The absolutely, 100% certain, unconditional transfer truth, I think.

THE ABSOLUTELY, 100% CERTAIN, UNCONDITIONAL TRANSFER TRUTH, I THINK…….Don McMahon

Following my totally and completely bollocks article about who was a shoe-in for transfer to the Arsenal, I verified with those in the know and ,with great chagrin and humility, offer UA readers a slightly, ever so tiny revision to my earlier prognostications! Here they are, and no more changes, I promise.

Keepers:

Red Alert – a phenomenal solution to our keeper crisis (crisises?), Red has been known to drop punt a few footballs over 10 metres with a good wind behind him and no sun in his eyes. At 1m 6cm, he is bit on the short side but Venger has admitted that being tall has its disadvantages.

Other positions:

Tie Down – Born in a bondage and SM film studio, Tie is an excellent defensive player when he is unleashed, so to speak. The only caveat we hear is that he has trouble playing without his foot on the brakes, something Arsenal are often accused of, so he’ll fit right in, according to the aaa.

Dream Move– This guy rivals Oliver Giroud for the dreamboat title, but what is more appealing to Venger is that he lives at no fixed address and plays in the Uxbridge Street League, where he reputedly can sleep anywhere he lays his shaven head. He has been known to fall asleep during a match, something Venger has seen all too often at the Emirates…perfect against Chelsea.

To Snub – To, or as he is known to those not in the know, Toe, has refused to do anything related to football, or for that matter life, because his agent, Mr.Rotten Tothecore, has been insistent that Snub honour his name and turn his back on any offer. He has not eaten in three years, surviving on water and PM May’s political speeches.

Ready For’exit – There is NO doubt that Ready has learned from his cousin Silly Brexit that senseless and irrational behaviour is de rigeur today in the English nation. Therefore he has set his sights on leaving whoever transfers him in, as soon as possible. His last 54 clubs can testify to his rapid departures and less than zealous training interests which will endear him to AFC’s critics and aaa.

Not A’trophy – An aaa plastic fanboy’s favourite, Not is credited with defining, with absolute certitude, the relative value of every sports trophy ever won in the British Football World. This awesome knowledge he intends to share with his new Arsenal teammates once he can find his way out of the London museum.

Huge Fan – First cousin to Fans Angry and valued at 245 sterling, is known for his adoration of Michael Owen’s used boots and Piers Morgan’s eyebrows. He is currently undergoing a medical at an EPL club, but unfortunately nobody knows which club. As soon as he turns up at the Emirates, we’ll let you know!

Bid Expected – This French winger has been in the wings of many clubs but is still expected to come good one day. Bid loves croissants, fine French café au lait, wearing a kilt, fast bicycles and saying; ¨Zut alors¨ at the end of every sentence. Venger is sympathetic to his Gallic Idiosyncrasies, sharing a few himself but he is concerned that the French quota at Arsenal is being stretched.

Tipped Tojoinus – This Latvian Irishman is a certainty to make the under 18’s despite him being 34. He is basing this claim on the fact that his mental age is 16 and that his sex change operation was a total success. The sweet FA has been asked to ponder Venger’s unusual proposal to recruit him and have promised a response sometime before 2040. When contacted for comment, FIFA representative Under Hand, refused to comment, saying, FIFA has done nothing, right or wrong, so please delete all recordings of this interview!”

Well there you have it, 120 players who are putting pen to paper (who does this anymore?) and who will most assuredly wear the shirt with pride, IF they can figure which is the top and which is the bottom. I promise this is the last of my efforts, for at least a week.

• Arsenal’s possible line up for August: and who is going to win the League
• Arsenal’s new mega transfer deal: how it works and what’s involved. Details revealed
• Where exactly is football going? You’ll think I’ve made this up, but I promise I didn’t…

Untold Social

• Lose weight, get fit, no cost, guaranteed.
• If you are made redundant or are threatened with redundancy, you must read this first
• Why you should pause before you pay that parking fine