By Sir Hardly Anyone.
Welcome to the all new approach for the last month of the jolly old fenêtre de transfert. Today we introduce the amazingly new and unprecedented episodic approach as the event horizon draws ever closer.
For what we now have is the
- The ever dependable rumour list
- The not getting him, not a chance list
- The injury chaos list
- The fake transfer, let’s laugh at Arsenal list
- The returnee we can’t find anyone new so lets buy the old list
- And the existing player newslist
A: The old rumour list
1: Riyad Mahrez has agreed a move to Arsenal, according to reports in Algeria or not according to reports in London.
And yes of course Algeria. I lived in Algiers for a year – quite an experience. I also lived in Tottenham for a could of years but I prefer not to think about that. Anyway here is the big news…
“The Leicester star is a target for Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger.”
Wow, wow and thrice wow. And then there is also the fact that Claudio Ranieri admitting his player is “distracted”.
And according to claims in Algeria from the sports newspaper Le Buteur, (that’s The Striker in English guv) he has agreed to join Arsenal after turning down a new £100,000-a-week contract at Leicester. Here’s the headline
Mahrez-Leicester, pas d’accord pour la prolongation de contrat
The Independent meanwhile says the whole deal is off, but what do they know.
2: The Alexandre Lacazette shuffle
“Arsenal have been handed a boost…” – you will notice that in these desperate days Arsenal can never do anything themselves – they are completely incapable of any deal. So they have to wait to be “handed” things. In this case the notion that Lyon manager Bruno Genesio has “admitted” the French club may be prepared to sell after all.
In the furtive minds of journalists, “Arsene Wenger may consider Genesio’s recent remarks to be a “come and get him” plea – so long as the Frenchman is prepared to increase his initial offer for Lacazette.” Genesio said (according to those who make up these things): “He can leave if Lyon want him to. There are some offers that you cannot refuse.”
With “the ball now in Arsenal’s court” (where do they find these ancient phrases?” [in the journalist’s dictionary of ‘How to write without thinking’ – Tony]) , the pressure is “heaped back onto the north London club”.
Anyway, “Arsene Wenger will make an improved bid for Alexandre Lacazette this week as they aim to secure the signing of an established centre forward before the season begins against Liverpool on August 14.” I know that’s true cos I read it in the papers.
Now my question is: “Has anyone ever issued you with a come and get me plea?” I’ve tried it a few times but no one turned up.
3: Arsenal make ‘opening offer’ for Mustafi
But no, of course, it wasn’t enough. Ho ho silly Arsenal.
According to Plaza Deportiva, (that’s Sports Plaza ok?) Arsenal have put in an opening offer of £15.2m but Valencia said “no” which is not very exciting. But did you know that “no” in Gaelic is “chan eil”? Bet you didn’t.
Valencia want over £20m for the defender who started out at Everton, headed west and walked into the Irish Sea, got wet, went home, tried off… well, you know, stuff like that.
4: Arsenal keen on Swansea pear
Actually I think that should be a Swansea pair. According to our old chum “reports”, Arsenal are preparing a “double swoop” (wooooooooooooooooooo) for Swansea City “defensive pair” (told you so) Ashley Williams and Federico Fernandez. A pair of pears one might say.
The Daily Express suggest that Arsene Wenger may look to “Ashley Williams to fill the void left by Per Mertesacker”, which is interesting because before Per got injured they were saying he was a useless lump who should be put on the scrap heap. Now he leaves a void. Well, well.
The Wengerian quote on the subject is:
‘At the moment, I will have a look at everybody and then make my final decision but it is true that (Rob) Holding has adapted very well and quickly. All three defenders have top quality and all three miss a little bit of experience. We have to make a decision in two weeks.”
B: The not getting list
1: Ben Yedder ‘could have joined Arsenal’, claims former manager
Another Arsenal transfer target bites the dust it seems… It’s new Sevilla signing Wissam Ben Yedder, who recently signed for Sevilla. However, his former manager at Toulouse, Pascal Dupraz, has now stated that the striker was offered the chance to join Arsenal.
