Arsenal’s new mega transfer deal: how it works and what’s involved. Details revealed

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Hello.

Of course this is Friday afternoon, and one is not quite at one’s best after a jolly half hour or four at the Toppled Bollard, favoured watering hole of the journalistic elite at Wapping Swamp.

But I think I can stay with reality long enough to give you the run down on some pretty dramatic transfer news breaking through the course of the pm.

First off, the club has a trifle of a PR problem what with not being in the Champs League thing next season and discovering after having won the FA Cuppy thing three times in four seasons that the FA Cup is not a trophy after all.

This was of course a BIG BLOW.   The FA Cup has only been won three times in four years on three occasions (according to the Arsenal History Society) in the last 120 years, and two of those three occasions the winning team was, well not to put too fine a point on it, Arsenal.  So it not being a trophy after all is a BIG LOSS.

Arsenal are now working hard to make sure that none of the players they are seeking to buy know that it is NOT A TROPHY.  So before you read on you must promise not to tell anyone.

Right, here we go.

And it is big news because to overcome the fact that the FA Cup wasn’t a trophy after all, Arsenal are going big time into the big transfer business in a big way.  And here’s how.  And it’s BIG.

1: Stan Kroenke has personally intervened to ensure that Bellerin is not going nowhere.  This must be true because it is in the Metro and everything in the Metro is true.   Ok, well, half of what is in the Metro is true.   Except the stuff on Fridays.  And the Wednesday bits.  And… all right but they were very sure about it and I think they might be right.

2: (And this is where it starts to get clever), Arsenal are reportedly the only English club Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang can see himself playing for.   Yes, ok it is true, most newspaper reporters don’t talk about Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang because after seven pints of Guinness all those letters get a bit confusing, which is why centre forwards need to be called Henry or Wright.   Although most of them felt the W at the start of Riteys name as silly, and as for that ght business that was pure pretentiousness.

3: A completely fake story from a website no one has ever heard of before claims that the Ox is leaving Arsenal.  In fact the story says “Liverpool have won the race to sign Alex Oxlade Chamberlain from Arsenal, with Arsene Wenger happy to accept the £25 million on offer from the Reds.”  (Or as we say, “Les Rouges”).

The level of fakeidityness of this fairy tale is revealed by the fact that the source is said to be the Independent (a one time newspaper now a web site that the Untold team occasionally sneak a look at when Tony is off celebrating his 110th birthday or whatever it is) claims that Jurgen Klopp is a *huge fan* of the player and sees him as someone who can balance their side out.

But then again the Glorious Leader Mr Wenger himself has said that he doesn’t want the Ox to pull the wagon train out of the stadium and head north up the A6 (which is incidentally still closed just beyond the A14, in case you fancy using it).

But then shock horror what is this?  Has someone dropped a cheese and onion in my glass Chateaux de Anciene Riche?

4: No!  With Jack Wilshere set to leave Arsenal for good this summer and still uncertainty surrounding the fitness of Santi Cazorla, Arsenal will be in the market for another central midfielder!!!

Thus sayeth the almighty readbundesliga, yet another pop up bloggetta set up just to give members of the aristocracy such as I a heart attack after only the third bottle of Merlot of the afternoon.  I mean!  Really!  I say!  Steady on!

5: As a result “ARSENAL TO MAKE £21M BID FOR LEON GORETZKA”.  And who is this scallywag, this upstart, this johnny-come-lately, this scarecrow?

Well let me quote you the inside information from the bloggetta in the know.  “Goretzka scored eight goals and provided six assists last season and would be an ideal addition to the Arsenal midfield, providing they can beat Bayern Munich, Tottenham and Inter Milan to his signature.”

Well!

And I say again.

Well!

And this at EXACTLY the same moment as I open my fourth bottle of Merlot and find Arsenal prepared to agree surprise $31.8 million deal for a 23-year-old star.  At least according to Red London.

Now I have to admit I got a bit distracted at this point, what with the screw top on the Merlot not unscrewing properly and Red London not giving me the proper details but instead offering “Prom dresses are getting out of hand” when I clicked on the story.  I didn’t mean to go into that site, I really didn’t but you know what these sites are like… they lead you on and lead you astray.  Don’t tell the good lady wife will you?

Anyway the short and the long, and yes I wouldn’t mind another glass thank you, is that

6: “Arsenal prepared to agree surprise $31.8 million deal for 23-year-old star”.  And why is the figure quoted in dollars? I hear you scream.

Because…

well…

there is no reason.  It is simply the £25m for the Ox quoted in alien currency by a member of the journalistic invention league who thought it would be rather droll to do it.

And is that it.   Well, as I await the arrival of the young lady in the short skirt with the next bottle, and the city types pour in to the pub from their day of fixing exchange rates and selling the country down the drain, and as I am reliably told the ambulance is on its way with the oxygen and stretcher, here it is

What was I saying?

• Where exactly is football going? You’ll think I’ve made this up, but I promise I didn’t…
• Arsenal in player salary crisis as new PL regulations catch the club out.
• The Index of 64 players that Arsenal have so far been tipped to sign this summer.