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Victory Through Harmony
By Tony Attwood
We discussed recently the key issue of Untold Awards, something I am very keen on.
In case you missed it all, here’s the background. Untold criticises lots of people, including journalists and newspapers, and so when these dedicated people and organisations hand out awards, we tend not to get any. (OK it might be because we spout rubbish too, but that won’t stop me developing this article).
If no one will give us awards, we should give them awards.
The first job is to get the categories right. These are the ones that have been suggested so far…
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The Untold Award for…
The worst TV commentator currently working
The silliest newspaper journalist currently working
Being the biggest git on radio
The most stupid rumour of all time
The most stupid rumour this season
The worst autobiography by anyone in football.
The worst ref performance this year
The silliest ex-Arsenal player who is now a pundit
The Best ex-Arsenal player as pundit
The Best Performance by Arsenal team during 2010
The Best Arsenal goal of last year
The Best rising youth player in the Arsenal Academy
Services to Alex Ferguson
The most Damage to Opposition football boots by Arsenal limbs
The most inept organisation within British football
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I would welcome any further categories and then in a couple of days time we can let the voting begin. If it does not result in anything funny or interesting then we can drop it. If it does, we can do it again next week. Or next year. Or in the next life. Whatever takes your fancy.
Index to the full series of articles on stadia issues
George Allison: more than just a manager
Making the Arsenal – how Arsenal nearly ended up at Craven Cottage
Denilson to Barcelona and Lescott to Arsenal, spouted this season (I read it the BBC rumour column), must get the ‘biggest pile of made up manure’ award, surely?
I think we could have a category for ‘The most biased, bigoted anti arsenal presenter on Talk Sport {or talkshite, whichever you prefer). There are plenty of candidates to choose from!!
Off the top of my head:
Radio = Adrian Durham
Newspaper = Ben Fairthorne
Autobiography = My Defence
Ref Performance = Lee Probert
lol i have more categories,
– the shocking/funny transfer of the season
– the breakthrough performance by a 1st team Arsenal player of the season (Nasri shud win this hands down for this year though wilshere wil give him good competition, song/vermaelen for last year)
– the best fashion/style statement by an arsenal player for the season (many options for this- beard of cesc, hairdo of song, the snoods, sagna’s hairdo, etc)
– the most important Arsenal goal of the season
– the best Arsenal signing of the year (includes signing of youngsters)
– the lifetime achievement award (former Arsenal players)
I think we should give out the awards for last year as soon as possible. This season’s awards should be given after the end of the season.
hey hey, we should award websites and untold commenators as well..
best gooner (or AAA) blogs/untold commenators that talks about football and management when they know nothing about football and management~~
I vote for DP in the untold commenators category!
Also,
– the funniest comment made by a manager award
– the next bankrupt club award
Services to Alex Ferguson – where do you start? Half the refs and the whole of the LMA for starters. In the media,probably the worst examples, considering their Liverpool connections are Alan Hanson and The Dogger, Collymore.
Being the biggest git on radio – Adrian Durham or Stan Collymore
The most inept organisation within British football – have to start with the FA but West Ham and the refs association run them close
The Best Performance by Arsenal team during 2010 – not sure it was the best performance but there were certainly some heroics in the first leg against Barca
The Best Arsenal goal of last year – you mean 2010 – I would say JETs goal in the reserves
The silliest ex-Arsenal player who is now a pundit – not sure I would call him silly but I dont like the way Lee Dixon sometimes goes to pander to Hansen and the anti Wenger brigade
The most Damage to Opposition football boots by Arsenal limbs – so many!Shawcross, Robinson But going on recent events and intent, Essiens tackle on Diaby – and I seem to recall he got away with it right in front of the ref and it was barely mentioned by the commentator!
The most stupid rumour this season – Wenger out, Coyle in
The worst ref performance this year – depends on your definition of worst. In terms of fairness, any of Fergies gimps against teams playing Utd but Probert has to be up there
Dogface…re Radio = Adrian Durham. I think he has a close rival in Stan Collymore. Last night on Talk Sport he proposed a £100,000 fine and 10 match ban for Theo Walcott as punishment for the ‘dive’ which he apologised for a couple of weeks ago. He thinks that Theo should be made an example of. What an idiot! The last time he was so wound up was over Eduardo’s alleged dive against Celtic when he advocated a similar punishment. He definately has it in for Arsenal.
How about an award for the manager most likely to lead his team into bankruptcy. An award for the team that hides its dodgy accounting the best, or an award for the newspaper / media outlet that has done the most damage to English football.
Maybe we could get that gobshite gervais to present the awards and insult all the winners as he hands them their cups / mugs.
Alan Green for everything bad in football commentary and/or humanity.
Alan Hanson for having no principles, no intelligence, and a bias to die for.
