BY THE BRICKFIELDS GUNNERS .
1. *Medicines For Husbands
New medicines for men created by women scientists awaiting FDA approval…
ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries…
SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim…
SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word “Sports” on TV…
WORKOCETAMOL: Generates an insatiable desire in men to do household chores…
SHOPHOFOBEX: Makes men eager to take wives for shopping every week and wait patiently…
FLIRTONATE-N: It reduces vision whenever a pretty woman passes by.
VERYTASTYMYCIN: Husband always praises wife’s cooking.
2. ANAL GIN
P***** was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, a young, recent medical graduate.
The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, “Go home, Lie down on your tummy, Open your ass wide, And ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass”.
“What???” said P****
The doctor repeated patiently, “Go home. Lie down on your tummy. Open your ass wide. And ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass”.
The headache was really killing him, so P****went home and, very septically, tried out what the doctor told him. And guess what, the headache vanished!
So P**** goes running back to the Doc, and says “Doctor, doctor, where did you learn this amazing cure?”
And the Doctor replies modestly, “Oh that’s nothing. They taught us this on our very first day in medical school”.
“Really?” says P****, “This is what they taught you in medical school?”
“Yes, of course. They said for a headache you should always prescribe ‘Anal-gin’”.
So now the Brickfields Gunners in association with the Medical Division of UA presents new discoveries , treatments and medications for the all that ails ‘them’ !
NEW DISCOVERIES –
AKBEXIST – A very rare but pure and naturally occurring hormonal compound found in a very small proportion of the population . It is characterised and demonstrated in those persons by their higher than normal IQs, their knowledge depth, higher education levels, genuine passion and greater positivity, and overall is found in those in the higher percentile of personal success and achievement .
It is believed that a latent form does exists and can only be released from within. Somewhat likened to the ‘opening of the third eye ‘. Among that which prevents its release is ignorance and themism – a warped belief that certain fools hold the key to success.
So far no synthetic or chemical replication and isolation of this fascinating compound has been successful, but the Medical Division of UA is working hard on an inhaled or spray form, so that one day everyone can experience what AKBs seem to be high on!
A customer walked into my pharmacy asking for a particular nasal spray. “You know, that brand is very addictive,” I warned her. “If it’s used for a prolonged period of time, your congestion can come back worse than before, prompting even further use.”
“That’s ridiculous,” scoffed the woman. “I’ve been using it every day for years.”
TREATMENTS FOR ‘them ‘ –
1. BANNER-RID – Suppresses the inane urge to make, print and distribute those stupid “Arsene Wenger out”, “Spend some fucking money”, “Enough is enough” , and “Time to go” and such banners and posters . It is a suppository, and is introduced anally . Why ? Why not ?
My neighbour’s boat has a peculiar name: Innuendo. After failing to divine some deep, hidden meaning, I asked him how he came up with the name. He answered, “My wife works for a proctologist.”
2. CLEARERSTIL EYE DROPS – Opens the eyes and clears vision of any and all hindrances, mental cataracts, short sightedness, narrow mindedness and myopia. It not only induces clarity of vision, thought and far sightedness, but also gives a sense of general well being and confidence.
Carrots ? Yes , sure they do help; have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
3. EUPHORIC – This is a pre-game picker upper pill. Confidence and positivity will flow through your veins, as you watch your team try their very best in games. Your senses are heightened as you are able to see clearly the passion, the beauty and the movements of the players and the team play in general. The urge to boo or to put up posters , or listen to ‘them’ types or read ‘them’ sites are also very much diminished .
Just don’t give them to grandma – ” Hey grandma, haven’t you seen my tabs? ”
Grandma replies: “Forget those tabs. Have you seen that dragon in the kitchen? ”
4. SMARTAID – Hailed to be the new breakthrough in developing healthy brains and positive thinking and in the process stop or slow down the dreaded effects and complications of stupidity and imbecility. Studies show that progress will vary with each patient, and that most encouraging results were found in those who were not too overtly exposed to ‘them’ .
We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, “You have a cute baby.”
Smiling, I said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”
“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.
“He looks just like you.”
5. STUPIDEXIT – While still in the trial stage, it has nonetheless shown much promise with the concurrent use of Smartaid, counselling and with the regular evacuation of clogged bowels with the milder Brooklax chocolate, Bisacodyl or Dulcolax to Castor Oil in the more severe cases. This combination with lighten your load in more ways than one !
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
“Well,” the director said, “we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub.”
“I get it,” the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”
“No,” the director said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”
6.REVERSEILL – The treatment of choice for Fillurarses – the sudden rush of shit to the brains. Once the number of case reported were thought to be slowly dwindling with education and knowledge, but now seems to be rampant and making a comeback. Apparently education and logic were gradually dispensed with , and replaced by misinformation and lies.
Once it was the butt of jokes of politicians – remember this ? Said the surgeon, ” Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.”
I hope that this has been in some way or other beneficial to you, the regular readers of UA . To most it would have made you smile or chuckle . To others, it may have pissed you off. Both reactions are not unexpected. Do show your approval by clicking the buttons .