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October 2016
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The ten Arsenal transfer deals that you will be told are DONE this coming week

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Enough! I hear you cry.  It was all a hoax it was all a sham, and these bloggettists and their journo colleagues go on remorselessly.  Higuain has been removed from the lists of all but the most hardy and despatches have been sent out.  “We need a new Arsenal hoax!”

For sunday cannot be sunday without a transfer to Arsenal where the board has been too slow or Mr Wenger has been a-looking in the wrong direction.

What we need are more players who are “set to” arrive/leave “according to …”

So those wretched buzzards who fill the editorial room at Untold Mansions have set the task for finding new newspapers and bloggettists.  And that is what I have ten, to bring you Ten (yes 10, not nine and a half not 11.1 but ten) 10 Tales from Newspapers You’ve Never Heard Of.

1: Icardi

From the Basque newspaper Eguneko Lelokeriak

Arsenal are 3/10 odds on favourites to sign Mauro Icardi from Inter Milan.  Chelsea are a mere 5 to 2 and those Tiny Totts are just so far out at 4/1 that they are probably driving the wrong way down a one way street in the pouring rain (as the old country and western song says).

(Pauses to pick up guitar)


(Is subjected to mindless abuse)

(Puts down guitar)

Indeed the agent was spotted at the airport buying a copy of “I spy football clubs”.  Arsenal are said to be desperate to sign him (the player not the agent)

Seasons Team Lge Games Lge Goals
2012–2013 Sampdoria 33 11
2013– Inter Milan 88 47

Arsenal have been alerted to the availability of Barcelona midfielder Arda Turan after it emerged during a late night drinking session in a bar near the Cathedral that he can go.  He is a curious fellow in that he went to Barce when they were unable to sign anyone because of their child trafficking activities, and so he sat around not playing.

He’s 29, and made nine starts and nine sub appearances.  Chelsea are said to be something or other.
But woe woe and thrice woe Arda wants to stay at Barcelona.  “I sit around a lot and don’t do much and they pay me,” he said, “why the hell would I ever want to leave?”  Juventus and Borussia Dortmund are monitoring, but that is the sort of filthy habit some of these foreigners have.

“The rumours saying he is leaving Barcelona are false, he is happy at the club,” the agent, Ahmet Bulut announced from his prison cell following the roundup of all Turkish agents provocateur.

Seasons Team Lge Games Lge Goals
2004–2011 Galatasaray 130 29
2006 Manisaspor (loan) 15 2
2011–2015 Atlético Madrid 127 13
2015– Barcelona 18 2

3:  It’s Lacazette all the way

From Verzonnen Verhalen

Yes, he’s told Lyon, that he wants to leave.  “I thought I would be working with lions in an arena,” he told Verzonnen.  Turns out Lyon is just the club’s name

Telegraph Sport (a comic strip) reported that the Gunners were willing to meet the Frenchman’s minimum release clause, but talks between the two parties had stalled since then.  I told them to push the clutch down FIRST but would they listen?

So maybe not after all.

Seasons Team Lge Games Lge Goals
2010– Lyon 173 72

4: Erik Tobias Sandberg

Now this one should be ok because it was in the Sun.  “Arsenal have seen off Manchester United to sign wonderkid Erik Tobias Sandberg. The 16-year-old defender has captained Norway Under-16s and is considered “a prospect.”

“The report goes on to claim that the defender has been offered a scholarship deal that will turn into a professional contract when he turns 17 in February,” pronounces Simon Rice of the Metro.  “While Arsenal fans will be sure to welcome Sandberg to the club, the youngster still appears some way from first team action. Supporters will be hoping that the club can now secure some players that can make an instant impact.  I know this because I am a mind reader.”

5.  Police called to Derry Street London W8 after a number of residents announced that Simon Rice had been going around stealing their hopes, without permission.

6/7: Denayer and Ginter

For some reason every paper prints these two together.

Arsenal could make a surprise move for Manchester City defender Jason Denayer as well as Borussia Dortmund’s Matthias Ginter as Arsene Wenger looks to target new defensive options for the future, with both players under 22 years of age.

This first appeared in Soccer Muļķības, which speaketh thus:

Wenger is said to have bid for Denayer last summer, but saw a £5m bid rejected and the former Anderlecht academy defender went on to sign a new contract on wages of around £25,000-a-week.  The deal is now £10m.

Ginter meanwhile has been on Wenger Radar (a 21st century Radio Luxembourg) since his days at Freiburg, and the 21-year-old has represented Germany on nine occasions since making his debut shortly before the 2014 World Cup.


Seasons Team Lge Games Goals
2014– Manchester Airport 0 0
2014–2015 Celtic (loan) 29 5
2015–2016 Galatasaray (loan) 17 0
Season Team Lge Games Goals
2012–2014 SC Freiburg 70 2
2014– Borussia Dortmund 35 3
2015 Borussia Dortmund II 2 0

8:  Arsenal are tracking young German midfielder Philipp Ochs.

This is in Bild.  He’s 19, he’s a German youth international, the scouts have been out and they reckon he’s a cracker.   He’s under contract until 2019, made 12 appearances last season.

Spain’s Sin Sentido Extraordinaria has announced Arsenal are interested in Newcastle’s Moussa Sissoko, and have duly told the Sun who have run the story without checking.

Seasons Team Lge Games Goals
2007–2013 Toulouse 192 20
2013– Newcastle United 118 11

10:  Napoli could sell Koulibaly to Gunners

Arsenal are reportedly at the head of the queue in the race to sign £37 million-rated Napoli star Kalidou Koulibaly.

Now this one ought to be true because it comes from Prodigiosum Facere Credentes, the Vatican’s football daily.    Chelsea and Everton have also been strongly linked with a move for the Senegalese international, but Chelsea made an illegal approach for Koulibaly in June and so they have been told to Effugere in no uncertain terms, or so His Holiness asserts.

