By Sir Hardly Anyone
Enough! I hear you cry. It was all a hoax it was all a sham, and these bloggettists and their journo colleagues go on remorselessly. Higuain has been removed from the lists of all but the most hardy and despatches have been sent out. “We need a new Arsenal hoax!”
For sunday cannot be sunday without a transfer to Arsenal where the board has been too slow or Mr Wenger has been a-looking in the wrong direction.
What we need are more players who are “set to” arrive/leave “according to …”
So those wretched buzzards who fill the editorial room at Untold Mansions have set the task for finding new newspapers and bloggettists. And that is what I have ten, to bring you Ten (yes 10, not nine and a half not 11.1 but ten) 10 Tales from Newspapers You’ve Never Heard Of.
1: Icardi
From the Basque newspaper Eguneko Lelokeriak
Arsenal are 3/10 odds on favourites to sign Mauro Icardi from Inter Milan. Chelsea are a mere 5 to 2 and those Tiny Totts are just so far out at 4/1 that they are probably driving the wrong way down a one way street in the pouring rain (as the old country and western song says).
(Pauses to pick up guitar)
(Sings)
(Is subjected to mindless abuse)
(Puts down guitar)
Indeed the agent was spotted at the airport buying a copy of “I spy football clubs”. Arsenal are said to be desperate to sign him (the player not the agent)
| Seasons | Team | Lge Games | Lge Goals |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2012–2013 | Sampdoria | 33 | 11 |
| 2013– | Inter Milan | 88 | 47 |
Arsenal have been alerted to the availability of Barcelona midfielder Arda Turan after it emerged during a late night drinking session in a bar near the Cathedral that he can go. He is a curious fellow in that he went to Barce when they were unable to sign anyone because of their child trafficking activities, and so he sat around not playing.
3: It’s Lacazette all the way
From Verzonnen Verhalen
Yes, he’s told Lyon, that he wants to leave. “I thought I would be working with lions in an arena,” he told Verzonnen. Turns out Lyon is just the club’s name
Telegraph Sport (a comic strip) reported that the Gunners were willing to meet the Frenchman’s minimum release clause, but talks between the two parties had stalled since then. I told them to push the clutch down FIRST but would they listen?
So maybe not after all.
| Seasons | Team | Lge Games | Lge Goals |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2010– | Lyon | 173 | 72 |
4: Erik Tobias Sandberg
Now this one should be ok because it was in the Sun. “Arsenal have seen off Manchester United to sign wonderkid Erik Tobias Sandberg. The 16-year-old defender has captained Norway Under-16s and is considered “a prospect.”
“The report goes on to claim that the defender has been offered a scholarship deal that will turn into a professional contract when he turns 17 in February,” pronounces Simon Rice of the Metro. “While Arsenal fans will be sure to welcome Sandberg to the club, the youngster still appears some way from first team action. Supporters will be hoping that the club can now secure some players that can make an instant impact. I know this because I am a mind reader.”
5. Police called to Derry Street London W8 after a number of residents announced that Simon Rice had been going around stealing their hopes, without permission.
6/7: Denayer and Ginter
For some reason every paper prints these two together.
Arsenal could make a surprise move for Manchester City defender Jason Denayer as well as Borussia Dortmund’s Matthias Ginter as Arsene Wenger looks to target new defensive options for the future, with both players under 22 years of age.
This first appeared in Soccer Muļķības, which speaketh thus:
Wenger is said to have bid for Denayer last summer, but saw a £5m bid rejected and the former Anderlecht academy defender went on to sign a new contract on wages of around £25,000-a-week. The deal is now £10m.
Ginter meanwhile has been on Wenger Radar (a 21st century Radio Luxembourg) since his days at Freiburg, and the 21-year-old has represented Germany on nine occasions since making his debut shortly before the 2014 World Cup.
Denayer
| Seasons | Team | Lge Games | Goals |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2014– | Manchester Airport | 0 | 0 |
| 2014–2015 | Celtic (loan) | 29 | 5 |
| 2015–2016 | Galatasaray (loan) | 17 | 0 |
| Season | Team | Lge Games | Goals |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2012–2014 | SC Freiburg | 70 | 2 |
| 2014– | Borussia Dortmund | 35 | 3 |
| 2015 | Borussia Dortmund II | 2 | 0 |
8: Arsenal are tracking young German midfielder Philipp Ochs.
