Arsenal has got completely the wrong management team. This is who we should have at the club

By Dr Billy “the dog” McGraw, chief psychologist at the University hospital of the North Circular Road

It is self-evident that Arsenal have got completely the wrong group of people running the club.  As an example of out to tackle problems we should take a good hard look at our government in the UK and see how they do things.

We have had far too much of this Wenger Out! business and actually need everyone out.

And it is not that there is a shortage of people available to do the job of running the club.  One only has to look at the UK government to see exactly the range of talent on offer.

First of all we need a public spokesbeing, a new front man to face the journalists and supporters.

Head of PR: Boris Johnson

Just read what he has said…

Manager: Theresa May

By separating the Head of PR from the manager we could have much more clarity.  Now it is often said that our PM is nothing more than a robot, indeed in Westminster she is generally known as the MayBot.  And that works.  I mean look at this…

“In tough times, everyone has to take their share of the pain.”

Mr Wenger’s great mistake is to take responsibility for what the club does.  If we had a manager like the MayBot we’d know where we stood on all matters.  As supporters it would be our fault.

Head of transfers: David Davis

We need to be out there, doing stuff, getting players, telling those foreign johnnies who’s who and what’s what.

Now you’ll know Davis in this regard, he’s the Brexit Bulldog, a legend in his own lunchtime.  The man of whom one of his colleagues said, “He’s the only man I know who can swagger while sitting down.”

That’s what you need in doing transfers.  Go out, get the man, bring him back.   For as the Bulldog said, “The free trade agreement that we will have to do with the European Union should be one of the easiest in human history.”

In charge of the defence: Gavin Williamson

He’s the man who as secretary of defence (see he already has the job) said that Britons fighting for Islamic State should be killed before they can return to the UK.  And we don’t want any of this namby pamby obey the rules stuff.  We want big defenders who show those lilly livered attackers from the other teams what it means to be an Arsenal man.

The New Statesman quoted one female Conservative MP as calling Mr W “a self-serving c***”  Except they put the full word in, but if I do it here, Untold will be banned by Virgin Media again and thus not readable in Terminal 4 at Heathrow.

In charge of player well being: Jeremy Hunt

Now here is the man you need to keep players laughing and jolly, even at the worst of times.  The man who said that the creation of the National Health Service in the UK was due to the Conservative Party (who were not in government at the time and voted against the bill over a dozen times in Parliament).

Day one he would be saying, “As you can see, Arsenal are top of the league and on course to win the European Cup this year).”  Exactly the sort of positive approach we need.

In charge of contacts: Liam Fox

At a Guardian conference Liam Fox said, “I am the great thresher! I gulp in passers by and spit out pieces of blood and bone! I am the destroyer of worlds! I shall tear into this country until nothing is left but ash and crackling, and all the citizens shall wail and gnash their teeth! All will perish before the might of Fox!”

And you can’t say fairer than that.

Training: Damian Hinds

The great thing about Damian Hinds is that when he makes a speech his office then puts out a printed version of a quite different speech.  And what better training for a footballer is there than doing things and then claiming you haven’t especially when it involves night clubs.

And it helps get through all those boring international weeks.

Also Hinds, despite being in charge of education has never said anything the slightest bit noteworthy ever.

Contracts: Esther McVey

The woman who said the rise of food banks was ‘positive’ and to be ‘expected’ has clearly got something going for her when it comes to getting the best deal for the club.  She also compared social claimants to children, took benefits away from 300,000 people on the grounds that “bodies heal”, and ensured that a job seeker who turned down a zero hour contract would lose all unemployment benefits.  A perfect fit.

So there we are.  A new team for next season.  Just what we need.   Mr Wenger for Prime Minister.

• The background revolution: young players are regaining control of their lives
• The fake news transfers: beware you are being conned two ways round
• The ref is always correct: it is official – even when he runs less than his European counterparts

And from the Arsenal History Society

• May/June 1921: Knighton the fantasist. The fourth allegation.