Seasons Team Lge Games Goals
2010–2012 Metz 41 (1)
2012–2014 Racing Genk 64 (3)
2014– Napoli 60 (1)
11:  Gunners have free run at Bacca (11 since one of the above wasn’t really a story)

AC Milan are hoping Arsenal will bid for striker Carlos Bacca, according to The Daily Star after the old chap said that he didn’t want to work for a bunch of ex-pornographers and jailbirds who were given their stadium for nothing.

Seasons Team Lge Games Lge Goals
2006–2011 Atlético Junior 97 50
2006 Barranquilla (loan) 27 11
2007–2008 Minervén (loan) 29 12
2008 Barranquilla (loan) 19 14
2012–2013 Club Brugge 45 28
2013–2015 Sevilla 72 34
2015– Milan 38 18
  • Eguneko Lelokeriak (Basque: Daily Nonsense)
  • Nogomet Gluposti (Bosian: Football Gibberish)
  • Metro (English for the under 6s)
  • Verzonnen Verhalen (Dutch: Invented Tales)
  • The Sun (English: We’re fugs and that’s how we like it)
  • Soccer Muļķības (Latvian: Football Rubbish)
  • Sin Sentido Extraordinaria (Spanish: Bizarre Nonsense)
  • Prodigiosum Facere Credentes (Latin: Strange Make Believe)
  • Daily Star (English: Appalling codswallop)



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9 comments to The ten Arsenal transfer deals that you will be told are DONE this coming week

  • colario

    Did they really say this?

    At last England have appointed a manager who speaks English better than the players.
    Brian Clough on the appointment of Sven Goran Eriksson as England manager.

    The most educated person at Real Madrid is the woman who cleans the toilets.
    Joan Gaspart, Barcelona vice-president, 1997

    Then my eyesight started to go and I took up refereeing.

    Neil Midgley, F.A. Cup Final referee. 1987

    Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win.
    Gary Lineker, 1990

    The goal was 70% mine and 40% Wilmots.
    Ingo Anderbrügge, when playing for Schalke 04

    Ernst Kuzorra on Johannes Rau’s suggestion that football stadiums could be named after women:
    What are we supposed to call them: Ernst-Kuzorra-his-wife’s-stadium?

    Jürgen Klinsmann and I make a good trio.
    Fritz Walter jun., who then added: “I meant: quartet.”

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    Excellent Sir H! More please asap!

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    I think the Boss has quashed any insinuations form any quarters who have been insinuating some kind of thoughts saying Arsenal may not sign more than the 3 players they’ve already signed in this window.

    However, the Boss has said he’s still very much active at the market sorting out which players are available or can be sourced to sign this summer before the window closes. He has even went on to say, he is after the signing of a forward and a defender if they become available and at affordable price at the market.

    But who will those 2 players the Boss is interested to sign be, is a guess work among we the Arsenal fans as we rely mostly on the media Arsenal transfer rumours to source for Arsenal transfer news. Notwithstand this, we are also aware that most of the media rumours linking Arsenal with some players here and there to move to Arsenal are mostly speculative rumours. And we know too that no concrete rumour may exsist amongst those rumours save maybe one or two. Thus we read these rumours for funs.

    Glaudio Raneiri is trying by all means to use on Mahrez the same ploy which he has used to confused Jamie Vardy to stay on at Leicester. He has told Mahrez he’ll be made to sit on the bench at Arsenal if he should sign for us. How on earth did Raneiri knew that? Of course the Boss doesn’t guarantee any player a regular starting spot or a regular appearance for Arsenal. But if the player is always fit and in top form consistently and performing at high standard, a starting spot is a guarantee for that player at Arsenal because the Boss will always start him or give him a regular appearance. So Mahrez has nothing to fear if he falls into the categories of these players. The Boss will guarantee him a regular starting spot if he commands it. But is the Boss even after to sign Mahrez? The time will let us know that sooner than later.

  • Andy Mack

    I don’t think there’s anything to the Mahrez rumour. Yes he’d be a decent buy but we have other priorities. I’d guess the rumour started in the pub and they’re re-using the Vardy chapters.
    Having said that, I do think Mahrez is looking to leave as he’s 25 and knows the Leicester dream is unrepeatable. That’s not to say they won’t finish top 6 next season or win a cup, but they will not win the league again for many years to come.

    Whereas Vardy is 29, achieved 2 dreams of playing for England and winning the PL.
    He also knows that one injury and he’ll be dropping down the leagues but at the foxes he’s an hero who can be a legend for years to come by showing a bit of loyalty to them (whilst getting a bigger salary than he could have dreamed of when he played for Fleetwood).

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Good satire comes from anger. It comes from a sense of injustice, that there are wrongs in the world that need to be fixed. And what better place to get that well of venom and outrage boiling than a newsroom, because you’re on the front lines.
    Carl Hiaasen.

    Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.
    Alexander Pope.

    Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful.
    Molly Ivins

  • Menace

    Andy Mack
    July 24, 2016 at 12:09 pm
    ‘…they will not win the league again for many years to come.’

    Do you really know what the PGMO are capable of? Anything can happen for the right amount of dosh!

  • Norman14

    Well, who believes that Ranieri allowed his players to fly from Scotland to London when they are in the middle of a competition, and fly out to the states today?

    Don’t get me wrong, I’d take Mahrez and Sissokho even if that was the end of our business for the summer.

  • Leon

    Adidas are issuing Chelsea shirts with Mahrez name & number 7 on them, but it might be a spoof.

  • Ben

    I found this on the Arsenal reddit about Sandberg
    Not sure on the reliability though—sandberg-16-skal-ikke-til-arsenal/60333890