Alex Ferguson for being far-too-often referred to as ‘Sir Alex’ … oh, and for being an egregious, spiteful, old soak well past his spiteful sell-by date.
Le Grove for hosting the greatest concentration of thickie, Arsenal-hating malcontents in the whole ethersphere. It’s a regular Tea Party. (More Palin, less Depp).
Tony Adams (bless) and Paul Merson (bless, though not always in the same way as Adams) for at least giving punditry a go (bless).
Best Arsenal Goal? To win something/anything.
Worst fashion statement? Alex ‘Blondie’ Song’s persistence.
Biggest disappointment? The GUYS at ‘It’s Up For Grabs Now’ podcast deserting their roots and going the way of Cashly and Adebayor. They really think the old farts at the BBC’s going to give them a regular slot on Five Live. Ha!
Second biggest disappointment? ATV downsizing itself to a 15 minute stint in a garden shed on a Friday afternoon.
Third biggest disappointment? The Arsenal website winning an award. And not the one for the most unaesthetic, cluttered, password-unfriendly, schizoid, tardy, so-last-decade … oh, I give up.
Biggest surprise? The Emirates finding its voice once every gibbous moon.
Biggest round of applause? The Arsenal away supporters. While I hardly ever agree with their lyrics they are both irrepressible and a true 12th man.
The most stupid rumour of all time? That Arsene Wenger has fathered a love child with a 39-year-old black French rapper … as if a Frenchman would ever do such a thing.
Most welcome addition to the squad? Johan ‘I’m back’ Djourou. He’s just like a new signing.
Cutest Arse? Still Cesc’s. It could have been Robin’s, but I beleive it’s made of glass.
Worst translation of “victoria concordia crescit” ever = ‘victory through harmony’.
Better translation of “victoria concordia crescit” = ‘winning together’.
Newest addition to the OED? “Interlull”, by Arseblog. Soon, anyway.
Biggest rectified mistake. The clock.
Second biggest (rectifiable) mistake. ‘The Wonder of You’.
Other notable mentions: Arsene (just for), Cesc (still here), Samir (goals), Theo (brain), Robin (glass arse), ADSB17 (back to his roots), Jack (anger management), … all the way to Almunia (wherever he may be). And ‘Dudu’ (sniff).
For the radio category it’s tough to choose between durham and collymore. On the one hand I’m certain durham talks crap on purpose to get people riled- so he’s *knowingly* doing “evil”. On the other, collymore is so dumb he actually believes the crap he’s spouting- so he really believes in his evil!
THe two names that i sincerely cant stand are the cretins that go by the name of stan beatyourwife collymore and ALAN stuffesd his head up fergusons nether regions GREEN
How about Arsenal Golden Globes?
Beckham can’t apply!
In no particular order;
Biggest git on radio; The whole cast of talkshyte.
Services to Alex Ferguson; The whole cast of Sky Sports.
The worst ref performance this season; The whole cast of appearances at Old Trafford.
Worst damage to opposition boots; Has to be R Shrawcross(think his mum bought him a new pair after Aaron carelessly ruined them)
Silliest ex Arsenal player who is now a pundit; P Merson, sorry Merse but a failed gambler giving football tips is the equivalent of Nick Leeson giving financial advise. That is Silly.
Worst TV Commentator currently working. Chris Waddle. He should incur a pelanty for that imo.
The best ex Arsenal player as a pundit; Some wont agree but Stewart Robson is excellent.
Most stupid rumour this season; Arry’s never heard of Betfair.
The most inept organisation within British football; The AAA. Come on, it had to be.
Best rising youth player; Chucks Aneke
Best Arsenal goal of last year; Cesc’s goal against Spurs, straight from the restart.
Best ex Arsenal player as a pundit: Ray Parlour and/or Kenny Samson. Both tremendous fun!
Heys guys. Off topic completely! Just got my ticket for the stoke game! Absolutely delighted, going to be my first time at the home of football! Suggestions of where to go pre & post match entertainment would be more than welcome! Keep it goonerish though! Oh yeah!
Worst autobiography – take your pick of any of obligatory dross published by the England squad after a major tournament. No offence to any of the England followers intended, but these autobiographies are just plain wrong! (See tonys article about Peter Crouch autobiography, if you dont believe me!)
Silliest journalist – Paul Parker. I’m allowing myself a bit of licence on the term “journalist” here. But having read some of this guys appalling articles (again licence on articles!), I cant think of anyone else at the moment who so anti-arsenal its beyond belief!
Services to Alex Ferguson- This one a tough one to award, cause theres so many candidates. Allardyce and his usual bending over, eager to please the sur, just about shades it for me! First of all, not content with just giving three points to old rudolph, he also is very helpful in award a +6 advantage in the goal difference as well! What a friend to have. If only Arsene didn’t have so much integrity and class, and befriended this oafish, thug mafia, how many titles would we win? Oh well guess we’l have to keep doing it the right, the arsenal way!