Arsenal said “non” which is deeply shocking since the player is very clearly on our list of 92 players that Arsenal are bidding for. I mean if Arsenal keep turning down player opportunities, that undermines the entire window lark.
2: Ashley Williams to join Everton despite Arsenal interest
Everton have beaten Arsenal in the “race” to sign Ashley Williams for £10m in a race that Arsenal were never in, in the first place. According to the Daily Mirror “In reality, this is a good price for the defender, but in the current climate, the £10m is a steal.” I’m not sure I understand that.
And besides, when everyone is upping prices and trying to get more money, how can it be a race to sign a player first? The whole concept of the “race” and “dithering” doesn’t fit with the notion that everyone is demanding the last number you thought of times two.
C: Injury chaos
Arsenal get more injuries than everyone else. True of false? Well we all know, and so those who publish silly tales without checking are revelling in the notion that “Jack Wilshere appears to be injured” He’ll be out for a “week”.
This is what we used to call “getting a knock”. Now it is “Arsenal injury crisis.”
“Arsene Wenger inisists [that’s what the reprot actually says] that Wilshere will travel with the rest of the squad to Norway on Thursday ahead of Friday’s fixture against Viking FK. It’s a slight patella problem but I think he should be with us on tour on Thursday,” Wenger said.
That’s what he said, according to those who make up such things.
D: The Fake Transfer, let’s laugh at Arsenal
Actually this is good if it makes anyone realise what a bunch of turnips journalists are. They ran the story “Arda Turan to join Arsenal” and then said, “Here he is being unveiled during an interview with Arsenal’s TV channel.”
Then they published the Twatter reaction (remembering that five Twat equals a meltdown). And then sniggered into their pints because it was all a fake. The Telegraph then said…
“have to commend the edit, though. Whoever you are, wherever you are, kudos.”
Now that is really quite a moment – a national newspaper celebrating fake news at a time when they are constantly publishing fake news all the time. It adds another flavour to yesterday’s article Transfers, sackings, injuries… most of it is untrue, and we can’t go on like this. But what happens next?
E: Returnee news
Thomas Vermaelen could make shock return to Arsenal
Not really a shock because we ran that story last week, but a bit of a shock to the Sun, whose people were out taking over Talk Sport. They were shocked! And somewhat behind the times. Although not behind the Times which is owned by the same old reprobate.
It also turned up in the Catalan newspaper Sport. (And how disappointing is that. Sport in Catalan is the same as in English. I mean if you are not going to bother to make up new words, what is the point of having your own language?) “Barcelona are seriously considering” says my translation unit.
F: Young lad comes good news
Arsene Wenger: Oxlade-Chamberlain faces crucial season at Arsenal
Wakey-wakey. Yes, he’s rather good, we know that. “Arsene Wenger has admitted Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is facing a crucial 12 months”. Well, aren’t we all.
G: Going nowhere news
Simplest way to fill space, make up a story, and then say in profound tones, “the rumours that… are untrue”. So back with the old Muckraker (the Sun that is) “Arsenal have rejected West Ham’s loan bid for full-back Kieran Gibbs.”
Apparently the journos’ favourite, Slaven Bilic, has viewed the 26-year-old as an ideal replacement for Aaron Cresswell who is our for four months with a knee injury. (What do they do to players at State Aid Utd. Jenkinson, now Creswell. Could it be that State Aid get more injuries than anyone else shock horror?)
“Although Gibbs has fallen down the pecking order at the Emirates due to the form of Nacho Monreal, Arsene Wenger sees Gibbs as an adequate backup for the Spaniard.”
- Transfers, sackings, injuries… most of it is untrue, and we can’t go on like this. But what happens next?t
- U19s qualify for the Knockout Phase of the Durban Cup, and a plea to Arsenal for more information.
- The Transfer Index: 92 players rumoured to be joining Arsenal, new West Ham competition, Wenger’s replacement
3 August 1999: Thierry Henry signed for Arsenal for the first time, from Juventus for £11m. He played 16 games for Juve and it is said that Arsene Wenger and Henry had regular phone chats during in the seasons before Henry signed for Arsenal. Just imagine if we signed a “reject” from Juve today!
All today’s anniversaries are on the home page as usual