This is in Bild. He’s 19, he’s a German youth international, the scouts have been out and they reckon he’s a cracker. He’s under contract until 2019, made 12 appearances last season.
Did they really say this?
At last England have appointed a manager who speaks English better than the players.
Brian Clough on the appointment of Sven Goran Eriksson as England manager.
The most educated person at Real Madrid is the woman who cleans the toilets.
Joan Gaspart, Barcelona vice-president, 1997
Then my eyesight started to go and I took up refereeing.
Neil Midgley, F.A. Cup Final referee. 1987
Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win.
Gary Lineker, 1990
The goal was 70% mine and 40% Wilmots.
Ingo Anderbrügge, when playing for Schalke 04
Ernst Kuzorra on Johannes Rau’s suggestion that football stadiums could be named after women:
What are we supposed to call them: Ernst-Kuzorra-his-wife’s-stadium?
Jürgen Klinsmann and I make a good trio.
Fritz Walter jun., who then added: “I meant: quartet.”
Excellent Sir H! More please asap!
I think the Boss has quashed any insinuations form any quarters who have been insinuating some kind of thoughts saying Arsenal may not sign more than the 3 players they’ve already signed in this window.
However, the Boss has said he’s still very much active at the market sorting out which players are available or can be sourced to sign this summer before the window closes. He has even went on to say, he is after the signing of a forward and a defender if they become available and at affordable price at the market.
But who will those 2 players the Boss is interested to sign be, is a guess work among we the Arsenal fans as we rely mostly on the media Arsenal transfer rumours to source for Arsenal transfer news. Notwithstand this, we are also aware that most of the media rumours linking Arsenal with some players here and there to move to Arsenal are mostly speculative rumours. And we know too that no concrete rumour may exsist amongst those rumours save maybe one or two. Thus we read these rumours for funs.
Glaudio Raneiri is trying by all means to use on Mahrez the same ploy which he has used to confused Jamie Vardy to stay on at Leicester. He has told Mahrez he’ll be made to sit on the bench at Arsenal if he should sign for us. How on earth did Raneiri knew that? Of course the Boss doesn’t guarantee any player a regular starting spot or a regular appearance for Arsenal. But if the player is always fit and in top form consistently and performing at high standard, a starting spot is a guarantee for that player at Arsenal because the Boss will always start him or give him a regular appearance. So Mahrez has nothing to fear if he falls into the categories of these players. The Boss will guarantee him a regular starting spot if he commands it. But is the Boss even after to sign Mahrez? The time will let us know that sooner than later.
I don’t think there’s anything to the Mahrez rumour. Yes he’d be a decent buy but we have other priorities. I’d guess the rumour started in the pub and they’re re-using the Vardy chapters.
Having said that, I do think Mahrez is looking to leave as he’s 25 and knows the Leicester dream is unrepeatable. That’s not to say they won’t finish top 6 next season or win a cup, but they will not win the league again for many years to come.
Whereas Vardy is 29, achieved 2 dreams of playing for England and winning the PL.
He also knows that one injury and he’ll be dropping down the leagues but at the foxes he’s an hero who can be a legend for years to come by showing a bit of loyalty to them (whilst getting a bigger salary than he could have dreamed of when he played for Fleetwood).
Good satire comes from anger. It comes from a sense of injustice, that there are wrongs in the world that need to be fixed. And what better place to get that well of venom and outrage boiling than a newsroom, because you’re on the front lines.
Carl Hiaasen.
Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.
Alexander Pope.
Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful.
Molly Ivins
Andy Mack
July 24, 2016 at 12:09 pm
‘…they will not win the league again for many years to come.’
Do you really know what the PGMO are capable of? Anything can happen for the right amount of dosh!
Well, who believes that Ranieri allowed his players to fly from Scotland to London when they are in the middle of a competition, and fly out to the states today?
Don’t get me wrong, I’d take Mahrez and Sissokho even if that was the end of our business for the summer.
Adidas are issuing Chelsea shirts with Mahrez name & number 7 on them, but it might be a spoof.
I found this on the Arsenal reddit about Sandberg
Not sure on the reliability though
http://www.dagbladet.no/sport/lsk-avkrefter—sandberg-16-skal-ikke-til-arsenal/60333890