
“The report goes on to claim that the defender has been offered a scholarship deal that will turn into a professional contract when he turns 17 in February,” pronounces Simon Rice of the Metro. “While Arsenal fans will be sure to welcome Sandberg to the club, the youngster still appears some way from first team action. Supporters will be hoping that the club can now secure some players that can make an instant impact. I know this because I am a mind reader.”
5. Police called to Derry Street London W8 after a number of residents announced that Simon Rice had been going around stealing their hopes, without permission.
6/7: Denayer and Ginter
For some reason every paper prints these two together.
Arsenal could make a surprise move for Manchester City defender Jason Denayer as well as Borussia Dortmund’s Matthias Ginter as Arsene Wenger looks to target new defensive options for the future, with both players under 22 years of age.
This first appeared in Soccer Muļķības, which speaketh thus:
Wenger is said to have bid for Denayer last summer, but saw a £5m bid rejected and the former Anderlecht academy defender went on to sign a new contract on wages of around £25,000-a-week. The deal is now £10m.
Ginter meanwhile has been on Wenger Radar (a 21st century Radio Luxembourg) since his days at Freiburg, and the 21-year-old has represented Germany on nine occasions since making his debut shortly before the 2014 World Cup.
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8: Arsenal are tracking young German midfielder Philipp Ochs.
This is in Bild. He’s 19, he’s a German youth international, the scouts have been out and they reckon he’s a cracker. He’s under contract until 2019, made 12 appearances last season.