Get work Tony & the rest of Untold crew!
Worst unpunished dive of the season.
Best ignoring of football laws to generate points for ManU by a ref.
Biggest waste of money on a player.
Stupidest anti-Wenger justification.
Biggest gentleman in football. RVP or Cesc.
Best footballing money flip. Rooney?
Most undeserving points earned by a team in a game.
Adrian Durham. A really vile, insipid and generally disgusting oxygen thief. Sick, stupid, moronic and imbecilic in extremis. Uninformed with a chip on each shoulder because he is the original “Ginger Tosser” and a perfect example of why murder should be legal in certain cases. Collymore because he is a disgusting, leering onanist whose drool has covered a thousand car windows. Henry Winter, the posh boy from public school who likes football but knows nothing about it and Tony Cascarino, the wife-beating piece of excrement who hates Arsenal with a vengeance. I could go on.
I agree with Dark Prince!
And Pete. And the rest.
Lots of healthy competition for this prestigious and exciting catergory.
I don’t have any nominations apart from Alan Green. Can’t really listen to the talkspite WUM with any credibility, but the bleeb has a choice about what kind of plunditry it requires. For past crimes against Football Graham Taylor comes close in second place, but Greeny it is.
The worst TV commentator currently working – Andy Townsend ( no insight, he just regurgitates red top newspaper comments)and appears to have a negative obsession with Theo as he spends most matches sniping throughout about him.
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The silliest newspaper journalist currently working – Steve Stammers (his comments and criticism of Arsenal lead me to believe he doesn’t actually watch Arsenal matches before turning in a write up of our games). Terry Butcher comes a close 2nd (he is still dining out on that England match which he played bandaged up – he was completely rubbish at league 2 management and has decided on a number of occasions to criticise Arsene & Arsenal in his silly column).
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Being the biggest git on radio – Stan Collymore.
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The most stupid rumour of all time – The current Arsenal board are siphoning off the money and that’s why we can’t afford to buy anyone ‘decent’.
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The most stupid rumour this season – Joe Cole on his way to Arsenal and Wenger guaranteed him a starting place with Nasri dropped to the bench. Followed by Gary Cahill to Arsenal.
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The worst autobiography by anyone in football. – Ashley Cole’s (My Defence).
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The worst ref performance this year – All 5(yes 5) referee’s in the Braga 2 – 0 defeat where Vela was booked for diving instead of being given a clear penalty. This incident single handedly made me think seriously about introducing technology into the game.
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The silliest ex-Arsenal player who is now a pundit – Paul Merson (sorry I sometimes wonder if he’s fallen off the wagon and it feels like he could still go the way of Gazza).
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The Best ex-Arsenal player as pundit – Kenny Samson (he is balanced and honest).
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The Best Performance by Arsenal team during 2010 – Arsenal fight back at Emirates in 2-2 Barca (Cesc playing on with broken leg or Braga CL game with the team ‘ole’ goal in our 6 – 0 drubbing of them.
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The Best Arsenal goal of last year – that Nasri Porto goal.
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The Best rising youth player in the Arsenal Academy – Can I include JET here? If not Chucks Aneke (I sometimes forget he has just turned 17).
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Services to Alex Ferguson – Sam Alladyce’s Blackburn 7-1 in November.
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The most Damage to Opposition football boots by Arsenal limbs – Ryan Shawcross, followed by Paul Robinson on Diaby because I think it might be a serious contributing factor to reducing the length of Diaby’s Arsenal career.
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The most inept organisation within British football – The FA.
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I would like to add the following categories:-
* The biggest surprise – It has to be giving Howard Webb an MBE for ‘services to football’ by the Queen.
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* The Arsenal player that has overcome media & ‘supporter’ criticism of them – Fabinaski (those that decided to call him flappyhandski and demanded he was sold for magic beans should be ashamed. Close second is Theo – it was unbelieveable how many useless ‘supporters’ agreed with that idiot Waddle when he said he had no football brain and Cappello’s decision to take Lennon instead of Theo to the WC.
Worst Radio station Talk Shyte
Worst web site ANR and Pyles Palmer talking out his ass.
Worst media source BBC for scuppering the world cup bid and employing chris waddle the plenalty plonker
Worst Cry baby Ryan Shawcross in the taxi home to his mummy, I highly doubt he has parents the B#stard.
Worst referee the Webalty worth 12 to 16 points at The theatre of nightmares a year.
Commentator with no brain Alan Hansen
Award for services to Alex Ferguson- Has to go to Tony Pulis for recalling his on-loan players from Preston because they had the balls to fire Alex Ferguson’s son, their then manager, because he was shite.
At no point has anyone mention the ultimate pundtry dickhead and sky sports brown noser and complete shitebag ‘drum roll please’ for mr. andy gray
How about an Arry Arry Bankruptcy award?